Q: What's the hardest part about getting your sex changed from male to female?
A: Inserting the anchovies.

What do 10 million battered women have in common?
They don't know when to shut up.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: why is it a bad idea to cook vegetables in an oven?
A: coz it melts the rubber on their wheelchairs..

Q: What do you call a girl with two toilets?
A: Lulu!

Q: Why did the blind chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the bird's eye shop!

Q:  Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
A:  If it had four, it would be a sedan.

Q: Did you hear about the guy born with three testicles ?
A: He was getting dates left, right, and centre.

Q: What do you say to a guy who is driving a Hyundai and has 2 pit bulls?
A: Nice car!

Q: Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry a dozen donuts and two pots of coffee.

Q: Who is the most popular female at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.

Q: Do you know how i can make my dick 18 inches long?
A: Fold it in half.

Q: Why do blondes always fail their drivers tests?
A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.

Q: How did the Iowan die in the pie eating contest?
A: A cow stepped on his head.

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts.
Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: Blowjob.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic policeman?
A: He spent Friday night giving out IUD's.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus?
A: I don't know either, but it sure can pick a lot of lettuce!

Q: Why dont women have brains ???
A: Cuz they dont have a dick to put it in.

Q:  What do the Atlanta Braves have in common with Rin Tin Tin?
A:  They both prefer to come from behind.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why was Santa Claus arrested?
A: He got caught laying dolls under the tree.

Q: What did one tampax say to the other tampax?
A: Nothing because they're both stuck up cunts

Q: What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common?
A: They both have colored balls.

Q: Why did Spock pee on the ceiling?
A: To go where no man has gone before.

Q: What did Spock find in the toilet?
A: The Captain's log

Q: Why were they sending women with PMS to Saudi Arabia?
A: Because they're mean and they retain water.

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: How did the dead baby cross the road?
A: Stapled to the chicken.

Q: What does a Polish woman get from her husband on their wedding night that's
   long and hard?
A: A new last name.

Q: Did you hear of the American Indian once drank tea all day and all night?
A: He was found dead in his tea pee.

Q: Did you hear about the new job opening circumcising elephants?
A: The pay's terrible but the tips are enormous!

Q: Why do black people keep chickens in their gardens ?
A: To teach their kids how to walk.

Q: What's Snow Whites favorite drink ?
A: Seven Up.

Q: What did the kid who had AIDS get for christmas ?
A: Cancer.

Q: What's black and got a hole in the middle ?
A: Marvin Gaye.

Q: What do you call a black woman who's had 12 abortions ?
A: Crime Prevention Officer.

Q: What do you call a black man in a suit ?
A: The accused.

Q: What do you say to an black man with a job ?
A: Big Mac and fries, twice.

Q: Did you hear that one of the California Raisins died earlier today?
A: Police are looking for a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What do Billy Graham and the Vikings have in common?
A: On Sunday, they both can get 65,000 people on there feet yelling Jesus Christ.

Q: Did you hear about the tuna that lost his job?
A: He got canned.

Q: Which costs more, beer nuts or deer nuts?
A: Deer nuts, they're under a buck.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny woman?
A: One is a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of girls and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A: One is a cunning runt.

Q: What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.\"
Q: What did Mick Jagger say when he saw Hugh Hefner screwing Dennis Weaver ?
A: Hey Hugh, get off of McCloud.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet under?
A: Because they're really nice guys deep down.

Q: Where did the Challenger crew go for vacation?
A: All over Florida.

Q: What was the last thing Christa McCauliffe said to her husband
   as she was leaving for work?
A: You feed the dog, and I'll feed the fish.

Q: How did the ground crew discover that Christa McCauliffe had dandruff?
A: They found her head and shoulders on the beach.

Q: What does a mother gerbil say to her baby gerbils?
A: "Now don't go hanging around any assholes."

Q: Did you hear about the toothless termite who walked into the bar and asked:
A: "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: What are the first symptoms of AIDS ?
A: An awful pain in your asshole, and a warm breath on your back.

Q: What's the worst thing about aids?
A: Leaving your friends behind!

Q: What do you call an African stimulant?
A: A pygmy-up.

Q: What do you get when a lawn mower runs over a canary?
A: Shredded tweet.

Q: What name was given to E.T.s pregnant sister?
A: E.Z.

Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: Did you hear about the wild dog problem?
A: A scientist has come up with a solution to this problem - its called spot remover.

Q: What would it take to bring the beatles back together?
A: 3 more bullets...

Q: why can't Elway use the phone anymore?
A: cause he can't find the receiver.

Q: Why does Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: cause he's lost all 3 of his bowls.

Q: Did you hear about the new nursery rhymes for African-Americans?
A: It's called Motherfucker Goose.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.

Q: What's green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

Q: Do you know what mothballs smell like?
R:  Really, how do you get their little legs apart.

Q: What's stiff and excites women?
A: Elvis Presley

Q: What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles?
A: Yoko Ono

Q: What was John Lennon's last hit?
A: The New York sidewalk

Q: What's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An Polish Electrician\"
Q: What's red and wrinkly and hangs out your pants?
A: Your Grandmother

Q: Did you hear the irish seascout?
A: His tent sank.

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q; Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men?
A: It repeats the same centerfold month after month after month.

Q: What do you do with *365* used rubbers?
A: Make them into a tire and call them a Goodyear.

Q: What do you call an Irish homosexual?
A: Gay-lick.

Q: What do you call a Chinese homosexual?
A: Chew-man-chew.

Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
A: He-blew.

Q: If you're an Russian when you go into the bathroom  and American when you come out,
   what are you while you're in the bathroom?
A: European.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob Barker

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Add root beer and ice cream.

Q: How many 'colored persons' does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, it's a feminists job!

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: with two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

Q: How can you tell if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

Q: Why do wrap a hamster in electrician's tape?
A: So it won't explode when you fuck it.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: You take your foot off its head and let it rise to the surface.

Q: What's 6.9?
A: a 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
A: A Christian Science Monitor.

Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: An utter failure.

Q: What is the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?
A: An Australian kiss is way down under!

Q: Why do women have 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What' an Innuendo?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: Why doesn't a woman's guts fall out through her twat when she stands up?
A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: Why did the Japanese leper commit hara-kiri (suicide)?
A: Because he lost face.

Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because sheep can't type!

Q: What do you call a fig newton made on the other side of the world?
A: A far fig newton.

Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So ugly women can get laid too\"
Q: How are Lobster, Crab, and A Chinese guy who's been run over by a steam roller,
   related?
A: The answer is all three are crust-aceans (get it? "crushed asians?")

Q: What do you call a gay indian ?
A: A brave sucker !

Q: What do lepers serve at tea?
A: Finger sandwiches....

Q: What did the leper say after he threw a tantrum?
A: "Sorry folks, I lost my head...."

Q: What is a favorite leper party song?
A: "You put your left foot in, you put your right foot in.."

Q: What do good Samaritan lepers say?
A: "Do you need a hand with that?"

Q: What's the difference between having sex with a JAP and a bowl of Jello?
A: The Jello wiggles

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jello?
A: Jello moves when you eat it.

Q: Why were the gay soldiers sent first to Iraq?
A: Because they had their shit packed already!!

Q: How do you tell if your roommate's a homo?
A: His dick tastes like shit.

Q: What do you think Groucho would be doing today if he were alive?
A: Trying to get the hell out of that coffin.... Brrraaaa haaaaa haaa haa


Confucious say; woman who fly upside down have crack up.


Q: Where do the Knights of the Round Table go to have sex?
A: COME-alot

Q: How is the United States Post Office like Kennys Shoe Company???
A: They both have 10,000 black loafers!!!!

Q: What do you get when you go into the seminary?
A: PASTORized

Q: What's brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss shit

Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.

Q: Why are Mexican steering wheels so small?
A: Handcuffs only stretch so far.

Q: How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
A: 3. A Left Ear, a Right Ear, and a Final Front Ear!

Q: What's a definition of an orgy?
A: A party where everyone comes.

Q: Why was the girl wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: What did one lesbian say to the other?
A: Your face or mine?

Q: Who is the oldest living Kamikaze pilot?
A: Chicken Teriyaki.

Q: Did you here the one about the Pollack who stapled his balls together?
A: He heard that if you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

Q: Why do secretaries take 1/2 hour lunch\"


"never argue with your wife.. just dicker"


Q: What did one casket say to the other?
A: Is that you coughin'?

Q: What do Appalachians do for Halloween?
A: Pumpkin (pump kin)

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full!!!!

Q: Did you hear about the man who had five penises???
A: His pants fit him like a glove!!!!

Q: What's 5 miles long and goes 2 miles an hour????
A: A Mexican funeral procession with only one pair of jumper cables!!!!

Q: Did you here about the Greek boy who ran away from home?
A1: He didn't like the way his father was rearing him.
A2: Yeah, but he came back.  He couldn't bear to leave his brothers behind.

Q: Why'd the little boy cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
A: It's asshole.

Q: What's the second to last thing to go through that bug's mind?
A: Oh, shit.

Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So they wouldn't leave slime trails...

Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant???
A: Her feet!!!!

Q: Why are the Vikings like a Tampon?
A1: Because after one period they are no longer any useful.
A2: Because they don't have second string!

Q: Did ya hear that Linda Lovelace has replaced the current Vikings Coach.
A: They figure she might  blow a few, but she won't choke on the big one.

Q: what is the most expensive liquid known?
A: lawyer`s ink.

Q: How is a good woman like a piano???
A: When she's not UPRIGHT, she's GRAND!!!!

Q: Why couldn't the two elephants both go swimming?
A: They only had one pair of trunks!

Q: Why do farmers fuck at the edge of a cliff?
A: The sheep tend to push back harder that way!

Q: How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose??
A: When she farts, her knees bag!!!!!

Q: What is the toughest thing to do after eating a bald pussy????
A: Putting the diaper back on !!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What's the hardest part about getting your sex changed from male to female?
A: How about sucking getting half of your brains sucked out?

Q: What's the hardest part about getting your sex changed from female to male?
A: Inserting the brain into the penis.

Q: What's green and skates?
A: Peggy Phlegm.

Q: What's green and goes: Doobee, doobee, doo?
A: Frank Snotra

Q: What is Bach doing now?
A: De-composing.

Q: What sits on a piano bench and stinks?
A: Beethoven's Last Movement.\"
Q: What's 14 inches long and hangs from an asshole?
A: A lawyer's necktie.

Q: How did Helen Keller's fingers turn purple?
A: She heard it through the grapevine.

Q: What does a JAP make for dinner?
A: Reservations

Q: Why did the muffler go to bed?
A: Because it was exhausted.

Q: Why didn't the motorcycle wake up?
A: Because it was too (2) tired.

Q: What's pink and goes up and down in a cot ?
A: A child molesters bum.

Q: What goes 'now you see me, now you don't, etc etc' ?
A: Black man crossing a pedestrian crossing.

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
A: Throw it on the floor and Tampon it.

Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?
A: So they can take a bubble bath at night.

Secretary: "May I use your Dictaphone?"
Boss: "Use your finger like everyone else."

Q: Did you hear about the retarded Arab terrorists?
A: They attacked the Special Olympics.

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis...

Q: What animal has an asshole half-way up its back?
A: A police horse.

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A Carrot!!
Q: What do the Saudis have in their underpants?
A: SCUD marks.

Q: Did you know that the word "gullible" has been removed from
   the Oxford English Dictionary?

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So after you fuck'em they can leave.

Q: Why did the football player with an athletics scholarship cross the road?
A: He got an A for it.

Q: Why do Pollacks think Porches are police cars?
A: Because they have 911 on the side.

Q: Why did God give man more brains than a dog?
A: So they wouldn't hump ladies legs at cocktail parties!

Q: What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
A: (theatrical pause.....) Douglas!

Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.

Q: What do you get if you cross a telephone pole and a rooster?
A: A 25 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone..

Q: Why does a bride smile while see walks down the aisle?
A: Because she knows she's given her last blow job!

Q: How do you confuse a black man?
A: Go up to him and tell him your his boss.

Q: How do you double the value of a YUGO?\"

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes women below the waist?
A: Marriage

Q: What do steroids and the Klu Klux Klan have in common?
A: The both make black men run faster!!!

Q: What is the heaviest thing on earth?
A: Shit. Even Hercules dropped it!!

Q: What is the strongest thing on earth?
A: Ex-Lax. It knocks the shit out of Superman!!

Q: What's the difference between the American and Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: The American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

Q: Who is going to put last three bullets into Saddam Hussein's head?
A: 5000 Iraqi sharpshooters.

Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Apologize and wipe it up.

Q: What do you get if 10 elephants come over a hill?
A: Close your mouth and swim through it.

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled feet?
A: To give the ants a 50-50 chance.

Q: Why do rhinoceroses have flat feet?
A: Because they are evil bastards.

Q: why do ducks have big feet?
A: to put out forest fires

Q: why do elephants have big feet
A: to put out flaming ducks.

Q: What is the definition of a vagina?
A: A box that a penis comes in.

Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
A1: Because she's a girl.
A2: Because she's dead.

Q: What is the difference between a Hoover Vacuum and an Iraqi tank ?
A: The Vacuum only has one dirt bag !

Q: What do you call an Iraqi with a camel under one arm and a lama under the other?
A: Bi-sexual.

Q: What does the N on the Nebraska Cornhuskers helmets stand for?
A: Knowledge

Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after combing her hair?
A: She pulls up her pants!

Q: What's the difference between a butt-kisser and a brown-noser?
A: DEPTH PERCEPTION!

Q: How do you know if the Easter Bunny is gay?
A: If he shows up to your house with packed fudge.

Q: How can you tell if the Easter Bunny has been sleeping with your wife?
A: You find a strange hare in your bed.

Q: How can you tell if a house was built by lesbian carpenters?
A: They use tongue&groove instead of studs.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs ?
A: Because he doesn't want you to know he's been screwing the chickens.

Q: What is the favorite political event in Japan?
A: Erection Day!

Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: Very few of them know how to dance!

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: They don't know the words.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill?\"

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a hooker?
A: She'll do it for peanuts but she'll never forget you

Q: How would stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle?
A: Just tie a knot on its tail!!

Q: Why do all the marching elephants suddenly raise their right leg ?
A: Just for kicks!!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the bed??
A: It hasn't been made as yet.

Q: What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?
A: Run around and around until you get pooped out!

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What's 10 feet wide and can't walk through doors?
A: A baby with a spear through its head.

Q: Why does the Pope wear shorts in the shower?
A: He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.

Q: Why did the gay chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep!!!!

Q: What's an elephant's greatest fear?????
A: Toxic sheep syndrome

Q: How come the US army wanted to draft Bernie Kosar?
A: So he could overthrow Saddam Hussein.

Q: How do you make a distinguished Italian wine?
A: Sideswipe his Ferarri....

Q: What do you call oral sex between two yuppies?
A: sixty-something.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off yer shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines?
A: Northwest has more kills.

Q: What was Hellen Kellers dogs name?
A: rghmphtrmph

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take him for a drag.

(Make a fist with middle finger sticking out, pointing down.)
Q: Can you hear this?  (Response:  No.)
A: Then I'll turn it up for you (invert your hand to flip them "the bird").

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican fireman?
A: He named his kids Jose and Hose B.

Q: Did you know that Saddam has a new line of condoms out?
A: They're for dicks that just won't pull out!

Q: How does a Polish mother teach her kids how to put on their underwear?
A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

Q: What do a bleached blond and a Boeing 747 have in common??
A: They both have black boxes.

Q: What do panty hose and Sadam Husseim and have in common?
A: They both irritate bush!

Q: Have you heard Milli Vanilli's new song?
A: Neither have they.

Q: What do a burn victim and Major Houlahan of MASH have in common?
A: They each have major burns on their faces.\"
Q: Why do blacks eat tootsie rolls with forks?
A: Because they don't want to bite their fingers.
Q: Did you hear about the short gay guy that walked into a bar?
A: He kissed everyone in the joint ?

Q: How does Helen Keller drive?
A: With one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.

Q: Why are Camels called the ships of the dessert?
A: They're filled with Iraqi seamen...


Did you  hear  about the  cannibal  who  passed his  neighbor in the woods?

Nixon saw "Deep Throat" ten times, but he still never got it down Pat.


PATIENT:  Doc, all my friends think I'm crazy.
SHRINK:   Why don't you kill them?!


Knock...Knock
.Who's there?
Emerson
.Emerson who?
EM-ER-SON nice tits!!



.   The Best (Or Possibly The Worst) Of net.jokes ....


Q: Did you hear about the Len Bias Memorial Basketball League?
A: It's for guys six feet and under.

Q: What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.

Q: What do you call the caped crusader and his sidekick after they got
   run over by a steamroller?
A: Flatman and Ribbon.

Q: Did you hear that the Dutch government gave Reagan 12 rare
   Rembrandt etchings?
A: He's already got four of them colored in.

Q: Where do all the "real men" eat in San Francisco?
A: Oakland.

Q: What do get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
A: A cock that melts in your mouth and not in your hands.

Q: What's green and red and goes 100 mph?
A: A frog in a blender.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter because he won't come anyway.

Q: How does a girl hold her liquor?
A: By the ears!

Q: What is the definition of indecent?
A: In far enough, in deep enough and in long enough.

Q: Why do gays have such high insurance?
A: They keep getting rear ended.

Q: What's brown and sits on a stool?
A: Beethoven's last movement.

Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their pecker is on their face.

Q: How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

Q: How is a woman like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
A: Patrick Fitsgerald and Gerald Fitspatrick.

Q: Why do elephants have 4 feet?
A: Because 4 inches isn't enough.

Q: What do soybeans and dildos have in common?
A: Both are meat substitutes.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a cock?
A: If you beat the dog it won't come.

Q: What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Q: How do you identify a head nurse?
A: Look for dirty knees.

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hoping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: Why can't ghosts have babies?
A: Because they have holloweenies.

Q: What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
A: Sends him to work.

Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A: Lawn Boy.

Q: What do you give an 88 year old women for her birthday?
A: Mikey. He'll eat anything.

Q: What do you call a monkey in a blender?
A: Rhesus pieces.

My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba.
I guess that makes me an Ice Cube.

Q: Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?
A: You put in in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A-flat miner.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield?
A: A-flat Major.

Q: How do you sink an <ethnic> submarine?
A: Dive down and knock on the door.

Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls in a lettuce patch?
A: Seizure Salad.

Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: What's the square root of *69*??
A: Ate something.

Q: Did you here about the new class Intercourse 101 at State University?
A: You take it between periods and all you have to do is come.

Q: What do you call children born to prostitutes?
A: Brothel sprouts.

Q: What do any of the Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: What would you call a horny Eskimo dwarf?
A: A frigid midget with a rigid digit.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What goes siss boom bah?
A: An exploding sheep.

Q: What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah"?
A: About three inches.

Q: What's yellow, 6 inches long, and goes up and down?
A: A banana in an elevator.

Q: Why did smokey the bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Q: Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

Q: You know why American beer is like making love in a canoe?
A: Because it's f*cking close to water.

Q: What do breasts and toy trains have in common ?
A: They're made for children but the father always ends up playing with them.

Q: What's big and green, lives in a swamp, and has an IQ of 140?
A: A platoon of marines.

Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
A: Kids will eat snot.

Q: Why did (neighboring hated state) raise the drinking age to 31?
A: To keep the high schoolers out of the bars.

Q: What's the difference between a physicist and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

Q: What do you call a queer Indian?
A: A brave sucker.

Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub?
A: Throw in some soap and a load of laundry.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's yellow and always points north?
A: A magnetic banana.

Q: What's the difference between a bear and an ant?
A: About 2,000 pounds.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What should you do if you pass an elephant?
A: Flush it down and hope it doesn't clog the pipes!

Q: What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the Giraffe.

Q: Do you know how to circumsize a whale?
A: Well first you have to send down four skin divers ...

Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
A: Give her a couple test-tickles.

Q: Why did the orange lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!

A very skinny young man took a trip to Alaska.  In only two short months he
became a real husky fucker.

Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A: A rooster clucks defiant.

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: What you get when you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in
   your other hand?
A: Kermit the frog's complete undivided attention.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: What kind of fish has two knees?
A: A two-knee (tu-nee) fish.

Q: If you were a mushroom, why would people always be inviting you to parties?
A: Because you'd be a real fun gi.

Q: What do you call a Texas man with a sheep under his arm?
A  Newlywed.

Q: What do you call a Texas man with two sheep under his arms??
A1: A bigamist.
A2: A pimp.

Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?
A: A flame thrower.

A proctologist is about to examine a patient.
Proctologist: "Nurse, bring me a light."
The nurse comes back and hands him a beer.
Proctologist: "No, no, no.  A Butt Light."

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle?
A: Run over.

Q: You know why Arabs don't get circumsized ???
A: Because they have to have somewhere to put their gum in a sandstorm...

Q: What do you get if you cross a cock with a potato?
A: A dictater.

Q: What has 300 legs and seven teeth ?
A: The front row at Wille Nelson show.

Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a woman jogger?
A: A sewing machine has one bobbin, and a woman jogger has two bobbin'.

Q: What do you call a Nun that is sleep walking?
A: A Roam'n Catholic.

Q: What do you call a period?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q: How fast can a woman go?
A: 68; when she does 69 she blows a rod.

Q: What's the speed limit on sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to stop and turn around.

Q: How is Sex like Air?
A: Neither one is a big deal unless you are not getting any.

Q: Whats the diffrence between a hobo and a homo
A: A hobo has no friends but a homo has friends up the ass.

Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull
   humping your leg?
A: You let the pit bull finish.
