I hereby submit these jokes as
."The Canonical List of Waiter, Waiter Jokes"
Enjoy! If anyone has any more, or there is already a canonical list,
please e-mail me:
.ins499y@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au

.Okesan (3/6/93)
*========================================================================*
Waiter, Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
- I'll tell him to hop it.
Waiter, Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
- Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet!
- That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
Waiter, Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this 
disgusting meal.
- I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.
Waiter, Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
- That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
Waiter, Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
- What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
- That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
- Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
- Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...
Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
- I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
Waiter, Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
- That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
Waiter, Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
- That's all right, sir, it's not hot.
Waiter, Waiter, what's this in my soup?
- I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
- Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
Waiter, Waiter, have you got asparagus?
- We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!
Waiter, Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
- The head waiter says you eat like a horse.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
- Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
- That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
- Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
Waiter, Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
- I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, if this is plaice then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* plaice.
Waiter, Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
- Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
Waiter, Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
- No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
- I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.
Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
- I'm doing my best, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
- We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
Waiter, Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
- Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.
Waiter, Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
- Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
- I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!
Waiter, Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
- It's in the sausages, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, where is my honey?
- She left last week, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
- It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
Waiter, Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
- Yes, it's very popular, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
- That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
- Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.
Waiter, Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
- So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
Waiter, Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
- That's your sausage, sir.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
- That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
- So what do you expect me to do - call a lifeguard?
Waiter, Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
- I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
- Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee tastes like glue.
Waiter, Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
- That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
==
Waiter, Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
- Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
- Then what does it matter?
==
Waiter, Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
- Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!
==
Waiter, Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
- Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.
==
Waiter, Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
- This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.
==
Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
- No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
- And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't
butter, it's margarine - so there!
==
Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
- Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
==
Waiter, Waiter, I can't eat this!
- Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.
==
Waiter, Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
- I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!
==
Waiter, Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
- Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!
==
Waiter, Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
- Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.
==
Waiter, Waiter, my bill please.
- How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
==
Waiter, Waiter, 
==
Waiter, Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some
luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
- We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..
==
Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this?
- Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.
==
Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this?
- That's been soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
==
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
- Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.
==
Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.
-- 

/**** Okesan is ins499y@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au ****/
