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                                             (ASCii By AD!) 
 
                            Damned Fucking Shit 
                           Editor: Access Denied 
 
                                Issue #39 
                     Title: The Adventures of Power Wedge Man 
                     Date: 7/17/94 
                     By: Ares 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
 
                     The Adventures of Power Wedge Man 
         
         
        Sort of high above the streets I was perched, scanning the metropolis  
for any signs of trouble.  Gripped in my hand was my Surefire 250X graphite  
handled #5 iron.  2.83 pounds of the most butt kicking sand throwing action  
ever to be used off the golf course.  My long luxurious blonde pony tail was  
tonight covered by the camouflage pull-over mask I've become so accustomed to.   
I am POWER WEDGE MAN!!!  Defender of the MEEK and LARGE BREASTED!!!  
         
        Just as a chill night breeze wafted through my body I caught the sight 
of a woman jogging through the park.  I tracked her for a minute but my  
attention was soon stolen from the well-rounded figure only to be placed upon 
the dark shadowy man approching her.  The woman thought nothing of him but I  
have seen this man before...   
         
        As the man approached her I lept from the top of my 2-story apartment 
building.  Realizing that I was falling out of control, a manly squeal  
escaped my lips that was soon silenced as my face mashed into the apartment's 
lovely maggot-infested compost heap.  I would have loved to stay and wallow  
in the sweet smell of decomposing kumquats, but I had work to do. 
 
        The man grabbed the woman and I heard her cry for help.  I sprinted  
at the struggling couple with all of my might.  I screamed, "FACE MY WRATH, 
SCUM!!!"  And at that, my beloved wedge landed full force on the side of his   
neck.  A loud snap was heard and the twisted figure collapsed to the ground, 
jerking and convulsing as the last breath of live was sucked from his body. 
 
        The woman looked up, and at the sight of my masked face she let out  
a shriek of terror and kicked my croch with animal-like ferocity.  As I felt 
my balls proceed to rise into my stomach by sheer inertia alone,  A whirling 
roundhouse smashed across the side of my face.  Nuts in hand,  I fell  
to the ground.  As she ran away, I managed to wheeze, "No need to thank me, 
Madam!!!"  I got up, and with my last bit of strength, I hurled the power   
wedge in her general direction.  It struck her in the small of her back and  
she plummeted to the ground.  I walked -well, limped anyway,- over to the  
quivering figure on the ground.  I picked up the wedge and said, "You're 
WELCOME, dammit!"  I heard police sirens and thought, "well, I've had enough 
thanking for tonight,  I wouldn't want them to think I was the hero that  
saved this woman." With a yell of triumph,  I returned to my beautiful  
compost heap!!! 
 
  Written by: *-=ArEs=-* 
   
  Original character inspired by: DeMeNTia PRaeCoX 
 
 
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