1. Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket.
--- Lee Trevino

2. A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
--- Farmers Almanac

3. If you think OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
--- Wilcox's Law

5. All kookies are not in a jar.

6. I never give them hell.  I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
--- Harry Truman

7. Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
--- H. L. Mencken

8. Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your children.

9. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
--- Horner's Five-Thump Postulate

10. Wet manure is slippery.
--- OSHA discovery

11. A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is
a leader.
--- Harry Truman

12. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

13. People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
--- Lewis' Law

14. Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
--- Will Rogers

15. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can
blame it on.
--- Jones' Law

16. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--- Will Rogers

17. The scenery only changes for the lead dog.

18. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work

19. The good die young --- because they see it's no use living if you've
got to be good.
--- John Barrymore

20. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong
lane.

21. When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them.
--- H. V. Prochnow

22. Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as
managerial ability.
--- Boyle's Law

23. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
--- Frank Adams

24. Mrs. Murphy's Law --- Mr. Murphy was an optimist.

25. If you're coasting, you're going downhill.

26. Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

27. Old age is an incurable disease.

28. For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of
trash.
--- Orben's Packaging Discovery

29. Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.
--- F. M. Knowles

30. Diplomacy --- the art of saying ``Nice doggie'' 'til you can find a stick.
--- Wynn Catlin

31. You can't fall off the floor.
--- Murphy's Law

32. Just when I finally figure out where it's at ... somebody moves it.
--- Chataqua Boulevard Law

33. You should have seen it when I got it.
--- Bureaucratic Cop-out #1

34. Fans don't boo ``nobodies''.

35. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
--- Milton Berle

36. I'm proud of paying taxes.  The only thing is --- I could be just as
proud for half the money.
--- Arthur Godfrey

37. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
--- Earl Wilson

38. I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
same opportunity.
--- Mark Twain

39. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
--- Mark Waldrip

40. If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati --- everything
comes there ten years later.
--- Will Rogers

41. Lawyers are like beavers. They get in the main stream and jam it up.
--- W. Freund

42. One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the back
seat.
--- Homer Phillips

43. Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
--- W. C. Fields

44. Aaeeeyaayaaayaaya.
--- Johnny Weismuller

45. Gray hair is God's graffiti.
--- Bill Cosby

46. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

47. I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire.
--- Lewis Timberlake

48. 95% of this game is half mental.
--- Yogi Berra

49. Taco Bell is not a Mexican telephone company.

50. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
--- Canada Bill Jones

51. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
--- C. E. Ayers

52. To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.

53. Familiarity breeds contempt --- and children.
--- Mark Twain

54. Interchangable parts won't.

55. Pick good people --- talent never wears out.

56. Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.

57. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
--- Beauregard's Law

58. Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
--- Greener's Law

59. An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one
takes him.
--- Kelly's Law

60. Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay.
--- Bill Stern

61. No man's credit is as good as his money.
--- E. W. Howe

62. Cadillacs are down at the end of the bat.
--- Ralph Kiner

63. We have deep depth.
--- Yogi Berra

64. We made too many wrong mistakes.
--- Yogi Berra

65. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
--- Casey Stengel

66. If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care
of myself.
--- Mickey Mantle

67. We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't
hittin'.
--- Casey Stengel

68. I've got to stop getting fired like this.  People will start to think
I'm a drifter.
--- Lee Iacocca

69. Once over the hill you pick up speed.

70. Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.

71. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.

72. Warning on a sports car: ``The keys are on the seat next to the
doberman''.

73. In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
--- Kathy Norris

74. The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money.
--- IRS auditor
 
75. The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease! Sometimes it gets
replaced.
--- Vic Gold

76.  After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will
be found on the bench.
--- Murphy's Corollary

77. Another basic law: If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must
be disposed of.
--- Fiedler's Forecasting Rules

78. He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
--- Joan L. Brannon

79. Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
--- Ben Franklin

80. Creditors have better memories than debtors.
--- Ben Franklin

81. There is nothing so habit forming as money.
--- Dan Marquis

82. When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
--- Mark Twain

83. Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original
dimensions.
--- Oliver Wendell Holmes

84. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

85. People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
--- Comins' Law

86. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
--- Nixon's Principle

87. Did you ever hear of a self-made failure?

88. There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience.
--- Jacob Braude

89. Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
--- Bits & Pieces

90. Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

91. Don't be irreplacable.  If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.

92.  Fact without theory is trivia.  Theory without fact is bullshit.

93. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

94. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

95. If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

96. Whatever you have, you must either use or lose.
--- Henry Ford

97. The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
is a match.

98. When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, I'M DOWN AND OUT!

99. We will have the answers for you tomorrow morning!

100. Adolescents --- children old enough to dress by themselves, if they could
just remember where they last saw their clothes.

101. It doesn't matter if you win or lose ... until you lose.

102. If you think you can, or if you think you can't ... you're right!

103. You can observe a lot by just watching.
--- Yogi Berra

104. Republicans employ exterminators.  Democrats step on bugs.

105. I once worked as a salesman and was very independent.  I took
orders from no one!
--- Gerand Barzan

106. Are you man or mouse?  Squeak up!

107. A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for
nothing.
--- Joey Adams

108. If you hit a home run you can take your time running the bases.
--- Casey Stengel

109. Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset
is dumb.
--- Caroline Donnelly

110. Never try to guess your wife's size.  Just buy her anything marked
``petite'' and hold on to the receipt.

111. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world
have nothing to do with tires.

112. Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the
personality to be accountants.

113. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in
another city.
--- George Burns

114. In Mexico we have a word for sushi --- bait.
--- Jose' Simon

115. In America, you can always find a party.  In Russia, the party always
finds you.
--- Yakov Smirnoff

116. There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
--- George Carlin

117. If you don't make dust ... you eat dust.

Excerpted from  Quotes, Damned Quotes and ... by John Bibby

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different. (Goethe)

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)

``Give us a copper Guv'' said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. ``I
haven't eaten for three days.'' ``Ah,'' said the statistician, ``and
how does that compare with the same period last year?'' (Russell Lewis)

``I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.'' (Winston Churchill)

``You haven't told me yet,'' said Lady Nuttal, ``what it is your
fiance does for a living.''
``He's a statistician,'' replied Lamia, with an annoying sense of
being on the defensive.
Lady Nuttal was obviously taken aback. It had not occurred to
her that statisticians entered into normal social relationships.
The species, she would have surmised, was perpetuated in some
collateral manner, like mules.
``But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting profession,'' said Lamia
warmly.
``I don't doubt it,'' said her aunt, who obviously doubted it very
much. ``To express anything important in mere figures is so
plainly impossible that there must be endless scope for
well-paid advice on the how to do it. But don't you think that
life with a statistician would be rather, shall we say,
humdrum?''
Lamia was silent. She felt reluctant to discuss the surprising
depth of emotional possibility which she had discovered below
Edward's numerical veneer.
``It's not the figures themselves,'' she said finally. ``It's what
you do with them that matters.'' (K.A.C. Manderville, The undoing of Lamia 
Gurdleneck)


\bye


From zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!samsung!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request Mon Feb 19 23:45:51 EST 1990
Article 192 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!samsung!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request
>From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Statisticians
Keywords: true, chuckle
Message-ID: <98873@looking.on.ca>
Date: 20 Feb 90 00:30:09 GMT
Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca
Lines: 55
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk!jrp1

Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
