  [1]
  This girl in the middle teens has a lisping problem so she visits a doctor.
  
  Beginning the examination, the doctor puts on his stethoscope and says,
  "Big breath."
  
  She replies, "Yeth, and I am not even thikteen."
  ==
  
  [2]
  A Senator dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.  There is a long line there
  so the Senator goes to the head  of  the  line  and  says, "I'm  Senator
  Blamsphey."   Saint Peter looks at him and says, "You'll have to wait in
  line like anybody else."  Shortly thereafter, a lawyer shows up and goes
  to  the  head  of  the  line.  Saint Peter sends him back, too.  Then, a
  former Prime Minister dies and the same thing happens.
  
  A little while later, this doctor comes strolling by, goes to  the  head
  of  the  line, and Saint Peter lets him into Heaven.  Well, the Senator,
  lawyer, and ex-Prime Minister are quite upset, so they go to Saint Peter
  and  ask  him  why  they  let a doctor through but they wouldn't talk to
  them.   Saint Peter says, "Oh.  That was no doctor.   That  was  God; he
  just likes playing doctor."
  ==
  
  [3]
  Doctor:  I have some bad news and some very bad news.
  Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
  Doctor:  The lab called with your test results. They said you have
           24 hours to live.
  Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!!  WHAT could be WORSE?
           What's the very bad news?
  Doctor:  I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
  ==
  
  [4]
  Patient: I'm in a hospital!  Why am I in here?
  Doctor:  You've had an accident involving a train.
  Patient: What happened?
  Doctor:  Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would
           you like to hear first?
  Doctor:  Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both
           of them.
  Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
  Doctor:  There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on
           your slippers.
  ==
  
  [5]
  Doctor:  I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I
           tell first?
  Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
  Doctor:  All Right.  Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped,
           your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you
           have AIDS."
  Patient: Good grief!  What's the good news?
  Doctor:  The good news is that there is no more bad news.
  ==
  
  [6]
  Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
  Nurse:  What is it?
  Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
          important now!
  ==
  
  [7]
  Doctor:  Does it hurt when you do this?
  Patient: Yes.
  Doctor:  Well, don't do that.
  ==
  
  [8]
  Doctor:  Have you ever had this before?
  Patient: Yes.
  Doctor:  Well, you've got it again.
  ==
  
  [9]
  An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit
  the local whore house.  A little while later he starts to feel sick.
  He goes to see a doctor of internal medicine.
  
  The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I don't know how to tell
  you this, but you've got a bad case of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and about
  12 other things I can't spell.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you
  this medicine.  It'll make you get better but it'll also cause your dick
  to shrivel up and disappear.  It's going to cost you $1000."
  
  This doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon.
  The surgeon examines him and says "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of
  Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot.  Afraid I'm going to
  have to cut your dick off and charge you $2000."
  
  By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic
  medicine.  The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same
  conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V.D.  However, his
  approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense,
  trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty
  of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air.  Wait about two weeks and
  your dick will fall off all by itself."
  ==
  
  [10]
  A woman goes to a doctor with a problem.
  
  She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very
  hesitant about describing her problem.  Eventually the doctor 
  manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually
  perverted.
  
  "What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
  
  "Well," said the woman, "I like to be ... ohh ... ah ... ummm ...
  I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."
  
  "Come, come, my dear.  I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained
  to understand these problems.  So what's the matter ...?"
  
  So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that
  she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint.
  
  It was then the doctor had a bright idea.  "Look," he said, "I'm
  a bit of a pervert myself.  So if you show me what your perversion
  is, I'll show you what mine is.  Ok?  Is it a deal?"
  
  The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed
  that it was a fair request.  So after a slight pause she said:
  "Well my perversion is ... my perversion ... oh ... I like to 
  be kissed on the bottom!"
  
  "Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor.  "Look, go behind that screen,
  take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY
  perversion is!  Hee Hee!"
  
  So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen.
  She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he
  might kiss me on the bum."
  
  Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened.  So the woman peers
  around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk,
  his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.
  
  "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"
  
  "Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."
  ==
  
  [11]
  The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are
  the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
  But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
  
  "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
  "Can I see that prescription I just gave you?  I'd like to make a little
  change..."
  ==
  
  [12]
  A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
  
  Man:    Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem.  I just can't (FFFART!!)
          stop farting.
  
  Doctor: That is an unusual complaint.  Take off your clothes and lay, stomach
          down, on the couch.
  
  The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man
  farting all the time.
  
  Doctor: Ah ha!  This should be easy to cure.  Excuse me for a moment.
  
  The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp
  spike at one end.
  
  Man:    (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with
          (FFFARTT!!) that ?!
  
  Doctor: I need to open a window.
  ==
  
  [13]
  There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.  The first one
  says "My son is very successful.  He is the best lawyer in New York City."
  The second one says "My son has done better than that.  He is the best
  Doctor in New York City."  The third one says "My son has not done that well.
  He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual.  But he has these two
  great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other
  is the best doctor in the city."
  ==
  
  [14]
  "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
  farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
  
  "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
  
  "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
  morning."
  
  "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started
  working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
  farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
  there was anything I wanted.
  
  I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked.
  "I'm sure, I said.
  
  "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to
  know. "I reckon not" I replied  ...
  
  "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to
  do with your leg?"
  
  "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
  on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
  ==
  
  [15]
  There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr
  Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says
  to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot  says
  "You're  not so slim yourself!".  So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who
  is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and
  they'd  only  got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses
  the road in front of a car and gets bowled.  Mr Carrot sees that  he's
  in  a  pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage,
  the ambulance driver.  Mr Cabbage duly arrives  and  piles  Mr  Turtle
  into  the  Ambulance and rushes to hospital.  Mr Turtle follows and as
  soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks  the  nurse  at  Accident  and
  Emergency,  Miss  Cauliflower,  whether  he  will  be  alright.  "Miss
  Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies
  "Well,  i  couldn't  really  say,  you'll have to ask Dr Bean".  So he
  rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor  Bean,  will
  Mr  Turtle  be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to
  say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor  Pea",  so  of  course,  Mr
  Carrot  rushes  over  to  Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea,
  will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I  can
  for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot
  waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until  they  have  finished  the
  operation,  and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor
  Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip  turns  to  him  and
  says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the
  rest of his life..."
  ==
  
  [16]
  One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business
  is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  As he moans to some of the
  regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders
  over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
  I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate
  some of the more sane individuals into the community.  Why don't I bring some
  of my patients along, say next Tuesday.  You'll have some customers and my
  patients will have a night out."
  
  Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a
  quiet night appeals, so he agrees.  So, the following Tuesday the guy in the
  tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.  He says to the
  publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up
  at closing time."
  
  The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the
  loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting
  drunk but they behave themselves.  At closing time the publican adds up the
  bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds!  The guy with the glasses
  and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back
  to the asylum.  Finally he comes over and asks for the bill.  The publican,
  feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his
  bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty
  quid," he says.
  
  The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got
  change for a dustbin lid?"
  ==
  
  [17]
  A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients
  behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his
  bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not
  unlike a Kenworth...VRROOOOM,VRRROOOOMM,....SCREEEECH.......
  
  "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
  
  "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.
  
  Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the
  next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath
  the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down
  into the mattress.
  
  "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
  
  "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona I'm f*****g his wife."
  ==
  
  [18a]
  A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long.
  What should I do?"
  
  "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.  "Let's see, do
  you smoke?"
  
  "Oh.. half a pack a day."
  
  "Starting NOW, no more smoking."
  
  The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
  
  "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer
  or two every once in a while."
  
  "Starting now, you drink only water.  No exceptions."
  
  The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
  
  "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
  
  "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat
  only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
  
  The man is now really worried.  "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
  
  "Do you want to live long?"
  
  "Yes."
  
  "Absolutely necessary.  And don't even think of breaking the diet."
  
  The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
  
  "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
  
  "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more
  sex for you. None."
  
  The man is appalled.
  
  "Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
  
  "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem
  like an eternity!"
  
  *OR*
  
  [18b]
  A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live.
  "6 months!!" he exclaimed.  "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?"
  His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana."
  "Why?" the guy asked.
  "Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!"
  ==
  
  [19]
  An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.  When the doctor asked why
  she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
  
  Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
  Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old.  What possible use could you have for
  birth control pills?"  
  
  The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
  
  The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
  control pills help you to sleep?"
  
  The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep
  better at night."
  ==
  
  [20]
  One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
  wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns 
  over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
  tomorrow."

  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls 
  back over and taps his wife again.  This time he wispers in her ear,
  "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?".
  ==
  
  [21]
  A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
  
  Man:   "What are you doing here today?"
  
  Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood.  They're going to give me
         $5 for it."
  
  Man:   "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
         But they pay me $25."
  
  The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
  before going their separate ways.
  
  Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
  donation center.
  
  Man:   "Oh, hi there!  Here to donate blood again?"
  
  Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
  ==
  
  [22]
  A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
  The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
  how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
  
  "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind
  of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
  
  The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
  and handed it to her and said, "There you are.  Of course, if *that*
  doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
  ==
  
  [23]
  While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the
  man's balls.  To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to
  replace the missing ball with an onion.  
  
  Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
  
  "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
  
  "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief.  But then he
  added, "I've had some strange side effects."
  
  "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.
  
  "Well, every time I piss my eyes water.  When my wife gives me a 
  blow job she gets heartburn.  And every time I pass a hamburger
  stand I get a hard-on".
  ==
  
  [24]
  In my hometown a well known rich businessman's wife broke her
  hip.  The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the
  operation.  The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip
  and putting in a screw to secure it.
  
  The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a
  fee for his services of $5000.  The businessman was outraged at
  the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list
  of the costs.  The doctor sent back a list with two things:
  
      1 screw                   $   1
      knowing how to put it in  $4999
                                -----
                                $5000
  
  The businessman never argued.
  ==
  
  [25]
  A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
  This is her first pregnancy.  The doctor asks her if she has
  any questions.  She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about
  the pain.  How much will childbirth hurt?"
  
  The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
  pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
  "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
  "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
  "Like this?"
  "A little more..."
  "Like this?"
  "No.  A little more...
  "Like this?"
  "Yes.  Does that hurt?"
  "A little bit."
  "Now stretch it over your head!"
  ==
  
  [26]
  Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.  As he leans over to
  begin working on her, she grabs his balls.  The dentist says, "Madam,
  I believe you've got a hold of my privates."  The woman replies,
  "Yes.  We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
  ==
  
  [27]
  A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.
  As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet,
  and then leaves.  This happens a second time.  The third time this
  happens she say "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"  The man
  replied, "Don't ask me lady.  I'm just a painter!"
  ==
  
  [28]
  "Doctor, don't cut so deep.  That's the third operating table
  you've ruined this month!"
  ==
  
  [29]
  An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man.  After about 6
  months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went
  to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations
  Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
  
  "Get serious Doctor, I'm 80."
  
  "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it
  was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
  
  "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.
  She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
  telephones were.  In a rage, she dialed her husband.
  
  "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.  She screamed,
  "You rotten son of a bitch.  You got me pregnant!"
  
  There was a pause on the line.  Finally her husband answered
  "Who's calling please?"
  ==
  
  [30]
  There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles 
  around.  He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet
  and asked him to look after things while he was gone.  The vet
  asked, "Is anything happening?"
  
  The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due but I don't think the baby
  will come before I get back.  Anyway, if it does, just deliver it.
  This is her third and the first two went really easily."
  
  The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.  When
  he returned, he called the vet.  "How did things go while I was
  gone?"
  "Pretty good."
  "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
  "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy.  Everyone's doing fine."
  "Did you have any trouble?"
  "Well, there was just one little problem."
  "What was that?"
  "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
  ==
  
  [31]
  In recent discussions on today's serious diseases, one of the most serious
  has been neglected: anneurisms. Although it is more properly categorized
  as an event (like a heart attack) than a disease, there are many variations
  which many people not be aware of:
  
        * People at sporting events frequently suffer from Fanneurisms.
        * Baseball fans in particular have Stan-the-manneurisms.
        * People from Southern California have Tanneurisms while
        * people from New Jersey have Rosanne-rosannadanneurisms.
        * Buddhist monks often have Yin-Yanneurisms and
        * overweight people suffer from Fat-in-the-canneurisms.
        * On the highway, people get Vanneurisms but
        * truckers uniquely suffer from Carrivanneurisms.
        * Japanese movie fans have Rodanneurisms.
        * Much of the middle class suffer from Suburbanneurisms.
        * Woman most often have Manneurisms while
        * men usually have Womanneurisms.
  ==
  
  [32]
  One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and
  see a doctor.  When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he
  could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine
  sample.  John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John
  complied.  15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
  
  "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.
  
  "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
  
  "No.  It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that
  he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical
  condition with total accuracy.  John didn't believe a word of this but
  he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
  
  Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and
  his teenage daughter.  He was telling them about this ridiculous machine.
  When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor.  John pissed in
  the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter.  Then while walking to
  his garage he had a brainstorm.  John put a few drops of oil from his 
  crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in
  the jar.  He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it
  to the nurse.  This time his urinalysis took half an hour.  Finally, John
  was ushered in to see the doctor.
  
  The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass.
  Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to 
  through a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is
  never gonna heal!"
  ==
  
  [33]
  Q: How many pre-meds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three.  One to hold the light bulb, and two to pull out the chair
     from under him!
  A: None:  premeds don't screw, they study.
  ==
  
  [34]
  "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
  "And did he?"
  "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
  ==
  
  [35]
  A notorious hypochondriac who had established himself as the like and soul
  of most dinner parties with outlandish descriptions of various ailments,
  sat through one evening scarcely saying a word.
  
  "What's the matter?" asked the hostess, "Don't tell me it's so awful you
  can't even talk about it."
  
  "It's not that," replied the guest.  "It's just that I went to a new
  doctor this morning and he cured all my topics of conversation."
  ==
  
  [36]
  A Cold is both positive and negative; sometimes the eyes have it,
  sometimes the nose.
  ==
  
  [37]
  A patient suffering from insomnia was told by her doctor to be sure
  that she never went to bed on an empty stomach, but always had something to 
  eat first.
  
  "But, once you told me never to eat before going to bed," replied the
  puzzled patient."
  
  "That was last year," her doctor reassured her, "Medicine has made
  enormous advances since then."
  ==
  
  [38]
  A recently graduated GP prescribed some suppositories for one of his less
  erudite patients, telling him to insert one in his rectum each morning
  and evening and to come back a week later.  At the next consultation, it was
  obvious that the man had not followed the doctor's instructions.  "Have you
  been doing what I told you?" asked the doctor.
  "'Course I have."
  "Inserting them into your rectum?"
  "Yes"
  "Are you sure?"
  "Yes ... what do you expect me to do, stick them up me bloody ass."
  == 
  
  [39]
  "What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
  in her compartment.
  
  "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.
  
  "Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
  ==
  
  [40]
  The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him
  what brought him to the hospital.  The man replied, "An ambulance."
  ==
  
  
  [41]
  You've heard the definition of a drug: any substance which, when 
  injected into a laboratory animal, produces a publication.
  ==
  
  [42]
  Not long ago, a teaching hospital installed a computer to interview
  patients visiting its Gynecology department.  Apparently several of the
  programmers were not familiar with Medicine.  One of the questions it asked
  was, "Are you having your monthly period now?"  If the answer was 'yes', the
  computer would sent the woman away and make a new appointment -- in four 
  weeks time.  (Think about that one for a minute.)
  ==
  
  [43]
  It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs:
     Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
  ==
  
  [44]
  It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of
  the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds
  by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
  to fetch him a sample of Urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
  mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
  the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which 
  means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of
  a diabetic ... " By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which
  the registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw
  colored  fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar
  then startled us.

  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the
  tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed  his lips
  rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was
  passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid, 
  all of us foolishly licked that finger.
  
  "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle
  of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.  We stood
  near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous
  patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing
  triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my
  INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
  ==
  
  [45]
  Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk.  He'd been
  transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival.  Founded in
  Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
  place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
  surgeon and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew.  Yet,
  MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment
  District.  For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." 
  
  It was rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was
  curious.  "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you
  told them, after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here.  Why?"
  
  "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
  
  "Was it the doctors there?  The doctors you didn't like?"
  
  "The doctus?  Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
  
  "The test or the room?"
  
  "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
  
  "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats.  But Bernard shook his head no.
  
  Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did
  this great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God,
  all you tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? 
  Why, Bernie, why?"
  
  "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
  ==
  
  [46]
  Laws of the House of God
  
  I                 GOMERS(*) DON'T DIE.
  II                GOMERS GO TO GROUND.
  III               AT A CARDIAC ARREST, THE FIRST
             PROCEDURE IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN PULSE.
  IV                   THE PATIENT IS THE ONE 
                       WITH THE DISEASE.
  V                     PLACEMENT COMES FIRST.
  VI             THERE IS NO BODY CAVITY THAT 
                 CANNOT BE REACHED WITH A #14
                 NEEDLE AND A GOOD STRONG ARM.
  VII                    AGE + BUN = LASIX DOSE.
  VIII               THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE.
  IX                  THE ONLY GOOD ADMISSION 
                    IS A DEAD ADMISSION.
  X          IF YOU DON'T TAKE A TEMPERATURE,
                    YOU CAN'T FIND A FEVER.
  XI       SHOW ME A BMS(**) WHO ONLY TRIPLES
             MY WORK AND I WILL KISS HIS FEET.
  XII                 IF THE RADIOLOGY RESIDENT 
                    AND THE BMS BOTH SEE A 
                LESION ON THE CHEST X-RAY,
                 THERE CAN BE NO LESION THERE.
  XIII             THE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL CARE IS
            TO DO AS MUCH NOTHING AS POSSIBLE.
  
  (*) Acronym for 'Get Out of My Emergency Room' - you'll have to read the
     book for the true effect.
  (**) BMS: a third year medical student on his ward clerkship, particularly
     on from 'Best Medical School'.
  ==
  
  [47]
  In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells
  of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything.  Well it seems
  one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three
  complaints.  "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth,
  and I can't remember nothin' besides."
  
  Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the
  apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them
  both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.
  
  Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then 
  yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it."
  
  "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're
  certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory
  is acting up, just take the other pill."
  
  And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way,
  and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.
  ==
  
  [48]
  There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
  differentiated by the following method:
    -General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
    -Surgeons know little and do everything.
    -Internists knows everything and do nothing.
    -Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's
     usually too late.
  ==
  
  [49]
  Everywhere this lady went nobody wanted to talk to her,  no one ever asked 
  her to go out.  Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this 
  would happen.  So she went to her  doctor and  told him what was going on. 
  She thought that maybe  there was a problem with her.  The doctor told her 
  he would  give her a complete exam.  He told her to  undress and get up on 
  the table,  so she did.  He told her to open  her mouth and he checked it. 
  Then he asked her to get down  from the table and bend over.  He then said 
  to the lady, "Know what your problem is,  you have zactly."  The lady then 
  asked, "What is zactly?"  The doctor said,  "Lady your mouth smells zactly 
  like your ass."
  ==
  
  [50]
  After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile,
  the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.  When the
  woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist
  down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. 
  
  She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor
  came in.  Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down
  his pants!
  
  "Wait a minut!  What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
  herself into a sitting position.
  
  "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
  
  "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
  
  "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out
  of the bottled stuff.  You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
  ==
  
  [51]
  This lady has delivered a baby but unfortunately her husband was out on a
  business tour. When he returned, he rushed to the hospital to see the baby.
  The nurse led him to a room where a couple of babies were lying on a bed.
  One of them was chubby while the other was skinny.
  
  He asks the nurse pointing to the skinny one, "Is that my baby??"
  
  The nurse replies, "No, no, the other one's yours.  And you know this one
  is a product of artificial insemination.
  
  "Just as I had heard, spare the rod and spoil the child!!"
  ==
  
  [52]
  This German guy wants to marry this Polish lady, but Poland has a law that
  you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other
  words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed.
  
  So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just GOT to marry this woman,
  I love her so much..."
  
  So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room
  they go...
  
  Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We
  are VERRRRRYYYY sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead
  of 50%."
  
  The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"
  ==
  
  [53]
  "You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor turned you over and thought
  he had twins."
  
  "You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor spanked your mom."
  ==
  
  [54]
  Did you hear?  Ray Charles was involved in a car accident last Friday.  
  Ray, in shock, was taken to the hospital.  Because of severe injuries, the
  left leg had to be amputated.
  
  Later on, when Ray regained consciousness, the doctor said "Ray, I have some
  good news and some bad news."
  
  "Doc, give me the bad news first."
  
  "We had to amputate your left leg," said the doctor.
  
  "Oh....What's the good news?" asked Ray.
  
  "YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE, BABY, UH HUH!"
  ==
  
  [55]
  Mary had a little lamb
  The doctors were astounded
  And everywhere that Mary went
  Gynecologists surrounded.
  
  When Mary had a little lamb,
  The doctors were surprised;
  When Old MacDonald had a farm,
  The doctors nearly died.
  
  [56]
  This guy decides to get a sex change.  So he goes to the doctors and has
  the thing done.  A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old
  buddies about it.  "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that
  silicon into your chest to make your breasts."  "Not really, I hardly felt
  it."  "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" 
  
  "Nope, I didn't really feel it either.  The only thing that really hurt
  was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."
  ==
  
  [57]
  Why do doctors spank new-borns?
  So the balls fall off the dumb ones!
  ==
  
  [58]
  A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to
  have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks
  the doctor:
  
  Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects
              the organ?
  
  Doctor:     Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been
         in business?
  
  Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does
         that have to do with anything?
  
  Doctor:     Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an
         organ yet!
  ==
  
  [59]
  Patient: "Doctor, there's a tulip growing from my ears."
  Doctor:  "That's the strangest thing I have ever heard."
  Patient: "Yes indeed, I've been planting radishes!"
  ==
  
  [60]
  This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
  I just can't stop having sex!"
  
  "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
  
  "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
  
  "That's not so much", says the doctor.
  
  "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE
  a day," replies the man.
  
  "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
  
  "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE
  a day," says the man.
  
  "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to
  take yourself in hand."
  
  "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
  ==
  
  [61]
  A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors 
  searching through the flower beds.  "Excuse me," he said, "have you
  lost something?"
  
  "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for
  an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
  ==
  
  [62]
  Comedian's monologue:
    Some of you women have been afraid to get breast augmentations.  There are
    problems with the surgery, the risk of infection, silicone slippage, etc.
    We have good news for you.  Physicians have just discovered a new process.
    They now have invented a safe operation which makes men's hands smaller.
  ==
  
  [63]
  From the Manchester Guardian Weekly, Oct. 6, 1991
  
  
  This dead parrot is difunto
  ---------------------------
  
  By John Hooper in Madrid
  
  A question left hanging by John Cleese-- what is the value of a dead parrot?--
  has finally been resolved by a Barcelona judge.  His honour Antonio Nunio
  de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pesetas ($815).
  
  He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male, 
  green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist, and, in short,
  became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital.  Ms. Dotras,
  who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12.
  
  Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy
  her mother had developed.  He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her
  it would be better done by a doctor than a vet.  This proved not to be the
  case.
  
  According to Ms. Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by 
  putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they
  were supposed to.  Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its
  misery.
  
  Ms. Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy.  In
  fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death.
  
  But as Judge Nunio de la Rosa observed in judgement-- passages of which might
  have come from a Monty Python script:  "The parrot has been deceased, and
  cannot be revived."  He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor
  responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird.  He dismissed 
  Ms. Dotra's claim for damages of one million pesetas ($5,435).  This had been
  based, in part, on th argument that her parrot could talk.
  
  Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar
  cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those
  of people."  "If the parrot had been able to talk," he reasoned, "it would
  have complained."
  ==
  
  [64]
  What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit?
  A Hare Cut.
  ==
  
  [65]
  This is a brief introduction to GAG, a new action group designed to help
  out those who are less fortunate than us.  Yes, you know who I am talking
  about.  Germs.  GAG (Germs Are Good), is a group for the protection of
  innocent germs.
  
  Have you ever thought about the thousands and thousands and thousands of
  Germs you are killing when you take unnecessary medicine?  No, I bet you
  haven't.  Well, now is the time to take notice.
  
  GAG will be forming a Political Action Committee (PAC), to lobby for the 
  banning of all antibiotics, sterilization equipment and the establishment
  of local neighborhood germ growing areas.
  
  Addresses and Membership Information will be posted in the next few days.
  
  Our Creedo...  Remember, when you take that medicine, GAG.
  
  The protection of Germs rights is of the upmost priority.  A civilization
  is judged not on it's technical prowess, but on how it treats it's germs.
  ==
  
  [66]
  A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that
  is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.
  They begin by visiting some of the patients.
  
  The first patient they visit is a young woman.  She is
  practicing ballet.
  
  One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"
  
  She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of
  here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive
  member of society."
  
  "Wow, that's wonderful."
  
  The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of
  books next to him.
  
  The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"
  
  "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc.  So I can
  enter medical school when I get out"
  
  Room after room they witnessed the incredible success
  and attitudes of the patients.  Until they finally
  reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to
  open.  Finally he was persuaded to open it.
  
  Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.
  
  The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you
  doing?"
  
  "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
  ==
  
  [67]
  Heard that Hollywood is making a movie about the dangers of casual sex?
     Its called "Germs of Endearment"
  ==
  
  [68a]
  An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
  their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
  
  The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed
  so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into
  six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy
  liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market.
  
  At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a
  lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need
  of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market.
  
  Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U.S., we
  took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people
  in the market for a job!"
  
  *OR*
  
  [68b]
  Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories.  The conversation
  turns to medical miracles:
  
  First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
  work in construction.  One day last year his hand got run over by a
  bulldozer.  Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
  he's a concert pianist.
  
  Second man: That's nothing.  I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
  ever knew.  He was really fat and out of shape.  He was trying to
  hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck.  Broke nearly every damn
  bone in his body.  Somehow they put him back together better than he
  was before.  Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
  the Olympics.
  
  Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid.  He couldn't do a
  whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
  him a job as a stockboy.  Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
  day and gets locked in.  It's dark and he can't find the door.  Not
  being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way.  The whole
  place exploded.  All they could find of him was his asshole and his
  eyebrows.  From that little bit they were able to put him back
  together and that kid became governor of Massachusetts.
  ==
  
  [69]
  There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he  went
  to  see the Doctor about it.  The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
  your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
  actually, I only  eat peas, i hate all other green foods".  The doctor
  was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
  those  peas  will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
  up!!".  The guy says "But how long for, i mean i  really  like  peas!"
  and  the  doctor  replies  "Forever,  i'm  afraid".   The man is quite
  shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough,  his  condition
  improves,  so he realises that he will never eat a pea again.  Anyway,
  one night, years later, he's at a  convention  for  his  employer  and
  getting  quite  sloshed  and  one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
  love a cigarette, cozi  avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
  Quite  a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
  game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first  marriage,  so  i
  gave  it  up!"  and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
  pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming  "Ok,  everyone  who
  can't swim, grab a table...."
  ==
  
  [70]
                Medical Terminology for the Layman
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Artery -- The study of fine paintings
  Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
  Caesarean Section -- A district in Rome
  Colic -- A sheep dog
  Coma -- A punctuation mark
  Congenital -- Friendly
  Dilate -- To live longer
  Fester -- Quicker
  G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
  Grippe -- A suitcase
  Hangnail -- A coat hook
  Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
  Minor Operation -- Coal digging
  Morbid -- A higher offer
  Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
  Node -- Was aware of
  Organic -- Musical
  Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
  Post-operative -- A letter carrier
  Protein -- In favor of young people
  Secretion -- Hiding anything
  Serology -- Study of English knighthood
  Tablet -- A small table
  Tumor -- An extra pair
  Urine -- Opposite of you're out
  Varicose veins -- veins that are close together
  ==
  
  [71]
          A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
   
  1.  DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
  Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
  valuable scientific objectivity.
   
  2.  BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
  Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
  gentleness and reassurance he can get.
   
  3.  TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
  Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
  uphold.
   
  4.  DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
  You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
  into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any
  mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
   
  5.  NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
  It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
  explained in terms that you would understand.
   
  6.  SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
  Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
  research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
   
  7.  PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
  You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
  to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
   
  8.  DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
  It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
  means.
   
  9.  NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT
      IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
  The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
  sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
   
  10.  NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
  This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
  ==
  
  [72]
  Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert.  Suddenly, a snake bites
  Jim's prick!  "AAIIIIIII!!"  He panics, and John panics.  "What can we do?"
  "We should call for a doctor."
  
  WHAMMM !  Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box.
  Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
  
  RING, RING.  RING, RING.
  J: My friend is bitten by a snake.  What to do?
  D: What kind of snake?
  J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
  D: Aye, aye.
  J: ?
  D: Those are very dangerous.
  J: What can we do?
  D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out.  Otherwise
     your friend will be dead within half an hour.
  
  Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box.  Jim, pale looking
  already, asks what the doctor said.
  
  Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
  ==
  
  [73]
  A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
  congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
  hand. The mother looked startled.
  
  The doctor then said, "Here catch," and promptly tossed the baby to the
  mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window. The lady
  shrieked and said, "You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
  
  The doctor replied, "April Fool, it was dead already!"
  ==
  
  [74]
  A blond guy visits the hospital.
  
  "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.
  
  "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with
  your wife?"
  
  "Yes, yes!  I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"
  
  So, the operation is performed.  Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy
  only has to stay in the hospital for two days.  On his way home, he meets a
  friend.
  
  "Well, hello!  I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.
  
  "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.
  
  "Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"
  
  "Really?  So, what's up?"
  
  "I'm going to be vaccinated."
  
  "Oh, shit!!  That's what it's called!"
  ==
  
  [75]
  Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what
  cases they have had the past year.
  1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
  2: Incredible, so big?
  1: Yes
  2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
  1: Waaw, so big?
  2: No, so sour
  ==
  
  [76]
  A twin is born.
  Mother happy.
  Father happy.
  Mother: "Just look at them lovely babies..."
  Father takes one by the head, and the little neckie breaks.
  Doctor rushes in: "How could you DO that?"
  Father: "'twas easy: look!"
  ==
  
  [77]
  An elderly couple went into a doctor.  They told the doctor "We're having
  some trouble with our sex life.  Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
  The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist.  You should find someone else."
  The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
  
  After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having
  any troubles.  I wish my sex life was as good.  I can't give you any 
  suggestions."
  
  This was repeated the next week and also the third week.  After they had
  finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. 
  Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
  
  The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my
  wife will catch us.  If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. 
  The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that.  You only charge $35, and
  medicare pays half of that."
  ==
  
  [78]
  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  -That depends on whether it has health insurance.
  - Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
    installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  ==
  
  [79]
  A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.  As she takes off her
  blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.  "How did you get that mark on
  your chest?" asks the doctor.  "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's 
  so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
  we make love," she replies.
  
  A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.  As she takes
  off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.  "How did you get that
  mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.  "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
  he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
  we make love," she replies.
  
  A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.  As she takes
  off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.  "Do you have a 
  boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.  "No, but I have a girlfriend at
  Wisconsin.  Why do you ask?"
  ==
  
  [80a]
  This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
  time, and finally went to a doctor.  After a thorough exam, the 
  physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not 
  exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure
  for them: you'll have to be castrated."
  
  The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he
  believed he would try to bear the pain.
  
  But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
  poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.  "All right, I guess I'll
  have the operation," he said.  When it was all over, the man was 
  understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you
  begin life anew.  Start over from this point."
  
  So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a
  new set of clothes.  The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks
  like you take about a 38-regular".  "That's right", exclaimed the man,
  "How'd you know?"
  
  "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty
  good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman.  "Now, for a shirt, looks
  like about a 15 long."  "Right again," the man said.
  
  The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."
  "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."
  
  "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner.  The man
  replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34".
  
  The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch
  your balls and give you headaches!!"

  *OR*

  [80b]
  A really handsome man had a high sqeuaky voice.  He was surrounded by
  girls except they ran off at the sound of his voice.  So he went to the
  doctor.  The doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the
  mans penis.  The man agreed to the surgery, and sure enough hios vooice
  went to normal and he was surrounded by women.  

  Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe.  The tailor took a look
  at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36.  The man
  said no I wear size 30.  The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years
  trust me.  If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky."
  ==
  
  [81]
  A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor
  had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a
  little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
  
  "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
  I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.  I've started growing hair
  in places that I've never grown hair before."
  
  The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
  side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
  
  "On my balls."
  ==
  
  [82]
  A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.
  Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
  The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an 
  another way that will cost only $50.
  
  The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
  worked on her for several minutes.
  
  After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told
  him that it was perfect.  The pain, the blood, everything was there. 
  And she asked him how he did it.
  
  "I tied your pubic hair," he answered.
  ==
  
  [83]
  Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress,
      I keep losing my temper with people.
  
  Doctor:  Tell me about your problem.
  
  Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
  ==
  
  [84]
  Woman:  Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to
          tell me if you find it unusual.
  
  Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
  
  Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!!  What a giant pussy!!
  
  Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
  
  Doctor: I didn't.
  ==
  
  [85]
  Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
  
  The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems.  I'm seventy years old.
  Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.  All day
  long I try to urinate.  They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing
  helps."
  
  The second old man says, "You think you have problems.  I'm eighty years
  old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels.  I try all
  day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
  
  Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every
  morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.  Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
  Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
  ==
  
  [86]
  A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem.
  I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
  
  The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and
  the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
  
  "Well, what is it?" he asks.
  
  "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have
  appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
  
  The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
  Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
  
  The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
  
  "Thats the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made
  of gold!!!"
  ==
  
  [87]
  This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the
  wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband 
  who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an 
  appointment and goes the following day.
  
  The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
  
  Doctor:  "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
  
  Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
  ==
  
  [88]
  Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
  of his (also a mute).  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had
  been doing.
  
  The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I can talk
  now."
  
  Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a 
  specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment 
  program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
  
  Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.  They
  got an appointment that very afternoon.
  
  After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
  that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
  there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
  
  "Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
  
  "Very well," replies the specialist.  "Kindly go into the next room, drop
  your pants and lean over the examining table.  I'll be right in."
  
  The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
  mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home"
  with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
  
  The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
  
  "VERY good," smiles the doctor.  "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
  ==
  
  [89]
  There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a
  good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an
  effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks.  
     
  One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk.  As Dr. X
  was doing his tricks, the kid said, "If you're such a good magician, let's
  see you turn yourself into an apple."  The doctor complied, and quick as
  a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut.
  The children were jubilant because they figured they had him out of their
  way.
  
  Then someone had a troubling thought.  "How do we know he's still really
  in there?" he asked.   "That's easy," said the kid, "Just weigh the box.
  If it weighs less, it means he's escaped."  So that was what they did.
  
  The moral of this story?  A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.
  ==
  
  [90]
  There was this doctor that always went to the country club and ordered an
  almond daiquiri.  It was his standard.  Anyway, one day the bartender was
  out of almonds so he substituted something else.  The doctor came in and
  ordered the usual.  When he got it, he tasted it and said to the bartender
  " Hey, is this my usual almond daiquiri?"
  
  The bartender replied, " No, that is a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  ==
  
  [91]
  A man went to a doctor.  Some say he went there to have an operation to
  become Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet
  another faction who claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still
  others say he wanted to make his hair permanently blond.  Regardless, the
  doctor asked him why, and he said it was something he always wanted to do,
  how he wanted to be able to relate to his friends, all of whom I suppose
  were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M who had found jobs at the local
  P.O. :-)

  Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply,
  the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal
  of over half of his brain.  The man insisted, and since the doctor just
  happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right
  portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I suppose),
  the operation was planned.
  
  The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's
  declining IQ on a nice LED display.  The doctor threw the switch and the
  numbers began ticking off.  95, 94, 93, ...  Suddenly the phone rang.
  It was the doctor's wife.  They gabbed for minutes on end, the doctor
  forgetting completely about his patient.  When he hung up, he suddenly
  realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick
  down: 6, 5, 4, ...
  
  He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was
  about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.  "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!"
  exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done?  Speak to me!  Say anything!!"
  
  The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just
  heard..."
  ==
  
  [92]
  Man goes to doctor.  Says he's depressed.  Says life seems harsh and cruel. 
  Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is
  vague and uncertain.  Doctor says the treatment is simple.  The great clown
  Pagliacci is in town tonight.  Go and see him.  That should pick you up.
  The man bursts into tears.

  "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci."
  ==
  
  [93]
  Fred walks into a psychiatrists office one day and says to the psychiatrist,
  "Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me.  It's really strange,
  sometimes I feel like a teepee."
  
  The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.
  
  So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
  
  To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two
  tents."
  ==
  
  [94]
  A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  Was it true, the woman
  wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the
  rest of her life?  She was told that it was.  There was a moment of silence
  before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my
  condition is.  This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".
  ==
  
  [95]
  There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being
  born with only a head -- no arms, no legs, nothing but a head.
  
  Now Timmy was a basicly happy person and he was loved and cared for by 
  his family.  As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he 
  was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the
  world he knew that something was seriously wrong.  He began to dream about
  being a whole person with arms and legs and a body.  He thought of nothing 
  else.  It became an obsession.
  
  Then one day Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a 
  physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration.
  Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself.  He had himself
  rushed to the doctor and made an appointment.
  
  When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true.
  The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into
  a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and
  he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the
  many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and 
  game Timmy the injection that would start the process.  Timmy went home and
  tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep.
  
  The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was 
  a whole person.  He had arms and legs and a body.  He was so excited and
  grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house,
  across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.
  
  And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.
  ==
  
  [96]
                 When The Shoe's On The Other Foot
                         by Art Buchwald
  
     It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
  emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
  came over to see him.
     "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
  court when you accused me of malpractice."
     "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
  it be?"
     "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
     "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
  know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
     "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
     "What are you talking about?"
     "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
  everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
     "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
     "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
  out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
     "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
     "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
  Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
  Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
  when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an
  Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
  headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
     "Why are you reading that to me?"
     "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
  a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
     "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
     "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
  sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
     "Then get me another doctor."
     "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
  after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
  This is the only place that I can practice."
     "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
  appeal your case to a higher court."
     "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
  a kidney stone."
     "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
  looking at him."
     "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
  you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
  into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
  of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
  to be in a lot of pain.' "
     "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
  ounce of Demerol?"
     "I better check you out first."
     "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
     "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
  examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
  do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
     "What for?"
     "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
  and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
     "I'm not going to sue you."
     "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
  after you pass the kidney stone?"
  
  >From: American Medical News, p.4, July 18, 1986
  (reprinted in AMN with permission of the author, LA Times Syndicate, 1986)
  ==
  
  [97]
  Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,
                         doctor.  What are the chances? "
  
  Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."
  ==
  
  [98a]
  Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any
  anesthetic on him?
  
  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

  *OR*

  [98b]
  You know, my dentist thinks of railways to relax.
  Ah yes, trains-and-dental meditation.
  ==
  
  [99]
  While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
  the bills doing medical transcription work.  I came across a book today 
  called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical
  Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed 
  quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered.  Some of the
  best follow: 
  (c) 1981 AAMT
  
  d: Hesselbach's triangle
  t: House of Ox triangle
  
  d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue
  t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe
  
  d: Patient is a primip.
  t: Patient is a prime rib.
  
  d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.
  t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.
  
  d: Varicose veins
  t: Very close veins
  
  d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
  t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.
  
  d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
  t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.
  
  d: If I may be of any help to you in the future along the way, please feel
  free to make an appointment for further evaluation in the meantime.
  
  d: When this man straightens his head and puts it under his chin, he
  gets some relief.
  
  d: The patient was placed under the microscope.
  
  d: Extremities:  The patient wears a toupee and there is a right inguinal
  hernia.
  
  d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest.
  
  d: Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally.
  
  d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies.
  
  d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we
  have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly,
  and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.
  
  d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo!
  
  d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate.  Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't
  know, maybe it's a man.  Dear person Tate.  I don't know what you say.  Dear
  person Tate.  No, you can't say that.  Dear Ms. Tate.  Oh, make something up.
  
  d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female
  infant.  Oops!  There isn't any such thing, is there?
  
  d: His tongue was slightly hairy.  Yes, that's what I said, hairy.
  
  d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never
  remember at the proper time.
  
  d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand.  Maybe an
  arm will come later.  Maybe a body will come with it.
  
  d: This is the phantom of the phone.
  
  d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank.
  
  d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and 
  produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office.
  
  d: He was discharged to home with the Visiting Nurses following him.
  
  d: Despite treatment, the patient improved.
  
  d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
  in early December.
  
  d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for
  past 10 years.  Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing
  abdominal girth, etiology unknown.
  
  d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic.  Father lives with an
  ulcer.
  
  d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the
  present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you.
  
  d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return
  when she felt better.
  
  d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD.
  
  d: Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the
  patient going bad on the table.
  
  d: Both marital problems are teenagers.
  
  d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre
  suicide note.
  
  d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.
  
  d: He breaks out with cats.
  
  d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
  and broke her ankle.  The birds were not injured.
  
  d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy.
  
  d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits.
  
  d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting.
  
  d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of
  surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and
  solution to the problem that is at hand.
  
  d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.
  
  d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain.
  
  d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.
  
  d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps
  blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because
  of this.
  
  d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should
  have picked different parents.
  
  d: I gave the x-rays to the patient to carry with him so he could show and
  tell.
  
  d: Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids.  Desires tubal ligation.
  
  d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  
  d: Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury
  for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation.
  
  d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
  breath on motion but not on talking.
  
  d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
  game of the season when he was sliding into home plate.  The patient was
  safe, but his ankle was out.
  
  d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I am
  a psychiatrist.  At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent,
  threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room 
  immediately.  The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a
  complete mental status is indeed not possible.
  
  d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient;
  however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward,
  moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate
  victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk.  I now find that she
  is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not 
  asleep enough.  She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she
  is not down enough.  I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by
  that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy.  This little bottle of
  pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles
  of pills of which she takes only about one half.  She can't handle the _____
  so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation].  This has a little booze
  in it and may help her.  She will return in one month.
  
  d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an
  acid trip.
  
  d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.
  
  d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con-
  sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.
  
  d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report.  She made
  a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning
  following surgery.  Following that, she was lost in confusion, and
  repeated attempts to locate her through the hospital information center
  failed to locate the patient until the morning of the 15th when she
  phoned me stating that she was still in the hospital in room 5309 ...
  Her unusual length of stay in the hospital was not intentional and it was
  due to misunderstanding and confusion and inability to locate the patient
  until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital course was uneventful and she was
  discharged.
  
  d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
  relationship did not work out.
  ==
  
  [100]
  Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
  for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
  something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told
  him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the
  alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to
  work.
  
  "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
  
  "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
  ==
  
  [101]
  Well, there was this guy who'd been living a really great life as an
  art dealer in New York City, making tons of money and everything. He was
  30 and fixed for life, a millionaire, when he went to the doctor and
  found out that he had a very rare bone disease that was sure to kill him
  before he reached 31. So he went around the country, visiting hospitals
  and specialists, but no one was able to help him. The answer was always
  the same: "it's incurable, extremely rare, no one has ever found
  anything that has the slightest effect on the disease." And already the
  guy was starting to disintegrate; you know, they had to amputate an arm,
  it would be a foot next... he was real desperate. And then he heard from
  a friend of a friend of a doctor that there was this guy, a kind of
  warlock, in Australia no less, who had spent years developing a potion
  that cured all bone disorders! The guy's name was Dr. Mersey. It all
  seemed sorta dubious, but with one month left to live he wasn't going to
  turn anything down. Besides, what the heck, he'd always wanted to visit
  Australia...
  
  So, anyway, there he went the next day. When he arrived, it took him a
  week to fly, be driven, and finally (with a great deal of difficulty)
  hike to Mersey's place. He finally got there -- three weeks to live, and
  his right foot had fallen off along the way -- and was rewarded with
  the sight of a really huge tin shack with a kind of chimney/smokestack
  thing on top, and evil-looking dense brown smoke pouring out of the top,
  and surrounded by eucalyptus trees.
  
  Dr. Mersey came out to greet the guy (he'd been notified by radio-telephone)
  and told him about the treatment. "It's a potion brewed out of eucalyptus
  and koala bears and boiled for two years before it's drunk. Luckily I have
  some just ready. It tastes terrible, you'll vomit for days, and your hair
  will fall out, but you will be cured." The guy wasn't too pleased at the
  first part but he figured anything was better than dying.
  
  So Mersey gave him a tour of the place, There was the hopper where the
  koala bears were stuffed in (live!) and a vat where they were boiled for
  years. Horrid lumps were floating around and the evil brown smoke was
  emanating fiercely. Finally the stuff dripped out of a little pipe into
  a rusty can. It was brown and oily and had hairs and pieces of koala
  meat and bone floating around in it. The doctor says, "Here, drink
  this." The poor guy asked the doctor, "Couldn't you filter out the...
  stuff.. that's floating in it, first?"
  
  And the doctor, shaking his head sadly, says, "The koala tea of Mersey is
  not strained..."
  ==
  
  [102]
  Lawyer:  Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
  Doctor:  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
  ==
  
  [103]
  A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental
  hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat.  He
  stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around.  Also he realizes
  that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital.  In short he
  realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire.  
  
  The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire,
  puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire,
  trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer.
  There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor,
  helpless.  Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds
  that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars).
  
  The patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while
  and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help."
  
  "How?" asks the WASP.
  
  "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels
  and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to
  the nearest gas station."
  
  "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, 
  "Why did they locked you in?"
  
  "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and
  continues, "Not because I am stupid."
  ==
  
  [104]
  At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining
  weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.
  After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone
  else.  This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".
  ==
  
  [105]
  A coffin was being moved when it fell on a wagon, and started down the hill.
  One of the morticians started chasing it, as it rolled pass the hospital,
  the mortician yelled to one of the men with a black bag, "Doc, quick, give
  me something to stop this coffin."
  ==
  
  [106]
  Sign for a gynecologist who doubles as a general practitioner:
  
               DOCTOR FOR WOMEN
                 AND OTHER DISEASES
  ==
  
  [107]
  A young women at the hospital was given a private room.  
  She was too cute for wards.
  ==
  
  [108]
  Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite
  ill lady appeared in a Rochester  hospital emergency room, having driven
  herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking
  lot.  The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get
  an ambulance?"
  
  The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
  
  (...this one is true!)
  ==
  
  [109]
  Swifties:
  
  "Have a ride in my new ambulance", said Tom hospitably.
  
  "The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm", said Tom
  humorlessly.
  
  "I never get lost", said the pathologist.
  
  "I've got all the work I can handle", said the doctor patiently.
  ==
  
  [110]
  An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can
  you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
  
  "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
  ==

  [111]
  Some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE):

  A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded
  the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill his
  wellness potential."

  Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
  of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
  ==

  [112]
  This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question.  The doctor says,
  "What can I do for you?"
  "Well doctor, I have a question for you.  I masturbate, and I was
  wondering how often is too often."
  "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do you do it?"
  "Three times a day." the man says.
  "Yeah, that might be a little excessive.  Have you considered finding
  yourself a girlfriend?"
  "I have a girlfriend, doctor", says the man.
  "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as well...", the doctor says.
  The man says "Oh, she is, that's not the problem.  The problem is,
  she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."
  ==

  [113]
  A doctor was at the beach when he saw a shark in the water and fainted
  dead away. Later when he woke his wife said to him, "You've got to quit
  imagining that there are lawyers everywhere!"
  ==

  [114]
  A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better
  times...  He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says,
  "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned
  out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

  The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already
  expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
  concerning his problem.  He tells her what the doc told him.

  She says: " Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we
  should make a list!"  He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way
  home; sorry your name is not on it!"
  ==

  [115]
  A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.  Shortly after he recovers
  from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him:
  "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."
  "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.
  "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."
  "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.
  "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and
  you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"
  ==

  [116]
  ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

  For years and years they told me,
      "Be careful of your breasts.
  Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
          And give them monthly tests."
  
  So I heeded all their warnings
          And protected them by Law...
  Guarded them very carefully,
          And always wore a bra.
  
  After 30 years of careful care,
          The doctor found a lump.
  He ordered a mammogram
          To look inside that clump.
  
  "Stand very close," she said,
          As she got my tit in line,
  "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
          "Ah Yes!  There!  That's just fine."
  
  She stepped upon a pedal...
          I could not believe my eyes!
  A plastic plate was pressing down...
          My boob was in a vice!!!
  
  My skin was stretched and stretched
          From way up by my chin.
  And my poor tit was being squashed
          To Swedish pancake thin!!!
  
  Excruciating pain I felt,
          Within its vice-like grip.
  A prisoner in this vicious thing,
          My poor defenseless tit!
  
  "Take a deep breath," she said to me
          Who does she think she's kidding?
  My chest is smashed in her machine,
          I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
  
  "There, that was good," I heard her say
          As the room was slowly swaying,
  "Now let's get the other one,"
          "Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
  
  It squeezed me from the up and down,
          It squeezed me from both sides,
  I'll bet she's never had this done
          To her tender hide!
  
  If I had no problem when I came in,
          I surely have one now...
  If there had been a cyst in there,
          It would have popped  KER--POW!!!
  
  This machine was made by a man,
          Of this I have no doubt...
  I'd like to get his balls in there
          For months he'd go "without"!!!!!!
  ==
  
  [117]
  A southern gentleman  goes to the doctor to have a vasectomy.
  On the day of his surgery, he arrives at the doctor's
  office dressed in a tuxedo.

  When the doctor questions the man's attire, the man drawls,

  "I wanna look impotent if I'm gonna be impotent!"
  ==

  [118]
  A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice.
  The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace
  his extremely large penis with a smaller one.  The guy is desperate and
  decides to go through with the operation.  It's a great success and the
  man has a fantastic baritone.

  But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see
  the doctor to try get his original equipment back.  He says to the doctor,
  "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life
  has gone to pot."

  "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.
  ==

  [119]
  There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup.
  The doctor asked why he needed the checkup.  The man was getting married
  next month to a girl 60 years his junior.  The doctor tried to talk him
  out of the marriage, and it didn't work.  However, the doctor suggested,
  "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder."

  The old man agreed.

  The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-
  raiser.

  The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."

  "That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help."

  "Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant
  as well."
  ==

  [120]

  A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor
  people.  Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it
  was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

  On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in
  large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA".
  The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

  Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate
  these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid.

  After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing 
  inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

  Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and 
  then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic 
  suggested that he visit a dentist.

  Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help,
  he visited one anyway. 

  Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem"

  "What is it?" the man asked. 

  "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

  "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

  "That's easy," replied the dentist.

  "Why everyone knows...Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
  ==

  [121]
  THE DOCTOR 
  (Toxic Custard Workshop)
  
  In the waiting room you wait your turn.
  Don't breathe in if you don't want germs.
  Come into my office and have a seat,
  I'm Doctor Killer, pleased to meet
  
  Hello there, you say you're ill?
  Better cough up, 'cos I don't bulk-bill.
  Lie down here; does it hurt?
  I'll put this cold thing up your shirt.
  
  Then I'll stick this thing up your nose,
  While you take off all your clothes.
  Lots of probes, and then some.
  In your ear and up your bum.
  Ah ha! I know what's wrong with you!
  Much more serious than just the flu.
  What would you like, a box of pills?
  I do hope that you've made a will.
  
  Take ten of these ten times a day;
  Now piss off; on the way out, pay.
  Oh dear, he's dead, where's that nurse?
  I'll get her to call the hearse.
  ==

  [122]
  A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem 
  that I am always farting all of the time.  Although they don't smell,
  they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life."
  
  The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week.
  
  He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good.  In fact they made things
  worse.  I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."
  
  To which the doctor replies, "Good!  Now that we have your nose working 
  again, lets work on your farting"
  ==

  [123]
  I recently went to see my doctor.
  I said "Doctor It's me dick!"
  I flopped it onto the desk, and the doctor asked "so whats the problem?"
  An' I said "Nowt. It's a beaty ain't it!"
  ==

  [124]
  The young woman settled down on the table and th doctor gynecologist
  asked, "What exactly happened?"
  
  Well she replied that " My boyfriend had his glasses down there and he
  got so wild that they fell in!!"
  
  He then peered inside and said, "I can't see anything in here."
  
  "That's odd," she said. "I can see you just fine!"
  ==

  [125]
  Gynecologist to doctor: I've been feeling low lately, Doc.
  ==
  
  [126]
  Bill hadn't been feeling very well lately, so he went to see his doctor.
  After running several tests, the doctor had the bad fortune of telling
  Bill the results.
  
  Doc:  Bill, I'm afraid that I have to inform you that you have a bad case
        of the HAGS, and this is serious.
  
  Bill: But Doc, what is this serious disease known as HAGS?
  
  Doc:  Well, its actually a deadly combination of herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea,
        and syphilis.  Very few people have ever survived HAGS.
  
  Bill: Oh my God, Doc!  What am I going to do?
  
  Doc:  Well, for starters I'm having you put into one of the hospital's
        observation rooms.  You will be put on the 3P diet.  And we'll wait.
  
  Bill: What's this 3P diet, Doc?
  
  Doc:  Pancakes, pizza, and pop-tarts.
  
  Bill: So tell me Doc, what's so special about pancakes, pizza, and pop-tarts
        in the treatment of HAGS?
  
  Doc:  Well, those are the only foods that we've found that can be easily
        slipped in under the door!
  ==

  [127]
  Old Doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
  Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
  ==

  [128]
  One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to
  see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And
  your gynecologist is so old!"

  The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands shake
  *all* the time!"
  ==

  [129]
  Or perhaps you know Joan Rivers' gynecologist?  Every Time you go to his
  office he says, "Dr. Schwartz, at your cervix.  I'm dilated to meet you!"
  ==

  [130]
  An apple a day keeps the doctor away...  if it is aimed well.
  An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
  Barium:  What doctors do when treatment fails.
  Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
  Proctologist:  A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
  There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
  Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of
    apples.
  Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no
  answer.
  ==

  [131]
  "Captain, how soon can we land?"
  "I can't tell."
  "You can tell me; I'm a doctor."
  ==

  [132]
  Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U.K. Secretary of State for
  Health:

  What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health
  secretary.

  Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was
  'satisfactory'.
  ==

  [133]
  I stole a pad from a doctor's office and forged a really strong
  prescription for myself.  He was an ophthalmologist.  You wouldn't
  believe the colors!
  ==

  [134]
  A pipe burst in a doctor's house.  He called a plumber.  The plumber
  arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a 
  while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
  
  The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!  I don't even make that much as
  a doctor!".  The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said
  "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
  ==
 
  [135]
  A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is
  persuaded to have a medical exam first.
  
  "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says
  to the doctor. 
  
  "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
  
  So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
  ==

  [136]
  Steve Wright:

  I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
  reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

  I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
  Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?

  The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
  ==

  [137]
  Rodney Dangerfield:

  I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc!  I just took an entire bottle
  of sleeping pills.  What should I do?"  He said, "Go home, have a couple
  of drinks, and get some rest!!"

  "I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!"

  "I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised
  his fee!"

  "I met the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette!"
  ==

  [138]
  There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He
  once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After
  a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally
  phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The
  doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the
  farm, they insult me!" 
  ==

  [139]
  The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out
  a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.  The patient put it
  in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.  Every morning for two years
  he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass.  Twice it got him into
  the movies, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony.  He got
  a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.  One day he mislaid
  it.  His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship
  to a conservatory of music.
  ==

  [140]
  Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
  ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
  in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
  AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
  seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
  doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later
  (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the
  doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
  Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
  Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
  Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. 
  Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
  connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
  what I see! 
  At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
  prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
  "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
  ==
