Subject: Love Letters

This is very old, source unknown.

To my dear wife

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I
succeeded 36 times, which ia an average of once every ten days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

.We will wake the children...17 times
.It's too late . .. ..15 times
.I'm too tired..... 5 times
.It's too early.....52 times
.It's too hot.....15 times
.Pretending to be asleep....49 times
.Window open the neighbours will hear.. 9 times
.Backache..... 2 times
.Headache.....16 times
.Sunburnt.....10 times
.Your mother will hear us... 6 times
.Not in the mood.....21 times
.Will wake the baby....17 times
.Watching the late TV show... 7 times
.Too sore..... 9 times
.New hairdo..... 4 times
.Wrong time of the month.... 4 times
.You had to go to the toilet... 9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded
me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had
finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.


To my dear husband

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons
you did not get more than you did.

.Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat. 7 times
.Didn't come home....29 times
.Didn't come.....14 times
.Came too soon.....26 times
.Went soft before you got in...18 times
.Toes in cramp..... 9 times
.Working late.....49 times
.Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat.21 times
.In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls. 4 times
.Caught it in your zip.... 6 times
.Got a cold, your nose keeps running..14 times
.Brewer's droop.....95 times
.Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue.. 9 times
.Had a splinter in your finger... 4 times
.Lost the notion after thinking about it all day.13 times
.Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book  8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because
you had missed and was stuffing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about a
crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you back
or with me kneeling?"  The times you felt me move were because you had
farted and I was trying to breathe.  However, 6 months ago I phoned
Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been
calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

