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=  F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.  = 
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                                Decisions Suck 
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        It is a test. Two actually, one in Philosophy, and one in History. 
Both tommorow morning. This is summer school so classes are long, a lot 
of material is crammed into those few weeks, and test are frequent, and 
cover a shitload of stuff. Both are about 20-30% of my grade. Big deal. 
I can do good on the others right? Maybe pull off a couple of C's and maybe 
even a B if I do really well. I think not. 
        You see, life isn't like that any more. It used to be. My parents 
would pay for my classes and my living arangements while I did a decent job 
in class. Well, never did really good in my classes, some B's, lotsa C's, 
few D's and F's here and there. Not really good, but for some reason, I 
can never really get into a class. Some of my architecture classes I really 
liked, but never really saw reason to put out that much effort. I knew that 
the difference between a B and a C was negligable. Why bust ass over such a 
little letter? So I would do shit I wanted to do, went to class, and turned 
in the required work. I can handle that. Usually, I would fail the first 
test, and make up for it on the other two or three so I would end up with 
a C in the class. 
        Architecture got old really quick. So many of those bullshit 
architecture history classes and so much bullshit in the design classes, 
just made it not worth it. Why design stuff for a professor when that  
wouln't be ANYTHING like it later in life? We were told to design buildings 
with this and that. In real life, you would never see this and that, but 
would concentrate on efficiency. So I dropped architecture, and decided 
on English. That had always been a strong suit. I loved reading, and had 
always wanted to teach as well. So I am now an English major specializing 
in 'option 2' which is teaching two subjects in high school. 
        With the last spring, my grades really hadn't done well. I bombed 
last fall pretty bad. So my parents said 'You have to have a 3.0 average 
next semester if you want to continue on.' I thought about it, and said 
that was fair. Spring semester came, and some of the classes(English) I  
really enjoyed. I worked on them, but some of the reading was kinda pointless 
in my eyes, but not in the eyes of my profs. I ended up getting 4 C's and 
an F. A little below a 3.0. So I figured my parents wouldn't pay for  
anything else. I figured I was on my own. Either way I needed a break since 
I had attended the last 7 semesters in a row. Last summer semester I worked 
as close to full time as I could. The other change is I moved out of the 
fucking hell pits called the dorms. Enough of the shit you are forced 
to endure there. 
        So here I was. On my own, in a new house with two friends, a new 
job that was pretty cool. About 30 hours a week. Not enough to support 
myself really but I just decided to use my savings account to carry me. 
Now it is the second summer semester and I am taking a philosophy class, 
and a history class. My parents have told me that I must get no worse than 
two B's if I am to attend fall. If I fail this semester, then no more 
support from them. No school here in texas on my own. My only two options 
are 1) working full time here  2) going to school in Denver where they live 
and living in the dorms again. 
        Working here isn't that bad. My last job just got old, and presented 
no challenge whatsoever. My new one does though, and I really like it. But 
I know I couldn't get even 30 hours there. That means I would have to pick 
up a shit job to carry myself through. Don't want to do that. 
        Going to school up in Denver would be really cool. I love the city, 
and all the things it offers. Many more things to do, new people, and it 
is a lot cheaper in a way. My parents pay out of state tuition here which 
is quite bad. Texas Tech fucks over anyone from out of state. So I would 
be up there with in state tuition, bigger city, and that kinda stuff. 
        The whole reason this is brought up, is because those TWO tests 
tommorow in class can really make a big decision on the rest of my life. 
If I fail either of them, then I can't make an A or a B in the class. That 
makes it so I lose parental support unless I move to Denver. If I do that, 
then I live with them, or I live in the dorm. If I pass the tests, then 
I am forced to continue with these classes, memorize useless facts and 
theories for the rest of the semester. 
        As I write this file, I have a little over 12 hours until my 
first test, and I haven't studied for either really. If I am to study, 
I will have to stay up late and not sleep, which isn't a problem, as I have 
done that plenty of time. The thing is, I can't motivate myself to open 
my bookbag, get the book, let alone open it and study. I physically can 
not do it. I have no idea why. This makes me wonder if I am not really 
cut out for college. If I tried, I could do quite well in my classes, but 
I have a serious problem getting motivated to do anything. 
        So maybe I will fail this semester, go to Denver, live with my 
parents and go to school up there. Thing about that is this. I have been 
in college since I was 17. I have lived on my own since then. I am a 19 
year old guy with 68 college hours. I am used to living on my own, and I  
am used to not answering to anyone if I don't want to. My parents are 
really cool when it comes down to it. They are a lot better than some that 
I have been told about. Just something in my mind clicks that living with 
parents is uncool. The other side of me says I have shown I can live on my  
own, and that I am a responsible person if I need to be. 
        So many fucking dilemnas, and no answers anywhere. If I move, I also 
have to deal with a loss of some friends, many enemies, and closing 
up all my ties to Lubbock, since I won't return most likely. The good with 
the bad, but not just one or the other. What do I do? Force myself to 
study boring shit just to get on to the classes I enjoy? Or do I say fuck it 
and fail this semester and move to Denver, and start my life over? 
 
        Decisions suck. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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