BARBER: I didn't want to be a barber, anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Leeping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia... (he is gradually straightening up with a visionary gleam in his eyes) The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the scots pine. (He tears off his barber's jacket to reveal tartan shirt and lumberjack trousers underneath; as he speaks, the lights dim behind him and a choir of Mounties is heard faintly in the distance) The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! (Moves in front of backdrop of Canadian mountains and forests) Withh my best girlie by my side... (A frail adoring blonde, the heroine of many a mountain film, or perhaps the rebel maid rushes to his side and looks adoringly into his eyes) We'd sing... sing... sing. (The choir is loud by now and the music as well.) BARBER: (Singing) I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. (Lights come up to his left and reveal a choir of Mounties.) MOUNTIES: He's a lumberjack and he's okay; he sleeps all night and he works all day. BARBER: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch; I go to the lavatory. On wednesday I go shopping; and have buttered scones for tea. MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory. On wednesday he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea. BARBER: I cut down trees, I skip and jump; I like to press wildflowers. I put on women's clothing; and hang around in bars. MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps; he likes to press wildflowers. He puts on women's clothing; and hangs around in bars...? (During the last verse the choir has started to look uncomfortable, but they brighten up as they go into the chorus.) He's a lumberjack and he's okay; he sleeps all night and he works all day. BARBER: I cut down trees, I wear high heels; suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie; just like my dear Mama. MOUNTIES: (Starting off lustily as usual but tailing off as they get to the 3rd line) He cuts down trees, he wears high heels; (spoken rather than sung) suspenders... and a bra...? (They all mumble, the music runs down, the girl looks horrified and bursts into tears. The Mounties start throwing rotten fruit at him.) GIRLIE: Oh Bevis! And I thought you were so rugged.