********************************************************************************


Rude And Sick Jokes
===================

********************************************************************************


Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 10 year old?
A: You can pretend shes 5.

Q: Whats the best thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
A: When you hear her pelvis break.

Q: Whats the worst thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
A: When she says shes had better.

Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: Whats 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.

Q: Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw
her go down for the third time.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

Q: Why have lepers got soft heads?
A: So their friends can dip their chips in.

Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.

Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A:When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.

Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in difference colours.

Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.

Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.

Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.

Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
A: Wet, Wet, Wet

Q: Whats 12 inchs long and stiff in the morning?
A: Cot-death.

How do you get four poofs on a barstool?
Turn it upside down

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job

Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes

What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ

What is the definition of pure agony ?
F**king a meat mincer!

What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!

Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronnie can only f*ck up

Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for dandruff on her shoes

What's the height of confusion?
Fathers Day in Brixton

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your wanking hand falls asleep

What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair

What are the three greatest lies?
a)the cheque is in the post
b)small is beatiful
c)I won't come in your mouth

Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
A :When you open her legs the lights go on

Q :Why did the pervert cross the road?
A :Because he got his n*b stuck in the chicken?

Q :Why did God give women legs?
A :Well, think of the mess a snail makes!

********************************************************************************


.King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and
conquest etc but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife
Mrs Arthur. (Ok, not original but it`ll do)
.He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just
the thing. (Fnar Fnar!)
"I have just the thing" said Merlin
.Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to
King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs A could command it
quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the
comand magic `penis my cunt' and it would satisfy her every need until she gave 
the comand `majic peis stop'.
.Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was
fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge
that his wife would stay faithfull.
.Back at the castle Mrs A was feeling a little horny. She decided the 
magic penis would be just the thing (fnar fnar!) and retired to her chamber
for a monster diddle.
.All went well and rgasmafter orgasm passed for what must have been
hours. By this time Mrs A was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble.
Unfortunately thru all that passion she had forgotten the command to call off
the magic penis and try as she might she couldn`t get it right.
.In sheer desparation she prised it from her but still it would not stop
and tried desterately to re-insert itself.
.Mrs A ran, down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate
persued by the crased vibro. As she passed the gate a gaurd shouted to her why
she was in such a rush.
"Im being chased by a magic penis" she replied
"Magic penis my arse..." said the gaurd "uuuuugh !"

********************************************************************************


A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:

"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"

********************************************************************************


Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your
mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them
happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father
will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies
and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son
is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and
the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Sais the baby stork:
"Aww, just scaring the sh*t out of college kids!"

********************************************************************************


Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport?
A. Feels on Wheels !

********************************************************************************


A  man  walks into a jewlers, unzips his trousers, and places his tool
upon the counter.
The  lady  serving  says,  "I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a
cock shop."
"Well, put two hands on this," replies the man.

********************************************************************************



Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
        eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

********************************************************************************


Entry in young woman's diary :
   
Monday   : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
           too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away.
           My legs are still my best friends.
Tuesday  : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get
           too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away.
           My legs are still my best friends.
Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and
           he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away.
           Even the best of friends must part!

********************************************************************************


Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
A: A Rotwieller.

********************************************************************************


Her father was very angry when he heard
that his twenty-year old daughter had
hitch-hiked, all alone, all the way from
San Francisco to Washington.
-"For Gods sake !", he screamed,"someone
could have attacked you and raped you!!!"
-"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she
said, trying to calm him down,"As soon as
someone gave me a ride, I said I was going
to Washington, because that's where they
have the best treatment for sexually
transmitted diseases."

********************************************************************************


One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel,dragging a dead frog
behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
He replys "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."

So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the
key doesn't work).

To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says "But shes got to have active Herpies."
The Madam replys "But all my girls are clean!"

So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.

The Madam says "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes
down the stairs,with a big grin on his face,still dragging the dead frog.

By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come
in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?".

"Well,it's like this",he says "When I get home tonight I f*ck the baby-sitter
and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and
on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets
home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30
tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work,the milkman will come round,
f*ck my mother and he'll get it."

AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!

********************************************************************************


What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
Fucks funny!.

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months

Q what do you call grit in a condom
A An organ grinder!.

Q Whats green and eats nuts
A Herpes!.

Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

********************************************************************************


Vicar:  What's that you're doing, Tommy?

Tommy:  Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar

Vicar:  Rectum, Tommy

Tommy:  Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

********************************************************************************


A kid goes up to his father.  "Dad, what's the difference between 
"essence" and "reality"?  The father thinks for a moment.  "Son, you go up 
to both your mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with a 
total stranger for a million dollars."

The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later.

"They both said yes" he tells his father.

"I will now explain to you the difference between "essence" and "reality" 
" says the father.  "In essence, we are sitting on two million dollars, 
but in reality you have two whores for a mother and sister."

********************************************************************************


Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts to my birthday?
A: Because you have cancer, son.

********************************************************************************


On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony
of the hotel while the sun is setting.
"Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me
what a penis is ?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.
"Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a d*ck, but much smaller."

********************************************************************************


"I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
"Hey, that's great."
"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."

********************************************************************************


John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head
kidnappers.  He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been
waiting for him all this time, and they prepare for their first bonk
for 5 years.
"John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so
if there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or
anything, just say and I'll do it."
"Well there are two things..."
"Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be OK."
"First, I want to take you from behind... doggy style... up the arse."
She pales slightly, swallows and says:
"Well, OK then, we can do that if that's what you want.  What's the
second thing?"
"And can I call you Terry?"

********************************************************************************


The waitress wants to deposit 10 dollars on
her bank-account.
"I'm sorry ma'm", the cashier says,"but I'm
afraid this bank-note is false."
"Auh!", she yells, "that means I was raped."

********************************************************************************


Q. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in
   common?
A. They are both fucking close to water!

********************************************************************************


Once upon a time 7 dwarves were knocking on a nun monasterys gates and
demanding entrance. Soon afterwards they were let inside and led to 
monastery's leader. She was a tough nun and asked the dwarfs:
-Well, what do you want?
So Shy asked shyly:
-Do you have a nun less than a meter tall?
The nun pondered the question for a while and replied negatively. After 
the 7 dwarves had heard the answer they bursted into laughter and started
shouting:
-Shy has fucked a penquin! Shy has fucked a penquin!

********************************************************************************


Q:  What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
A:  They have both been fucked by Mercury.

********************************************************************************


There are three people in a pub. Two of them do talk together. They
seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding.
The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I fuck (I
translate as best as possible !) only once every month"...
Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true. In my case it's only
once every other month".
Then both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They
are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
"Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
"Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy ?"
And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!"

********************************************************************************


Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a windsurfer
having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water.
They both watched the surfer go up and down while he was crying out for help.
When he sank for the final time Vera ordered Carl to dive for the man.
After some discussion Carl gave up and dived to the bottom of the lake,
pulled the man up on the lakeside.
Vera looked at the guy and found out that he wasn't breathing. This time Vera
ordered Carl to give mouth to mouth. Carl knew what he had to do and started
up. After the first blow of air in the drowned guys mouth he suddenly pulled
his head back while shouting out : "Oh my God, this guy smells horrible".

Vera first looked at Carl then at the drowned guy and replied :
"Carl - I'm sorry to say - I don't think this is the right guy, this one
 wear skates !!!!!!"

********************************************************************************


A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a
sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens
his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it,
puts it back in and closes the zipper.

The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.

Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine:
Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes
the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.

After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask:

   "Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each
    time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"

   "Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."

   "But that's awfull! What do you take for it?"

   "Pepper." Answers the man.

********************************************************************************


Old farmer Johnson was dying.
The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife:
  "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones".
Wife: .No, I can't marry anyone after You.
Johnson:But I want you to.
Wife: But why?
Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

********************************************************************************


Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he
goes to his local brothel.  He enters and finds the maddame.  As it's the
busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is chineese and
doesn't know a word of english.

"I'll take her."  He sais desperately, as he is also in a hurry.

So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full
whack the girl begins to shout out

"Sung wa! Sung wa!"  To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic
etc, so he continues unpreturbed.

The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chineese
client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can.  Just then the client
T's off and gets a whole in one.  This gives Victor the opportunity to use his
newly found chineese phrase...

"Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclames, to which the client replies,

"Wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"

********************************************************************************


  A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.  He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him.  After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires.  When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.  A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"No one shoots at me and gets away with it.  You have
two choices:  I can rip your throat out and eat you,
or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll
[ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]."

  The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town.  He's pretty mad.

  He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.  He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires.  When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.  A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

  Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka.  Now he's really mad.  He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires.  The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back.  When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

********************************************************************************


Did you hear about the man who went into a crematorium collecting
ashes to sell to cannibals as Ready Brek.

********************************************************************************


A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final ultimatum
from Farmer Buck.
"Now, me son - we've had our differences, and we've argued.  You know I think
you're not much good, and you know your brothers think worse.  Now I'm willing
to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing right.  I'm giving
these two fine, fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em to market
tomorrow.  You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and bring all of it
home to me.  See how simple it is?  Two ducks, five bucks.  OK?"

Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns.  About 11am, Farmer Jim throws Johnny out
into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches off.  It's a
beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue - and Naughty Jen the
milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her dress up above her
knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so attractive any more....  But
Jen's a mercenary sort, and when it gets down to the bodice and knickers, she
says:
"Stop right there, young Jack, unless you got a present for me!"
Johhny's straining at the fly about now, so all his owner can do is grunt:
"got two ducks in me bag, OK?"
She considers.
"Oh, alright!" and they set to.
After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen stirs
Johnny from his rest.
"Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it then".
Johnny stirs. 
"Shall we say the ducks come back, then, Jen?"
Mesmerised by the sight of Johnny rising, she eagerly agrees.

Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes.
"Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, duck bag
banging his leg, belt al undone.

Of course, he was too late for market, and his brothers pass him coming back in
their cart, smirking as they riffle their wads of bills.  Drearily he turns
about, and shuffles home.

He's moping along,swinging his bag of ducks fore emphasis as he practices what
he is going to say to his father, when a carriage thunders around the bend
behind him.  He gets such a fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the
ditch.  As he surfaces, spitting weed, he sees an elderly woman, all
distraught, berating her driver.
"Are you alright, my good man?  My idiot of a driver goes much too fast for
these lanes.  Is this your sack?"
Johnny scents a good thing.
"Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is alright".
Of course the ducks are squashed beyond repair, and Johnny has an enjoyable few
minutes shedding a tear over his prides-and-joys, until the old woman
eventually gives him fifty dollars, and drives off, leaving Johnny with the two
squashed ducks.

Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his
brothers smirk, at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks.
"You useless litle bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the simplest
thing?  Five bucks for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have you got?
Still two ducks, I see, and that means no money!  I ought to...."
His father tails off as he says Johnny's quiet smile, and his upraised hand.
"Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks?  Here, here's five - and
forty-five for meself, and the ducks back!  And you want to know how it was
done?  Simple.
Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks, fifty bucks for two fucked ducks,
now fuck you, Buck!"
And he walked off with the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into an
encore...

********************************************************************************


Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?
A. They are both fun to ride until you friends see you.

********************************************************************************


Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car?
Neither has he.

********************************************************************************


I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 
 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...

Underneath someone had scrawled...

       '.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!'

********************************************************************************


Whats yellow and hates liver ?
Ben Hardwick.

Whats the difference between Ben Hardwick and Leone Keating ?
Ben Hardwick died a virgin.

********************************************************************************


Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Bestiality
and Necrophilia?  He gave it up.  It was beating a dead horse.

********************************************************************************


Q: What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?
A: They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen!

********************************************************************************


An old woman saved a Fairy's life.  To repy this the Fairy promised to grant
the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.   Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. 
"Poof!  She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish she pointed at the cat she had kept for years.  She asked
that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth.  Afterall, he had been
her best friend for so many years.   Poof!  The Fairy turned the cat into the
most handsome man on earth.  
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and 
said,  "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutured?"

********************************************************************************


A man took his girlfriend to see the doctor because she had been suffering
chest pains.

The doctor examined her and then asked her to step outside while he spoke
to her boyfriend alone.

doc - Well sir, your girlfriend has acute angina.

man - Yeah! And her tits are pretty good as well!

********************************************************************************


Why are camels called ships of the desert?
Because they are filled with Arab semen!

********************************************************************************


This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss comes
out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments
he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a white one
      before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never
     had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

********************************************************************************


On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away.  As they reach 
the gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out front waiting for 
them, shaking his head.  As they approach, St. Peter tells them, "Ladies, 
I'm sorry, but there just isn't room for both of you in heaven right now, 
so I will only be able to take one of you.  Seeing as you have both lived 
good lives and seem equally fit to enter the kingdom, you will have to tell 
me something that's special about you."

Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands.  "Well," 
she says, "I've got THESE..."

St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good.  Very good 
indeed.  But let's see what Princess Di has to offer."

Princess Di just stands there, "I don't think there's anything special 
about me.  I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of England..."

St. Peter shakes his head, "That's just not going to do it.  Isn't there 
anything else?"

Di thinks for a minute and answers, "Well....I douche once a week...."

St. Peter's eyes light up, "Princess Di...Go right on in..."

Dolly Parton looks at St. Peter, pushes her breasts forward and says, 
"But what about THESE?"

And he says, "It's beyond my control.  Everybody knows that a Royal Flush 
beats a Pair any day!"

********************************************************************************


A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening,
she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of
Animal Husbandry.  He looks up from the page and says
to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species
in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh 
yeah?  Prove it."  He frowns for a moment, then says,
"O.K."  He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife
with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later he returns all tired and
sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep
didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how 
can I tell?"

********************************************************************************


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor blade?
Still no bloody idea

What do you call a deer with no feet, legs, torso, neck, or head?
A hat rack

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer...

What do you call that kind of a deer with no chance of going to heaven?
Still no f*cking goddamned idea.

********************************************************************************


A blind man was walking down the street when a dog comes up and pisses on his
leg. Anyway, he proceeds to get a biscuit out of his pocket and feed it to
the dog. A man waiting at a nearby bus queue has watched this incident and
goes over to the blind man and says "I can't believe you're giving the dog a
treat after he's just pissed all down your leg". The blind man replies "I'm
not, I'm giving him the biscuit so I can judge where his mouth his".
"What for ?" says the bystander. The blind man replies "Well now that I know
where his mouth is I can give him a good f**king kick in the b*ll*cks !".

********************************************************************************


   A man had been jogging down a stretch of  beach for years when one day he 
noticed a woman with no arms or legs sunning herself on a beach towel in the 
morning air.  He stopped and talked to her for a few minutes and then began to 
go on his way.

   For many months this man continues to jog down the same route and every 
morning he saw the same woman with no arms or legs, so her appearance onthe 
beach was not abnormal to him.

   One day he was jogging down the beach and he saw the same woman crying.  
Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what was wrong.  
He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? Why are you crying?'  The woman 
replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been hugged before.'
The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, gave her a BIIIG hug, and then went
on his way down the beach.

   The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman crying even harder 
this time.  Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what
was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? What are you crying
about this time?' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've
never been kissed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, gave her
a BIIIG kiss, and then went on his way down the beach. 

   The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman just bawling hewre 
eyes out!.  Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to see what
was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'Geez lady, what's the matter this time?
Why are you bawling?!?!' The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and
I've never been fu**ed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, 
looked into here eyes, and then tossed her into the surf!

   He looked out at the ocean and screamed, 'Well you're fu**ed NOW!!!'

********************************************************************************


While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the
man's balls.  To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to
replace the missing ball with an onion.  
.Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief.  But then he
added, "I've had some strange side effects."
"What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water.  When my wife gives me a 
blow job she gets heartburn.  And every time I pass a hamburger
stand I get a hard-on".

********************************************************************************


  Four sisters in a church are going to confess. the first of them confess
to the prayer that she had touch the sexual parties of a man with her right
hand. So the prayer get red cheeks and tell her to wash her right hand in the
holy water and to pray fifty times.  Then the second sister come in the
confessional and says to the father : I'm soory father, but i think i made a
little mistake because i have had a man'sex in my left hand. The prayer becomes
angry and tell her : You have to wash your left hand in the holy water and then
pray at least 100 times for Mary.

  Then the fourth sister says to the third : Please let me go before you, 
because i don't want to wash my mouth in the water after you had wash your ass
in it.

********************************************************************************


A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were at the doctors office for some
prenatal care.  The brunette says that her mother has a theory for 
predicting the sex of a baby....it depends on the "position" they were
in.  The brunette says, "based on my mothers theory, since I was on top,
my baby is going to be a girl".  The redhead says, "well then, mine is
going to be a boy since my husband was on top".  By this time, the
blonde was crying hysterically.  The other two as what's wrong and the
blonde responds,

    "I'mmmmm gooooinnnnng to havvve puppp.pp..ppp..ies!!!" 

********************************************************************************



What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for?  I'm the one she's going to *EAT*!

********************************************************************************


Why is a pool table green ?
Well, if someone racked your balls, you'd be green too.

********************************************************************************


Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks
for the price.
This frog is worth $4000, madam.
WHAT ? why is it so expensive ?
Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus.
I see... I'll take it.
takes frog home, showers, puts silk gown, perfume, opens box on bed.
frog doesn't perform, she calls the shop.
I'll be right over, says the shopowner.
Moments later, shopowner sees the problem, tells the frog :
All right now, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you !!!

********************************************************************************




Q. Whats the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

********************************************************************************


Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I've got two cocks and the one on the right is sore 
         from w*nking all the time.
Doctor : Pull the other one.

********************************************************************************


Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I dont relly think that your wife  Minnie having bucked 
         teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce
Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I sid she was f*cking goofy

********************************************************************************


A man entered a dog at crufts and got six months.

********************************************************************************


A little girl was told off for wetting herself in class. 
"Why didn't you put your hand up", asked the teacher?
"I did, but it kept running out"

********************************************************************************


The grand old duke of York, he had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.

********************************************************************************


Q. Whats the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
A. Both are meat substitutes

********************************************************************************


Q. Whats the largest drawback in the jungle?
A. An elephants foreskin

********************************************************************************


Q. What do a walrus and a tupperware box have in common?
A. both like a tight seal.

********************************************************************************


Three men are at the local races and are wondering what number horse to bet on.  
While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the loo
and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together and that would be
the number horse they would bet on.  Deciding that this was a brilliant idea
the took of to the loo.  Inside, the first man says "Mines 6 inches", the
second man says "Mines 4 inches, so that totals 10" and the third guy says
"Mines 2 inches so that brings the total to 12".  So out they race and put all
there money on horse number 12.  Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in in
front of all the rest.  So off they went to collect their winnings.  Then came
the problem of how they were going to split the money.  While thinking the
first man says "mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%".  Thinking along the
same line the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%".  Now the
third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says "I should get it all". 
The other two look at each other and say "Why?", to which the third man says
"If I didn't have a hard-on it would only have been 1 inch in which you would
have bet on number 11 and lost everything".

********************************************************************************


A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells
her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the
woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning
and tell her what happened.
The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says
she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the same thing
happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even
better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five
pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The
next day the woman comes in limp but happy and tells the therapist that the
sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle, the therapist says she doesn't know it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a per-
son. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office.
Six months later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says:
"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why,yes, young man, I did.Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in
the corner going  'Here, kitty, kitty,kitty......."

********************************************************************************


A mouse was walking through the jungle when he hears a voice crying
out "help, help!"  Upon looking around, he sees an elephant stuck in
a mudhole, unable to move.  "Please help me" cried the elephant.
The mouse thinks for a minute, runs off and returns shortly there-
after behind the wheel of a mercedes.  He backs the mercedes up
to the mudhole, the elephant grabs hold of the bumper, the mouse
floors the accelerator, and the elephant is slowly pulled from the
mudhole and rescued.

A couple of weeks later, the elephant is meandering through the
jungle when he hears a feeble "help! help!".  He finds the mouse
stuck in the very same mudhole!  "Help me, Mr. Elephant!  Run and
get your mercedes so that you can rescue me!"  The elephant replies
that he doesn't have a mercedes and thinks and thinks and thinks....
Finally, he straddles the mudhole, and slowly lets down his penis,
inch by inch, until the mouse is able to reach it.  Thus the mouse
was saved by climbing up the elephant's penis.

The moral of the story?

You don't need a mercedes if you have a big dick!

********************************************************************************


So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that
the word of the day is 'contagious.'  She asks if anyone can use this word in
a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.  "Johnny," she says.
Johnny says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're
contagious."  "Very good," says the teacher.  Then she picks Suzie, who says,
"The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that Carl has his hand up, at the back of the class.  "Yes,
Carl?" she says.  Carl says, "Th'other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around,
and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence.  She had a tiny little
model-car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the
fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish
that fence.""

********************************************************************************


While traveling at night through a wooded area,Craig's car died and after
several hours of walking he happened upon a farm. He asked the farm's owner
if he could spend the night and find a tow truck in the morning. The farmer
agrees and tells him that the only bedroom available is his daughter's and
he could stay there if he promised not to touch her. Craig agrees and the
farmer leads him to the bedroom. While in the bedroom, Craig finds the
farmer's daughter already asleep and thinks she's incredibly beautiful
but remembers his promise to the farmer. Later, he decides that one kiss
couldn't hurt, so he leans over, kisses her, and gets a mouth full of white
rice. "Yuck,"he thinks to himself,"I hate white rice."
The next morning, Craig tries to get a tow truck, but because of the
location,no one wants to assist him so he has to stay at the farmer's house
a few more days. That night,Craig sees the farmer's daughter leans over
kisses her and gets a mouth full white rice."Yuck,"he thinks to himself,"I
hate white rice!"This continues for two more days.
On the fifth day, Craig finally finds a tow truck company to haul his car
and as he's leaving he turns to the farmer and says,"I know I promised not
to touch your daughter, but I found her so incredibly beautiful I had to
kiss her. Could you please tell me why it is that everytime I kiss your
daughter I get a mouth full of white rice?"
The farmer says, "That's easy. My daughter's been dead for six days."

********************************************************************************


Q. What's black and runs on electricity ?
A. Michael Watson

********************************************************************************


Q: What's the worst thing about having a heart/lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlemb.

********************************************************************************


One day a man (or a woman if you want it that way) arrives at the gate of
hell. Of course the pour sool gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a
life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of
three rooms. The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man
sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle
of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below
zero. "Let's go to the next room", the man says, "I like eternity to be a
little warmer." The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is
burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he
says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr
Diabolo!". The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dogshit to
their knees a group of people is drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man
exclames," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the
stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million
years!". As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic
smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he
thinks. But after a wile a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a
speaker:

"Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !"

********************************************************************************





A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where
a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.  When she finally gets
around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".  With
a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?!
Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100".


     One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen
were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well
dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.  One
of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to
spend the night with that woman."  Much to their surprise,
the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and
replied, "I'll take you up on that."  She had a neat
appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to
her apartment.

     The following morning the man presented her with $25.00
as he prepared to leave.  She demanded the rest of the money,
stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you
for it."  He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on
these grounds."

     The next day he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.
He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the
case.  His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement
against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to
see how her case will be presented."

     After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer
addressed the court as follows:

     "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a
piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse
growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the
defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of
$50.00.  The defendant took possession of the property, used
it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but
upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half
the amount agreed upon.  The rent was not excessive, since it
is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted
against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

     The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the
way his opponent had presented the case.  His defense,
therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally
planned to present it.  "Your honor," he said, "My client
agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he
did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure
was derived from the transaction.  However, my client found a
well on the property around which he placed his own stones,
sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed
personally by him.  We claim these improvements to the
property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and
that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of
said property.  We, therefore, ask that judgement not be
granted."

     The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my
client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her
property.  However, had the defendant not known that the well
existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon
evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.  In doing
so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery,
but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his
occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others.
We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

     And it was. She won the case ...................




Private Weston was staitioned in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated
location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman,
he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action.
"Well, hell boy, just use the camel. Like everyone else.", the sergeant replied.
Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place.
"What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says.
The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself."
 A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of
private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant.
"Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust."
The sergeant says, "Look boy I toldya if you want some action, go use the camel.
Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and 
dirt surrounding the camel's butt.
"Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away.
More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. 
Before he can speak the sergeant yells,"Look Weston, I'm not telling you
again. Either use the camel or forget it!"
Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large,
furry, female mammal", he thinks.
He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks
up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to
ride into town and pick up girls."

He was promoted to Colonel a week later.


A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a
shower.

"daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia.

"oh, erm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarressingly replied.

"well it's got hell of a big dick", she snapped back.



A cab driver pulls up to the curb and picks up a nun. Its a fairly
long drive to the nun's destination, and having run out of small talk
the cabbie is at a loss of words.

After a noticible silence, the cabbie speaks up.
"You know sister, I've got this weird fantasy."
"And what might that be?"
"Well you see, I've always wanted to make it with a nun in the back
seat of my cab"

After this remark, there is silence in the cab again. And a few
minutes later the nun speaks up.
"I must also confess, that I have had fantasies about making it with a
cab driver in a cab."

After hearing this the cabbie decides to pull into an alley for some
action. But before they could do anything the nun asks him to promise
her two things. First he had to promise her that he wasn't married to
avoid adultry. "I promise I'm not married." Next he had to promise to
enter her in the rear to retain her virginity. And the cabbie agreed
to those terms also.

After all was said and done, they dressed and proceeded to the
destination. Just as the nun was exiting the cab, the cab driver
called out and said, "I have a confession to make... I'm married. Will
you forgive me for lying?"
To which the nun replies "Yeah I think I can, oh, I too have a
confession to make. My name is Bob, and I'm on my way to a costume party!"



A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm
by a bee.  She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She asks "Is anyone here a doctor?".  One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands
up and says "I'm a doctor, what can i help you with?"  

"I've been stung by a bee"

"Oh really, where?"

"Between the first and second hole"

"Well first of all, your stance is too wide...."



Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable
          urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you
          know what's wrong with me?
Doctor  : Yes ... you're fucking crackers.


      "A farmer woke up one morning to find that his rooster had died while
 cock-a-doodle-dooing one morning. So he went to the local market a few
 miles away and was sold a real randy rooster by the local dealers. He
 had been told that this one was so hot it would f**k anything that moved.

       The farmer went home with his new rooster, and true to form the rooster
 was caught wanking in the back of the van. Feeling very pleased with himself
 he put the rooster in question in his farm yard and soon enough it was
 poking everything insight: chickens, pigs, horses and even the farmer's wife.

       The next morning the farmer woke up as usual and looked out of the 
 window to find his newly acquired rooster lying motionless on the floor. He
 ran out of the house to investigate and was about to inspect the rooster
 when it turned around and told him:
   
       "F**k off I'm waiting for the vultures!!!!!"


A Tourist is lost in the vast plains of Australia.  He asks 
a farmer for shelter.  The farmer agrees to let him sleep in the animal
shed.
Next day the Tourist tells the farmer - You have great animals in there!
they can talk.
The farmer says What ! I don't believe it.
The Tourist calls the Horse and tells it to say something. The horse 
says " The farmer treats me well"
The tourist says " Well you know your pig can talk too"
The farmer is really amazed.  The Tourist calls the pig and the pig 
tells something about the weather.
The tourist then says " Your sheep too can talk "
The farmer cries out immediately " He is a liar . Don't believe him."



A Martian couple landed on the earth.  The emerged from their spacecraft
and went up to a farmhouse.  They knocked on the door.  When the
farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars
and wanted to come in to chat.  The farm couple extended their hospitality
and they all seemed to hit it off well.  After a while, the farmer said
"Do you two swing?"

The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned
for appropriate activity.

After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman,
"Is my dick long enough?"

She replied, "Well--now that you mention it, I would like it a little
longer."  

He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic,
his dick got longer.  "How's that now?"

"One notch more" said the woman.

Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left
ear.  His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?"

She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once.  The woman said
"That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away.

The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the
husband said "how was it for you?"  The wife replied, "Super!  How about
you?"

The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted
my ears off!"




Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was caught sitting on
Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!'


Why did the leper fail his driving test?
Because he left his foot on the accelerator........


A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's
cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette.  Suddenly the phone rings.  Her
boyfriend is coming over.  She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade,
puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.  The
parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"



A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first
blow job, so give me a double wiskey."

So he drank it straight down. He then ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then
another 2 again...

The barman asked, "you sure you've had enough?"

The man replied, "just enough to take the taste away."


Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death.  She decided she
wanted to get married again.  But, she didn't know any elligible men.  So she
decided to put an ad in the newspaper.

The ad contained three criteria:

       1.  The man would not beat her.  (like her previous husband)
       2.  The man would not run around on her.  (like her previous husband)
AND    3.  The man was good in bed.


The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang.  When she answered the
doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair.  She asked the man if she could help
him and he said he was there to respond to the ad.

Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. 

He said the ad for the Husband.  Then Madge told him that there were specific
needs in the ad.  

The man in the wheelchair replied:
       1.  Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
       2.  I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.

Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad."

The main in the wheelchair asked:  "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

        An Indian brave came up to his chief.

  "Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give."
  "Mmmmm.  When your cousin was born...I look across and see
   deer leaping in field.  I name her `DearLeapingInField'.
   When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying
   over.  I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this,
   TWODOGSFUCKING."


I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she
would have to make cutbacks...

Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without
    the ironing lady.

She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the
     the gardener.



There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman.  All guys were
discussing their cars etc.


The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it pers like
a cat."
The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it
slices the air while it drives."

Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris"

The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that

The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !"



  A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on
the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady
gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner
(who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on...

Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white
             boy bossman, whyha do this bossman?

Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do,
          it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens.

Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife...

Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I
          got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black
          one, it happens...

Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the
             sheep...


   There were these 3 Ag Science students  driving along this old farm
   road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked
on the farmers door.
   The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and
said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was
wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"?
   The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try".
   About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with
their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about
his business.
   About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm,
knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He
chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time?
   Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see
you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go
out and get us a bucket of milk?
   Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it
and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk
from my milkweeds".
   Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket
FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused,
but just a little less skeptical.
   It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students
came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that
they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows.
        Needless to say the farmer went with them.


