NOTICE: The letter you are about to read was not actually written by Bill Gates, nor is the letter intended to cause any harm to anyone. It is simply written as a "friendly" attack against Windows. ANTI-MICROSOFT WINDOWS! by Octavian SysOp: The Spearpoint BBS 410-889-5156 15 June 1993 Part of a letter from Bill Gates to the Microsoft Windows Programming Team: ================================================================= From: Bill Gates To: Microsoft Windows Programming Team Subj: Memorandum Date: June 28, 1993 Well, the new release, Windows 3.2, is almost finished. When beta testing, be sure to keep in mind these simple rules: 1> Don't program in any error messages that can be understood by anyone with less than twelve years of computer training. That way, users will have to make a long-distance call to our technical support offices and wait three hours listening to bad music while one of our technicians finishes with the other 500 users that are having problems. 1a> This means, for example, that when a user types in an unacceptable command, you should under no circumstances tell them that the command is unacceptable and you should certainly not tell them why. Offering them additional help is totally beyond the concept and reasoning of Microsoft Windows. Instead, you should tell them that they have made a "keyboard anticorrective abundancy" and have the screen display a large quantity of random numbers (for added effect, you may call these numbers "error codes.") 2> Make sure to add code that forces the system to hang unexpectedly at random intervals and for no apparent reason. 3> Every so often, display the message "This program has violated system integrity due to execution of an invalid instruction" and terminate the program. Every time this happens, there should be a one in ten chance of the system rebooting when the user clicks on "O.K." 4> Every few days, one of the necessary system files should be inadvertently and irrevocably corrupted. Naturally, due to rule 1, Windows should not inform the user of this; rather, it should display "Critical System Error. Deleting all group files" and make no effort to fix the invalid file. 5> Naturally, as with any good multitasking software, running a simple BASIC program, EDLIN, or a DOS shell in the background should slow down the machine by at least 15 MhZ. 6> Don't go out of your way to create any extra code for CD-ROM hookup. Instead, make the user purchase a $1,000 program called "Windows Multimedia Extensions" and sell it, on CD, at 20c a copy to CD-ROM manufacturers so they can claim that the user is getting $1,500 worth of materials for only $500. 7> Every so often, when a user is running a program with a graphical display, have Windows return to the program manager and display five or six messages telling the user that (s)he cannot run full-screen graphics while other full-screen graphics programs are in use. When the user tries to return to the program, it will work fine, and the user can continue as if nothing happened. Of course, the user will have to deal with annoying flashing lines at the bottom of his/her screen until (s)he exits the program and the system hangs. 8> Create some random sections of code that have no use whatsoever to 99.5% of the computing population. Give these sections of code fancy names such as "Recessive Internal Objective Reallocation" or "Windows Terminal." Of course, as with most of the other features, when a user tries to access these, the system will hang. 9> Every so often, the mouse cursor should disappear for no apparent reason, and there should be no possible way to get it back. When the user tries to exit Windows with the keyboard, it should exit fine, but after exiting the message "Memory Allocation Failure. Cannot load COMMAND.COM, system halted" should be displayed and the system should hang. At least three files must be corrupted in the process. 10> Make sure to sell Windows to wholesalers at five cents a copy so they can include it with every computer system on the market. This way, Windows will gain far more popularity than competent programs such as DESQview. Also, here are some last-minute suggestions and improvements you might want to think about adding: 1> Create a free-for-all file section in which the user may type in a file name. Windows will then retrieve the file with NO corruption. This is a very new concept, and since Microsoft has never tried working with their programs in this manner, it may cause you some difficulty. 2> The new System 9 for the Mac includes a feature that allows the user to open a file more than once under many different applications. Since Mac is adding a new feature, I find it necessary that we add the same feature and release Windows 3.2 before Mac releases System 9. That way, we can claim that we thought of the feature first despite the fact that there will be nine or ten crucial bugs in it. 3> Add a special feature that lets users corrupt any file they want to. Also, make a feature that corrupts all files on the hard drive and forces the user to reformat the drive. Make the second feature accessible by hitting the "e" key from the program manager. 4> Create a "Windows Programming Kit" that allows users to write their own programs for Windows using C or Pascal. Sell this kit for at least $2,000. 5> Add a special function that allows users to change the background color by clicking the middle mouse button. That's about it. Hopefully, we'll see Windows 3.2 underway by 1994, and even more hopefully, we'll see it underway before Mac realeases their next system update. So, get working embedding those bugs, glitches, and "errors." I'll be going home for the day, since I've already worked my hour and a half. Bill Gates ================================================================= The Programming Team's reply, in its entirety: From: MS Windows Programming Team To: Bill Gates Subj: Beta Testing Date: August 1, 1993 What's "Beta Testing?"