          "100 Reasons Why Jimmy Carter Was a Better President Than        
                               Bill Clinton."

                              by P.J. O'Rourke
                           
                           The American Spectator 
                               September 1993
  
        "Insights compiled with the kind assistance of the patrons of                                        
                  the Zoo Bar on Connecticut Avenue, N.W.

1. Jimmy Carter had a nicer wife,
2. A smarter baby brother,
3. A less frightening mom,
4. And a...No, we can't bring ourselves to make fun of the first daughter,
        especially since some of us have been going through an awkward 
        adolescent stage for nearly four decades. But we can say: "Damn it,
        Hillary, quit fussing with your hair and do something about Chelsea's."
5. And, speaking of coiffures, Jimmy Carter never in his life got a haircut
       that cost more than $2.50, if appearances are anything to go by.
6. Carter had governed a more important state.
7. Carter had once held a job.
8. He came from a more cosmopolitan hometown,
9. And had a more charismatic vice president.
10. It took Carter months to wreck the economy.
11. It took Carter weeks to become a national laughingstock.
12. Carter committed adultery only in his heart.
13. And, if we know anything about female tastes, Carter was telling the truth
        about that.
14. As for military record, Carter was, comparatively speaking, a regular        
        Audie Murphy.
15. They were on drugs during the Carter administration--they had an excuse.
16. We were on drugs during the Carter administration--we had an excuse.
17. Carter looked--think back carefully, we promise we're telling the truth
        about this--less foolish in his jogging outfit.
18. Jogging actually worked for Carter. Say what you want against the man,        
        he's no double-butt. 
19. Carter passed out while jogging and the nation was safe for a moment.

                            COMPARE AND CONTRAST:
    Carter Administration           Clinton Administration
20. Pardoning Draft Dodgers         Draft Dodgers   
21. Women integrated into the       Men dressed like women integrated    
        military                        into the military.
22. Return of canal to Panama       Return of Haitians to Haiti    
23. Bail-out of Chrysler Corp.      Jobs in the White House travel office 
                                    for hick cousins from Arkansas
24. Creation of Departments of      Can't find enough gay disabled women of
        Energy and Education            color to head Departments he's got
                                        already
25. President successfully          Hillary still heading health-care reform
        treated for hemorrhoids         panel
26. Russians in Afghanistan         Brit Hume in White House press corps    
27. Jody Powell with feet on        George Stephanopoulos with feet not quite    
        desk                            touching floor
28. Kidding Mexicans about          Kidding Mexicans about NAFTA    
        Montezuma's revenge
29. Boycott of Moscow Olympics      Not seeing much of the Bloodworth-
                                        Thomasons lately
30. Hostage rescue attempt in       Trying to get Zoe Baird confirmed at    
        Iran                            Justice
31. Mount St. Helens                Air Force General Harold Campbell
32. Peace between Israel and        Peace between the FBI and IRS     
        Egypt
33. Elvis dead                      Barbra Streisand all too lively
34. SALT II                         U2    
35. Three Mile Island               Sam Nunn
36. Admiral Hyman Rickover          The Tidybowl Man
37. Wimping out in the face of      Wimping out in the face of Slobodan 
        the second most power-      Milosevic
        ful military force in 
        the world
38. Gas shortage                    Gassiest administration since who knows
                                        when
39. Mariel Boatlift                 Which one is she? Does Hillary know about
                                        this one?
40. Proposition 13                  (Write your own Clinton libido joke in
                                        the space provided __________________
                                        ____________________________________)
41. Carter was a good man to have on board when your canoe was attacked by a
        swimming rabbit.
42. Carter hardly ever hugged or kissed anyone in public except Leonid         
        Brezhnev.
43. The FBI didn't kill anybody at Jonestown.
44. Bert Lance could make a bigger splash doing a cannonball into the Camp
        David pool than Webb Hubbell.
45. Hamilton Jordan could beat Mack McLarty at arm wrestling.
46. Plus Jordan could get into Studio 54.
47. Joseph Califano was prettier than Donna Shalala.
48. And he opposed abortion (though maybe he hadn't met Donna yet).
49. Warren Christopher was young and full of pep during the Carter 
        administration.
50. And Warren Christopher's initials look funnier on a brief case than Cyrus
        Vance's did.
51. Zbigniew Brzezinski is worth more points in a Scrabble game than Anthony
        Lake.
52. Jimmy Carter didn't play any Fleetwood Mac songs on the campaign trail,        
53. Or any Judy Collins records at home,
54. Or any saxophones anywhere.

55.                           THE UNDEAD
    Carter Admininstration                Clinton Administration      
        Miss Lillian                               VAT

56. No one can say a word against a Carter Supreme Court appointee.
57. Carter did not use Bloomsbury, Mayfair, Pall Mall, Hackney, Notting Hill,
        Shoreditch, or any other London neighborhood as the name of his child.
58. One thing about Carter-era inflation, the money may have been worthless
        but at least we had some.

59.                       ENDANGERED SPECIES
    Carter Administration                 Clinton Administration
      The Snail Darter                            The DLC
      
60. Jimmy Carter's nervous smirk was less demanding of a punch in the snoot,
        even if it did present a larger target.

                    MAJOR FORIEGN POLICY QUESTIONS
    Carter Administration                 Clinton Administration
61. Should Red China have a         Is Macedonia what Macedonia is supposed to    
        seat in the U.N.?               be called?
62. Does Nicaragua have             Is it "Ukraine" or "The Ukraine" ?
        strategic importance?
63. What type of relationship       If those guys are so Jewish, how come they             
        with Israel best serves         aren't on the staff of Tikkun?
        America's interests?
64. Is it time for America to       Should Chelsea go to Japan with Bill and    
        relinquish its global           Hillary?
        leadership role?
65. Would economic sanctions on     How about economic sanctions on white 
        South Africa be                 males right here in the USA?
        effective?      
66. Should we sell wheat to         Let's just give them a bunch of money.        
        Russia?
67. Is deployment of the            Does appointing Jean Kennedy Smith    
        neutron bomb immoral?           ambassador to Ireland put the Kennedys
                                        in their place or what?

68.                   LANGUAGE WHICH THE PRESIDENT WOULD 
                               NOT SHUT UP IN
        Carter                                          Clinton
       Spanish                                          English 
       
69. Navy football team can whip Oxford's.

                                WORLD VIEW
        What Ideas Loomed Inside Their Respective Thick Skulls?
         Carter                                        Clinton
70. Human rights                          Partnership role for the First Lady         
71. Moral equivalent of war               Partnership role for the First Lady
72. National malaise                      More mayonnaise
73. Diminished expectations               David Gergen

74. Carter did not, as part of focusing on his agenda, address himself as
        "Stupid." He let us do that for him.
75. Carter wore real blue jeans and not the Levi's 550 roomy-in-the-buns kind.

                       COMPARE AND CONTRAST PART II
    Carter Administration                 Clinton Administration
76. Mork and Mindy                  Mary Matalin and James Carville    
77. Laverne and Shirley             Cokie Roberts and Anna Quindlen
78. The Dukes of Hazard             Various half brothers
79. Three's Company                 Gennifer Flowers    
80. Happy Days                      1980-1992
81. The Incredible Hulk and         Marriage seems stable for the moment, but
        Wonder Woman                    super powers are fading
82. WKRP                            NPR
83. Star Wars                       Base closings
84. Annie Hall                      Anita Hill
85. Grease                          Mousse
86. Saturday Night Fever            Saturday night working late at the OEOB
87. The Goodbye Girl                Kimba Wood
88. Midnight Express                Bus trips
89. La Cage Aux Folles              The Marines
90. All the President's Men         Home Alone II    
91. Abbie Hoffman                   Socks the cat

92. Carter's poll ratings were higher (in Iraq).
93. Carter walked the whole inaugural parade route.
94. Carter saved America from a plague of Misha the Bear Olympic mascot toys.
95. Has Bill Clinton helped the Shah of Iran get medical treatment?
96. Carter spent his time doing things like figuring out the White House
        tennis court playing schedule--the man knew his intellectual limit-
        ations.
97. Carter had enough clout to get Lani Guinier appointed to the Justice
        Department (and anyone who gets shot down for holding Menckenish
        views about the excesses of democracy had to be some kind of friend
        of ours even if she doesn't know it).
98. Carter let the Soviets have Angola, Ethiopia, and South Yemen. And, in
        retrospect, the Soviets deserved no better.
99. Carter wasn't a throwback to the Carter Era.
100. And let us not forget that Jimmy Carter gave us one thing Bill Clinton
        can never possibly give us--Ronald Reagan."

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