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How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

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Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they  were originally  made for children but the
father wants to play with them.

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Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

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What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ?
They both have colored balls.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

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What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

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Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
Because it's to far to walk.

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What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the 
manger.  One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped 
his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

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During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came
to an adjournment and left for their hotel.  In the lobby of the hotel
several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging,
"I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the
hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ...
"chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.  He wanted to make 
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time 
ago, that He grew up, etc. 
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! 
He's in our bathroom!!!"
Ths whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.
and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs 
on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" 

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Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely
young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present.  I know
you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho!  Gotta go. Gotta go.
Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy
negligee.   Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says
"I've got something special for you Santa.  Can't you stay for just
a little while?  I know you want me.  Let me make this Christmas eve 
unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho!  Gotta go. Gotta go.
Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty
bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add.  And she
says "Santa, this is your last chance.  This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey!  Gotta stay. Gotta Stay.
Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of
Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as
they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the
toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered
Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far
more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from
the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother
noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the
horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get
off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She
began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the
hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the
corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can
persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.

Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his
mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert
was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if
Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and
wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never
been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great
deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on
Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's
stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you
don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going
to kick the living piss out of you!' "

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Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...

  On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.  As he
pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped.  So, he had to take
them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight.  He then
went to check on the rest of the preparations.  The elves were on strike.
The reindeer had shin-splints.  At this point, Santa was BUMMED.  He went into
the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY.  Now he was
really mad.
  All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.  Santa, in his angry state,
ignored it.  There was another knock.  Santa was in no mood for all of this.
When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door.
  Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa!  What do you want
me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

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One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door,
bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini.
Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in
front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's
hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think
you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell
you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the _last_ reindeer you'll
see in here."

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