
                     The Warning Signs Of Insanity
                     -----------------------------

                               A.Merrymam 

-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then
you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

-Everyone  you  meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

-You  write  to  your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

-Every  time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil
dandruff spirits.

-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting
fire to his lawn decorations.

-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

-You laugh out loud during funerals.

-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE!  RAPE!"

-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through
that scuba mask.

-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped
on  as  a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek
revenge.

-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

-Your  father  pretends  you  don't  exist,  just to play along with your
little illusion.

-You collect dead windowsill flies.

-Everytime  the  phone  rings,  you  shout,  "Hey!  An angel just got its
wings!"

-You like cats.  Especially with mayo.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

-You  cry  at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

-You  wake  up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

-Your  dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

-Melba toast excites you.

-When  the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

-You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

-Every  time  you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

-You  call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.

-Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

-Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

-You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or
to be loved by an infectious disease.

-You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend
that you're a stalk.

-You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

-You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity.  (cough)

-People  offer  you  help,  but  you  unfortunately  interpret  this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

-You like reading lists like this.

END
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