Subject: Usenet Personals: Advice for Gays FAQ (Part 1 of 2)
Supersedes: <personals/gayfaq/part1_827545503@rtfm.mit.edu>
Date: 2 Apr 1996 15:21:26 GMT
Summary: This three-part posting contains a list of Frequently Asked
         Questions by users of Usenet personal ads.  Its primary target
         is the alt.personals.* newsgroup hierarchy, but it is appropriate
         to any Usenet personals groups.  It is intended primarily for
         gay males, but others may benefit.
X-Last-Updated: 1996/02/12

Posting-Frequency: bi-weekly
Version: 1.1

                   ===========================================

THE NOT-SO-STRAIGHT FAQ:  One gay male's thoughts and advice on successful
use of Usenet personals.

by Fred Young, with Dean Esmay

First draft:  August 17, 1995
Second draft: September 7, 1995
Third draft:  January 31, 1995

This entire document is Copyright 1995 by Dean Esmay and Fred Young.
Permission is hereby granted to make and distribute verbatim copies
of this document provided the copyright notice and this permission
notice are preserved on all copies, and that all copies are reprinted
in full and without modification.

To discuss permission for other forms of copying or reprinting,
please write to Fred Young and Dean Esmay at fredyng@alpha.c2.org and
esmay@syndicomm.com.

                   ===========================================

NOTE FROM DEAN ESMAY, AUTHOR OF THE STRAIGHT FAQ:

When I wrote the first edition of THE STRAIGHT FAQ, a popular document
to help men and women meet each other online, it was much shorter
than the version currently in circulation.  More than half of that
document was taken up with advice for men on how to deal with the
apparent shortage of women, and on how a man could attract a woman's
attention in a crowded field, with some supplemental info for women
on how to deal with the opposite problem.  Thus it was called "The
Straight FAQ", because obviously gay people would not care about disparity
in numbers between men and women, and would not care about advice on
how to attract the opposite sex, some of which probably wouldn't apply
to gay people, or would be just different enough to make my advice wonky or
nonsensical.  However, I was always open to having someone with
experience in the gay community help me write a FAQ for gay people, and after
many months of asking online for someone to help, Fred Young finally
stepped forward.

Fred's done a remarkable job here; sometimes, by changing only a very
few words, he manages to take something I wrote take on a whole new
meaning.  He also does a great job of seamlessly snipping out stuff
that I wrote that isn't relevent, while continuing with the same
narrative flow.  Indeed, there are places where I can't tell where my
words end and Fred's begin.

As with The Straight FAQ, this FAQ has some limitations.  It is written
to help gay men, but it doesn't speak to lesbians, who undoubtedly
could use much of this advice, but for whom some advice may apply
differently, and for whom other advice we haven't thought of here might
be appropriate.

Similarly, we can't address things like those with an interest in S&M,
bondage, bestiality, threesomes, etc.  Trying to address every
possible permutation of human matings is simply impossible.  But my
hope is that people who want serious monogamous relationships find
use of this FAQ, or The Straight FAQ.  I will also say that if anyone
wants to do a FAQ for lesbians, bisexuals, or whatever, I'll be happy
to lend my support; just shoot me a note and we'll talk.

With that, I'll let you move on to read Fred Young's excellent Not So
Straight FAQ.  If you have any comments or questions, please feel
free to write either Fred or myself (fredyng@alpha.c2.org and/or
esmay@syndicomm.com).

Otherwise, enjoy!

Dean Esmay
7 September 1995

                   ===========================================

I first began using Usenet personals back in early 1995.  After
experimenting with traditional newspaper advertisements, I thought
I would try this as a new way of meeting people.  Most newspapers have
done away with the traditional mailbox-type ads in favor of 976 and 900
services which, in my opinion, are too expensive.

Upon reading Dean Esmay's STRAIGHT FAQ, a FAQ with advice for
non-gays, I contacted him to see if he wished to incorporate certain
information in his FAQ for gay people, mainly with suggestions on how
heterosexuals and homosexuals may share the alt.personals.*
newsgroups without getting in each others' way. After a brief
discussion, we decided to write this NOT-SO-STRAIGHT FAQ.  You will
find many similarities between this document and the original
STRAIGHT FAQ.

Please note that this FAQ is written by a gay male for gay men.  It may
apply to those who are bi or lesbian, but I don't feel qualified to
comment on it.  There are probably issues to lesbians and bisexuals
(or other groups) which neither Mr. Esmay nor I are qualified to
comment upon.  But I think much of this will apply universally. 
Perhaps some time someone can help us to create FAQs for other
groups. I do suggest that heterosexuals reference Dean Esmay's
original STRAIGHT FAQ, instead of this document.

Any suggestions, criticisms, comments, questions, or proposed
additions on this FAQ should be sent via e-mail to Dean Esmay at
esmay@syndicomm.com.

So anyway, let's get started, shall we?

 -=-=-=-=-

Q: DOES ANYONE EVER MEET ANYONE FROM HERE?  IS THIS FOR REAL OR WHAT?

A: Absolutely.  Since I posted my first ad earlier this year, I have
met five men face-to-face as a direct result of ads posted online. 
Whether these meetings will turn into anything serious is besides the
point, these were very nice gentlemen with whom I'm still on friendly
terms.  And all this doesn't count the dozens of men from around the
world with whom I've traded e-mail or talked on the phone.

My own long-term goal is to find a committed, monogamous relationship.
In the short term I'm happy just to meet and get to know new people,
and this method has worked very well for me so far.  Yes, it really does
happen, and it's not that tough.  I'm not rich, I'm not a bodybuilder,
and I'm no Marlboro man.  I'm just an average, ambitious guy, and I've
met some terrific people this way.  And I know I'm not alone, because
I've heard success stories from all sorts of other folks.  Yes, it DOES
HAPPEN, and much of this FAQ is devoted to helping you figure out how
to make it happen FOR YOU.


Q: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE ADS FOR SEX?  IS THAT ALL ANYONE IS LOOKING
FOR?

A: Some people post ads looking for sex.  If that's what you're
looking for, great.  I have no advice for you other than "be
careful."  However, the fact is that there are TONS of people who are
looking for much more than that.  It is for those of us who are
looking for something more meaningful that this FAQ is dedicated. 
Don't let all the sex ads fool you; such people aren't really the
majority of Usenet personals users, though sometimes it may appear
that way.


Q: ARE ALL THE MEN WHO USE USENET PERSONALS DESPERATE, FAT, UGLY,
OR COMPUTER NERDS?

A: From personal experience, I can give you a definite "no" to this
one.  At least, I don't THINK I am any of the above.

There are many reasons for people to use Usenet personals.  It may
be that he can't meet guys any other way.  But it may also be that
he is really gorgeous and wants a chance to meet a guy who'll get to
know him BEFORE finding out what he looks like.  It may be that he's
shy - some of us might not want to admit it, but some men are shy
too.  It may be that he has a busy career and has no other good way
of meeting people.  It may be that he's got kids and doesn't have
much chance to get out.  It may be that he is highly intelligent and
has a hard time finding intelligent men in his everyday life.  It may
be that he's stuck in the middle of nowhere with few indentifiable gay
men around.  Maybe he's just trying this for the fun of it to see what
happens.  Or maybe he just likes computers.

There are many good reasons to personals groups on Usenet.  There's
nothing at all weird about using something like this.


Q: WHAT DO ALL THESE DAMNED ABBREVIATIONS LIKE "ISO" AND "SWM" AND
"G*M" and "SWCF" MEAN?

A: Not everyone uses these abbreviations, but, they are a common
shorthand for indicating marital status, race, sex, religion, and a
few other common things. The most prominently used ones include:

S = Single
D = Divorced
M = Married
W = Widowed (rare)

J = Jewish
C = Christian

W = White
B = Black
A = Asian (oriental)
H = Hispanic

M = Male
F = Female

G = Gay
Bi = Bisexual
Bi-Curious - Someone curious about bisexuality and thinking about
giving it a try.

* = Any

The positioning works as follows: First marital status or sexual
preference, then race, then religion (if any given), then sex. 
Usually what you get is three, such as:

SWM - "Single White Male"
SWF - "Single White Female"
GWM - "Gay White Male"
GAM - "Gay Asian Male"

An M or a W are usually used to indicate marital status.  In this case
they are always in the first position:

MHM - Married Hispanic Male
WWF - Widowed White Female

Religious affiliation is fairly rare, but when you do see it, it
usually comes just after, or sometimes before racial type:

SWCF - Single White Christian Female
SCWF - Single Christian White Female

For whatever reason, Judaism and Christianity are the only religions
commonly abbreviated at this time; if you're of another religion, I
suggest not trying to abbreviate, as you'll probably just confuse
people.

Sometimes you'll just see "GM" or "SM" for Gay Male or Single
Male.  This means the person doesn't want to indicate race.  You
may also see something like "G*M" or "S*M".  This is just another way
of saying race is irrelevent to the person.

Other abbreviations you might see include:

ISO = In Search Of
FTA = Fun, Travel, and Adventure
LTR = Long-term Relationship
Soulmate = Someone I can be completely intimate with who will be with
me forever and ever, my perfect mate, my special lover and friend for
life.

Here's common things you'll see:

GWM ISO G*M for FTA

(Gay White Male In Search Of Fun/Travel/Adventure with Gay Male of
any race.)

WWF seeks soulmate.

(Widowed White Female seeks special mate-for-life.)

Finally, all of these are often concatenated with age and/or
location, such as:

TORONTO DWM, 42, ISO GWM, 25-40

(Divorced White Male, 42 years old, living in Toronto and In Search Of
 aGay White Male, age 25 to 40.)

Not everyone uses these abbreviations, but a lot of people do, because
they make it easy for people to spot you and know if you're at least in
the ballpark of what they're looking for.  You may see variations on
these abbreviations that you don't recognize, but usually you can figure
it out from context once you get the trick of it.


Q: HOW DO I WRITE MY OWN AD?

Ah, there's a whole lot to be said here, and the advice can vary a
lot.  I'll concentrate on general advice for the moment, and on what
I personally think:

There is NOTHING more frustrating for the personals user than to
spend ten minutes reading an ad that sounds very interesting, only to
find out near the end that the person wants someone of a different
age, or body type, or that the person lives much too far away to
think about a relationship with.

So, do yourself and everyone else a favor and START EVERY AD WITH THE
BASICS ABOUT YOURSELF.  The basics include:

        A) Your SEX
        B) Your AGE
        C) WHERE you LIVE
        D) Your RACE
        E) What you are BASICALLY LOOKING FOR

And the best place to put all this is IN YOUR SUBJECT LINE.  It saves
an ENORMOUS amount of time for EVERYBODY.

Some people are big fans of cute and creative subject line.  For
example:

CUTIE SEEKS MUTANT.  LET'S TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!

Now this is pretty funny, and pretty clever.  Unfortunately, if this
happens to be from a White Female, aged 42, who only wants black men
in their 40s in Boston, I'm going to waste a lot of time reading this
ad, because I'm not straight, I'm not black, I'm under 40, and I don't
live anywhere near Boston!  Why not make it easy on me and start with:

Bostonian SWF, 42, ISO SBM, 40-50, for romance

Then make the first line of your ad say:  "I'm a cutie looking for
a mutant, so we can take over the universe!"  Another example might
be:

Bostonion Cutie seeks Mutant (SWF, 42, ISO SBM 40-50 for romance)

By making sure your subject line contains your basic information, you
will be doing everybody else a favor.  It will also be doing YOURSELF a
favor, because it will make people who might be interested in you have
a MUCH easier time actually spotting you!

More on the subject line in Part III of this FAQ.

-=-=-

All right, you've given a nice, concise, descriptive title to your
message.  Now you need to put some thought into the ad itself.  The
general advice I can give there is:

A) DON'T RUSH.  You have plenty of time to write this.  Make it good.

B) PUT SOME EFFORT INTO SPELLING & PUNCTUATION, and try not to
ramble.  You want to make a good impression.

C) BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU DON'T WANT.  If you're
picky about something, it's better to say so in your ad than to let
someone down later. "Please, if you're overweight, don't respond" may
seem cruel or thoughtless, but if that's the way it is for you, SAY
SO.  It is NOT kind or polite to avoid saying what you do not want, it
is actually VERY CRUEL, because you can then build up hopes in someone
who really has no chance.

What's better, disappointing someone BEFORE they waste their time
getting to know you, or after they've gotten to know you and maybe want
to be with you?

D) BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE.  Lies will only get you in trouble
later.

E) DO YOUR BEST TO BE TOTALLY SINCERE.  Insincerity frequently shows,
even if you're not aware of it.  True sincerity usually shines
through and is much more attractive to most people.

F) BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS.  Don't harp on them, but
man, avoid discomfort for yourself and others and just let 'em know
up front who and what you are and are not.  Saying you don't want
long-term committment, or that you're overweight, or that you have
kids, or that you have bad skin, or that you have no fashion sense,
or whatever, will be lots better than getting close to someone who
finds out later and wishes they hadn't bothered with you.

G) TAKE AS MUCH SPACE AS YOU NEED.

This last one is an issue on which there is some disagreement.  The
general FAQ for alt.personals advises posters to keep messages short
and to the point, and to try to keep them to one screenful.

These days, most people have very cheap internet access.  Even for
those who don't, most have news reading software which will let them
screen the subject lines and note the length of an article before
downloading it. Don't set out to write a book, but remember: space is
cheap, and the one way in which Usenet personals are much better than
newspapers is that YOU CAN TAKE AS MUCH SPACE AS YOU NEED.

There is no better way to give an impression of who you are and what
you're like than by taking your time and trying to write something
that really tells who you are, what you want out of life, and what
you're looking for.  Your writing style will tell people a lot about
you, too.

I have had dozens of responses and a good number of positive
face-to-face meetings, and I always take a lot of space to describe
both myself and what I'm looking for.  I've also found that long ads
are a good way to sift out people of low intelligence or short
attention spans.

On the other hand you want to try not to be too long either. If you
ramble too much, or make a huge shopping list of everything you want
and don't want, you're going to bore people or come across as
demanding and picky.  It's a fine line to tread; if your ad is too
short, it doesn't say enough and you're ignored; if it's too long,
you bore people and are ignored.  So, you have to do your best to
avoid both extremes.

If you want a general rule of thumb, shoot for a length of 2-5
screenfuls.  But if you want the REAL rule, it's this:  write just
exactly as much as you think you need to say everything you need to
say, and not one word more than that.


Q: OKAY, BROTHER, THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD.  BUT HOW ABOUT SOME
SPECIFIC TIPS FOR GAY MEN?

A: Glad you asked.

Okay men, we have a small problem.  Straight men outnumber any
other group in the general alt.personals.* newsgroups.  Later in
this FAQ, I will shed a few ideas on how we may better identify
ourselves in the postings to save everybody time.

Men are generally more inclined to post ads than women, and this
includes gay men.  But for those who are very closeted, even through
anonymous servers, it might be extremely difficult and nerve wrecking
to even think of posting an ad... but many of these same people will
respond to YOUR ad if they see it.  It is thus always worthwhile to
post your own ad, because it greatly increases your likelihood of
meeting others.  Muster up the courage and just do it!

And when you DO post an ad, try to keep the following in mind:

1) Follow all the advice I have given above.  That's all very
important.

2) Don't sound desperate.  The old rule is very true:  the harder
you look for a boyfriend, the harder one will be to find.  Be patient,
and avoid sounding pathetic, excessively horny, or desperate.  IT WILL
NOT HELP.

3) Be patient.  One ad may net you no responses at all.  If you're
extremely lucky, you may get as many as a dozen responses.  More
likely, you will get from one to three.

4) Be prepared to post your ad again.  Do NOT expect one ad to get
you lots of responses.  Instead, prepare yourself for a bit of a
wait.  Post your ad once, and see what happens.  Wait a couple of
weeks, and post it again.  You may want to "tweak" or fine tune it
each time you re-post it.  If you aren't getting many responses, you
may want to re-write it.  But in any case, keep posting it until you
get a response.

The readership of Usenet personals groups, especially of the
alt.personals.* hierarchy, changes on a regular basis.  Some people
only come in once in a while, some may only come in once every few
months, some may come in only once ever!  Even regular readers may
not notice your ad the first few times they see it.

The thing to remember is that the audience is NOT static.  There is a
constant influx of new people, and there's a constant outflow, too. 
So, while you may not find anyone at first, if you're patient
and you keep at it, chances are very good you'll eventually get some
nibbles.

5) Don't post your ad too often.  This may seem a contradiction, but
it's not.  If people see ad after ad from you, you may look desperate
or stupid.  At the very least, you'll be annoying people.  Also, it
can take as long as two weeks for a message to be completely
distributed to all Usenet sites--again, have patience!

TO SUM IT ALL UP: write a good, creative, intelligent, and thoughtful
ad that's specific about what you do and don't want.  Take all the
space you need to get it right, but no more; whether it's two
paragraphs or 20 pages, make sure it reflects on who you really are
and what you really want.  Remember that too long is as bad as too
short.  Post it every couple of weeks, tweaking it now and then, and
trying various experiments to see what works and doesn't.  Be patient
and Mr. Right will be along sooner or later to talk to you.


Q.  HE WROTE ME HE WROTE ME HE WROTE ME!!  OMIGOD WHAT DO I DO?

A.  Simmer down.  All the gentleman did was think your ad was
interesting and send you some e-mail.  He's not ready to jump into
your arms.  He's just given you a nibble.  It's up to both of you to
make it work from here.  And remember, if this doesn't work out,
there WILL be others, if you have a good ad and are just patient!

Here are some important things to remember:

Don't question it:  he IS interested in you, or he wouldn't have
answered your ad.  So, get over your insecurities.  He's a gay (or bi)
man looking for a man, and you sound interesting to him.  Now you just
have to see whether you're interested in him, and whether there's
enough of what he wants in you to sustain his interest.

But here's the important thing:  BE PATIENT.  Yeah, once you get a
response, you have to be patient AGAIN.

DON'T push to get his phone number.  DON'T push for a face-to-face
meeting.  DON'T whine about your personal problems.

Instead, be positive, be friendly, and be polite.  Ask him about
himself, and tell a bit more about yourself.  "Listen" to what he
wants.  Ask him questions.  Encourage him to ask you about anything
he might be curious about.  Find out about him without being nosy --
don't ask for his address.

DON'T pester him with lots of e-mail.  If he takes a couple of days to 
respond to one of your letters, sit on your fingers and WAIT.  If it's
been more than three or four days, you might try ONE letter to the
effect of "hey, where'd you go?" but that's IT.  If you don't hear
anything more, either he doesn't want to talk to you, or he's not
reading his e-mail anymore.

Keep this in mind:  it's scary to go away for a few days and to come
back and find a dozen plaintive, "Oh, where oh where did you go?"
letters.  It just makes you look desperate and weird.

All in all, the most important thing to remember in this situation is
that it is EASY TO SCARE SOMEONE AWAY, especially if he is not
completely comfortable about his sexual preference.  If he thinks you're a
weirdo, or a psychotic, or a pathetic, lonely loser, he's going to
walk away.  (And by the way, if you ARE a pathetic, lonely loser,
STOP IT.  Find something else to do with your time and realize that
the only way you're going to get a partner is if you stop assuming
you'll never get one.)

Now, besides all this, you need to remember something even more
important:  you BOTH need time for a relationship to develop, so you
actually have something to talk about when finally you do meet. 
Rushing to meet someone and suddenly finding you have nothing to talk
about can be very uncomfortable.

If you are an impatient guy, you might as well not bother posting. 
You'll get nowhere.


Q: I POSTED MY AD OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND NEVER GOT MUCH RESPONSE. 
WHAT GIVES?

A: There are several things to look at.  First off, your ad may not
be very good.  Consider re-writing it.  Ask friends, or others in
alt.personals, if they have any criticisms or can help you improve
it.

On the other hand, if you live somewhere that isn't in or near a large
population center, you may have real trouble.  On the gripping hand,
you're no worse off in alt.personals than anywhere; if you live
somewhere without a lot of people, then you're going to have trouble
meeting people no matter WHAT method you use.  Just think of this as
just one more way of meeting people (among many others), be patient
and do your best.


Q: ANYTHING I SHOULD LOOK OUT FOR?

...continued in part II...
