Subject: Re: Looking for Men Jokes

kam95434@ucbeh.san.uc.edu writes:
| I need a list of men jokes!  As the only woman in a systems group I am
| sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.  Help me, I'm only a woman :-)

  
  God created ADAM and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis.
  The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.  The penis
  was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was
  that He (God) had only given ADAM enough of a blood supply so that he could
  only use one of them at a time....
  ==
  
  Q: Why do men name their penises?
  A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of
     their decisions.
  ==
  
  Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
  A: A hot dog and a six pack.
  ==

  Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
  A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask 
     for directions.
  ==

  Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she
  yells out, "Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
  ==

  Q: What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
  A: The wrinkles!
  ==
  
  Q: How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird?
  A: Throw it off a cliff.
  ==
  
  Q: Why do men like BMWs?
  A: They can spell it.
  ==
  
  Q: What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
  A: Proofread.
  ==
  
  Q: Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
  A: He wanted a foam mattress.
  ==

  Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
  A: So men can understand them.
  ==

  Q: What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?
  A: Government Bonds mature.

  Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
  A: Lifting his legs so that you can vacuum.
  ==
  
  Q: What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
  A: "Oh look, donut seeds!"
  ==
  
  Q: Why are men like paper cups?
  A: They're dispensable
  ==
  
  Q: Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?
  A: ET phoned home.
  ==
  
  Q: Why are men like noodles?
  A: They are always in hot water .
     They lack taste.
     They need dough.
  ==
  
  Q: Why do Blonde Women have bruises around their navals?
  A: Blonde men are stupid too.
  ==
  
  Q: How can you tell if a man is a WASP? 
  A: He gets out of the shower to pee.
  ==
  
  Q: What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
  A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.
  ==
  
  Q: When a woman gets married she wants the 3 S's (sensitivity, sincerity,
     and sharing) what does she get?
  A: The 3 B's: Burps, Body Odor, and Beer Breath.
  ==
  
  Q: Whats the only exercise men get?
  A: Sucking in their stomaches when a bikini walks by.
  ==
  
  Q: How do you force a man to do situps?
  A: Put the remote between his toes.
  ==

  Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
  A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
  ==

  Q: What did God say after he created man? 
  A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman.
  ==

  Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
  A: We (women) cook/they (men) eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
  ==
  
  Here's a good putdown line for woman:
  A man walks up and says havent we met before?
  Say YES, I'm <insert your name here>, the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
  ==
  
  Q: Why are men like commercials?
  A: You cant believe a word they say.
  ==
  
  Q: Why are men like popcorn?
  A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  ==
  
  Q: Why are men and stray paint alike?
  A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
  ==
  
  Q: Why are men like blenders?
  A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
  ==
  
  Q: Why is food better than men?
  A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
  ==

  Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
  A: Because men fake foreplay.
  ==

  Q: Why do men prefer blondes?
  A: Men always like intellectual company
  ==

  Q: Why are women so bad at mathemetics?
  A: Because men keep telling them that this...

         |                            |
         |<-------------------------->|
         |                            |

     ...is 12 inches.
  ==

  Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
  A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
  ==

  Typical man:
  At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman,
  "Does this happen to you often?"
  ==

  Q: What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
  A: Divorced
  ==
  
  A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
  car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
  that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
  
  The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a
  minor problem.
  
  PRIEST:  Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
  circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.  I'll
  sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
  
  SISTER:  I think that would be okay.
  
  They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
  Ten minutes later...
  
  SISTER:  Father, I'm terribly cold.
  
  PRIEST:  Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
  
  Ten minutes later...
  
  SISTER:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.
  
  PRIEST:  Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
  
  Ten minutes later...
  
  SISTER:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.  I don't think the Lord would
  mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
  
  PRIEST:  You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn
  blanket.
  ==
  
  Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole ?
  A: Divorced.
  ==
  
  Q: What is the diference between
     a) a toilet
     b) the 'g' spot
     c) wedding anniversaries
  A: Nothing really -- men seem to miss them all!
  ==
  
  "Men are like toilets. 
   Either:
     Vacant/Engaged
     or full of crap."
  ==

  Suzie: "Can you beat my total of 71 men?" 
  Jane: "If you supply the whips."
  ==

  "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
  -Jackie Mason
  ==
  
  "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
  -Zsa Zsa Gabor
  ==

                        -- Gifts for Men --
  
  Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
  ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
  should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
  clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
  example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
  three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
  that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
  at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
  So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
  years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
  pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
  
  If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
  than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
  of tires.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
  ==

                              CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
  
  
  Element:                Man
  
  Symbol:                 Ah      (short for a**h***, a common French root 
                                   used to identify the element)
  
  Discoverer:             Eve
  
  Quantitative Analysis:  Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in
                          length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4
                          inches yet way 200+ Kg.
  
  Occurance:              Found following dual element Wo, often in high 
                          concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. 
                          (Experimental evidence: Any beach on any coast)
  
  Physical properties:    Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol) 
                          Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
                          after reaction with Wo (Snore ...  zzzzz.)  Gains
                          considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive
                          nature.  Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
                          Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction
                          with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.
  
  Chemical properties:    All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no
                          further reaction is possible.  May react with several
                          Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
                          conditions.  Usually willing to react with whatever
                          is available.  Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-
                          existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to
                          turn the specimen bright red and send it to react
                          with Sa, the sex analyist.)  Reaction styles vary
                          from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
  
  Storage:    Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
              25-35 for favorable reaction style.
  
  Uses:       Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
              free dinners for Wo...
  
  Tests:      Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
              specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
  
  Caution:    Tends to react extremely violently when another Man
              interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. 
              Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
  ==
  
  TOP 10 REASONS DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
  
  10.  More sophisticated fashion sense.
   9.   Love to dance.
   8.   Willing to sleep on rug and fetch on command.
   7.   Spend less time worrying about hair loss.
   6.   Old buddies don't show up on the doorstep unexpectedly.
   5.   Utterly disinterested in professional sports.
   4.   Your parents find them easier to like.
   3.   Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends.
   2.   Willing to hold your purse in public.
   1.   Unlikeley to roll over and lose consciousness
            immediately following intense play.
  
  Don't forget:
        They don't bitch and moan if you want it and they don't...  And
        if they do and you don't, you can distract them with a cookie!
  ==
  
  There was this dad who was so unbelievably shy, and when his little
  daughter first saw him naked and wondered what his 'thingy' was, he
  answered; "Well, err..., ehhh..., that is my little bird it is".
  His daughter was baffled by the fact that men and/or boys were so
  lucky as to have their own bird, but she was eventually persuaded and
  went to bed as any other night.
  
  When the father woke up again, he was experiencing the ultimate, and I
  mean really ultimate, pain! His daughter was at his side and he asked;
  
  "Ohhhhhhh, moan, MOAN, moan..... My little daughter, WHAT has happened
  to me?"
  
  And the daughter answered;
  
  "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided I wanted to see
  your birdy, and well, when I patted it for a while it SPITTED at me. I
  was *SO* mad at it, so I wringed it's head off, broke all the eggs and
  burnt the nest!" 
  ==
    
  I have been married 10 times.....
  
  LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WAS WRONG WITH EACH
  
   1. My first husband was a musician: all he wanted to do was sing to it.
  
   2. My second husband was a doctor: all he wanted to do was examine it.
  
   3. My third husband was a politician: all he wanted to do was make
      promises to it.
  
   4. My fourth husband was a psychiatrist: all he wanted to do was talk
      about it.
  
   5. My fifth husband was a photographer: all he wanted to do was take
      pictures of it.
  
   6. My six husband was a policeman: all he wanted to do was keep it under
      lock and key.
  
   7. My seventh husband was a hairdresser:n all he wanted to do was tease it.
  
   8. My eighth husband was a gourmet: all he wanted to do was taste it.
  
   9. My ninth husband was a teacher: all he wanted to do was do it over
      and over again until he got it right.
  
  10. My tenth husband and last is the one I an married to now and the one
      I like the best, He a mechanic: he tore it uo the first night and has
      been working on it ever since.
  ==
    
  SEMINARS FOR MEN:
  
  1.  Combatting Stupidity
  2.  You Can Do Housework Too
  3.  PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  4.  How to Fill an Ice Tray
  5.  We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas.  GIVE US MONEY.
  6.  Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
  7.  Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
  8.  Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
  9.  How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
  10.  Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
  11.  Spelling - Even you can get it right
  12.  You - The Weaker Sex
  13.  Reasons to give Flowers
  14.  How to stay awake after sex
  15.  Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
  16.  Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.
  17.  #101 - You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
       #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
  18.  I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
  19.  How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
  20.  Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
  21.  The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
  22.  How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
  23.  The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
  24.  Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
  25.  Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
  26.  Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
  27.  How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
  28.  You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
  29.  Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
  30.  Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
  31.  The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
  32.  Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
  ==

                       The 9 Types of Boyfriends
 
  Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
  Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, 
  Snugglepup
  Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
  Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
  
  Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.  Let's 
  stay home and watch TV."
  Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow 
  Mover, Jerk
  Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
  Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass
  
  Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
  Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
  Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
  Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
  
  Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
  Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' 
  Dumb
  Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
  Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
  
  Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
  Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
  Advantages: Well rested; easy target
  Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
  
  The Sneak - "Who, me?"
  Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
  Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
  Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
  
  Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed 
  weasels, OK?"
  Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
  Advantages: Perpetually aroused
  Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
  
  The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how, 
  but--"
  Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
  Advantages: Tells good stories
  Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
  
  Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like 
  crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
  Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
  Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
  Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
  ==

  ..**** Iron Maidens **** (from Iron City)
  
  You've heard I'm sure the legend about the first man and woman:
  
  One drunken night god was feeling very lonely.  So he created man, and
  they had a few beers. The next afternoon he woke up and saw how badly he
  fucked up, so he tried again and created woman.  (About time the fat cunt
  did something right.)  BUT... did you know that he went one further and
  created *us*.
  
  Yes. the women of Rock n' Roll (and he did a fucking good job.)  Women clad
  tightly in leather, scantily in satin and lace, balancing on high stiletto
  boots.  Thinkers by day and drinkers by night.  We all know that behind
  every rock 'n roll star there's a fuckin' good woman keeping him from going
  blind.  (This includes wanna bes, have beens and will never be rock stars.)
  
  Stated fact: Contrary to what millions of drunken metal heads believe,
  metal chicks were'nt put on this planet as SEX SLAVES!  (But hey, who's
  complaining.)
  
  Sound familar?  (Does this sound like your man?)  You've been nagging your
  God-damn boyfriend to take you some place nice for dinner (come on, its your
  birthday after all), finally he agrees, but: "Ya have to pay for yourself."
  So you go out and he pulls up at McDeaths for 85c hamburgers and a drive
  through coke (and the bastard expects you to be grateful.)
  
  Quote:'Carbon becomes diamonds only because it put under incredible pressure.
  But honey all the bitcin in the world aint gonna change that longhaired, beer
  bellied, satanistic sleezy cunt you call a boyfriend.
  And Remember....
  
     1. Dont let him call you his missus until you've got that <gold
        band> on your left hand and his money goes straight to <you> on
        payday.  
     2. Your average metal head man may treat you like shit around his
        mates, but we all know they are <pussycats> when you have got
        them alone. In fact you should have him wrapped so tightly 
        round your sexy little finger, that he can count the hairs
        on his balls.
     3. And ...women weren't given periods because they deserve them. I
        reckon its a week, once a month reprieve from useless sex. (i.e:
        you average 7 second marathon man ha ha.)
  
  WHY WERE WOMEN CREATED
  
        Women were created so perfect because men weren't,
  
        So men who invented high heel, bras, lacy underwear and hairspray
        could become fuckin' rich.
  
        So that words like slut, bitch, tart, slag, wench, chicks, babies,
        birds and girlies could be used.
  
        So that men don't have to have stretch marks.
  
        So dogs, sheep and chickens could be left alone.
  
        So men don't have to worry about spending their money.
  
        So whistling isn't a waste of breath.
  
        So the space on the back of a Harley can be used.
  
        To give bands like Iron Maiden, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, The Mentors
        <or insert name of favourite band here> etc. have something to
        sing about.
  
        To give men a hard way to go.
  
        To be victimised.
  
  WHY WERE MEN CREATED???
  
        Who the fuck cares, its not relevant.
  
  THE RULES
  .
     1. The female always makes the Rules.
     2. The Rules are subject to change at any time WITHOUT PRIOR
        NOTIFICATION.
     3. No MALE can possibly know the Rules.
     4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the rules, she must
        immediately change some of all the rules.
     5. The FEMALE is NEVER wrong.
     6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
        was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
     7. If Rule 6 applies, the MALE must appologise IMMEDIATELY for
        causing the MISUNDERSTANDING.
     8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
     9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind with the expressed written
        consent of the female. 
