Short animation, then cut to restaurant vestibule. He and She are already there, entering. She is nattering. The waiter is waiting. She(Eric): Oo I don't like this. Ooh I don't like that. Oh I don't think much to all this. Oh fancy using that wallpaper. Fancy using that mustard. Oo is that a proper one? Oo it's not real. Oh I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless they give you fingerbowls. Oo I don't like him. I'm going to have a baby in a few years. He(John): Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of Formica. (the waiter grimaces) I'm sorry about that. Waiter(Terry J): That's all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide. He: Oh I'm sorry. Waiter: It's all right. It's not because of anything serious. He exits. Shot off-screen and scream. She: Quite frankly I'm against people who commit suicide, I don't like that sort of person at all. I'm plain people and I'm proud of it, my mother's the salt of the earth, and I don't take the pill 'cos it's nasty. The head waiter comes in He: Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be a bit talentless, boring and dull, but on the other hand...............sorry I can't think of anything. Head Waiter (Michael): Fine. I'm the head waiter. This is a vegetarian restaurant only, we serve no animal flesh of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it. So if you were to come in here asking me to rip open a small defenceless chicken, so you could chew its skin and eat its intestines, then I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to leave. He: No, no, no, no Head Waiter: Likewise if you were to ask us to slice the sides of a cow and serve it with small pieces of its liver (small tic developing, getting carried away) or indeed drain the life blood from a pig before cutting off one of its legs... or carve the living giblets from a sheep and serve them with the fresh brains, bowels, guts, and spleen of a small rabbit.. WE WOULDN'T DO IT. (reaction) Not for food, anyway. She: Quite frankly I'm against people who give vent to their loquacity by extraneous bombastic circumlocution. (they both look at her; pause) Oh, I don't like that. He: Sometimes Shirley I think you're almost human. Head Waiter: (thinking) Do you know I _still_ wet my bed. He: Once I married someone who was beautiful, young, and gay, and free. Whatever happened to her? She: You divorced her and married me. Head Waiter: I met my second wife at a second-wife-swapping party. Trust ME to arrive late. Enter Headmaster Headmaster (Graham): Always were late, weren't you Thompson? Head Waiter: Hello Headmaster. What are you doing here? Headmaster: Fine, fine, fine, thank you. Fine, thank you. No more sherry for me don't you know. Warner House beat Badger House for the Second Cuppa, remarkable. We had to put most of the second form to sleep. No padre. Bad business. They were beginning to play with themselves. Still... You haven't seen my wife anywhere, have you? Head Waiter: No. Headmaster: Oh, Thank God for that (exits) She: Oh, I don't like him. Do you know what I mean. DO you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. All men are the same Enter Prologue, long white Greek robes, long white beard, holding large staff. Prologue: Imagine not that these four walls contain the Mighty Owl of Thebes. For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely to them it can construe. Head Waiter: No it doesn't. Prologue: Sorry (exits) Head Waiter: Fine. Would you care for a glass of blood? Oh what a giveaway. She: No, we'd like to see the menu please. I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless you have a proper menu, and anyway I might be pregnant. He: Perhaps you'd care for a drink? She: Ever since you've married me, Douglas, you've treated me like an albatross. A waiter enters pushing a large serving dish with a semi-naked Hopkins sitting unconcernedly in it. Hopkins (Terry J): Evening. He: Good Evening. Hopkins: I hope you're going to enjoy me this evening. I'm the special. Try me with some rice. He: I beg your pardon? Hopkins: A Hopkins au gratin a la chef He: Ah, oh how do you... (makes to shake hands) Hopkins (skittishly): Don't play with your food. (From Episode 13 of the 1st series of Monty Python's Flying Circus)