Subject: Joke collection (LONG)
Date: Mon, 17 May 1993 17:27:45 GMT

Subject: Mark's List of Jokes
.While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true)

.A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into
.a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission
.to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you
.do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old
.and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would
.you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

.While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his
.hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the
.farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going
.to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his 
.window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed,
."There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the
.passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got
.the cow!"
      

.Three old ladies were sitting around a table. The first says, "I'm 
getting so forgetful- this morning I was standing at the top of the stairs
and I couldn't remember whether I was going down or had just come up."
.The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day I was 
sitting on my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or 
getting up."
.The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, I have no memory problems at all,
knock on wood." She raps the table. "Who's there?"


               Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Birthday Activities
                 (Late Night With David Letterman - 4/30/91)

          10.  Pose for snapshot with moustache-shaped cake.
           9.  Admire trophy from staff inscribed "World's Greatest
               Dictator".
           8.  Get photos of visit to Kuwait back from Fotomat.
           7.  Get birthday wish from fat weather guy on Iraqi Today
               Show.
           6.  Strip-O-Gram from Khadafy where girl takes off veil only.
           5.  Go to T.G.I.Friday's; show driver's license:  get free
               order of Buffalo wings.
           4.  Suck helium out of balloons:  issue execution orders in
               high squeaky voice.
           3.  Shower.  {Odd birthdays only.}
           2.  Hide in bunker in case U.S. Air Force decides to give him
               another "surprise party".
           1.  Take off pants; pretend he's Ted Kennedy.
                                                         

I heard they are opening a Toys R Us in Harlem.
What will they call it?
We B Toys n Shit
Also, a new cereal made in Harlem.....Nut-n-Bitch.....


 A White Christmas
 =================

 To Santa...

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas
   Merry Christmas
      Merry Christmas
. Fuck you
                       

   Jesus and God decide to take a break from Heaven for a few hours, so they
go down to Hilton Head to catch some golf. They're even going into the last
hole, which is a difficult par 5. Jesus makes a beautiful 200 yard drive.
Another shot takes him up on the green, and he finally sinks a 20 foot put
for a very respectable birdie.
   So, God scratches his head and steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits
the ball and cuts to the left terribly, right into the woods.
   Meanwhile, in the woods, a squirrel is just leaving its home in the
hollow of a large oak tree. As he pokes his head out, the golf ball hits
him squarely between the eyes. He falls senseless toward the ground and
lands on the back of a rabbit that was napping beneath the tree, with the
golf ball lodged between the squirrel's ears. The rabbit wakes up, becomes
alarmed, and runs panic stricken out into the green. Just then a huge bald
eagle spies the tasty double treat of the rabbit with the squirrel still
unconcious on its back. So the eagle swoops down, grabs the rabbit and the
squirrel and starts circling up into the sky. When it's about 1000 feet up,
a bolt of lighting comes out of the cloudless sky and strikes the eagle
dead. The rabbit and the squirrel plummet like rocks toward the green below.
As they hit the green and bounce, the golf ball comes dislodged from
between the squirrel's ears and rolls across the green ... toward the cup ...
trembles precariously on the lip of the cup for a second ... and falls in.
   Jesus looks over at God. "Come on, Dad", he says. "Are you going to fuck
around, or are you going to play golf?"


Taoism = Shit Happens.
         If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Confucianism = Confucius say, "Shit Happens"
Buddhism = If shit happens, it is not really shit.
           Shit will happen again to you next time.
Zen-Buddhism = What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism = This shit happened before.
           This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
Islam = If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism = Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism = If shit happens, you deserved it.
Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it,
                         but we love you anyway.
Judaism = Why does shit always happen to us?
New Age = A firm shit does not happen to me.
          This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate
          I create my own shit.
Rastafarian = Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.
Jehovah's Witness = There is only a limited amount of good shit
Mormon = Hey, there's more shit over here!
Baptist = You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it
Unitarianism = Go ahead, shit anywhere you want
Iraqi Baathist = Oh shit!
Yuppie Shit = It's my shit!  All mine!  Isn't it beautiful?
Voodoo = Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Televangelism = Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit
                stop happening.
Heisenbergism = Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Nixonism = Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything
           about it.
McCarthyism = Are you now, or have you ever been shit?
Communism = It's everybody's shit.
Capitalism = Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
Agnosticism = It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm
              not sure whether its shit or not.
Atheism = It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to
          taste it.
          I don't believe this shit. 
Realism = I think I need to take a shit.


Ella McPherson was a little naive about the ways of the world, and found
that eventually she had to attend a gynecologist.  The conversation went
something like this...

EM:  Hi doc, I've never been to gynecologist before and I must admit
     that I am a little apprehensive.
MD:  That's ok.  Most women have this problem for a while.  The first
     thing that I want you to do is strip from the waist down.
EM:  WHAT!?!  Are you sure.
MD:  Absolutely.  I *am* a doctor and I need to be able to see you.
EM:  Ok.  I guess so.
MD:  Right.  Next, I want you to lie on that table over there.
EM:  Are you sure?
MD:  Yes.  Remember I studied for many years and I *know* what I am
     doing.
EM:  Ok.
MD:  Now spread your legs and put them in these stirrups.
EM:  Wait a minute, surely this can't be necessary!?
MD:  Yes it is.  It will allow me better access and will make the
     procedure simpler and quicker.
EM:  Ok I guess so, I mean you *are* a doctor.
MD:  Now, this instrument in called a speculum [guys, if you don't know
     what this is, ask a girl - it will make the joke much funnier] and it is
     *VERY* cold.  When I stick it in, it is likely to feel a little strange
     and might even hurt a bit.  Would you like me to numb you first?
EM:  Yes please doctor!

     So the doctor sticks his head between her legs and goes...
          NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM                                     

----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day in Norsegard (the Norwegian heaven, I think), Thor, the god of
thunder, being bored with heavenly existence decided that a quick trip
to earth would help alleviate some of this boredom.  Traveling
incognito, except for his trusty hammer, Thor came across a buxom blond
(what else?) and suggested that some mutual cohabitation of a degenerate
degree would be helpful to both parties concerned.  The blond, not
saying anything, and impressed with the size of Thor's hammer, nodded
her agreement.  They cohabitated for three days and Thor returned home.

Upon his arrival, Odin grabbed Thor and reprimanded him:  "No problem
sleeping with mortals, but you should go back and tell her your name."

Thor returned to earth, went up to the girl's house, knocked, and when
she answered said:  "I'm Thor."

To which the girl lisped in reply:  "You're thore, I'm tho thore I can
hardwy pee!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.  First is Kitchen Sex.  This is
at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.
Hence, in the kitchen.  Second kind is bedroom sex.  You've calmed down a
bit, perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom.  Third kind is
hallway sex.  This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say
"Fuck you."

There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom sex.  This is when you 
get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.


         HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the
         Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.

         Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as
         ready as they could be.

         HP won by a mile.

         Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision
         was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
         found, so a working party was set up to investigate and
         report.

         Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems
         Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service,
         the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the
         answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary
         presentation.

         "The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing
         and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8
         steering."

         The working party was then asked to go away and come up with
         a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's
         pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.

         2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and
         the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary--

         "The guy rowing has got to work harder"
 

Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says, "Hey doc, you know how
we have been talking about freudian slips?  Well, I had the most amazing
one last night.  I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say,
"please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you ruined
my life."


A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down
a mountain when the brakes gave out.  they screamed down the mountain,
gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than
anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks.  They
all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into
     town and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "Ok, but first I think we should get back
     in and see if it does it again."    

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top 10 disqualifiers for consideration of relational status:

10. Uses "party" as a verb.
9.  Knows all the words to "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?"
8.  Considers "Whooooo!" a valid form of expressing approval
7.  Thinks "quark plasma" is a party drink
6.  Hair mass > brain mass
5.  Thinks "electron transfer" is a new dance step popularized by the New
    Kids on the Block
4.  Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears
3.  Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isn't drunk
2.  Isn't expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the
    morning
1.  Needs pronounciation guide to read the television listings  

------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        "FUCK YOU"
                        ----------

        Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language is the word "FUCK".  It is the one magical word, which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.  In
language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical catagories.  It can be used
as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and in transitive (Mary was
fucked by John).  It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or
passive verb ( Mary really doesn't give a fuck) ; or an adverb (Mary is
fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).  It
can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful): as you can see,
there are very few words with versitility of "FUCK" .

        Besides its sexual connotations this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:

       Greetings----------------------How the fuck are you?
       Fraud--------------------------I got fucked by the car dealer.
       Dismay-------------------------Oh, fuck it!
       Trouble------------------------Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
       Aggression---------------------Fuck You!
       Disgust------------------------Fuck Me!
       Confusion----------------------What the fuck-------?
       Difficulty---------------------I don't understand this fucking business.
       Dispair------------------------Fucked again.
       Incompetence-------------------He fucks up everthing.
       Displeasure--------------------What the fuck is going on here?
       Lost---------------------------Where the fuck are we?
       Disbelief----------------------Unfuckingbelievable!
       Retaliation--------------------Up your fucking ass!

       It can be used to tell time--It's five fucking thirty!
       It can be used in an anatomical description--
                                       He's a fucking asshole!
       It can be used in business--
                 How the fuck did I wind up with this job?
       It can be maternal-- as in "Motherfucker"
       It can be politcal-- "Fuck Reagan"
       And never forget General Custer's last words :
               "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?" Also,
       the famous last words of the mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was
       that?" And, last, but not least, the imortal words of the captain
       of the Titanic, who said, "Where is all this fucking water coming
       from?"

               The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of
       the word.  How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"?
       Use it frequently in your speech and it will add to your fame
       and prestige.


An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life:

ITALIAN :
When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick
it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

FRENCHMAN :
When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate,
then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

AUSSIE :
When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on
the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild.


  A man is on vacation, and one evening he is walking down the beach and
he runs into a beautiful woman, who has no arms or legs.  She is crying.
He asks her, "What's the matter?" She replies, "In all my life I've never
been hugged."  He says no problem, gives her a hug, and continues on his
merry way.  The next day, he sees the same woman, crying again, and he
asks her, "What's the matter?"  She replies, "In all my life I've never
been kissed."  He says no problem, gives here a kiss, and leaves.  The
next day he is walking by the same stretch of beach and he sees her
lying there again, crying.  He says to her, "I gave you a hug, I gave you
a kiss, what's the matter now?"  She replies, "In all my life I've never
been fucked."  He says, "Is that all?" and picks her up and throws her
in the ocean and says, "Now you're fucked!"

 
What do you call 5 hispanics, one chinese, and 3 blacks in a row?

a sprinkler:

spic spic spic spic spic chink nigger nigger nigger


HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Msg#189272 in *SCMGEN* Created on 11/25/90 at
04:44:30
To: All,
From: Houston Hodges
Subject: I miss you.

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS
communications thing, so that you will be sure to
read it.  Please forgive the deception, but I
thought you should know what has been going on at
home since your computer entered our lives TWO
YEARS AGO.  The children are doing well.  Tommy is
seven now and is a bright, handsome boy.  He has
developed quite an interest in the arts.  He drew
a family portrait for a school project, all the
figures were good, and the back of your head is
very realistic.  You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September.  She
looks a lot like you did at that age.  She is an
attractive child and quite smart.  She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with
us on her birthday.  What a grand day for Jenny,
despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.

I am doing well.  I went blonde about a year ago,
and discovered that it really is more fun!
George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head,
has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much
easier since I realized that you didn't mind being
vaccumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape.  I had the living room
painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it.  I
made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop
sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going.  Uncle George, uh,
Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip
and there is packing to do.  I have hired a
housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your
coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just
the way you like it.  I hope you and the computer
will have a lovely time while we are gone.  Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often.  Try to
remember us while your disks are booting.

                          Love, Karen


A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford
was to share a house with an elderly couple.  What's worse is that
they have to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed,  while the older
couple slept on the lower half.  Needless to say, the young couple
wanted sex often.  Instead of asking the question explicitly,
for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code
"eating orange" for sex.
So every night the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel
like eating orange?". 
This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband
asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old
man from below interrupted,
"You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you
please not drip the orange juices down here!"
                                               

An elderly woman sees a bunch of women lining up outside a building.
Being so naive, she doesn't know these women are prostitutes and
that they've been arrested at the local police station.
She approaches one of the women in line and asks her what they were
all lining up for.  The lady of the street, somewhat embarrassed, 
faked the reply by saying they're handing out free oranges here.
She thought it was too good to miss, so she went to the end of
the line and wait.
When one of the police saw the old woman, he asks,
"Aren't you a bit old for this sorta stuff?"
"Are you kidding?  I may not have any teeth, but I still like to
peel them back and suck them!"


One day a boy walked up to his dad and asked,  "Dad whats the difference
between hypothetically and reality?" His father said, "Well son I'll show you.
Go over to your mother and ask her if she would screw the guy across the street
for $500,000." So, the kid goes and asks his mom, and she tells him "Sure, I'd
screw the guy across the street for $500,000." The boy goes back to his dad and
tells him this. "OK son, go ask your sister the same question." So, the kid
asks his sister and she says she would screw the guy across the street for
$500,000. He goes back to his dad and says, "Hey dad, sis said she'd screw the
guy across the street for $500,000." His father goes, "There you have it son:
hypothetically we're millonaires, but in reality we live with a pair of sluts."


As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for
Lent.  Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort.  The first few weeks weren't too difficult.  Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest
night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.  The last couple
of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking
the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came.  A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

husband: "Guess who?"
   wife: "I know who it is!"
husband: "Guess what I want?"
   wife: "I know what you want!"
husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"


A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced
during the operation.  The transexual replied,
"Well, when they cut my penis off that really didn't hurt too much."
"Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't
hurt too much either...."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"
"Hell no!  It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in
my head and sucked out all my brains!"


What did the football player get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.


George Bush and Saddam Hussein decide to settle their differences in a
civilized manner by discussing the matter.  So they meet on neutral
ground, midway between the swings and the sandbox, while all the
little kids respectfully gather round.  Bush is clumsily carrying
several rolled-up carpets, and Saddam is holding some empty cans of
Budweiser.

Bush:  You shouldn't have taken my toy.
Saddam:  It was not your toy.  It was my toy.
Bush:  Since you won't give me back my toy, we are at war.
Saddam:  I am not at war with you.  I am at war with Israel.
Bush:  You are not at war with Israel.
Saddam:  Yes I am.
Bush:  No you're not.
Saddam:  Yes I am.
Bush:  No you're not.
Saddam:  I am the leader of this miserable little country, and if I say
         I am at war with Israel, then I am at war with Israel.
Bush:  Well, I am the leader of a very much bigger country with every 
       weapon known to man, and I say you're not at war with Israel but
       you're at war with me.
Saddam:  No I'm not.
Bush:  Yes you are.
Saddam:  No I'm not.
Bush:  Look, if we were not at war, would I do this?  [Throws several
       carpets on Saddam.]
Saddam:  But if I were not at war with Israel would I do this?  [Throws 
         a can of Bud at Israel.  Israel ducks and screams bloody murder.]
Bush:  You're just trying to evade the issue.
Saddam:  No I'm not.  I was retaliating.
Bush:  You can't retaliate like that.
Saddam:  Yes I can.
Bush:  No you can't.
Saddam:  Yes I can.
Bush:  No you can't.
Saddam:  Yes I can.
Bush:  Be quiet or I will hit you.
Saddam:  If you hit me, I will use my secret weapon.  Then you will be 
         very sorry.
[Bush hits Saddam, and Saddam falls down.]
Saddam:  MOMMY!!
[Bush looks around nervously, but when no mother appears, he becomes 
more confident.]
Bush:  Aw, your mother wears combat boots.
Saddam:  Yeah, well, so what?  At least my mother didn't marry me.
Bush:  Don't ever say such terrible things, Mr. SOD-OM Hussein.
Saddam:  Stop mispronouncing my name.  You always mispronounce my name.
Bush:  SOD-OM, SOD-OM, SOD-OM.
Saddam:  Well, at least I can.  Perhaps there's a reason why you're 
         called BUSH.
Bush:  Now stop saying that.  I don't have a bush.
Saddam:  Yes you do.
Bush:  No I don't.
Saddam:  Yes you do.
Bush:  No I don't.
Saddam:  Yes you do.
[Bush pulls his pants down and wiggles his waggle at Saddam.]
Bush:  See, I don't.
[Faced with this open act of aggression, Saddam drops his pants too.
For a long time Bush and Saddam wiggle their waggles at each other,
and all the little kids who watch are greatly impressed.]


A small Indian brave walks up to his grandfather and asks:
"Grandfather, how do we Indians get our names?"

"Well my son, after the medicine deliverers the baby, he looks out
 the tee-pee window. Whatever he sees is the name of the baby.
 For instance, your father was born right at sunrise. Thus his name
 is Rising Sun. When your sister was born, the medicine man saw some
 deer. Thus her name is Running Deer."

"Oh," said the boy.

"Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking ?"


A small Indian brave walks up to his grandfather and asks:
"Grandfather, how do we Indians get our names?"

"Well my son, the baby is named for an event that happened on the day
 baby is conceived. For instance, your father was conceived during a terrible
 storm.  Thus his name is Thundering Cloud.  When your sister was conceived,
 it was a beautiful summer day.  Thus her name became Flowering Meadow.
                                                                       
"Oh," said the boy.

"Why do you ask Broken Rubber?"


Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man comes up and
flashes them.  The first old lady immediately had a stroke.  Then the
second old lady had a stroke.  The third old lady's arms were too short.


Two guys are in a bar that's on the top floor of a 50 story building.
They've been there awhile and are becoming quite sloshed.
."You know," says one to the other "The guy who designed
.this building was a genius.  He shaped the building and
.placed it in the city in such a way so that if you jumped
.off the 50th floor, you'd only fall to the 20th floor.
.Then, the air currents would sweep you up and drop you
.back on the ledge where you jumped from."
The other guy says "Oh, sure, yeah right.  Have another, pal."
."Don't believe me? I'll prove it to you."
So, he goes over to the window, opens it, climbs out on the ledge,
and jumps off.  He falls down to the 20th floor, stops, and floats
back up to the 50th floor landing lightly on the ledge.
."That's incredible," says the other guy "I never would
.have believed it.  It looks like fun."
So, he climbs out on the ledge and jumps off.  He falls all the way
to the ground and splats on the sidewalk.  The first guy chuckles
and walks back to the bar.  The bartender, having witnessed the
event, says to the guy, "You know, when you get drunk, you can
be a real jerk, Superman."


Running Bear finally woke up one morning to discover that he was
a man.  As such, he deduced, he would require a woman.  So he
trekked on over to the Medicine Man's teepee to requisition a
woman.

"What you want, Running Bear?" queried the Medicine Man.

"Running Bear want woman!"

"Hmmm," said the Medicine Man, "do you know what to do with
a woman once you've got her?"

"Uh," said Running Bear, "no..."

"Then go into the woods for two months.  Find a tree with a hole
in it, and practice on the tree.  Once you have perfected your
technique with the tree, come back to me and I will give you
a woman."

Running Bear agreed, and set off into the woods.  Sure enough,
he found a tree with the appropriately sized hole, and began
his two months of practice.  Two months later, he returned
to the Medicine Man with pride in his eyes.

"Okay," he said to the Medicine Man, "me know what to do.  Give
me woman."

The Medicine Man nodded and brought a pretty young squaw from the
back of the teepee.  "Little Flower," he said to her, "you now
belong to Running Bear.  Do as he asks."

Running Bear and Little Flower then retire to a vacant teepee where
Running Bear instructs her to bend over.  She shrugs and complies.
Running Bear then gives her a swift kick in the ass.

"Hey!" cried Little Flower.  "What did you do that for?"

"Me not stupid," explained Running Bear, "Me check for bees first."


This guy goes to a school reunion.  He's walking around and suddenly sees
his old roomate.  He goes up to him and goes through the usual greetings.

Guy:  "Hey Tom, how've you been?  What are you doing now?"
Tom:  "Well, I'm a professor of logic"
Guy:  "What's that?"
Tom:  "Let me give you an example.  Do you like goldfish?"
Guy:  "Yes."
Tom:  "From that I can deduce that you like animals, right?"
Guy:  "Yeah."
Tom:  "Which means you like kids"
Guy:  "Yup"
Tom:  "Which means you like women, right?"
Guy:  "Yes.  That's cool that you can deduce all that."

The guy then sees another of his friends, Paul
Guy:  "Hey Paul, guess who I just met"
Paul: "Who?"
Guy:  "Tom! He's a professor of logic."
Paul: "Logic? What's that?"
Guy:  "Well, let me give you an example.  Do you like goldfish?"
Paul: "No."
Guy:  "FAG!!!!!!!"


       NEW SIMPLIFIED, PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY-SPECIAL FORM  

The ______________Insurance Company has issued this policy to ______ 
_________________for a period of _____ year(s) ending promptly at   midnight,
standard time on ______________.  Property Location: _______
________________________________.  Amount of Insurance you   bought: 
$_________ Blanket, on your house, all the accumulated furniture and shit
inside your house, your garage (the one where you park your car,  not Al's
Body Shop) and any other small building on the lot, and what it  costs to live
when your house is burned down or something like that    happens, for so long
as we say it's okay.   

We also will defend you in court if some sonuvabitch makes a claim   against
you, or pay his damages, and we'll pay the medical bills of some people who
get hurt accidentally at your place, or some other places.  

(We could spell it out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one fucking word
of it anyway--shit--we had to hire ten Jew lawyers just to figure THIS out
after we wrote it).  

CONDITIONS:  

 1.  If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call
      us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.  

 2.  Our agent has already told you that this is the new "ALL RISK" policy. 
      He was correct as far as he went, but he doesn't even know what the
      fuck he's selling.  So, if you have any questions, call or write to us,
      not some jackoff insurance salesman.  

 3.  Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how
      godawful new it is or how it never leaked before.  If you try to shit us,
      we'll not only cancel this fucker so fast it'll make your head swim;  
      we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an     
      insurance policy again, short of Hong Kong Mutual.  There's so much
      fucking regulation, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's  
      Jesus Christ, that we CAN'T LIE to YOU--It'd be our ass.  So, don't give
      us any song and dance or we'll land on your ass hard.  

 4.  Replacement Cost:  Fucking forget it!  You don't need it.  We'll pay what
      is fair, with or without any goddam Replacement Cost Coverage. And,
      we don't give a shit what your goddam neighbor's policy has on it.  

 5.  The Amount of Insurance You Bought, listed above, is the absolute most
      we will pay no matter what your house and other shit is worth or   
      however many people sue your ass for any one accident.  So, you'd   
      better be goddam sure you've bought enough to cover the worst fucking
      disaster you can imagine.  Don't depend on your agent for this!!!  If he
      had any imagination, he'd find an HONEST occupation (like sucking off
      sailors).   

 6.  Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered
      by this insurance.  We'll tell you when you need to know.  If we told you
      now, you'd forget it in an hour--if you ever understood it in the first
      place.   

 7.  YOUR DUTIES:  (1)  Pay the fucking premium and (2) Call us right away
      when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call
      in); that's all you gotta do.  Don't try to get cute--see item (3) above
      in case you forgot already (which doesn't surprise us).  

 8.  If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know.  By the   
      way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has 
      something to do with your job--forget it!  Don't call us; we couldn't
      care less!  

By: ______________________________ Dated ___________________


Why were Helen Keller's legs yellow?
Her dog was blind too.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You'd kill yourself too if your name was Hhhurgahlyehh. 

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

Why does Helen Keller have trouble reaching orgasm?
Because she's dead.


   Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter.  St. Peter 
   questioned each man:

   St. Peter(to the first man): What is your IQ?
   first man: 210 
   St. Peter: WOW! that's really high, maybe we should discuss the
              Theory of Relativity sometime.
   
   St. Peter(to the second man): What is your IQ?
   second man: 170
   St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the 
              fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime. 

   St. Peter(to the third man): What is your IQ?
   third man: 70
   St. Peter: Well....how about those Bears?


.A man walks into a bank and tells the teller, "I want to open a
fucking bank account."  The woman replies, "Sir, there's no reason to 
talk like that."  Again he says, "Listen, all I want to do is open a
fucking bank account here."  And again, her response is "Sir, you really
need to stop talking that way."  All this commotion alerts the bank
manager who comes over and says to the man, "Can I help you?"  To 
which the man says, "Yeah, I just won ten million dollars in the lottery
and want to open a fucking bank account here."  Upon hearing this, the
manager motions toward the teller and says, "Is this bitch giving you
a hard time?"


A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was
immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
 
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch
hiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a
lift. So he pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you
going, Father?"
 
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
 
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that,
the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver
continued down the road.
 
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the
road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
 
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
 
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"  


Did you hear that Dolly Parton had a baby?  She made the mistake of
breast feeding it and it exploded. 


An Israeli is sitting on the aisle next to two Arabs on a long airplane 
flight.  He removes his shoes and gets comfortable when one of 
the Arabs nudges him and asks him to get them some orange juice. 
To avoid any trouble, the Israeli gets the orange juice. When he leaves, 
both Arabs spit in his shoes.

The Israeli comes back with the juice, which the Arabs gulp 
down. The rest of the flight is uneventful. The plane lands, 
and the Israeli puts on his shoes and feels the squishing inside. 
He turns to the Arabs and says, "When will it stop?  The hatred,
the violence, the killing...the spitting in the shoes?...the pissing in the
orange juice?"                       


    A preacher is buying a parrot.
    "Are you aure it doesn't swear?" asked the preacher.
    "Oh absolutely.  Its a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs?  When you pull the right one, he
recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd
Psalm."
    "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both
strings?"
    "I fall off my fuckin' perch, you faggot," screeched the parrot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    A parrot has the habit of jumping on hens, so the farmer tells him
that if he does it again he will pull out every feather on its head.  The
parrot jumps on the hens again, and his head feathers are all pulled out.
Meanwhile, the farmer's wife, who has pretentions to culture, is having a
formal dinner.  She appoints the parrot to be butler and to tell the guests
where to put their hats and coats.
   
   The party proceeds without mishap, with the parrot announcing "Ladies to
the right!  Gentlemen to the left!"  Suddenly two bald-headed men enter, and
the parrot says, "You two chicken-fuckers come out in the hen house with me."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's
cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette.  Suddenly the phone rings.  Her
boyfriend is coming over.  She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade,
puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.  The
parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

.The Jews were being persecuted in Rome, and so the cheif rabbi asked
for a meeting with the pope.  Since they did not speak the same language,
they communicated by hand signals.

.The pope began by waving his arm in a large circle.  The rabbi pounded
his fist into his lap.  The pope then put three fingers in the air and waved
them around.  The rabbi then put his middle finger in the air and waved it
around.  Finally, the pope took out a fish and a loaf, while the rabbi took
out an apple.  The meeting ended.

.The cardinals asked the pope how the meeting had gone.  "This rabbi
is a wise man, and understands the lord," replied the pope.  "First, I said
God is everywhere; he replied God is here.  Then I signaled the holy trinity,
and he replied, there is but one God.  Finally, I related the miracle of the
fishes and the loaves to tell him of the loss of faith among the masses; he
told me the problem today stems from the original sin of Adam and Eve."

.Meanwhile, the chief rabbi relates the meeting to the other rabbis.
"I think ve have von!," he exclaimed.  "Foist, he says 'Get the hell out of
Rome!'.  I tell him 'Ve're staying right here!'.  Den he says 'I give you
three days to get the hell out of Rome,' so I says, 'Fuck you!'.  Den he 
took out his lunch, and I took out mine."


I remember when we used to laugh at grampa
when he would go out fishing every morning.
Of couse we didn't laugh when he brought 
a whore back from town.
-Deep Thought SNL  

If you fall off the Sears Tower, go limp.  People will think
you're a dummy and try to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
-Deep Thought SNL 


An American, a German, and a Polishman are on a safari deep in the woods
of Africa.  The tour guide, a native African, stopped suddenly, and looked at 
the gentlemen.  He said, "I will not go further in this jungle.  Just ahead
are rare cannibals.  I will not risk my life."  The three gentlemen look at
each other, and decide to check it out.  The tour guide split, and the guys
started walking.  It wasn't long before they were captured by the cannibals.
The cannibals tied them up and hung them upside down from a tree.  The chief
came up to them and said, "We are cannibals.  We will eat your insides, use
your bones for tools, and use your skin to cover our canoes.".  The chief turned
to the American and said, "Do you have a last request?".  The American replied,
"Bring me a knife.".  The chief brings him a knife and hands it to the
American.  The American opens the knife and says, "I will die with pride!", and
slits his throat.  The chief asked the same thing to the German.  The German
said, "Bring me a knife also.".  The chief brings hime the knife, and the
German said, "I won't let YO kill me!", and he stabs himself in the heart.  The
chief turned to the Polishman, and said, "What is your request?".  The
Polishman says, "Bring me a fork.".  The chief was puzzled, but he brought him
a fork.  The Polishman started stabbing himself all over his body, screaming,
"You're not going to make a canoe out of me!!


There was this tornado that went through West Virginia this summer.
It did about a million and a half dollars worth of improvements....


.Once Jesus was at the famous lake where the miracle happened the other
 day, and his students were following him close behind. They needed to cross 
 the lake, but the boat wasn't there. So, Jesus started walking on the water.
 His students were amazed once more, but said "Jesus, we have to cross the
 lake too, you can't leave us behind!" And Jesus replied in a frase: "Him who
 has faith in me, should always follow me."
.Jacob first replied: "Oh Jesus my Lord, I have faith in you," and 
 walked towards the lake. And as a miracle, he could walk on the water!
.Peter came second: "Jesus, let my faith in you be more solid than a 
 rock," and walked towards the lake. And he walked on the water.
.So, all his students walked on the water. Last was Thomas, who still
 was on doubts. "Yes, I believe, but what if..." And as he tried to walk on
 the water, he begun to sink. He tried many times to follow the others, who were
 at the middle of the lake already, buthe was always sinking. Realizing that
 it just wouldn't work out for him, he yelled: "Oh Lord, help me."
.Then Jesus turned back to Jacob and whispered:
."Why is that jerk screaming?  Tell him to walk on the rocks as we do!"
                                                        

Three men of different nationalities are walking down the
road when they see a pig, stuck in a fence, its bottom
towards them.

The Italian says, "I wish it was cooked."

The Frenchman says, "I wish it was a woman."

The Englishman says, "I wish it was dark."


A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are flying in a plane.
The pilot explains to her passengers that the plane is too heavy and in
order to avoid an ugly crash, some weight needs to be removed from the
plane..After removing all the unnecessary items (baggage,etc.), the pilot
reports that the plane is still too heavy and yet more weight needs to be
removed.  She then asks if any of the passengers would be brave enough to
give up their own lives to save the others.  The Frenchman stands, raises
his glass,says "Viva la France!" and jumps out of the plane.  This not being
enough, the Englishman stands up, raises his glass, says"Long live the
Queen!" and jumps out of the plane.  Still this is not enough weight
removed so the Texan stands up, raises his glass, says "Remember the Alamo?"
and throws the Mexican out of the plane.   


Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


The Bible says it's alright to be a bitch:

     Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem.

Jesus drove a Honda:

     All the disciples were in one Accord.


A young priest was having severe stage fright whenever he got up on the pulpit. 
So one day a visiting bishop gave him some advice.  "Just before you go up,
take a few sips of the wine.  THat will help relax you and make your stage
fright go away."   The young priest thought this sounded like a good idea and
gave it a try the very next service.  The young man had no problems at all. 
However, the bishop came to him after the servie and gave him the following
list of things that were wrong.

Next time, only take 3 sips, not gulps.
We do not refer to the Holy trinity and Big Daddy, Junior, and the spook.
We do not refer to Jesus and his disciples as JC and the boys.
Jesus was nailed to a cross.  They did not "Tack his ass to a tree"
David beat Goliath, he did not "kick the shit" out of Goliath.    


.A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this 
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 
man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 
fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his 
pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly 
disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, 
"What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll 
and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then
finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you
do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, 
"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard 
roll!"


This really happened last week according to various net.sources.

Last week's anti-Bush protest in Portland, Oregon got violent.
As the police beat and arrested the protesters, people yelled:

                "Bad cop!  No donut!"


What's the difference between shit and women?
You don't have to cuddle shit for 20 minutes after laying it.


How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck her.

     
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.


Did you hear that in recent nuclear accident the US dropped a one hundred
megaton thermo-nuclear device on Ethiopia by mistake ? (typical...)

A million died in the initial blast, four million died running towards
the mushroom....
 

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog.  As he reaches the center of
the shop, he picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around and
around over his head.

"Um... C-can i help you sir?" asks the shopkeeper, shocked at the spectacle.

"No thanks," says the blind man, "I'm just looking."


One day, a young lady is taking a bath when she here's a knock on the door.

"Who is it!" She shouts from the bathroom.

"I'm a blind man" comes the reply.

So she rushes downstairs and opens the door in the nude, thinking it would 
make
no difference what she is, or isn't wearing.  The man walks in and says,

"Hello, nice tits, where do you want these blinds."


In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store
advertisement for womens bras and panties reads:

."The perfect gift for that special woman in your life,
.or great to keep for yourself."


A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells
her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the
woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning
and tell her what happened.
The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says
she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day the same thing
happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even
better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five
pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The
next day the woman comes in limp but happy and tells the therapist that the
sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle, the therapist says she doesn't know it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a 
person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office.
Six months later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says:
"Are you the idiot who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting in
the corner going  'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty....'"


  After the death of an army general, a new one was stationed to take his
place in the desert. When the new one arrived, he noticed an old, tired-looking
camel that just lingered around the camp. The general disapproved of such
an awful looking creature around his camp and asked his aide why it was
there. To this the aide replied,

"Well,sir, sometimes the men get a little anxious being out in the desert
away from their wives so we keep old Bessy around for when they get really
'anxious'."

  The general thought this was disgusting and ordered that the camel be sent
away.

  Two months later, the general confesses to his aide that he's feeling
rather 'anxious' and asks whether or not Bessy was still around. To which his
aide answers,

  "Why no,sir, I thought that this might happen so I hid Bessy in one of
the tents out of sight."

  Embarrassed, the general asks his aide to go along with him for this was a
very new experience and not one that he wanted to perform alone.  His aide
agrees and the two go to the tent where Bessy had been hidden.  The general
asks his aide how he is sopposed to go about this act.

  "Well,sir, pull on the reins and she'll lower her back and you just take
it from there."

  So the general pulls on the reins, Bessy lowers her back and the general
fucks her.  While he's pulling up his pants, he notices his aide looks rather
bewildered.

  "What's wrong?" he asks.
  "Well, sir, I've never seen it done that way before."
  "What do you mean?"
  "Well, usually when we pull on the reins and Bessy lowers her back, we
    just climb on and ride down to the tent of whores a couple of miles
    away!"


There once were four nuns...

Who all died in a car crash...

Upon reaching Heaven, they were brought before St. Peter to be questioned 
about their lives on Earth... 

The first Nun was asked, "Have you ever touched a man?"

She said, "Yes, I've held his dick in my left hand."
Saint Peter said, "Wash your left hand in the HOLY WATER and you shall enter
Heaven."

The second Nun was then asked,"Have you ever touch a man?" 

She said, "Yes, I've held his dick in my right hand."
Saint Peter said, "Sister wash your right hand in the HOLY WATER and you shall
enter Heaven."

After questioning the first two, St. Peter noticed that the other two nuns were 
fighting on the floor.

Sisters, sisters...
....Why are you fighting amongst yourselves...

"Saint Peter", said the Nun... I want to get my mouth in the HOLY WATER before
she sticks her fat ass in there.


There was a Frenchman, a Mexican, a Redneck, and a Black man all siting 
around a campfire drinking.  The Frenchman was drinking a bottle of fine 
French wine, when he finished he tossed the bottle up into the air 
hollered viva la France and shot the bottle.  The Mexican was drinking 
tequila, he finished his bottle tossed it in the air hollered viva la 
Mexico and shot the bottle.  The redneck was drinking Old Milwaukee beer, 
he finished his six pack tossed the cans on the ground, shot the black guy 
and said, "It don't get any better than this!"


   Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he
just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared
at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this
poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
mightier than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer,
and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE
JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but
manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest
animal in the jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an
elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.  The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant
and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so pissed."


I heard this from a friend who heard it from a friend ...
A boy in Australia was raised in the outback by his father.  He'd just
turned 18 and had yet to ever see a woman in his life.  His father
decided that it was time that his boy went to the big city to meet
some women.  The two got into the city and the boy was dumb-founded 
by the plethora of women.  His father told him to go up to their hotel
room and he would have his "birthday present" sent up.  The boy was
waiting in the room when the prostitute made her enterence.  She started
to undress and the boy suddenly realized what had been happening to his
body in the last five years.  So, he went over and opened the window and
started to throw things outside.  I mean everything.  He started with the
lamp, then threw out the bed sheets, then the desk, then the pillows, then
the mattress and then the TV.  He was starting to move the bed frame over 
to the window when the prostitute asks what he's doing.

"If this is anything like it is with the kangaroos, then we're gonna 
need a lot of room."


Two Americans and an Iraqi were driving through the Ontario
countryside when their car broke down.  Luckily, they were near
a farmhouse.  So they knocked on the door and asked the gruff
old farmer if they could stay the night.

The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition.  He told
them to go out into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable
they could find, then to return to the farmhouse.

Some time later, the two Americans found themselves dead and in line
at the Pearly Gates.  Saint Peter was there, listening to their
tale.  "Okay," said Saint Peter, "You went out and found some
fruits and vegetables.  How did you die?"

"Well," continued one of the Americans, "My friend here returned
first with a cherry.  Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and
commanded: 'stick that cherry up your ass, and if you laugh
I'll shoot you!'"

"And?" prompted Saint Peter.

"He laughed, and the farmer shot him."

"Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the 2nd American.

"It tickled," he said.

"Then it was my turn," continued the first American.  "I had also
brought a cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and
told me the same thing.  I laughed and he shot me."

"Why did YOU laugh?" Saint Peter asked.

"I saw the Iraqi coming up the walkway with a watermelon."


Instead of letting the American people decide on which Elvis to put on
the US Post Office stamp, why not put BOTH pictures! And taking it
a step further I sugguest putting an anti-drug message such as......


     /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
    /  $.29                        |                             \
    \                              |                             /
    /                              |                             \
    \                              |                             /
    /                              |                             \
    \        YOUNG  ELVIS          |         FAT ELVIS           /
    /                              |                             \
    \                              |                             /
    /                              |                             \
    \                              |                             /
    /                              |                             \
    \ ---------------------------------------------------------- /
    /  This is your body.           This is your body on drugs.  \
    \                      Any questions?                        /
     \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/


Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

Because he's black.


What do Cher and Chicago have in common?

Neither of them is fucking sunny.


Once there was a cat and cock and they were good friends. One day they went to
a pond for fishing. First the cat jumped in and it couldn't find any fish. Then
the cock dived in and came out with a fish.

The moral of the story is:

"Behind Every Successful Cock There Is A Wet Pussy."

In the old country, it is custom for women to enter, virginal and 
 sexually ignorant, into marriages arranged by their parents.
 
 In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor
 family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
 
 When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the brides insistence, 
 stayed in a hotel near her families home.
 
 Early in the evening, the harried looking bride came rushing through the
 door.
 
 'Mother, Mother!' cried the girl, 'He says that we should sleep together!"
 
 'Its allright, girl, married people sleep together.  Now go back before
 he starts to worry about you."
 
 "Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband, who had already begun to 
 disrobe.  When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
 
 "Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"
 
 'Its allright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother
 you... now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.'
 
 When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees
 that he had part of his right foot amputated.  She flees, in fright,
 back to mom.
 
 "Mother, mother, He only has a foot and a half!"
 
 "Stand back girl," says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"


Q: Why do black men rub their eyes after sex?

A: To get the mace out.

 

A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly
proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually
tiring of this boasting, the bartender says "Ifyou're such a bad
ass, then you'll have to prove it to me." The customer says
"No problem, name it." The bartender says" Okay, there's three things
you have to do: first there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's
been hassling my customers all night, you have to kick him out of the
bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an
abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's
a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there
and make her come. The customer replies, "No problem" and commences
to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says "OK, show me to
the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts
the door. For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in
the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn
and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and
says "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"

