The EPIC of Santa -------------------- T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, There were bottles 'n butts left around by some louse. And the best fifth I'd hidden by the chimney with care Had been snatched by some bum, who'd found it right there. My pals, Guys'n Gals, had been poured in their beds, To wake in the morning with hung over heads. My mouth, full of cotton, dropped like a snap Because I was dying for one wee nitecap. When thru the south window there came such a yell I sprang to my feet to see what the hell... And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see, But eight drunken reindeer, caught in a tree. Way in 'mongst the branches, was a man with a sleigh. I saw it was Santa quite oiled and tre's gay. Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came, While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name: "On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night, You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right! Clamber up on the roof, get the hell off this wall, Get going you rummies, we've still a long haul!" So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh, But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway. And then to my ears like a roll of a barrel, A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol. So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear, Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear. He was dressed all in red and white fur for a trim, The way Santa swayed he was tanked to the brim. The sack on his back held nothing but booze And the breathe that he blew almost put me to snooze. He was both plump & chubby and tried to stand right, But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite. He spoke not a word, but went straight to work And missed half the stockings, the plastered old jerk. Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose, He fluttered his fingers and he quoted a prose. A spring for his sleigh at so hasty a pace, Tripped him up on a shingle and he slid on his face. But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight, "Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"