ACTION'S LAW
.Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

ALBRECHT'S LAW
.Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

ALLEN'S (or CANN'S) AXIOM
.When all else fails, read the instructions.

BOREN'S FIRST LAW
.When in doubt, mumble.

BOVE'S THEOREM
.The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
.increases as the deadline approaches.

BOWIE'S THEOREM
.If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

BROOK'S LAW
.Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
.It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money.

CANN'S (or ALLEN'S) AXIOM
.When all else fails, read the instructions.

CARLSON'S CONSOLATION
.Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad
.example.

CLARKE'S THIRD LAW
.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

COHN'S LAW
.The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
.time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
.all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

CONWAY'S LAW
.In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is
.going on.  This person must be fired.

LAW OF CONTINUITY
.Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail in the same
.way.

CORRESPONDENCE COROLLARY
.An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your
.data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

CROPP'S LAW
.The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent
.in the office.

CUTLER WEBSTER'S LAW
.There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally
.involved, in which case there is only one.

DEADLINE-DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION
.The higher the ``higher-ups'' are who've come to see your demo, the
.lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

DEMIAN'S OBSERVATION
.There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and
.should read ``ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE''.

DENNISTON'S LAW
.Virtue is its own punishment.

DOW'S LAW
.In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the
.confusion.

DR. CALIGARI'S COME-BACK
.A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of
.work without performing a backup.

ESTRIDGE'S LAW
.No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
.redefine it.

FINAGLE'S LAWS
    1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
    2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake
       it.
    3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
    4) No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his
       pet theory.

FINAGLE'S RULES
    1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you
       start.
    2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
    3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
    4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
    5) Program results should always be reproducible. They should all
       fail in the same way.
    6) Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

FINSTER'S LAW
.A closed mouth gathers no feet.

FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
.History doesn't repeat itself --- historians merely repeat each other.

FRANKLIN'S RULE
.Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be
.disappointed.

GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
    1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
       find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
       the computer.
    2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
    3) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
       errors, which by definition are limited.
    4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
       cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work
       done.

GINSBERG'S THEOREM
    1) You can't win.
    2) You can't break even.
    3) You can't even quit the game.

GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
.The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've
.got it made.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
.Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

GOLD'S LAW
.If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

GORDON'S FIRST LAW
.If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing
.well.

GOVERNMENT'S LAW
.There is an exception to all laws.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
.Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

GUMMIDGES'S LAW
.The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number
.of statements understood by the general public.

GUMPERSON'S LAW
.The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional
.to its desirability.

HANLON'S RAZOR
.Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
.stupidity.

HARP'S COROLLARY TO ESTRIDGE'S LAW
.Your ``IBM PC-compatible'' computer grows more incompatible with every
.passing moment.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

HELLER'S LAW
.The first myth of management is that it exists.

HINDS' LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
    1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
    5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
       programmer who must maintain it.
    7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and
       you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROGRAMS
.Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

HUBBARD'S LAW
.Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

JENKINSON'S LAW
.It won't work.

JOHNSON-LAIRD'S LAW
.Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.

LARKINSON'S LAW
.All laws are basically false.

THE LAST ONE'S LAW OF PROGRAM GENERATORS
.A program generator creates programs that are more ``buggy'' than
.the program generator.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
.Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

LYNCH'S LAW
.When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM
.The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

MAY'S LAW
.The quality of correlation is inverely proportional to the density
.of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

MENCKEN'S LAW
.There is always an easy answer to every human problem --- neat,
.plausible, and wrong.

MESKIMEN'S LAW
.There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

MUIR'S LAW
.When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
.everything else in the universe.

MURPHY'S LAWS
    1) If anything can go wrong, it will (and at the worst possible moment).
    2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
    3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.

MURPHY'S FOURTH LAW
.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one
.that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
.Things get worse under pressure.

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
.The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the
.time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

NIXON'S THEOREM
.The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
.he can blame it on.

NOLAN'S PLACEBO
.An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION
.No matter where you are, there you are.

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
.Cleanliness is next to impossible.

OSBORN'S LAW
.Variables won't, constants aren't.

O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW
.Murphy was an optimist.

PARKINSON'S LAW
.Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

PARKINSON'S LAW (MODIFIED)
.The components you have will expand to fill the available space.

PEER'S LAW
.The solution to a problem changes the problem.

PETER'S PRINCIPLE
.In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his
.incompetence.

THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
.You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

PUDDER'S LAW
.Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
.Pudder's law is not true.)

RHODE'S COROLLARY TO HOARE'S LAW
.Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine
.struggling to be free.

ROBERT E. LEE'S TRUCE
.Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.

RUDIN'S LAW
.In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses
.of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

RULE OF ACCURACY
.When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to
.know the answer.

RYAN'S LAW
.Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
.yourself as an expert.

SATTINGER'S LAW
.It works better if you plug it in.

SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
.People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
.one being made.

SHAW'S PRINCIPLE
.Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want
.to use it.

SNAFU EQUATIONS
    1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
    2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
    3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
    4) Interchangeable devices won't.
    5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and
       fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible
       to everyone else.
    6) Badness comes in waves.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
.It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

THOREAU'S THEORIES OF ADAPTATION
    1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
       commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
       command structure.
    2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar ``bug'' in
       the system, the system is revised, the ``bug'' taken away, and you're
       left with a useless routine.
    3) Efforts in improving a program's ``user friendliness'' invariable lead
       to work in improving user's ``computer literacy''.
    4) That's not a ``bug'', that's a feature!

THYME'S LAW
.Everything goes wrong at once.

THE LAW OF THE TOO SOLID GOOF
.In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct
.beyond all need of checking contain the errors.
    
    Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either.
    Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice,
.will spot it immediately.

UNNAMED LAW
.If it happens, it must be possible.

WEILER'S LAW
.Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.

WEINBERG'S COROLLARY
.An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to
.the grand fallacy.

WEINBERG'S LAW
.If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then
.the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

WHITEHEAD'S LAW
.The obvious answer is always overlooked.

WILCOX'S LAW
.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

WOOD'S AXIOM
.As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
.life-or-death situation, the power fails.

WOODWARD'S LAW
.A theory is better than its explanation.

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
.Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use
.a larger can.

More of Murphy's Laws

 Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

 Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

 Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 Quality assurance doesn't.

 The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
    know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

 Exceptions always outnumber rules.

 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 He who hesitates is probably right.

 The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

 If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

 One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

 A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

 The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
    butter.

 The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

 When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
    weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

 The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

 The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

 You never want the one you can afford.

 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
    price.

 If it says ``one size fits all,'' it doesn't fit anyone.

 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

 Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
    weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

 When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
    while all other coins will roll out of sight.

 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.

 Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

 Interchangable parts won't.

 No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

 Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
    incompetence.

 Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
    session.

 The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

 As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters
    turbulence.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
    them being made.

 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
    illegible.

 A free agent is anything but.

 The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

 Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

 The one item you want is never the one on sale.

 The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
    keys.

 If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
    unreasonable.
.
\bye

Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA

If you mail to original@looking.on.ca, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards.   Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.


Article 1076 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!lll-winken!looking!funny-request
From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: More of Murphy's Laws
Keywords: chuckle, heard it
Message-ID: <S245.633b@looking.on.ca>
Date: 21 Mar 91 00:30:04 GMT
Lines: 120
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca

Source: Colleague at Wash. Dept. of Info. Services, Olympia, Washington

