Modern American Guide to National Holidays

Holiday:        Hangover Day
Date:           January 1st
Purpose:        This day is used by many to recover from hangovers that
..were acquired as a result of excessive partying the
..night before.

Holiday:        Savings Extravaganza Day
Date:           Third Monday of February
Purpose:        This day is used by merchants across the land to put
..everything they have in stock on sale.  I think the
..merchants are just longing for the booming pre-Presents 
..Day season when they have these sales in February.
 
Holiday:        Gardening Day
Date:           Fourth Monday of May
Purpose:        On this day, millions of surburbanites flock to their
..local garden centers to purchase plants to make their
..yards more cheery.  In northern climes, it is also know
..as Tomato Transplanting Day, as there is little chance
..of frost damage after this date.
 
Holiday:        Fireworks Day
Date:           July 4th
Purpose:        Fireworks fill the skies on this day as neighbors
..alienate each other by setting off firecrackers and
..shooting bottle rockets back and forth.  Extra
..friendship points are acquired by continuing the
..barrage after midnight.
 
Holiday:        Kiss Summer Goodbye Day
Date:           First Monday after the first Sunday of September
Purpose:        Millions of city dwellers flock to the country to enjoy
..one last weekend of fun-in-the-sun before cruel winter
..arrives.
 
Holiday:        Turkey Day
Date:           Fourth Thursday of November
Purpose:        Forcing massive quantities of food (especially turkey)
..into your stomach is the theme for this day.  Many males
..and some females waste the afternoon away by watching
..football --- if they can stay awake with all that food in
..their bellies.
 
Holiday:        Mall Day
Date:           Friday after Turkey Day
Purpose:        Malls are overflowing with zillions of shoppers who have
..nothing else to do on this usually miserable day in late
..fall.  This day marks the first day of the pre-Presents
..Day shopping spree.  Merchants have been trying to get
..this day moved to sometime in October, but they have had
..little luck in doing so despite the fact that they put
..up Presents Day decorations earlier each year.
 
Holiday:        Presents Day
Date:           December 25th
Purpose:        This day is the hands-down favorite of kids across the
..land.  It usually starts at about 5:00 AM if children
..live in the house.  Kids tear into huge mounds of
..presents the have been lying underneath a gaudily
..decorated evergreen tree as soon as they can convince
..their tired parents to get up.  The house is usually
..totally trashed by tons of gift wrapping by 8:00.  Most
..of the cheaply built toys the children just had to have
..are no longer in working condition after sundown.
