How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them. How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Assholes never see the light anyway. How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Astronomers prefer the dark. How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the broken socket. 2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century. How many babysitters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They don't make Pampers small enough. How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. How many Beverly Hills realtors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to learn Arabic. How many bikers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to complain that it's electrified. How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One third less than for a regular bulb. How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!! 2) Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb. How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these. How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental Impact Statement. 3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb ... 4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up. 5) None. We contract out for things like that. How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to screw in a light bulb? The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs. 2) Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. But they're really only one. How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. How many Columbia students does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he gets three credits. How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about how much they liked the old one. How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. 2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many contras does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, an Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him. How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. It turned itself in. 2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him. How many cryonicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait 200 years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it. How many data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. 2) That depends on whether it has health insurance. 3) Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to roll it and one to light it up. How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb. How many Thomas Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. He doesn't change them, he makes them. How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room first. How many ergonomicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and ... How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress. How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. How many strong Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They like Danzig in the dark. How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway. How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) That's not funny!!! 2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. 3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. 4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket. 5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket. 6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first one. How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. How many football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! How many Tampa Bay Buccaneers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to recover the fumble. How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. 2) Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. How many gardeners does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as older, heavier ones. How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!" How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. 2) It all depends on the size of the grant. 3) Two, and a professor to take credit. How many grocery store cashiers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Huh? You mean it's dark in here? How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem." How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke? 300. One to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death. How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature. How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in light bulb? Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra. How many IBMers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington? 2) All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate. How many Iranians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change it to what? How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Da-a-addy. 2) What?! And ruin my nails??? How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. ("That's all right, I'll just sit here in the dark.") How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady. How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh wow, is it like dark, man? How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) All of them. 2) Only one. They'll screw anything. How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones. How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) One liberal and twenty-eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. 2) Sorry, they can't remove the old one as it's already part of the environment. How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he uses a chainsaw. How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Into what? How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. 2) Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One and a half. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever number turns you on, big boy. How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They do it in the fruit. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb. How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions. How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb? 101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to screw in light bulbs too. How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel. Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that." How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many National Security Council members does it take to change a light bulb? 1) We can't say. 2) Three, in fourteen countries. How many Nebraskans does it take to screw in a light bulb? What's a light bulb? How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. 2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE. How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? 1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem." How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None of your damn business! 2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. 3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he'll tell everybody. How many NHL officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? First you have to find one. How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your f---ing business and have a nice day. How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. How many OU football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. 2) Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricty that powers it. How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't change bulbs. They have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun... How many members of the PLO does it take to screw in a light bulb? 45. One to drive the car, four to shoot the bodyguards of the president of Sylvania, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights. How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb. How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! How many poor slobs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Poor slobs don't have light bulbs - they're too expensive. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. 2) None. Pre-meds don't screw, they study. How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he has to wait until the light is better. How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it. 2) None. That's what grad students are for. How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. That's a hardware problem. 2) None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. 3) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready. 2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many do you think it takes? How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Seven. One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list. 2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. How many Radcliffe girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's "Women", and it's not funny! How many Reagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) What light bulb? 2) Nancy. How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten. One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial "The bulb is really just dim", one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter-Mondale administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on the Congress, one to ask for a constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favor for the kerosene importer, one to cash the check for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation. How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark. How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it. How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if by hand, but two if by feel. How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent. How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's a military secret. How many Russian leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them. How many science fiction writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..." How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum. How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They'll have their girls do it for them. How many Shiites does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held hostage around the world!! How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out. How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money. And it all only takes 91 seconds! How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. How many teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if at home, but on school time, four. How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. How many television evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Television evangelists screw in motel rooms. How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 20. One to do it and 19 to develop a distraction. How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There never *was* any light bulb. How many tourists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. How many union electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs. 2) Four men, four hours. How many union shop stewards does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50. 50? Yeah, 50; it's in the contract. How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but first he has to determine the correct path. How many Unix hacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifty. One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb? Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot! One to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!! One to flame the flamer. One to ask to be removed from the news group. One to ask for a copy of the last message :-) And one to ask how to unROT the joke. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs. How many valley girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure. How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000. How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention. How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple. How many White House aides does it take to change one of Reagan's light bulbs? None. They like to keep him in the dark. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. 2) None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light. How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them? How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!" How many Vanna Whites does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. A dead bulb won't light up. How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine visits. How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? TWELVE!! YA GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?? How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question. How many light bulb jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb joke? The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is 0.2. Assuming independence (which is reasonable, since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is thus 0.08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.