...      Buying a Car
....By SimonT

 Luckily, we live in a country where cars are fairly inexpensive; where your 
average Joe Bloggs can, for just a few dollars, look at a car way out of his 
price bracket and pretend that he's a genuine customer.

There are three generally accepted practices for purchasing a car; the first is 
where the buyer enters into a private transaction with a seller.  This is known 
as a private sale and is widely used when you wish to purchase a stolen vehicle 
or  one  that  is about to be repossessed.   The Second is an Auction where you 
get to bid for the car of your dreams,  and,  if you're extraordinarily unlucky,
get  to  actually  bid  SUCCESSFULLY  for  it, you simple minded feeb.  Not long
thereafter  your  dreams are nightmares (like that one where you turn up to work
with no clothes on and the rooms are shrinking and all those spiders are chasing
you...)  and  that peice of "dirt" on the right front bumper turns out to be the
only original peice of metal in the whole vehicle.
.The last way to buy a car is through a dealer, a strange creature, with 
the highest scruples money can buy, again and again, and it is him/her I intend
to concentrate on.

How to buy a car from a dealer
-------------------------------
Here's the basic scenario:
 You park your car outside the Car Yard, that way the dealers are put in a good 
mood  by  thinking up jokes to tell you about that particular model if you seem 
undecided  about  buying  an  up-to-date joke.   The dealer will let you browse 
around the cars until you pause for too long by one.  The pause time is usually 
electronically measured in microseconds and rigidly enforced.   As  soon as you 
pause,  Honest John will leap from behind you with the selling phrase "Nice set 
of wheels that,  I've  got  one  myself"  It could be anything; that's why it's 
very  important  not  to  stop next to a telephone pole or rubbish tin, because
poor  Honest  John  might have to beat himself to death with a tyre lever.  You
then  mutter  something  incomprehensible  but positive and John will continue,
"Yes, I've had mine for three years  now,  and nothing's gone wrong with it!!!" 
(This is, of course,  because it's been sitting on the car yard for three years
and  no-one  had  been stupid enough to pause by it till you came along.)  "And
economical, why this little baby..."
 Honest John will burble along about how it was almost bought to power the next 
space mission except that it doesn't run on solid fuel, meanwhile you are doing
the experienced car buyer things, kicking the wheels, tooting the horn, sitting 
in  the  seats listening to the smooth clunka-clunka of the engine - pretending
you  can  recognise  a  burnt  valve  at 12 paces with a standing start.

Note:  It  is  extremely  important at this point to avoid nodding your head as
       this will constitute agreement to buy this and several other cars on the
       yard.   Being  an  extremely experienced car buyer, I always wear a neck
       brace in  case someone runs into the back of the car while I'm examining
       the vehicle for those important driving features that only an expert can
       detect (tooting the horn and seeing  if  the Radio has those neat lights
       that go up and down with the music)  This way terrible misunderstandings
       are avoided.

What sort of dealer should you choose?
Always choose a Member of the Licensed Dealers group, that way, if you have any 
complaints about your vehicle, you can take it to them to do nothing instead of 
the dealer to do less than nothing.  Should the horror of a complete fraud come 
your way,  the dealer may even lose his license,  and  have to be an unlicensed 
motor vehicle dealer, which as you know is a great strain on business. 

How Dealers get their names:
 Contrary to popular public opinion, Car Dealers don't just change their names
to Honest John,  Mad Dave etc;  they  have  these names from birth.  The usual
birth scene goes something like:

Doctor:  Did you see that, the little bugger went straight for my wallet!
Nurse:   Yes, and he's already got the Gynecologist's Gold Fob watch
Doctor:  (turning to sweat soaked Mother)   Congratulations, it's a used
. car dealer.
Mother:  Oh dear, and we were going to give him a normal name too...
. I suppose Fair Deal Fred will have to do...

Yes, Used Car Dealers are a special and unique breed.  Whereas Normal, everyday 
children get stories about good fairies,  Goldilocks etc,  The children of Used 
Car Dealers get stories about Little Old Ladies who go shopping once a week and
never use their car otherwise,  who  live happily right up until they decide to 
trade their vehicle on a peice  of  chewing gum on the ground that they stopped 
for too long by.

The Buyers Rules
----------------
.Don't stop by anything - Avoid getting blocked off by "Honest John"

.If cornered, claim to be an income tax assessor or a Policeman, being
..taken to court for this is a small price to pay in comparison
..to being forced to listen to "John"  ramble for 2 hours about
..the particular virtues of that make and model.

.NEVER EVER say you know nothing about cars

.If they  try and corner you into a test drive, just mention your 78 
..driving offenses and your cateract operation OR that you've
..got heaps  of time for a test drive, what with being on the
..dole and waiting for those court convictions etc

.UCS can smell fear and indecision, so be in control at all times.
..(I.e. "No, I think I want to take a look at that Camaro
...with the "BORN TO RUN DOWN PHONE BOOTHS" bumper
...sticker - Take that Corolla away and burn it!")

These are of course, basic guidelines, but it's important to remember as many of
them as you can when you decide to use your own money to become wheeled.
Good Luck.  You car will self destruct in 1 day after the warranty expires...

spt@waikato.ac.nz.           
