BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4 It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings. "I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams "Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities" Hook; Line; and Sinker... "Oh. I'm sorry." "That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password to something nasty in the next couple of days. "Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says. Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood. "Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename" "Thanks" "No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think- ing about) The phone rings again. "Hello?" "Hi there" I say "Is this the Operators?" "Yes it is" I say, nice as pie "Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed them over 5 minutes ago" "Your username?" I ask He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say, and head to the printers. There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink- stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well. Beautiful. "Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer problems." He takes a look and shits himself. "Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried "Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today" "Well can I print it on laser - is that working?" "Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek "It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!" I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately - I don't want to miss this! "W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me. Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for torture. "Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good compared to some we get" Geek pays up and starts blubbing. "Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on it?" He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk eraser. I come back out again. "Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok, and it had a brand-new toner yesterday." "GREAT!" "No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today." "Huh?" "No arguements, just do it." He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes. Subj: Things Are Getting Tough At IBM! NOTICE to all Employees In continuing with our new tradition of nickel & dimeing our employees to death in the hopes that they will voluntarily jump ship, we are proud to announce the following: o Voluntary Vacation Refund Employees may (at their managers insistence) return to IBM their earned vacation (or portions thereof). For each day of vacation returned, the employee will receive one free day of parking (see parking provisions below). o The IBM Cafeteria and vending Machine LOB is announced (An IBM Company) that will provide nutritious meals to IBM employees and their guests. This is an opportunity to significantly improve IBM's bottom line. The profit objective will be 25% of gross sales. This may result in slight price increases at some IBM locations. For example, the price of canned soft drinks will be increasing from $0.60 to $1.60. o Parking Lot's R Us, a new IBM Company, is announced. All locations where IBM currently provides parking locations for employees will become a part of this new company. To make adminis- tration simple, all employees at these locations will be charged a parking fee of $7.50 per day, whether they actually take advantage of their parking spot or not. This fee will be waived if you are working on a vacation day that you have refunded to IBM. In addi- tion, the new company will offer parking to the general public at competitive rates. To ensure you have a place to park, you should arrive at work prior to 6:30 AM. See below for Premium Parking Services. o Premium Parking Services. Reserved parking spaces for employees of 45 or greater years of service will be available for a 50% increase in cost. Addi- tionally, for those with proven handicaps (being brain dead quali- fies), valet parking at a 100% premium (plus tip) will be available from 6:30 AM until 6:50 AM, or until all the handicapped slots are filled. (Gaithersburg plans to have 3.4 of these spaces). o New Phone Services. All Rolm phones are being discontinued and replaced with Pay Phones. These will be installed in the aisles outside employees offices, and shared with at least 5 employees per phone. Each day, one employee will be designated as the prime answerer for the phone, with a roll-over to your manager's pay phone (located in his office) after 2 rings. Tie lines will still be available at $0.25 per call, limited to 30 seconds, with $0.15 surcharge per minute after that. Local calls will be charged at $0.20 per call, with no limit on call length (except for those who share the phone with you). Long distance calls MUST be billed to your American Express Card (see below). o Office Terminal Program. A limited number of PS/2 Model 30s will be available for employees to use in their offices. These will rent for $100.00 per month. Any offices that currently have terminals in them will have their terminals sold, and you will be guaranteed one of the Model 30s (as soon as they are available). o Premium Office Terminal Program. Users of the Office Terminal Program may also sign up for this service at no additional cost. This will provide access to our System/360 Model 30 in Moscow via a supplied modem that will work with the new phone system (see New Phone Services above). The sup- pliers of the remote compute service (formerly the NKVD in Moscow, where the Super Lab Computer is installed) will be charging a fee for its use (still being negotiated). Of course the long distance fees can be charged to your Corporate American Express card. It is anticipated that you will have access to this system from 9:00 AM to 4:30 PM, Monday through Friday (Moscow time). o Corporate Charge Card Program Enhancements. All employees will be required to obtain a Corporate American Express card. The fee for this card will be the responsibility of the employee (currently $50 per year). In order to qualify for this card, you must demonstrate acceptable credit to American Express. Employees who do not qualify, or employees who are more than 10 days behind in their payments will qualify for ITO III (see below). This fee is a valid business expense that may be claimed on the employees income tax return (an advantage you did not get under the old program). o ITO III. The Individual Transition Option has been enhanced, and anyone who qualifies for it will be granted permission to use it (you must take this option if you qualify). This provides for immediate dis- missal with no separation allowance, forfeiture of all vacation, and cancellation of all benefit plans. This program has been designed to encourage the employee to find other employment as fast as possible, so as to minimize separation trauma. o Vacation Plan Improvements. New employees will be granted 5 weeks of vacation time that must be taken before actually starting to work for IBM. This is referred to as the cooling off period. Thereafter employees will be entitled to one vacation day for every year employed by IBM, up to a maximum of 10 vacation days. Of course, we will continue our policy of allowing employees to take as much time off as reasonable (without pay). o Hospital Plan Room Charges. To encourage as short a stay as possible, IBM will now reimburse 100% of the last days room charges. Employees will be responsible for all days before the last. o Major Medical Deductible. To help keep costs in line, the family deductible for Major Medical is now 100% of the employees salary. Once this deductible is met, IBM will pay 50% of all qualifying medical expenses. The above improvements may not appear to be very significant, and our research shows that IBM's benefits are still amongst the very best, but these changes will save IBM US some $45 million dollars over the next week.