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                    Damned       Fucking        Shit 
                        Edited by Access Denied 
 
                              Issue #8 
                      Title: My Cordless Fone 
                      Date: 10/26/93 
                      By: Access Denied 
 
 
                        My Cordless Fone 
 
     Ok.  I hate my cordless fone.  I HATE IT.  HATE HATE HATE HATE 
HATE HATE HATE HATE.  Ok.  Now you probably want to know why I hate 
it.  Too bad.  This issue of DFS is over.  WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF 
A DOWNLOAD YOU STUPID FOOL!   Oh... never mind... sorry, wrong 
issue.  <But it was still a waste of a download..>  Anyway... on 
with the 'zine.... 
     Ok.  "WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR CORDLESS TELEFONE ACCESS DENIED?!?" 
you probably just asked.  Ok.. I'll tell you.  IT SUCKS!  That's 
why! HAHAHA.  Ok ok... to the point you are saying.... ok... 
     Ok.  <If you are a good thinker, you'll realize that I'm 
probably going to start every paragraph with an "Ok."  (Greets to 
Jeeb.)>   Anyway... 
     Ok.  ARGH.  Ok.  Let's start over.  I have a... well, I should 
say my family has a cordless fone.  And it's a piece of CRAP.  
First of all, the batteries only last like two hours.  And people 
forget to hang it up and the batteries just DIE.  And of course 
people find the most wonderful hiding places for it (like under the 
couch) so you can't even find the damn thing when someone calls.  
ARGH again!!!!!!!  But that's nothing.  Oh, of course it gets all 
messed up when the batteries are low, but that's nothing compared 
to this: 
     Ok.  Whenever the neighbors across the alley use their fone, 
I get to hear something like "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 
SCRONCH RRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 
WONK WONK WONK WONK REEEEEEEEEEEEEE REEEEEEEEEEE WONK WONK WONK 
WONK" etc.  This goes on until they hang up.  This is the 
interference they are causing.  <Duh.>  As it happens, only OUR 
fone picks it up.  They don't pick up ours.  ARGH.  So I'll be 
talking with, say Incarnate, and we get to hear the conversation of 
these two GIMPS in the background, but it's all messed up so it 
sounds like they're in total excruciating pain (boy, I wish!).  I 
HATE IT!  And sometimes if you're lucky, you'll get disconnected 
too.  But there is some good to this... 
     Ok.  <I told you..... hi Jeeb>  The good thing is this.  If I 
unplug the part you hang up the fone on from the wall, the fone 
will pick up what these idiots are saying perfectly.  And they 
can't hear a thing I'm saying either.  Very nice.  I love hearing 
about how much sex they've had in the last few weeks <well, 
actually, I don't> and their credit card numbers etc.  It's loads 
of fun. 
     Ok.  So that's everything about my cordless fone.  Aren't you 
glad you know all about me and my wonderful fone now?  Didn't think 
so.  Well bite me or something.  And READ DFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Now go away kid, ya bother me. 
 
OH WAIT!  Don't leave!  I have something important to say.  Ok.  I'm 
taking a chance in this.  So what.  If you want to submit to DFS and 
you don't have the privalage of being on Paradise Lost, I have made it 
real easy for you.  Call up the board <look in DFS #0 for the number> 
and log on as DFS.  The password is JINGLE JINGLE.  Upload your submition. 
If it appears in DFS, you've made it.  You'll be real cool.  Not.  So 
do that if you want to submit to DFS.  There! 
 
 
             Distribution Sites:                      
        If you're on the BBSs you know it.            
           Fuck you if you're not.                    
  And to submit to DFS, call Paradise Lost and log    
   on as DFS.  The password is JINGLE JINGLE.         
               Just upload it there.                  
 
 
