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Smothered Hope by Obscure Images >>> a cDc publication.......1990 <<< -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- ______________________________________________________________________________ I just don't want to know anymore life shifts up and down everybody knows it's wrong it's not in the rhyme or reason so it goes with every season crawl to top fall through bottom first hand love is really rotten -Skinny Puppy, "Smothered Hope" Diary of Peter Barren November 1st 1992 Picture this: a smoking gun, a flattened reality where nothing can happen. I can picture this place, I wish I were there. The path of life always ends at the barrel of a metaphoric gun. The time that was spent with you was the best time of my life, the time since you left has been hell. There is nothing that is worth doing anymore, there is no one worth looking at anymore. I just can't understand why my life was hinged to a single person. Perhaps there is a form of causality that says that once I hook up to someone I am perpetually hooked. A soul that is handcuffed to another soul, one wanting to break free or get closer, but perpetually failing on both counts. I walked through the gardens again today. I went by myself to think about what could have been. I was the only one by myself. Everyone else was bonded at the wrists in pairs. This is not fucking fair. I thought that the world would let me find some peace of mind, but it only rubs sulfur into the wounds. It was my fault for returning to the gardens, I should have known that all I would find there is love. Fuck them all anyway. Who needs love I say, I sure fucking don't. A lie is a lie is a lie, or so they say. It is a momentary comfort to pretend that I don't need anyone else. Nobody is more needy in the department of human compassion then I. The man alone even amongst his friends. The friends around him dancing through the motions of the sexual politic. One dances by herself intermingling with the rest of us, her dance is built around a step of deceit. A lie to herself and to the rest, rings of infidelity bind the dancer to the watchers. A search for compassion and companionship that nobody can blame her for, yet one has to be curious about. A tie that chokes her and pulls her strings to make her dance is made of spider web. A simple pull of the chain and it would release her, yet she prefers to choke and draw others into her web of intrigue. It makes me laugh sometimes, I cry on other occasions. Here I sit, a year after I was last at the gardens, wondering about the bad times that have passed over me. I've changed since then. No longer am I the bumbling sentimental fool I was, now I am the opposite. I have my emotions under control as well as the rest of me. Some people have called me names for the way I am now, because of the choices I have made, but I know I'm right. If it weren't for the hypernormalization of my being I would be dead right now. My friends still dance the dance, but I'm no longer emotionally involved. They can flirt with lies and cruelty without me, I am not whole, yet I am stable. People that haven't seen me in a year don't recognize me at all. My parents were hard pressed to tell me from a stranger on the road. The new me is trim and rigid. No more curvature for this person, only edges, sharp edges, don't try to touch me now. My black hair and vaguely cruel features complement the monochrome greyness I wear. For the first time in years I can see grand plans and actually believe that they are more then dreams. The flamboyancy of my youth is still inside me, and it escapes through my fingers and hands, but I control it now. It doesn't control me anymore. A small problem, however, I met a girl today who I really like. I can't afford to like someone more than casually, I think I will have to get rid of her. November 15th 1992 Oh shit. I think I'm in trouble. Jane is breaking through my defenses. A years worth of work and that bitch is making me care about her. The world is a shitty place. I finally get myself together, and then a complication is introduced... never can be easy, can it? I have to get a grip on myself now, the defense is strong, there will be no involvement other then friendly. I've seen her every day since we met, I think that she likes me for more then what I am offering. Maybe I could fuck her, I haven't had sex for so long I don't remember what it was like. No, sex would introduce more pressure than I could handle. Still, she is a really great girl. She isn't like the others, she doesn't lie to me, she doesn't pretend to like me, she doesn't want any of my cash. She would be the perfect girl for me. Oh hell, I can't think about this anymore, I've got to go out with her tonight. We'll see what happens. In other news, I went out with Jane and some of my other friends last night. Things are supposedly getting rough for them, nothing particularly new in that. They were in rough straits when I met them 4 years ago, it really makes me sick to see them still together, she would be so much better without a asshole like him. Life is life, I imagine they'll get married eventually. I have a long running bet with my friend Tom that they will and they'll be perfectly miserable together. Tom wouldn't bet more then a quarter cause he knows he is gonna lose. Oh shit, I gotta run. November 30th 1992 A lot has happened since I wrote in here the last time. I think that my whole idea of detaching myself from the world was a good idea for recovering from the situation I was in, but now it is no longer needed. Jane is a goddess, we are officially "seeing" each other, what a stupid way of saying it. We are having a great time with each other. I can't say that I am in love just yet, but I do have to admit that I am getting closer to it every day. I've stopped wearing just grey, at least partially. I let Jane talk me into going shopping with her, and she bought me a whole bunch of really cool stuff. It's kinda cool having a rich girlfriend, but I'd still like her just as much if she didn't have lots of money. Other things have pushed me to great happiness, things so great that I don't know how much longer I can pretend to grimness around my old friends. The evil boyfriend whose very name I hate with my entire soul finally did the first good thing he ever did. He died in a car crash on his way to see us. I was pleasantly shocked when I heard the news, but I had more important things to think of at the time. I've had to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend, I still love her after all this time, so I have to pretend to grieve so I can get her back on her feet again. She doesn't understand that his death has set her free, maybe she will never understand. Who knows. When I leave her to grieve in private I have to run outside so I can scream with delight, the dancing is done, the fucker is 6 feet under. I think that in a couple months I will go piss on his grave if I still care to bother. December 10th 1992 I'm at home with my parents for Christmas break. Jane came home with me, she'll be staying until the 20th. None of my friends are in a festive mood except me. I suppose it could be the fact that none of them are seeing people at the moment, for a while I feel a sort of sadistic pleasure in acting cute with Jane in front of them, sort of in repayment for all of the times that they did it to me. After enough to get them kinda pissed we back off, after all I really do love the grim lot even if sometimes I get pissed off at 'em. Grades came in the mail today, and I'm happy to say that I did really well this last semester. The world is a great place. Since her boyfriend died, Mary has been depressed, I suppose that a beaten dog still cares about its master. She'll get over it. Before Christmas-time she was starting to get better, we went out and had a good time the night before we came home for break. Oh well, it's the holidays, everyone gets depressed on holidays. January 23rd 1993 Christmas was great, that is all I have to say about that. I'm writing in here less and less. No time for this shit anymore really. I've got a lot of work to do this semester. Jane moved in with me after break, it's really cool living with her. She doesn't make me do anything I don't want to do and that's wild. It's not at all like my mother. I paid Tom his quarter, he laughed but told me that I was completely tactless. Mary is doing cool now, she's pretty happy for the most part, but there are days, mostly around "that" time that she starts acting like a widow for that late dumbfuck. I avoid her around those times, it only brings back memories I don't want. Jane thinks that I should start working on the book I was talking about to her. Maybe I will when I get some free time. Jane and I are pretty happy now, the sex is great, thank god for that new sterility drug I got. No babies around me, not a fucking chance. May 23rd 1993 I hate the world. I hate everything in the fucking world. I hate all women. I wish I was dead. She just fucking left, she left me for this fucker that is like the reincarnation of Mary's dead boyfriend. The world is a very cruel place, I imagine it is just repayment for being happy at his death. The fucker ruined my life while he was alive, and now the fucker is doing it again even after he is dead. Mary has been a big help to me, she got the knife away from me last week before I hurt myself. I've been suicidal since she left me, Mary and Tom have been staying with me since then. They've gone out to a movie or something. Tom is going out with Mary now, I suppose I am glad for them, even if I don't want to. I wish I knew why Jane dumped me. I thought we were happy, she never complained. She told me that she left me because we were getting too close and that she wanted to see other people for a while. That's bullshit, every guy knows that when it comes to "seeing other people for a while" time it is all over with. Fucking whores, I hate them I hate myself, SHIT! I let her dismantle me. I should have known, you let your guard down for a fucking minute and they rip your soul to shreds. I just took a handfull of valium, so I think that I'll stop writing this while I can still write. I wonder if Tom and Mary will read this when they find my body. I dunno. Bye. June 5th 1993 Not quite the end, it appears. Today is my birthday. I'm 22 now, I don't feel like it. I feel just like 18, just as bad as I was a long time ago. Tom found me just in time to get me to the hospital, they pumped me out and kept me alive by force. I'm supposed to be going to therapy now, but I don't need any of that psychology shit. I've had enough of it to analyze myself. Jane called today to wish me a happy birthday. She isn't seeing anyone at the moment, but I didn't want to see her on my special day. The date of my first birth, and the date of my 3rd birth. The new me starts today. No more women, no men, no more love. Love isn't for shit. The lies start again. I found my old grey clothes, I'll wear them until I can get the black ones I ordered. I'm putting this diary away in a box at my parents house. This chapter is closed, I'm going to start a new one tomorrow. _ _ ____________________________________________________________________ /((___))\|The Dead Zone........214/522-5321|Demon Roach Undrgrnd..806/794-4362| [ x x ] |NIHILISM.............415/285-9453|The People Farm.......916/673-8412| \ / |Tequila Willy's GSC..209/526-3194|The Bombay............714/897-0412| (' ') |Lunatic Labs.........213/655-0691|The Works.............617/861-8976| (U) |====================================================================| .ooM |(c)1990 cDc communications by Obscure Images. 06/22/90-#141| \_______/|All Rights Pissed Away. |