               'Y                    
               'Y 'Y   'Y             'Y   'Y 
                'Y     'Y             'Y   'Y 
    BLaH        'Y     'Y          'Y   'Y 
    File        'Y    'Y        'Y   'Y'Y'Y        Written August 3rd, 1992 
    #009        'Y  'Yig 'Yong  'Y 'Ynd 'Y   'Yairy 
                'Y  'Y   'Y    b    'Y   'Y   'Y 
                'Y    'Y'Y  ᚚb  'Y   b 
                 
                         Presents 
                                                 
        "101 Ways To Kill or Maim a Senior Citizen" 
       3                    by                     3 
                         Chessman 
                                                 
 
{----------------------------------------------------------------------} 
 
1.  Beat them silly with their walking stick 
2.  Take away their Clapper 
3.  Put a rabid rat in their pink fluffy slippers 
4.  Put spikes on the seat of their wheelchair 
5.  Put cyanide in their tea bags 
6.  Strap two huge speakers to their head and play Megadeath until their 
    head explodes 
7.  Tell them that huge electrical thing is their bathroom 
8.  Push them into the oven when they're making dinner 
9.  Float a poisonous frog in their oatmeal 
10.  Tell them that the little red sign says "WALK" 
11.  Cut their hair <Remember Sampson?> 
12.  Feed them clay, while assuring them that it IS squash 
13.  Make them sit on the wing of the plane 
14.  Clip some jumpers to your engine and tell them to hook the cables  
     to their ears 
15.  Tell them Orville Reddenbacher is younger and better looking 
16.  "Don't worry Grandma, I'll hold the ladder...." 
17.  Tell them you need to give them an autopsy for a school report 
18.  Put their head in the fan and tell them they're at the beauty parlor 
19.  Wheel them right into the deep end of the pool 
20.  Sell them to science 
21.  Take Wheel of Fortune off the air 
22.  Put them in the moving van with the rest of the "antiques" 
23.  Ask them if they want to go out in the snow, and make them into a  
     snowman 
24.  Put out a contract on them 
25.  Make them go to Mexico City and drink the water 
26.  Buy a pit bull and make them scratch its tummy 
27.  "A little farther grandma.. there's a sand bar out there somewhere..." 
28.  Replace their fiber with heroine 
29.  Convince them it was their fault the "where's the beef" lady died 
30.  Next time their thirsty put the hose in their mouth and turn it on 
     full blast 
31.  Put them in a box and give them to the UPS guy as a gift 
32.  Tell them the roof is a slide 
33.  Convince them it IS safe to bungee jump with dental floss 
34.  Incite a riot at the local bingo parlor 
35.  Tell them to answer the iron 
36.  Stab them with a pitchfork while they work in the garden 
37.  Introduce them to Jeffery Dahmer 
38.  "You stand here and tell me if the headlights work..." 
39.  Strangle them with their Depends 
40.  Put them on a pair of Rollerblades and push them down the highway 
41.  Stick a battery onto a stick and tell them it's a lollipop  
42.  Push them into some quicksand 
43.  Feed then Indian food 
44.  Have the Keebler Elves repeatedly assualt them 
45.  Open a window and tell them their room is through there 
46.  Give them to a group of bikers in exchange for a k-rad Harley Davidson 
     sticker 
47.  "My bazooka's clogged.  Will you look in and see what's wrong..."   
48.  Give them a stick of dynamite and say it's a candle 
49.  Give them a banana and when they open their mouth shove it in and choke 
     them 
50.  Put them on the swing and push it REAL high 
51.  Ask them if they want to play jacks and when they grab the ball, pick 
     up the jacks and throw them in their eyes 
52.  Set up Monopoly and insist that you be the thimble 
53.  Wallpaper them to the wall and leave them there until they stop kicking 
54.  "I bet you can't stick your hand into the paper shredder..." 
55.  Stick them with pins  
56.  Have them stand under an apple tree and shake it real hard so they get 
     pelted by falling apples 
57.  Convince them your little brother will only love them if they go down  
     the chimney on their way inside 
58.  Knock them into the head of the mafia as he leaves the courthouse 
59.  Put them in a nursing home 
60.  Put them on the barbeque after telling them it will kill their warts 
61.  Place each of their fingers into a pencil sharpener 
62.  Send them to training camp with the Bears 
63.  Dress them up like Rodney King and have them speed along in front of the  
     police station 
64.  Tell them a bull really is a gentle creature 
65.  Test their elasticity by putting them on a stretching rack 
66.  Make them drink acrylic paint while telling them it's from the fountain 
     of youth 
67.  Take them to the gas station and hold their nose saying, "I don't want 
     you to take in any fumes," and when they open their mouth to breathe 
     stick the gas thing in and push it. 
68.  Roll them up and smoke them 
69.  Dress up like Peter Pan and tell them they can fly but only from really 
     high places 
70.  Leave them out in the sun and watch them dehydrate 
71.  Take them on safari and push them into a den of lions 
72.  Squirt them with acid 
73.  Have them breathe pure radon 
74.  Send them to Chernobyl for a summer get away 
75.  Tell them the best stores are on Three Mile Island 
76.  Have them sit on a cactus 
77.  Put a set of horns on them and push them into a field of Buckmasters 
78.  Put their tongue in a light socket 
79.  Take away their glasses and put them in a room covered with sharp  
     objects 
80.  Lay a mattress across railroad tracks and put them there 
81.  Claim they're possessed by demons and remove they're stomach and feet 
82.  Cut off their legs and make a hat 
83.  Make them into a cool, frosty slurpy 
84.  Tie them to a camel and have it walk off 
85.  Waltz with them until they turn into butter 
86.  Send them in a boat to get an eye-witness account of a tropical storm 
87.  Put a straw in their nostrils and suck the life right out of them 
88.  Play baseball with their head 
89.  Practice for your Biology final on them 
90.  Give them thermite instead of Metamucil 
91.  Put a bomb in their hair-nets 
92.  Sweep up a slaughter house with them 
93.  Make them move the piano into the garage... and then move it back 
94.  Kick them with wooden shoes 
95.  Push them off the high dive into an empty pool 
96.  Flick cigarette butts at them until they go insane 
97.  Put a live lobster in their underwear 
98.  Pack them into a nuclear bomb and drop them somewhere in the USSR 
99.  Beat them to a bloody pulp with a hammer 
100.  Light their hair on fire 
101.  Put tapeworms in their dentures 
 
        Wow!  It's a real testament to the human spirit that I finshed that. 
After 47 I just ran out of ideas, which probably shows by the last few....  
Nevertheless I hope you enjoyed this Za/\/y BLaH release as much as I 
enjoyed making it. 
 
{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz 0.90 says "7600 Bytes Total"--------------} 
 
BLaH, as of now, is:                         REMEBER 
Chessman                                     ------- 
Guido Sanchez                   If it says BLaH, it probably isn't... 
 
"Whenever I hear the name Guido Sanchez, 
I have to laugh, because who is that guy?" 
                     -Chessman 
 
{--The Wall..anything on the WEST is pure, the EAST is evil---------------} 
So which side are we on? 
 