-1-

			   |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
			   | THE COMPLETE SPAM |
			   |___________________|
		   With side notes on F.A.S. and Cheese!

			   Compiled by Octavian
		     The Spearpoint BBS: 410-889-5156



		THE COMPLETE SPAM: PART 1, OVERVIEW.

     Since Spam works are becoming scattered and fragmented, I have decided
to compile these works into a large file which should prove to be indispensable
in any Spammist's collection.
     This file contains work by various authors, and full credit is given where
necessary.  This file will also present information on the other major groups
involved in the Spam community, F.A.S. (the Force Against Spam) and Cheese.
This file may be freely distributed on BBS's or disks under the filename
!SPAM!.TXT.
     This file is a collection of various other files, including SPAM.TXT,
SPAMBIB1.TXT, and SPAMHEIR.TXT.  However, please remember that there is a large
amount of new material presented herein.  Now that the crap is over with, let's
begin with the traditional . . .

			      TABLE OF CONTENTS!

The Complete Spam Overview . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
The Spam Bible, Part 1 (SPAMBIB1.TXT). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
THE SPAM BIBLE PART 2!  NEVER BEFORE AVAILABLE!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
The Ten Spammandments (SPAM.TXT) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
The Spam Heirarchy & Organizational Groups (SPAMHEIR.TXT). . . . . . . . . . 5
A New Essay by Octavian on Recent Events . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
Important Leaders of Spam, Cheese, and F.A.S.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6






























				    -2-

     It is fitting that we start off with the sacred religious text of Spam.
The Spam Bible is purely the words of Spod as dictated through my eyes.  It is
studied and worshipped by the greatest scholars of Spam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE OLD SPAMMAMENT 
 
GENESPAM. 
1. On the first day, Spod said, "Let there be Spam!"  And there 
was Spam.  And Spod looked upon the Spam and saw that it was good.  
On the second day, Spod said, "Let there be cans!"  And there were 
cans.  And Spod looked upon the cans, and realised that Spam could 
be stored within them, and He saw that it was good.  But Spod could 
not open the cans, so on the third day, Spod said, "Let there be 
can openers!"  And there were can openers.  And Spod looked upon 
the can openers, and Spod saw that this was good.  On the fourth 
day, Spod said, "Let there be silverware!"  And silverware was 
created, and Spod saw that you could eat Spam with silverware, and 
He saw that this was good.  On the fifth day, Spod said, "Let there 
be pasteurization!"  And there was pasteurization.  And Spod saw 
that you could now pasteurize Spam, and he saw that this was good.  
On the sixth day, Spod said, "Let there be pigs!"  And pigs of all 
types appeared on the world of Spam, and Spod saw that you could 
make Spam out of pasteurized pig, and He saw that this was good.  
On the seventh and final day, Spod said, "No, no, no!  Let there 
be PIGS!"  And ugly creatures with a head and two arms and two legs 
and two eyes and a nose and two ears and, well, you know the rest, 
appeared and ate the Spam and pasteurized the pigs, and Spod saw 
that this WASN'T good, but there was not a goddam thing He could 
do about it, so He let it ride. 
2. The first two ugly creatures, called "Spammans," were named 
Spadam and Speve.  They mistakenly called themselves "man" and 
"woman," respectively, and Spod saw that this was bad, but once 
again there was not a goddam thing he could do about it, so he let 
this ride too.  One day Speve was walking through the Garden of 
Speden, and she remembered that Spod had told her to eat any fruit 
save that of the Knowledge of Spam and F.A.S.  She saw a curious 
looking creature, made entirely of Spam, near the tree of the 
Knowledge of Spam and F.A.S.  "I," said the creature, "am a 
Sperpent.  Eat the fruit of the tree.  To not eat it is to say that 
Spod is better than you, but you must learn about Spam to prevail
in the world."  So Speve ate the fruit, and gave some to Spadam.
3. One day Spod was walking through the Garden of Speden, when He
spied Spadam behind a Spam tree.  "Why are you hiding?"  asked
Spod.  "Because I like F.A.S.," said Spadam.  "You have eaten the
fruit," said Spod.  And to punish them all, he changed the Sperpent
so that it was no longer crafted out of Spam, and he cursed Speve
with an eternal dislike of Spam.  I really don't want to get into
what Spadam and Speve did after they left the Garden of Speden,
this being a religious text and all, so I will end the Spam Bible
for now.  Look for part 2, which will be available as soon as I am
stupid enough to go about wasting my time writing another
installment of the Spam bible.

Part 1 of the Spam bible, by Octavian.
The Spearpoint BBS: 410-889-5156
Join the Association of the Spam!








				    -3-

     Alright, I shall now introduce what you have all been waiting for . . .
The Spam Bible part 3, which is actually the second part dictated to me by
Spod!  The chapter is SPAMITICUS, the legal book of the Spam!  This is new
material.  It appears nowhere but in The Complete Spam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE OLD SPAMMAMENT.

SPAMITICUS.
1. What thou art given thy shalt not covet (coveting is sinful), thou shalt
sinfully covet thy duty (duty not to be coveted) in only the extremest of
circumstances.  Should thy, by mistake (mistakes unforsaken) forsake a mistake
(mistakes being forsaken unforsakedly) thou shalt forsake (forsakedly) thy
Spam of thy coveting.  In and out (and out and in) thou shalt (shalt thou)
worship Spam (Spam worship unforsaken.)  With thy (thy with) authority,
authority shalt (shalt, authority) thus bequeath (bequeathment unforsaken) the
self-forsakedness ('ness forsaken) bequeathed thusly (thus bequeathed) in thy
forsaken, bequeathed forsakedness.
2. The Spabbath shall be held every other Wednesday, unless it rains on the
Monday immediately preceding the aforementioned Wednesday.  If the latter is
the first of a month, then the Spabbath shall be held on the Tuesday after the
rain instead, provided there are less than two Spam cans in the house.  Should
there be more than two spam cans, a number shall be generated by the equation
3s-4 where s is the number of spam cans in the house, and this number added to
the current day of the month to produce a new number.  If the new number is
more than 31, then the Spabbath shall be held normally, on Thursday.  If the
new number is less than 31, the Spabbath shall be held on that day of the
month, unless it snows that day, in which case the Spabbath shall be delayed
until the following day.
3. Anyone who violates any of the ten Spammandments shall be killed, shot,
stabbed, mangled, murdered, slain, eviscerated, cremated, destroyed,
assassinated, exterminated, massacred, slaughtered, terminated, nullified,
wounded, maimed, eliminated, crushed, squished, beaten, humiliated, butchered,
erased, damaged, harmed, executed, liquidated, manslaughtered, demolished,
ruined, wrecked, hurt, injured, crippled, mutilated, incapacitated, lacerated,
pulped, pulverized, battered, cudgeled, hit, disgraced, disfigured, abused,
impaired, dismembered, whipped, razed, shattered, defaced, gashed, cut,
chopped, diced, mashed, powdered, pummeled, clobbered, degraded, gnarled,
persecuted, hunted, amputated, flogged, scourged, trounced, thrashed,
flagellated, demolished, flattened, broken, dissected, minced, tormented,
tortured, flailed, totalled, deflated, cubed, decimated, obliterated,
eradicated, and utterly annihilated.
4. If on the following day of the Spabbath it also snows, the various
inarticulate precipitation shall be implemented meticulously via jurisdiction
superfluous to the coercion.  Consequently, for ambiguity's sake, the
measureless enormity of the prerogative of Spod languishes to be a
consideration; and the precepts herein expounded are connoted by Spod as
appropriate in all occurances.  Should Spod determine diversely, He shall
manufacture its widespread knowledge; should He endeavor on behalf of
austerity, He shall intelligibly sojourn in his principality.

								---Octavian

Part 2 of the Spam bible, by Octavian.
The Spearpoint BBS: 410-889-5156
Join the Association of the Spam!









				    -4-

     No Spam collection can be complete without the inclusion of the legendary
Ten Spammandments.  These were told by Spod to Proostic, one of the Holy
Apostles of Spam.  They are as follows (edited slightly):
	===== PLEASE NOTE WHEN READING THIS THAT THIS FILE WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THE
CONCEPTS OF THE SPAM RELIGION WERE FULLY UNDERSTOOD.  THE TEN SPAMMANDMENTS
MIGHT NOT BE FULLY ACCURATE WITH OTHER SECTIONS OF THE COMPLETE SPAM.  PLEASE
UNDERSTAND THIS AND KEEP THIS IN MIND. =====
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
			The Ten Spammandments (commandments) 
 
1. I am the one and only Spam. 
 
2. Thou shalt have no other Spam before me. 
 
3. Thou shalt honor the Spabbath and keep it holy. It shall be a day of rest 
   for you and all of your household, your man servants, your woman servants, 
   your asexual servents, your budgies, your orangutans, your llamas, your 
   sphincter, and any other creature under your domain. 
 
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Spam, or any other meat by-product. 
 
5. Thou shalt set aside one week a year for the honouring of Scrapple and  
   Hagas, the other two importants food items. 
 
6. Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor's Spam. 
 
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery in Spam's presence, and thou shalt not 
   commit adultery with Spam, or even use Spam as a sexual toy or plaything. 
 
8. Thou shalt not kill Spam. 
 
9. Do not bother non-spamists (i.e. Flamingo) with Spam Talk, unless so  
   authorized by one of the three Holy Men of Spam, Farslayer, Proostic,  
   or Ice. 
 
10. I, Proostic, Holy Man of Spam, authorize all Spammists to annoy any 
    Non-Spammist (i.e. Flamingo) with Spam Talk, in any case no matter 
    how extreme; even on the Heathen board Fuzzy Land. 
 
More Spammist religious texts to come! 
 
 
					--Proostic, Holy Man of Spam!














     The file SPAMHEIR.TXT is not very widespread, but it contains some vital
information on the relations of Spam and the group known as F.A.S.  More
information on these two groups can be obtained in the essay on politics at
the end of this file (!SPAM!.TXT).  The Spam Heirarchy & Organizations are
listed below.  (This was written by Octavian.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

				    -5-

THE SPAM HEIRARCHY AND ORGANIZATIONAL GROUPS 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
compiled by Octavian (who else?) 
 
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| 
| THE SPAM RELIGION | 
|___________________| 
 
Spam has become its own religion.  The religion of Spam has become a 
well-known religious organization, with works in progress, or completed, 
such as the Spam bible and the Ten Spammandments. 
 
The Spammists are ruled by three Apostles, all of whom have equal power. 
Any of the Apostles of the Spam may dub other Spammists as Apostles. 
 
The three current Apostles of the Spam are: 
 
Farslayer (the one and only founder of Spam!) 
Proostic (the second Apostle, who wrote the Ten Spammandments) 
Octavian (the fourth Apostle, who began the Spam Bible.) 
 
The third Apostle, deserves no note, having converted to the ways of 
sadistic evil.  This creature of malignicism shall not be named, nor shall 
he be considered an Apostle any longer.  For all due purposes, he has been 
permanently expelled from the Spam Religion. 
 
|~~~~~~~~~~~~| 
| F.A.F.A.S. | 
|____________| 
 
A non-religious organization, F.A.S., was brought together by heretics and 
non-believers to combat Spam.  As a countermechanism, another nonreligious 
organization, F.A.F.A.S., was created.  F.A.F.A.S. is ruled by a presidential 
system rather than an oligarchy.  The current F.A.F.A.S. leaders are: 
 
President Proostic 
Vice President Winston Smith. 
 
Positions are still open. 
 
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| 
| The Holy Temples of Spam | 
|__________________________| 
 
Two bulletin board systems can be considered the holy temples of spam.  One, 
the Dungeon, is the original Spam Temple, and the birthplace of the Holy 
One, Farslayer.  The other board, the Spearpoint, is also home to F.A.F.A.S., 
and it is ruled by Octavian, the fourth Apostle.  Plans are currently 
underway to transfer the Dungeon to the control of Proostic, though they are 
not completely definite yet. 
 
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| 
| A note to F.A.S.: | 
|___________________| 
 
########    ##########  ##########  ## 
#     ###       ##      #           ##         This Non-Ansi was NOT 
#       ##      ##      #           ##      brought to you by Tronster! 
#        #      ##      ########    ##       Will wonders never cease? 
#        #      ##      #           ## 
#       ##      ##      #           ## 
#     ###       ##      #            
########    ##########  ##########  ## 

				    -6-

     That pretty much sums up Spam at the moment.  I would like to close this
wonderful file with an essay I have written on the political standings of Spam
and its allies and enemies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
			      SPAM by Octavian

     Spam is increasing in power.  So far, all efforts to stop it have been in
vain.  This essay is meant to address not only Spam but also its enemies,
F.A.S. and the newly formed Cheese.
     F.A.S., or the Force Against Spam, was created in retaliation to Spam by
those who believed it to be stupid.  Headed by Flamingo, F.A.S. gained a burst
of power, and appeared to be gaining ground against Spam.  However, Spam was
able to overcome this threat, in part through a countercounterorganization,
F.A.F.A.S. (Force Against the Farce Against Spam), led by Proostic.
     The main demise of F.A.S. occured recently, when an organization under the
name of Cheese formed.  Although F.A.S. still has its supporters, it is losing
ground, since many of the members of F.A.S. have joined Cheese instead.
     Cheese is based around the board known as the Spectrum.  The original
creator of Cheese was Blackjack.  After Cheese had gained considerable support,
Blackjack announced a treaty between Spam and Cheese.  This treaty was accepted
by many Spammists and Cheezists, including Octavian and Proostic, but rejected
by a number of rebellious Cheese worshippers, headed by The Spaz.
     As a result of this incident, Cheese broke off into two sects, the
Orthodox Cheezists, led by Blackjack, who signed a treaty with Spam, and the
Radical Cheezists, headed by The Spaz, who are currently planning a war against
Spam.
     The upcoming war has stirred hatred not seen since F.A.S. was at the
height of its power.  SpinalNET has created two subs devoted to preparation for
the war, and on November 9th, the two organizations will meet on net territory
to battle it out.
     We shall then see the victor.  Will Radical Cheese triumph over Spam and
Orthodox Cheese?  Only time will tell.

IMPORTANT LEADERS OF SPAM, CHEESE, AND F.A.S.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 * Holy Apostles of Spam : Farslayer, Proostic, Octavian, Gambel
 President of F.A.S.     : Flamingo
 President of F.A.F.A.S. : Proostic
 Vice President of FAFAS : Winston Smith
 Ruler of Orthodox Cheese: Blackjack
 Ruler of Radical Cheese : The Spaz
 The Holy Temples of Spam: The Spearpoint  (410) 889-5156
			   C-Spam          (410) 531-5886
 The Orthodox Cheese HQ  : The Spectrum    (410) 242-4096
 The Radical Cheese HQ   : Unknown As Of Yet