O.J. Simpson: Canonical O.bligatory J.okes List [11/01/94]

Maintained By: Patrick Ferrell (v120qldp@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu)

Converted to HTML By: Derek Cashman (cashman@cs.odu.edu)


            Associated Press Photo 


   "The Ballad of OJ Simpson"; sung to the tune of, "Ballad of Lizzie Borden" 
   OJ Simpson Web Page!! 
   Cybersight's OJ Simpson Poll 
   SF Examiner's OJ Simpson Trial Home Page 


This is the Canonical List of O.J. Simpson jokes. Additions, corrections, and other comments regarding this list should be sent to me at:
v120qldp@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu


I. Football and other sports-related jokes
II. Hertz Rental Car and other acting-related jokes
III. Orange Juice puns
IV. Prison and killing-related jokes
V. Miscellaneous jokes



I. Football and other sports-related jokes

 1. Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife?
   A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife.

 2. O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles!

 3.     B oy           B oy              B oy          B oy
       I              I t               I             I
       L ove          L ooks            L ove         L ove
       L ife          L ike             L osing       L osing
       S entences     S an Quentin      S pouses      S anity

 4. I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done
   it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her.

 5. O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well.

 6. He's still a great footballer ... Still slices up the opposition wherever he finds them!

 7. Q: What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson?
   A: Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it.

 8. Q: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team?
   A: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance.

 9. Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy?
   A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson.

 10. O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo.

 11. Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook?
   A: Cut left, then slash right!

 12. Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction, they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo.

 13. Q: Why did O.J. kill Goldman?
   A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke.

 14. Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex?
   A: He wanted to terminate her free agency.

 15. Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people?
   A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat!

 16. At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death.

 17. O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking.

 18. I heard O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32.

 19. More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife:

   Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone.

 20. O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence.

 21. Q: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open?
   A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles.

 22. Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
   A: O.J. Simpson.

 23. Heard on one of the New York City radio stations:

   "I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials."

 24. O.J. play by play:

   "Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..."
   "Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move! He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it."
   "He cuts to the 91...now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!"
   "Looks like he's going to make it, and...ooohh....They bring him down in the driveway, just short."
   "What a play...One we'll all remember...One for the record books, O.J.'s longest run from skirmish."
 25. O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history....,

   He entered the NFL as a running back...
   He entered prison as a tight end...
   And will leave prison as a wide receiver!!

 26. Q: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders?
   A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards.

 27. The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15
   yards for clipping.

 28. Police are now saying that O.J. is no longer a suspect because they found a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene.

 29. Q: Did you hear experts have already predicted the Super Bowl champion for next season?
   A: It's going to be the San Quentin prison football team.

 30. Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and John Elway?
   A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other IS a slow, white Bronco.

 31. Q: What do Shaquille O'Neal and OJ Simpson have in common?
   A: They both spend a lot of time at court.

 32. Q: If he joins the prison baseball team, what will be OJ's favorite play?
   A: The suicide squeeze !!

 33. Q: What did Magic Johnson say to OJ Simpson?
   A: When I said, "Take her to the hole," I didn't mean it literally !!

 34. Reporter: OJ Simpson, you've won the Heisman trophy, gained over 2,000 yards in a single season, and have been inducted into the Pro-Football Hall of
   Fame. Now, you were seen escorted by the police on your way home. What are you going to do next?
   OJ: I'm going to Disneyland !!

 35. The NFL announced its 75th anniversary team. OJ Simpson was selected as one of the running backs. When informed of the honor, OJ could only say that he
   was glad that he'd made the cut!!

 36. Q: Did you hear that they have already selected a jury for the OJ Simpson trial?
   A: They've been looking for someone who won't be needed for the next six months and knows nothing about football. So they have selected the Arizona
   Cardinals Coaching Staff!!

II. Hertz Rental Car and other acting-related jokes

 1. I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being cancelled.
   Apparently it's _killed_ his Ginsu Knife deal!

 2. Did you hear about Hertz' new billboard? It's a picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!"

 3. Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words?
   A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz!

 4. Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too...

 5. I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence?
   I think not!

 6. Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz?

 7. A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model.
   It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your ice picks and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular
   phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime.

 8. Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial?
   A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running
   after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!"

 9. Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife?
   A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car.

 10. New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your front door!

 11. The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz.

 12. Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair!

 13. Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz?
   A: Not exactly.

 14. Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Only now he's making license plates for them.

 15. I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer.
   Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border."

 16. Q: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them?
   A: Whomever did it sure didn't try very hard.

 17. Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials: Practice.

 18. Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man?

 19. Q: Did you hear that Hertz dropped O.J.?
   A: Chicago Cutlery picked him up.

 20. Q: Did you hear about the new contract the Florida Orange Juice Association is going to offer O.J. Simpson?
   A: They'll pay him a million a year for the rest of his life. All they want him to do is change his name to Snapple!

 21. Q: Did you hear about the new OJ Simpson movie?
   A: It's called, "Sex, Knives, and Athletic Tape."

 22. Q: Why did OJ kill his wife the way he did?
   A: He was practicing for a part in a new movie: "Jock the Ripper."

 23. Q: Did you hear about the "Simpson Special" from Hertz?
   A: You get a free police escort when you rent a Bronco!!

 24. Some Ford dealership had a white Bronco displayed prominently. After Simpson's flight from justice, they put up a sign that read, "As seen on TV." 
 25. SPECIAL NEWS RELEASE----Ford Motor Company----Detroit, Michigan

   As of Friday, June 24, 1994, the 1994 Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice for felons everywhere. The conclusive California road
   test, seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the '94 Ford Bronco can successfully hold off 18 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire
   population of the United States for more than 90 minutes. Imagine how well it works when going over 40 miles per hour!! If you are a felon, then we have a
   special deal for you on a brand new 1995 Ford Bronco!! Simply go to your local Ford Dealer and ask for the new OJ Package.

   Picture yourself leaning back in your seat listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and the purring of police cars.

   And, if you act now, we will throw in the OJ Magical Disappearing Ginsu Knife at no extra charge!! Be the first in your cell block to own the new 1995 Ford OJ
   Edition Bronco!!

   $1500 Down and $259 per month. Tax and registration extra. Defense attorney not included.

III. Orange Juice puns

 1. Q: What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast?
   A: Fresh-squeezed O.J.

 2. Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice...

 3. Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him.

 4. The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem: He can't concentrate.

 5. Q: How do you get an electric chair to work?
   A: Give it the Juice!

 6. After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?"

 7. IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points...

 8. New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver
   Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit.

 9. Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink?
 10. A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers.

 11. Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?
   A: They both have O.J. in a can.

 12. My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning. I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!"

 13. Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.?
   A: Tang won't kill you!!

 14. Q: Why do they call him O.J.?
   A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.

 15. Q: What did OJ do when the police confronted him at his house?
   A: He froze and concentrated!!

 16. There is a new drink out in the bars now, called the Bloody Nicole. It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary but instead of adding tomato juice, you add O.J.!

 17. Q: What was the last thing Nicole said?
   A: "I should have had a V-8."

IV. Prison and Killing-Related Jokes

 1. They are going to re-make the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself.

 2. Q: Why won't prison be that different for O.J.?
   A: He will still have big guys opening holes for him.

 3. Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago?
   A: To find a clean towel.

 4. O.J. showed up at his lawyer's office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. The lawyer says, "Why are you dressed like that?" O.J. says, "Didn't you say I was
   going to Cancun?" To which the lawyer replies, "No. I said, 'You're going to the can, coon.'"

 5. Headline for the Daily Fishwrap...

   THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE ! STILL ON THE LOOSE !

   By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game?

 6. Q: What's black and white and red all over?
   A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife.

 7. Q: What is the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson?
   A: O.J. started out with millions.

 8. When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J. X.

 9. Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner?
   A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of white meat!

 10. Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did?
   A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!

 11. At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "..and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime with
   malice and forethought." At which point a confused O.J. blurted out, "That's not true! I did it alone!"

 12. Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago?
   A: He denied he was the culprit, and even suggested they come to the golf tournament and see how bad his slice was.

 13. Q: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport?
   A: He had some time to kill.

 14. Q: Why did O.J. flee?
   A: He was mad about not being Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade.

 15. The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage counselor. After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the counselor told the
   distraught O.J. to make another stab at it.

 16. Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
   A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in?

 17. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite soft drink?
   A: Slice.

 18. Q: What is O.J.'s motto?
   A: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em.

 19. Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long?
   A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car.

 20. OJ Simpson got sent to jail and is lying in his cell all depressed. His cellmate says to him, "Hey, it's not all that bad. We have a lot of activities around here. Do
   you like sports?"
   "Hell, yeah," replies OJ.
   "Do you like football?"
   "Hell, yeah," replies OJ.
   "You'll like Mondays then. Do you like baseball?"
   "Hell, yeah," replies OJ.
   "Great!! You'll love Wednesdays then. Are you gay?"
   "Hell, NO!!" replies OJ.
   "Damn, I guess you'll hate Fridays.

 21. OJ is introduced to his new cellmate, a huge, nasty-looking guy doing consecutive life sentences. He says to OJ, "Look here, we gonna get something straight
   right off da bat. Are you gonna be da husband or da wife?"
   OJ says, "What?!?!?"
   The guy gets real mad and says, "Are you gonna be da husband or da wife?!"
   OJ thinks fast. If he says, "wife," he'll get up the wazoo in a matter of nanoseconds.
   OJ says, "I'll be the husband."
   The guy then says, "Okay then. Now get down on yo knees and suck yo wife's dick!!"

 22. Q: Why should OJ feel comfortable in prison?
   A: He's used to penetration up the middle and into the end zone !!

 23. Q: What did OJ's kids get him for a present?
   A: A shiny, new suicide watch!!

V. Miscellaneous Jokes

 1. Q: What do you get when you mix OJ Simpson, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, and Tonya Harding?
   A: Killer sex that will bring you to your knees!!

 2. Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject:
   Good prison names for O.J. Maybe that will get you started.

   Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote.

 3. Q: What does O.J. stand for?
   A:

   Obdurate Jerk          Objective Jury?       Obligatory Jokes
   Obsessively Jealous    Obstinate Jealousy    Obstreperous Journey
   Oh, Jailer!            Open Jugular          Orange Jumpsuit
   Out Joyriding          Outlaw Jock           Outlook: Jail
   Outta Job

 4. OJ is USC - Up S**t Creek...

 5. Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
      They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it. 
      If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career. 
      The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her.

      It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.

      The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left.

 6. Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?
   A: They are both missing a glove.

 7. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?
   A: Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids.

 8. Q: Have you heard about the new children's game?
   A: It's called "Where's O.J.?"

 9. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song?
   A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses.
   'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin
   'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden
   'The first cut is the deepest' by Rod Stewart
   'It cuts like a knife' by Bryan Adams
   'I Can't Drive ... 55 !!' by Sammy Hagar
   'Mack the Knife' by Bobby Darin
   'Love Hertz' by Nazareth
   'If you want to be happy for the rest of your life (Never make a pretty woman your wife)' by Jimmy Soul
   'My Way' by frank Sinatra
   'Backstabbers' by the O'Jays (who else??)
   '911 It's a Joke' by Public Enemy

 10. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group?
   A: Slayer
   Drivin' and Cryin'
   Suicidal Tendencies
   Public Enemy

 11. What is OJ's favorite movie?
   'Death Becomes Her'
   'The Terminator'
   'Heaven Can Wait'

 12. There once was a fellow named Simpson,
   Who ran away covered in crimson.
   After carving his wife,
   With a "substantial knife,"
   Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."

 13. Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night?
   A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one.

 14. Q: What are the three worst words to hear form O.J. Simpson?
   A: I love you.

 15. Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpso in the same room?
   A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.

 16. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special?
   A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs.

 17. Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently he was seen waiting to be seated at a local Denny's.

 18. Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?
   A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas.

 19. Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's ex-wife?
   A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.

 20. Q: What will Nicole Simpson be for Halloween?
   A: A PEZ dispenser.

 21. Q: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and O.J. Simpson?
   A: One's a numb digger...

 22. Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and O.J. Simpson?
   A: O.J. only ate one of his victims.

 23. Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife?
   A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it.

 24. Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?
   A: They both were arrested for abusing their loved ones.

 25. It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a victory lap around the city afterword.

 26. Q: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson?
   A: Your waiter will be with you shortly...

 27. A: Knock Knock.
   B: Who's there?
   A: O.J.
   B: O.J. Who?
   A: Congratulations! You've just made the jury!

 28. Q: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit OJ in prison?
   A: He told OJ that he should have had his girlfriend do it.

 29. Q: What did OJ say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan?
   A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard... Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck.

 30. There once was a sports legend named OJ,
   Whose old lady told him to go 'way.
   He slashed up his wife,
   With a 15 inch knife.
   And then led a parade on the freeway!!

 31. Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and John Bobbitt?
   A: OJ can still get off.

 32. Q: Why did OJ change his long-distance carrier from AT&T?
   A: Because he knew he had to Sprint!!

 33. Q: What are two things that OJ has that every man wants?
   A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

 34. Here's my favorite of today's bunch broadcast on Comedy Central:

   "If a former pro-football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford.

 35. Sarah Brady sent a letter to OJ:

   Dear OJ,
   I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun??

 36. Q: What did Rob say to Nicole when they got to heaven?
   A: "Here's your damn glasses!! Thanks a lot!!

 37. Q: What does OJ have in common with the statue of Venus DeMilo?
   A: Neither is considered armed any more.

 38. As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what OJ's lawyers will use as a defense:

   "Members of the jury, what can you expect?? He went to USC!"

 39. Q: What do OJ and Tampax have in common?
   A: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess!

 40. After looking all over LA, they finally found 12 people who have never seen OJ Simpson, never heard heard of OJ Simpson, and have no idea who or what OJ
   Simpson is or was. They're all professors at USC!!

 41. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
   A: It didn't want to get run over by a White Bronco!!

 42. Q: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson?
   A: Because she couldn't swallow!!

 43. Q: What were Ron Goldman's last words?
   A: "Say, aren't you OJ Simpson?" 
 44. Q: Why did OJ go to Nicole's house before he went to the airport?
   A: It was his last chance to split her uprights !!

 45. Q: What did OJ say to Jeffrey Dahlmer when they first met?
   A: Do you want a breast or a thigh?

 46. Q: Why was $10.000 and a passport found in Al Cowlings' Ford Bronco?
   A: He and OJ were originally heading to East LA ...

 47. Q: What do a basketball court and a judicial court have in common?
   A: The white folk sit on the bench !!

 48. Heard (in a Carnac routine) on the Howard Stern show:
   "In jail, on Fox, underground,... Where do you find the Simpson?

 49. From the Tonight Show a few days ago:
   "OJ went to the hospital for a biopsy. When the doctor pulled out his scalpel OJ said, "You call that a knife..."

 50. Q: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip?
   A: Squeezing OJ from a Bronco!!

 51. The jury selection in the OJ trial has begun. Rumor has it that potential jurors who weren't selected are being issued T-shirts that say, "OJ Reject - Didn't
   Make The Cut!"

 52. Q: Why didn't Nicole Simpson go out drinking with her friends after dinner?
   A: She wanted to go home and get ripped!!

 53. Imagine someone walking around with his hands together behind his back wiggling his fingers. That person then asks, "What is this?"
   Answer: OJ Simpson signing autographs!!

 54. Q: What did Nicole say to Ron on the phone when she called the restaurant?
   A: "It wouldn't kill you to bring over my glasses."

 55. Q: Why didn't Nicole's other boyfriends go down on her?
   A: Because they knew the Juice would kill them!

 56. Q: What was the last thing that Nicole said to OJ?
   A: Yeah, I'm screwing the waiter! What are you going to do about it?

 57. Q: Did you hear about the new Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor?
   A: It's called White Bronco: Vanilla with two chocolate-covered nuts inside!

 58. Al Cowlings: OJ, my man! haven't seen you in a while! How's Nicole?
   OJ: I think she's dead.
   AC: What do you mean you think she's dead?
   OJ: I dunno... the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink!


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