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                                             (ASCii By AD!) 
 
                            Damned Fucking Shit 
                           Editor: Access Denied 
 
                                Issue #40 
                     Title: 101 Uses For a Shi-Tsu 
                     Date: 9/15/94 
                     By: Ares 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
 
                            
                          / O \  uSeS FoR a SHi-TSu 
 
 
 
1-Play football with it. 
 
2-Put in a jar in case of a nuclear fallout. 
 
3-Use it as a koosh ball. 
 
4-Shove a pole up its ass and dust your celing with it. 
 
5-Take the pole out and dust your keyboard with it. 
 
6-Soak it in drayno and flush it down the toilet to clean out the pipes. 
 
7-Paint it blue and give it to small children telling them it's hairy smurf. 
 
8-Throw it at a fan to redecorate your walls. 
 
9-See how long it lasts as a fan belt. 
 
10-Feed it nitro glycerine and teach it to jump up and down. 
 
11-Feed it nitro glycerine and give it to a jumpy person. 
 
12-Put it in a microwave wrapped in tin foil. 
 
13-Staple its head to a Treasure Troll body and market it. 
 
14-Mount its head on your wall and say, "well, I was AIMING for the deer..." 
 
15-Watch a cat kick its ass. 
 
16-Feed it LSD and see if it jumps out a window. 
 
17-Name it killer. 
 
18-Name it Foofie and teach it to nibble at the toes of intruders. 
 
19-Shove a phone line in its ass and call someone. 
 
20-Feed it C-4 and teach it to nibble on electrical cords. 
 
21-Give it to your mother for her birthday and say it's a German loofa sponge. 
 
22-Give it to your father and say it's a hairpiece. 
 
23-Wash your car with it. 
 
24-Test your new flame thrower on it. 
 
25-Sue it for sexual harrasment. 
 
26-Tell it it's your hero, and it's everything you wish you could be. 
 
27-Shove a bottle rocket up its ass and see how far it flies. 
 
28-Get it drunk and make it drive home. 
 
29-Put it in a porn movie with a doberman. (youch!) 
 
30-Put a bunch of 'em in a line and call it a speed bump. 
 
31-Give it to Dahmer and see what happens.  
 
32-They make attractive door stops... 
 
33-Use it for a target on a dart board. 
 
34-Hold it under water to see how long it can hold its breath. 
 
35-Teach it to bite heads off of pigeons and name it Ozzy. 
 
36-Throw a tennis ball into a hydraulic press and watch it go in after it. 
 
37-Practice your drive with it. 
 
38-Force Spam, Jello, and Vaseline down its throat. 
 
39-They make good cannon shot... 
 
40-Crucify it. 
 
41-Shove a top up its ass, spin it around and say its a midget Tazmanian Devil. 
 
42-Cut it up and slip some into your mom's potpourri pot. 
 
43-Scrub your toilet with it. 
 
44-Throw it at your radio to change the channel. 
 
45-Use it as a paintbrush. 
 
46-Kill a bunch of them, put them on your floor and say it's shag carpet. 
 
47-Laugh at it. 
 
48-Nail it to your door on Halloween so the children will go away. 
 
49-Wrap it around your wrist and say you put hair tonic on your watch. 
 
50-Hold it under a magnifying glass on a sunny day. 
 
51-Record its barking as new age music. 
 
52-Replace your grandparent's "Depends" with it. 
 
53-Replace your own "Depends" with it. 
 
54-Dip it in paint and throw it at people saying it's a new game. 
 
55-Contact Satan with it. 
 
56-Put it in a tape drive and see how many DFS magazines will fit on it. 
 
57-Skin it and make an attractive toaster cover. 
 
58-Put it in your Nintendo and game with it. 
 
59-Plug its ears into a wall socket. 
 
60-Stuff it into your VCR and press PLAY. 
 
61-Stuff it into your tape/CD player and press PLAY. 
 
62-Tie it to the ground and drop big concrete slabs on it. 
 
63-Get three of them and juggle. 
 
64-Nail it's head over Vic's on a Megadeth poster. 
 
65-Smoke a cigarette with it. 
 
66-Smoke tea with it. 
 
67-Smoke IT. 
 
68-Dress it up in skimpy leather and see if it'll pass for Lita Ford. 
 
69-Give it a bunch of plastic surgery and see if it'll pass for Micheal Jackson. 
 
70-Teach it how to blow a dog whistle and drive itself insane. 
 
71-Bolt wheels to it and go skateboarding. 
 
72-Get it pissed so you can laugh at it when it growls. 
 
73-Strap it to your feet and go skiing, yelling shit as you fly down the hill. 
 
74-Throw it off a tall building and see if it hits a cop. 
 
75-Throw it at a wall of spikes. 
 
76-Dress it up and call it... "Spuds McKenzie... The Yuppie Generation" 
 
77-Feed it dynamite and teach it to play with matches. 
 
78-Grind it up and sell it in a health food store. 
 
79-Dress it up and don't take it out. 
 
80-Teach it to press down on a gas pedal and put it in someone's running car. 
 
81-Put it in a freezer so it dosen't spoil. 
 
82-Make fuzzy earmufs out of it. 
 
83-Shave it bald and say it's a big newt. 
 
84-Accidently leave it in your locker over the summer. 
 
85-Replace your mom's powder ball with it. 
 
86-Stuff it in your armpit to absorb sweat. 
 
87-Leave your life savings to it. 
 
88-Blame your H/P/A/V/C doings on it. 
 
89-Eat it alive and barf all over everyone. 
 
90-Feed it to a REAL dog. 
 
91-Polish your shoes with it. 
 
92-Feed it to a venus fly trap. 
 
93-Make gourmet beef jerky out of it. 
 
94-Cover it with maggots and throw it at a huge flock of birds.  
 
95-Name it as the mascot for a midget yuppie baseball team. 
 
96-Name it Tatoo and teach it to say "de plane, boss... de plane!!!" 
 
97-Use it as a hockey puck. 
 
98-Put it in the middle of the ocean and see how far it swims before it drowns. 
 
99-Teach it to be a sheepdog and watch it get trampled. 
 
100-Write a "101 uses" text file about it. 
 
101-BUUUUURN!!!!!  MUUUAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!! 
 
 
list created by  *-=ArEs=-*  for DFS, inc. 
 
 
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