
                           -=:: Irish Jokes ::=-

How do you make an Irishman laugh on Monday ?
Tell him a Joke on Friday.


A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman
stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch
you in the nose."
 "I'm sorry sir, I..."
 "Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your
knee."


"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm warning you, I'm
Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."


Paddy played his famous party trick. He extends his hands to an unsuspecting
bystander and says : "Pick a thunb, any thunb at all."
 When the bystander complies, the Irishman puts his hands behind his back
for a moment, the holds out his clenched fist.
 "Okay, now which hand is it in?"


It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are
about to be guillotined.
 "Do you want to be beheaded on your back or your front?" the executioner
asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith, "I'm not afraid of death."
 So, Smith was laid on his back under the knife. The executioner pulled the
lever. Schlick...and the knife jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man
can be sentenced to death twice.
 Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed,
and Hoskins was reprieved.
 Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and
Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under
the blade.
 "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think I can see why it jams."


Have you heard about the Irish sky diver who was killed when his snorkel and
flippers failed to open ?


Then there's the one about the new Irish parachute. It opens on impact.


Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a
shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's
nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at
Gatwick."
 Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen,
but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."
 A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third
engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than
expected."
 One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens,
Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be up here all
night ?"


What do most of the people in Irish hospitals have in common ?
They were all IRA explosives experts.


The Englishman explained to the doctor that all his life he's wanted to be
an Irishman. "Well," said the doctor, "there's an operation you can odergo.
We just remove a portion of the brain and you'll be thinking and speaking
like an Irishman in no time at all."
"Right." said the Englishman, "I'll have it."
Three weeks later the doctor walked into his patient's hospital room with a
very worried look on his face.
"I've made a terrible mistake," he explained, "I've removed eighty percent
of your brain instead of twenty percent."
 "She'll be right mate," drawled the patient with a grin.


Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive ?


The Irishwoman was elderly, but healthy and active; even so she insisted on
a hysterectomy.
"But why?" asked the doctor.
"Sure," said the woman, "and me with 16 grandchildren already - I don't want
any more."


Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic ? It has a 12 month waiting
list.


At an international medical symposium it was decided that some research
should be devoted to the matter of the male penis with particular interest
centring on why it was shaped with a knobbed end. Funds were set aside and
three teaching hospitals were elected to investigate.
 Royal Edinburgh was the first to report. In a 96 page document doctors
distilled the results of tests conducted on over 6000 subjects and
questionnaires received from a further 4000 respondents at a cost of $50000.
Their findings showed conclusively that the broader extremity of the member
was to give additional pleasure to the male during sexual intercourse.
 The Paris Hospital du Sacre Coeur presented it's findings soon after. It's
report appeared at a cost of three million francs and it's 74 pages outlined
the positive responses from 5000 countrymen. The French declared
categorically that the glorious, retrousqe shape of the penis gave added
pleasure to the female partner during lovemaking.
 St Patrick's, Dublin,was a little slower in presenting it's report.
Conducted ona sample of five at a cost of 5 pounds it was nevertheless a
serious document, one paragraph in length. "\he knob at the end of the 'ould
feller'," it concluded, "was to stop the hand from slipping off."


"Don't jump," said Paddy to the man on the ledge. "Think of your wife and
children."
"I've got no wife and children."
"Then think of your parents."
"I don't have any parents."
"Then think of St Patrick."
"Who's St Patrick?"
"Jump, ya bastard."


There's a good reason why Jesus was born in Jurasalem rather than Dublin. In
Dublin they couldn't find three wise men or one virgin.


There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave
for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.


The unwed Irish girl goes to confession. "Father, 'tis a shameful thing I
have done. I'm pregnant."
"Are you sure it's yours?" asks the priest.


Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop
on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians". Then
he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy
still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let Catholics cross?"


A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and
sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
 The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says
the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "as a matter of
fact, I'm Jewish."
 At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast
tonight."


These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and the other was Jewish.
They were doubling round the square, and when they had been halted, the
Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish lad, "I hate doubling, Paddy."
 The Irish lad said, "Oi'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either."


"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "What are those two bulges in the front of your
trousers?"
 "Ah," said Paddy, "they're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty
comes feeling my balls I'll blow his bloody fingers off."


A black black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub.
Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guiness and
good will to all men, he followed the sound till he came across the small
figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed
the green-clad manikin, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was
well.
 "Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt
and wish to repay your kindness. I would deem it a favour if ye'd accept
three fairy wishes."
 "Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
 "Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be
granted."
 "Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
 No sooner were  the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand.
Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
 "Sir," interrupted the leprachaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I
must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
 "Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
 "Done," said the manikin.
 Mick took another swig and another and, sure enough, after each bottle
would replenish itself.
 "Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
 "And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
 "Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of
these."


Two drunken Irishmen stumbled into a funeral parlour. They bumbled about
until one fell over a piano. "Here's the coffin," he advised his mate.
 "Do you recognise him?" asked the friend.
 "No," admitted the first Irishman, "but he sure had a good set of teeth."


A big Irishman sauntered into a Dublin bar and shouted, "Which one of you is
Michael O'Shea?"
 A little man standing by the bar said, "That's me."
 The big guy walked over to him and punched him in the mouthh.
 The little feller started laughing, so the big guy hit him again and he
fell down, still laughing.
 The hulk could not bear it. "Why are you still laughing after Oi've belted
you?" he roared.
 "The joke's on you," said the little man, "Oi'm not Michael O'Shea."


Paddy was strolling down a street, looking very disconsolate, and an English
friend said, "What's the matter? You looked browned off."
 Paddy said, "oi' was in the pub over there, an' a fellow said the Oirish
are always fighting and causin' trouble. Oi said they weren't."
 The Englishman said, "What happened then?"
 Paddy said, "I wrecked the place!"


An Irishman walked into a pub with a big, green bullfrog on his head.
 "Where did you get that?" asked the barman.
 The bullfrog replied, "Would you believe it started as a wart on my
behind?"


How may Irishmen does it take to hit a nail into a wall ? Twenty-two: one to
hold the hammer, one to hold the nail, and 20 to shove the wall forward.


An Irishman was going up and down a ladder, with the same hod of bricks each
time.
 One of his friends said, "What's the idea, Pat?"
 He said, "Oi've had an argument with the foreman, an' Oi'm fooling him. He
thinks I'm working."


How do you confuse an Irishman ? Put three shovels in a corner and ask him
to take his pick.


Irishman: "How am I going to measure the height of this ladder?"
Helpful Bystander: "Lay it on it's side and pace it out."
Irishman: "I want to measure it's height, not it's length."


How is an Irish ladder different from an ordinary one ? It has a stop sign
at the top.


One day two Irishmen were walking in the woods when they came across a sign
saying "Tree Fellers Wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, Sean, it's a shame
Paddy isn't with us today. We could have gotten the job."


The Irish attempt at Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: they
ran out of scaffolding.


And then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging his
signature on a hot cross bun.


The Irishman at the front door said : "Morning missus, Oi've come to mend
your doorbell."
"I was expecting you yesterday," the woman replied.
"Shure now, but Oi rang then and got no answer."


And then there was the Irish gardener who broke his collar bone while raking
up leaves - he fell out of the tree.


But not all Irishmen are dumb - after all, it was an Irishman who invented
the helicopter ejection seat, an Irish surgeon who developed the appendix
transplant and an Irishman who invented a solar-powered torch.


However, it has not been all progress on the scientific front - they had to
stop making iceblocks. The old lady who knew the recipe died.


O'Toole was not familar with the workings of the railway, and was watching
the trains going into the mouth of a tunnel. He was enthralled. A fellow saw
him staring and asked, "What's so interesting down there?"
O'Toole said, "'Tis marvelous... They go plumb into the hole every time."


Did you hear about how Paddy ripped off the railway ? He bought a return
ticket and never came back.


A woman telephoned an airline office in Dublin and asked, "How long does it
take to fly to London?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the womam said as she hung up.


That same Irishwoman's nephew was the one who moved his house two feet
forward, to take up the slack in his clotheline.


The Irish driving student was being put through his paces by the licensing
officer. When asked what an unbroken yellow line meant he replied: "No
parking at all!" He was then asked what two unbroken yellow lines meant. "No
parking at all at all" was the speedy reply.


Paddy and Mick were driving a big combine harvester right down the middle of
the road. A visitor to Ireland came round the bend in a car, doing about
fifty miles per hour, and had to brake sharply. He finished up doing two
complete somersaults and landed upside down in a field.
Paddy turned to Mick and said, "Did ye see that?"
Mick said, "Oi shure did...we just got out of that field in time, Pat."


"Sean," said Mick, "did you know we only use one third of our brains?"
"No," said Sean. "What happens to the other third?"


Murphy was given two weeks to live. He decided to take on week in July and
the other in September.


An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were travelling through the
desert when their jeep broke down. They decided to walk to the nearest
settlement.
The American said, "I'll take the water so we have something to drink."
The Englishman said, "And I'll take the food so that we have something to
eat."
The Irishman said, "Oi'll get the door off the jeep so when it gets too hot
we can wind down the window."


What's the difference between an Irishman and a ham sandwich? A ham sandwich
is only half an inch thick.
And what's the difference between 100 ham sandwiches and an Irishman ?
Nothing.


What are the greatest ten years of an Irishman's life ?
Third grade.


Why do Irish dogs have flat noses ?
Because they chase parked cars.


Kelly had two horses he could never tell apart. It caused him lots of
trouble until one day he discovered that the black horse was two hands
taller than the white one.


An Irishman was walking down the street with a sack over his shoulder when a
friend approached.
"What have you got in the sack, Mick?"
"Chickens, Pat, and I'll tell you what - if you can guess how many I've got,
I'll give you both of them."
Pat answered: "Three?"


What's the defintion of a dope ring ?
Six Irishman in a circle.


It was general quesiton time on "Top of the World" quiz and the compere
first asked the Australian:
"Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a.."
The Australian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N."
Next it was the American who was asked the same question:
"Old MacDonald had a..."
"Ranch," replied the American, "R A N C H."
Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:
"Old MacDonald had a..."
"Farm," the Irishman replied.
"Correct," said the compere. "Now spell the word farm."
The Irishman hesitated. "E I E I O."
