Star Trek 6: In Search of BeetleJuice (subtitled "Beam him down Scotty") By: Red Rider In sickbay... "Space... the final frontier..." McCoy: you'd think after all these years in space I'd rate a raise... Shatner got one for directing the last movie, and that was a dog.. lousy opening music, almost ran into the bulkhead... Spock: I see your indulging your usual predilection towards rampant emotionalism, doctor. McCoy: Shut up Spock or I'll indulge a "predilection" to use your butt to measure a size 10 boot. Spock: I'm glad to see your more cheerful than usual, doctor. I assume your recent visit to the planet Layme 5 had something to do with this? McCoy: Shut up Spock! Now where did I put that penicillin? Mr. Spock and doctor McCoy, please report to the transporter room immeadiately. Sieg Hiel. That is all McCoy: What the hell is it with that new navigator, Lieutenant Hitler? Spock: What the hell is "Sieg Hiel"? McCoy: C'mon Spock, we better see what Captain Jerk.. er.. Kirk wants. In the transporter room... Kirk: Ah Mr. Spock... glad you could join me. McCoy: I'm McCoy. He's Spock. Kirk: Ah yes... of course... I was just testing you!! Very good Mr. Spock, you get an "A" in observation... McCoy: Psst... ah Spock, does Kirk seem to be acting a little weird to you? Spock: It may have something to do with that meteorite that hit him on the head on the planet Crotchit 2. Kirk: Now gentlemen, the reason I called you here is that we have detected a strange life form out in deep space, and are attempting to beam it on board. Spock: Fascinating. Kirk: The life form? Spock: Er.. no this postcard McCoy sent from Layme 5. Ahem.. what do we know about this life form captain? Kirk: Hmmm.. sensors indicate that its hot, is round and contains sugar and caffeine additives.. Conway: Your scanning my coffee, Captain. Kirk: Ah.. yes of course!! I was just testing you transporter chief!! Well done, I'll not that in my report. Where is my pencil? Spock: Pencils haven't been used for 100 years Captain. But your light pen is in your hand. McCoy: Ah, correct me if I'm wrong Jimboob, but doesn't beaming an unknown and potentially deadly life form onto the ship seem a little stupid to you? Kirk: Stupid?? STUPID! Have you forgotten our motto??? Space the final frontier??? These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise?? To boldly go where no man has gone before??? To seek out new life and... McCoy: Good lord... time for a station break... please. Where is that music coming from anyway?? Spock: Apparently from Conways walkman. Here, let me turn it down... there... Conway: Mr. Spock that wasn't the walkman that was the transporter console!!! You burned out all the circuits!!!!!!!! Spock: Oops. Beetlejuice: Yeeeeehhhhh! Allrite!! Whoa... look at this place. Lotsa blinkin lights... Hey what the hell are those... Pointed ears?? Hey but what the hell to each his own rite yeh... where are all the green skinned broads?? Kirk oughta know, know what I mean??? McCoy: What the... how the hell did that get on board?? The transporters not working!! I got it... Alan Funts hiding behind a bulkhead somewhere, right... ? <> Janice Rand: Captain, I have those requisition forms for five thousand laser rifles you wanted Captain... McCoy: Huh? Laser rifles were phased out last year. Kirk: Ahem.. ah obviously a mix-up from Star Fleet Yeoman, I'll take care of this later... <> Spock: Most odd.. a large number of bootleg Star Fleet laser rifles have been mysteriously appearing across the Romulan neutral zone over the last year... Kirk: Ahem... yeoman its not safe for you to stay here... an alien life form has infiltrated the ship... Mr. Conway, prepare to seal off the transporter room... McCoy: Seal me off with THAT?? The hell with you guys, that's not in my contract... Kirk: Come back here doctor!!!! McCoy: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning... <> BeetleJuice: Ooh la la... What do we have here! C'mere babe.. cmooonn give me a little yeh Whattaya say we beam over to that asteroid over there and park a while... yeh... Kirk: Let go of my alien life form, yeoman... uh.. I mean, let go of my yeoman, alien life form!! <> Spock: Ah captain, your holding your phasor backwards... BeetleJuice: Phasor?? Whoa hey whats this <> weird lookin thing??? What's this button do...? <> Kirk: Yaaaaaaahhh... Spock: Holy shit! BeetleJuice: Whoa wow strong stuff...you guys play for keeps don't ya? Any more buttons on this thing??? Spock: Don't point that thing at me!!! BeetleJuice: Oh yeh sorry bout that yeh.. tough break about Kirk, better sweep him up yeh.. hmmm lessee here... any settings for sandworms... hmmm lessee here... stun... knock out... kill human... kill lawyer... kill Klingon... destroy starship... destroy planet... destroy universe... hey yeh that oughta do it... Spock: DON'T SET IT ON THAT, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!! <> Scotty: I don't have time for a translator Mr. Scott... fix the transporter and beam this excrement off the ship and give us warp twenty the hell out of here... (Sorry, I meant Spock) Scotty: Aye Mr. Spock... say whats that pile of ashes on th' floor?? Better gi' this place vacuumed up.. BeetleJuice: Hey what is this? Leave me out in space willya.. you buncha losers!!!! Come back here!!!!!!!! Hey wait a minnit... whats that noise... oh yeh forgot about this thing.. hows this thing turn off... uh oh <> BeetleJuice: Oh shit... <>