....How to pass exams
....  By SimonT

Let's face it, you can't sit around on your Laurels for a whole year.  Most
of the year, sure, but the whole year, never.  (Unless you're an arts major
of course)   

The day before your exams, you're going to start worrying.  And you won't be
alone!  Psychologists the world over are all-too familiar with the upset,
which in professional circles is known as the:  "Pre-Exam, Oh-Shit-I'm-going-
to-FAIL-and-Dad's-going-to-take-back-the-money-he-lent-me-for-the-Woody Station
Wagon (as seen in 8 is enough) Trauma", but is more commonly known by the
layman as "The Pre-exam Sweats".  As a condition, P.E.S. is fairly simple to
treat, but the side effects of massive alcohol indulgence can be a bit of a
trial for some people.  The most common reason that people seem to encounter
this problem is that they have a vision of what their life will be like once
they FAIL their course:  being on the dole or having a job roadsweeping or
something - an Arts-Graduate success story in other words.  The fear of ending
up like this virtually paralyses the poor student, and before they know what's 
happened, the exams are over and they can't remember the last few weeks, except
maybe there was this person in a white coat who gave them a hat with wires on
it that was nice and warm, but they really aren't too sure...

To combat this, OBVIOUSLY prevention is better than a cure, so I suggest this:
DON'T TAKE THE EXAM.

There are a lot of hidden advantages to this:
.- You stop worrying about taking the exam.
.- You won't actually FAIL the exam as such
.- You can pretend you're a carrot.   [This last option, is of course
only a reserve, and should not be tried at home, especially around tea-time]

Not turning up to the exam is a good implementation of this idea, but a far
better one is to throw what's known in the trade as a "sickie"  If you do this
however, you have to be really prepared to do the job properly, and that's
what I intend to concentrate on here today.

 For a good attempt, you're going to have to put some time into it, so it's no
use  having  a  last  minute couple of castor-oil curries and turning up to the
exam with a bag of sloppy turd.  You need a REAL disease, something that the
makes people really feel sorry for you.  The one I always use is Terminal
Nonspecific Syphillitic Glandular Halitotic Miophritus.  With a name like that,
you either get Aegrotat or an Honorary Masters in English.  Get those words on
a  Doctors  Certificate  and  you'll  be  in  like  Gin.   So first you need a
Certificate...

How to fake the Doctors Cert.
-----------------------------
.Next time you're at the doctor, fake a faint, and when the doctor goes
out to get a nurse (Doctors are notorious for not being able to deal with real
conditions, just symptoms) grab a fistful of the med-centre letterhead papers.
By the time the doctor and nurse get back you're halfway across town in your
lurex strides and no-one's the wiser.

  Grab a typewriter and type  at  the top of the page "Medical Certificate of
Illness for [Your Name] Incapacitating them from Normal Study & Examinations". 
Once that bit is typed, get a close relative with parkinsons or epilepsy to
write on the page, using words like Terminal.. Non-Specific.. as in my fake
illness before.   This should avoid the common mistake of making the form
legible,  because  1. Doctors can't write legibly, and 2. No-one will ever be
able to make out what the illness is and therefore not be able to look it up. 

  This certificate will work like a charm in most situations, especially when
you scribble a little more legibly "Five days to live" and "Declining Vision
and Bowel Control" at the bottom etc.   To perfect the ploy, hand the med cert
in PERSONALLY and just appear to be a little tired (a good way of effecting
this is to go out on the booze the night before to celebrate your passing of
course)  Pass your cert over and say, "Here's my certificate, my eyes are a
bit stuffed and I can't actually read what it says.  The doctor said to bring
it in as soon as possible, but I haven't been feeling well the last couple of
days..."  They will get to the bit about five days to live, look at the date
at the top of the certificate (back date it so that today is the fourth day)
and ask you how much the doctor told you (to which you say "Oh, he just spoke
to my folks about it, so I'm not really sure as yet.  It's probably nothing")
Their cold heart will be bleeding tomato sauce at this point thinking to
themselves "The poor bastard doesn't know!"  so now you put the screws on, to
add a bit of impetus to your application.   You say: "Actually, I'm feeling 
quite tired, I just feel like I could lay down here and sleep forever."

    THAT'S the clincher, they might be heartless, they have heard every single
excuse in the book, but one thing the don't want is some student kicking the
it in their office!   So you put the final screws on and wait until they
actually say it's ok (and get it in writing to say so: "Mum just wants me to
prove that I passed for some reason, she said I HAD to come today, I wanted
to  stay  home  and  sleep,  I'm  just  so tired <yawn> ... My this chair's
comfortable..." (they just about pass out as you close your eyes.) )

And Voila! your Cert is signed.  (Remember your stuffed eyes so bring the paper
up real close to make sure that the buggers are not trying to trap you.) 

You will leave victorious!!!  (You come back next year with a "LOURDS" luggage
label on the old backpack and all is explained.  (Peice of the Proverbial))

So that's it, how to take on the system and win one more time - Cheers!


