Date: Mon, 13 Aug 90 08:04:47 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Another file from Henry Cate III
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

  "At Hopkins, we have 50% pre-meds and 50% engineers.  This leaves 25% for
   us liberal arts people."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There were three work crews, each with engineers from Stanford, COrnell, and
RIT. Each crew were to install as many telephone poles as they could in one
day.
 At the end of the day, the foreman walks up to the Stanford Engineer. He
asks, "How many telephone poles did you put up?"
 "Twenty Seven" replies the Stanford Engineer.
 "Excellent!" exclaims the foreman, and he goes to the Cornell Engineer and
asks the same question.
 "Twenty three" replies the COrnell engineer.
 "Not bad!" acknowledges the foreman and he goes to the RIT engineer, and
again asks the question.
 "Three" was the answer.
 "You mean," said the surprised foreman, "That the others did twenty seven
and twenty three and you ony did three?"
 "Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  How many Argentinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  9000 and its *their* lightbulb
(Remember the Falklands?)
 
Q:  How many rock'n'rollers...
A:  5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know
    the guy who owns the socket.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From Lawrence Block, "When the Sacred Ginmill Closes"--
 
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to
   stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Now something to wonder about:
 
I ran across this cigarette lighter in a local convenient store
that had one of those wind shield things on it, to enable someone
to light the thing when it was windy out.  The thing was actually
adjustable for different wind speeds ie 10mph up to 80mph.  What
kind of jerk would stand in the middle of hurricane force winds
trying to light the damn thing anyhow and what genious engineer
designed this thing huh.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    I never realized how extensive technology has become.
    I have a VCR to record my TV shows, a timer to turn
    on my lights, and a combination radio-alarm-coffee
    maker.
    Yesterday, I called my answering machine.  It said,
    "Sorry Jay, we dont need you anymore". :-)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     "To be or not to be -- that is the square root of 4 B^2." -- Anon.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
      Q:  Why does fungus come in small groups?
 
      A:  Because there isn't Mushroom.
 
                (Boo Hiss)
 
       I'm sorry that was in Spore taste.
 
                (Boo Hiss)
 
       But I just can't help it if I'm such a Fungi.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There is a rumor that a recording of someone reading Satanic Verses is
being made.  There is another rumor that if you play the recording backwards,
you will hear the theme to Mr. Ed.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>From the Book of Lists, Vol ?? (from memory):
 
"Yogi Berra was rushed to the hospital after a baseball struck him in the
seventh. X-Rays of his head showed nothing"
 
"Having been on the bench for almost the entire season, XXX is anxious to play
in the worst possible way....and that's exactly what he's doing"
 
"A vicious uppercut...and the champ's broken his nose. Looks like the same
nose he broke last year"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Interesting Educational History from 1986 (a la Dave Barry)
 
June 14, 1986:
 
Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school district for
teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used to form dirty words.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
. . . there are no geniuses, we are all retarded with varying acting abilities.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I commend to your attention C.E. Hare's compendium The Language of Field Sports.
 
We all know that there is a special group noun for each animal -- a pride
of lions, a gam of porpoises, a swarm of locusts, and so on.  But how many
of us know (I swear I am not making these up) an exaltation of larks, an
ostentation of peacocks, or a business of ferrets?
 
. . . which is not to mention the special word for the young of each species,
the track or footprint of each species, the cry of each species (did you
know that a boar freams?), the excrement of each species (a hart leaves
 fewmets),
the verb for mating for each species, and so on and on and on.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Colloquium announcement:
 
    Research shows the first five minutes of life
    can be the most risky.
 
Hand-written note underneath:
 
    The last five minutes aren't so hot either.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
- See the fjords, eat the chocolate, just generally go Berzerk!!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Ever drive toward the N. J. Turnpike, and see the big yellow sign......
              SLOW DOWN
              GET TICKET
I wouldn't want to get a ticket for slowing down!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    In France, at one point, I saw a signpost that looked like:
              ALL DIRECTIONS --->
            <--- OTHER DIRECTIONS
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
               SPEED ZONE
or my favorite
                    NO LITTER
               $50 FINE
I make sure I always carry some litter around with me, JUST in case :-)
(The guy who came up with the wording for THAT one, must have come
from the "TONTO school of sign design".)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
               FINE FOR LITTERING
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You can also find:      DANGER
              SLOW PLANT CROSSING
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Hmmm.  Reminds me of Ogden Nash's program regarding the sign
            CROSS
           CHILDREN
             WALK
to which he adds, "Cheerful children ride."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
When I were in London, I saw a sign that just amused the hell outta me in
the Tube:
    'WAY OUT'
That's the "Exit" sign.  I dunno why I thought it was so funny.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Then there's the classic sign off of QE1 in Canada.
 
    Seldom Seen Road ===>
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A sign in NYC:
(They are official and I have seen quite a few of them on the streets of NYC!)
 
   DON'T EVEN THINK OF PARKING HERE!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Some town in Arkansas (hey, it was more than fifteen years ago and I
was in fifth grade -- it's tough to remember the details that long)
had a sign in one neighborhood that read:
 
           CAUTION
            STREET
              IS
                   MINED
 
To this day I've always wondered which of the possible meanings was
correct.  We sure didn't stick around long enough to find out!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
My uncle told me that when he first married my aunt, they decided to go on
a vacation. So off they went, driving down the freeway. Every once and a
while they would pass a sign that said "Litter Barrel ahead". After a few
hours my aunt couldn't stand it any more, so she asked, "Just where is this
town 'Litter Barrel' anyway?".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Or the Vietnamese guy, who must be running for some office in every city
because his name is on so many streets:
 
                       "Ped Xing"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
So.  Do   SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY grow up to becom SLOW MEN AT WORK?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Sign on Route 35, in Iowa, headed North:
 
      MINNESOTA AHEAD
    TAKE ALTERNATE ROUTE
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Well, I don't know, but I saw a sign on the freeway this morning that said,
 
    SURVEY PARTY AHEAD
 
but when I got there, there wasn't any music and they weren't even
serving drinks.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    My sisters were students at Lawrence University in Appleton Wis, and
    the sign on the exit from the highway to the school read like this:
 
              <- Appleton
 
              Freedom  ->
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In Oregon, there is a town called 'Dufur'.
 
So called because in the days when there used to be wagon trains, the
master would say at the end of the day, "I guess this will dufur the
day" and they would camp there.
 
Incidentally, the people of that town are known to say:
  Ask not what Dufur can do for you
  But rather what you can dufur Durfur!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Referring back to the funny city names last week, there's a town in Illinois
called Metropolis (of Superman fame) where the name of the paper is the Daily
Planet and they've erected a statue of Superman in the center of town.  The
town size, however, is well below the famed Metropolis, at under 10,000.  It's
the absolute truth though.  The town is in Southern Illinois.  My aunt grew up
there.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In a WWII prisoner of war camp, a new prisoner arrives and attends his first
camp entertainment meeting. An officer is on stage, reading out numbers, "23,
25, 27," each of which is greeted with peals of uproarious laughter.  Seeing
the bewilderment of the new prisoner, an old hand approaches him and explains
that the camp has so many old jokes, they decided to memorize and number tham
all.  Now, to save energy, all they need do is call out the number to tell the
joke.
 
Here is where the two versions differ:
 
1)  The new prisoner thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it for
himself.  "91, 54, 85," he calls out, as the room fills with hilarious
laughter.  "Very good!" compliments the old timer, "We've never heard *THOSE*
before!"
 
 
 
2)  The new prisoner thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it for
himself.  He memorizes all of the jokes, and is ready for the next
entertainment meeting.  He gets up on stage and begins to call out, "12, 34,
29," but, much to his dismay, the room remains silent.  The old timer
approaches him and says, "Son, it's not just the joke, it's how you tell it."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
                     How to Catch a White Elephant
                     =============================
                   Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
                          <C838216 AT NEUVM1>
 
Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
 
After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.
 
And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax).....
 
 
Chapter: Seven
Subject: The SBI Strikes Back
Some months later...
 
Luke was feeling rather bored. 3CPU could get to be rather irritating and RS232
didn't really speak Luke's language. Suddenly, Luke felt someone's eyes boring
through the back of his skull. He turned slowly to see...nothing. A quiet voice
came from somewhere in front of him.
 
"Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you." Luke froze, which was a good
thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't likely to be
particular about direction. Luke guessed that his odds of getting lost in the
dense tree structures were pretty good. Unfortunately, the Bookie wasn't
available.
 
"Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network interface is
totally undeveloped," the voice continued.  A small furry creature walked out
of the woods as Luke stared on. Whatever was peering at him was certainly small
and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come from Alpha Centauri.
 
"Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke. "Frobozz,
y'know. Morning, name's Modem. What's your game? Adventure? D&D? Or are you
just one of those Apple-pong types that hang around the store demonstrations?"
Luke closed his eyes. Perhaps if he couldn't see it, it wouldn't notice him.
 
"H'mm," muttered the creature. "Must use a different protocol. @@@H    @@
@($@@@H }"@G$ @#@@G'(o% @@@@@%%H(b ?"
 
"No, no," stammered Luke. "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent here to become a
UNIX wizard. Must have the wrong address."
 
"Right address," said the creature. "I'm a UNIX wizard. Device drivers a
specialty. Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?"
 
Luke eyed the creature cautiously. If this was what happened to system wizards
after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted anything to do
with it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar microcomputers of his
home. And wasn't virtual memory something that you got from drinking too much
Coke?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The following appeared in the April 16 edition of "Making It: A
Survival Guide for Today" by Keith Robinson:
 
             THE WARNING SIGNS OF COMPUTER ADDICTION
 
Case Study: Dave W.
 
"I was hip, trendy, happening.  I bought a computer because it looked
sexy on my desk at home.  I never intended to USE it.
 
"Then, for Christmas, my girlfriend gave me a special program to
catalog my compact discs."
 
        (picture of software box that reads:
                cdBASE+  Digital Index for your Digital Music)
 
"It took me a while to figure out how to use it, but soon I was
showing it off."
 
        (picture of Dave and friend; Dave says: "See?  I click on the
         Shirley MacLaine icon and it displays all my new age CDs!")
 
 
                   WARNING SIGN #1: BORING YOUR FRIENDS
 
 
"After a while, I noticed my way of thinking changed: I wanted
structure!  I sought new items for my database."
 
        (picture of Dave typing away: "Ties: 4 Burgundy, 8 Pink...")
 
 
              WARNING SIGN #2: MAKING EXCUSES TO USE COMPUTER
 
 
"Before long, I outgrew simply building lists.  I craved logic!  Flow!
 I found myself in a computer store, asking how to program!"
 
        (picture of "Nerds R Us" computer store, Dave says: "I need
         to know!")
 
 
                WARNING SIGN #3: HANGING OUT IN GEEK STORES
 
 
        (Picture of salesman speaking to Dave: "The C language is ideal
         since the machine-independent code is transportable to other systems
         simply by linking in new I/O routines!")
 
 
                   WARNING SIGN #4: YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT
 
 
"3 weeks later, I had finished my first program."
 
        (picture of Dave, saying: "It calculates tire rotation for the
         Volvo!")
 
"Before I knew it, I was staying up all night, programming."
 
        (picture of Dave; wife calls, "Come to bed..."; Dave replies,
         "One more compile!  Just one more!")
 
 
            WARNING SIGN #5: THINKING YOU CAN QUIT ANYTIME
 
 
"My personal appearance went downhill.  I didn't care.  My girlfriend
left.  I lost my job.  I didn't care.  I had become, yes, a free-lance
programmer!"
 
        (picture of disheveled Dave in disheveled office, eating a
         Domino's pizza, answering phone: "Hello, this is Red Eye
         Software...")
 
        (picture of a person walking up to Dave, who is programming
         away; person says: "Dave, I'm from the Nolan Bushnell
         Computer Rehabilitation Center.  With a brief hospital stay
         and minor shock therapy, we can break your addiction and..."
 
         Dave: "Buzz off, doofus.  I cleared $2 million last year."
         Dave (to phone): "Yeah, Woz, I finished that fax
         interface:)
