Subject: British Joke for Matt Hemmelman
Date: 2 Aug 1993 11:24:20 GMT

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman  screaming
and  detects a faint  smell of burning in the air.  He runs down the street
and  around a corner  and sees a huge group of people  standing  watching a
blazing  building.  On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a
bundle to here chest, is leaning out of a window  screaming  for someone to
save her baby.

The man steps forward and calls up to the woman,  "Throw down your baby and
I'll catch it!"

"No!  No!", the woman shouts back.  "You might miss or drop my baby and the
she'll be killed!"

"No I won't!",  shouts the man.  "I am Alec  Maguire.  I'm the goal  keeper
for Ireland's  national  football [soccer] team.  I've never missed a match
in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."

"What?  Not once?", calls the woman.

"No!", shouts back the man.  "Not once.  Every football player in the world
agrees that I am the best goal keeper  there has ever been".

And with that he adopts the classic  goal  keepers  stance - legs apart and
sightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with
his arms  stretched  downwards  at a slight  angle away from his body, with
palms facing forward.

"OK!",  screams  the  woman.  "I'll  trust  you.  I've no  choice!  Her she
comes!"

So, with the flames  roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from
the window.  However,  the edge of the baby's  shawl  catches on the womans
watch  with the  result  that the  child  goes  spinning  off to one  side,
tumbling  head over heels and with her little arms and legs  flailing.  The
woman  screams  and the crowd  gasps,  all sure  that the baby will  perish
because she will fall out of reach of the man.

The man remains  motionless  as the child  descends,  spinning and tumbling
further and further away from him as she comes.  Then when the baby is only
feet from  hitting  the  ground  the man  dives a full 30 feet  across  the
pavement [sidewalk], catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls
her in towards his chest and  sheilds  her body with his left hand and arm.
He hits the  ground  heavily on his right side and lies  motionless  on the
pavement for a hew  seconds.  Then,  slowly, he raises  himself to his feet
and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.  The
crowd is awe-struck

Then the crowd errupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger  herself,
nearly faints with relief.  The man, still clutching the child to his chest
in his right  arm, waves to the crowd of  onlookers  to  acknowledge  their
appreciation.  Then,  slowly  and  gracefully,  he turns  away  from  them,
bounces the baby twice on the ground  then kicks  [punts] her 60 yards down
the road.
