Subject: scuba diver jokes
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 21:32:23 GMT

Two divers surface after a long, deep dive.  As their heads pop out of the
water, a squad of jets (called Buccanneers in S.A.) flies low above their
heads.  The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those
Buccanneers!!!"
To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"
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 How do you put a condom on a whale?
 Four skin divers!  (Fore-skin divers....... get it?)
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Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the
middle of the ocean...  there's a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and
an SSI instructor. well...  everything is going fine, until the boat 
springs a leak, and starts to sink.

The SSI instructor says to his students, "okay... we're in the middle
of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."

The NAUI instructor says to his students, "okay... we might as well do our
navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."

The PADI instructor says to his students, "okay, for $25 extra you guys get
to do a wreck dive!"
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                          o
                         o  o
                         o o o
                       o
                      o    ______          ______
                      _ *o(_||___)________/___
                    O(_)(       o  ______/    \
                   > ^  `/------o-'            \
                 D|_|___/
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Then there's the one about the miserly diver who bought a surplus Algerian
compressor to save fill charges. Only thing was the instructions were
written in Sanskrit and he ended up hooking it up backwards and accidentally
*removing* 3000 pounds from his tank.

Unknowlingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is
immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again. I understand
his widow in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.
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Most of them are pretty old, but .... on my wife's office calendar
for yesterday is the remark that there was a female opera singer
with quite a range at the lower end of the scale.  She was known
as the "deep C diva."
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  A group of local divers went to a comedy club last night.  One of the comics
was a diver.  Here's some of the jokes that he told.

  "When I got certified, the instructor always stressed that you never go
diving alone.  If you run out of air, your buddy can help you.  If you have
equipment problems, your buddy can help you.  If you meet a shark, your odds
are 50-50 instead of 100%"
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"On one of my checkout dives, the instructor actually tried to touch a
shark.  His last words were, "You're it".".
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Q: How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
A: Four skin divers.
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Here is one... Do you know what SCUBA really stands for?

     Some Come Up Barely Alive

A former YMCA-certified diver,
[Compilation note: this must be because of all of the stupid risks 
that some divers insist on taking. If divers THOUGHT out their dive
BEFORE diving, there would not be as many deaths.]
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What do you call sex underwater using scuba? Screwba diving!!
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List of Contributors:
  tlj@mlb.semi.harris.com
  SNORRIS@STOUT.ATD.UCAR.EDU
  NDA1@ISIS.MSSTATE.EDU
  "TONY.KUHLMAN"
  NIM@NETCOM.COM
  ALNOLL@VNET.IBM.COM
  ANDREW COMELLO
  HEINZ@CS.UCT.AC.ZA
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