
               If Operating Systems were more like beer...
  
                                 Scott P


There is nothing better than a good beer...


DOS Beer:
Requires  you  to  use  your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions  carefully before opening the can.  Originally only came in an
8-oz.   can, but now comes in a 16-oz.  can.  However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz.  each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon  to  be  discontinued,  although  a  lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.


Mac Beer:
At  first,  came  only  a  16-oz.   can,  but now comes in a 32-oz.  can.
Considered  by  many  to be a "light" beer.  All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.  The ingredients list
is  not  on  the  can.  If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are
told  that  "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to
drag your empties to the trashcan.


Windows 3.1 Beer:
The  world's  most popular.  Comes in a 16-oz.  can that looks a lot like
Mac  Beer's.   Requires  that you already own a DOS Beer.  Claims that it
allows  you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you
can  only  drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes, for apparently no
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.


OS/2 Beer:
Comes  in  a  32-oz  can.   Does  allow  you  to  drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously.  Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
but  somewhat  slower.   Advertises  that its cans won't explode when you
open  them,  even  if  you  shake  them  up.  You never really see anyone
drinking   OS/2   Beer,   but   the   manufacturer   (International  Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.


Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
Beer.   It comes in 32-oz.  cans, but when you look inside, the cans only
have  16  oz.   of beer in them.  Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows  3.1  Beer  until  their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they
like  it.   The  ingredients  list, when you look at the small print, has
some  of  the  same  ingredients  that  come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.


Windows NT Beer:
Comes  in  32-oz.   cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.  This
causes  most  people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.  The
can  looks  just  like  Windows  3.1  Beer's, but the company promises to
change  the  can  to  look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95
beer  starts  shipping.   Touted  as  an  "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.


Unix Beer:
Comes  in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz.  to 64 oz.
Drinkers  of  Unix  Beer  display  fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim  that  all  the different brands taste almost identical.  Sometimes
the  pop-tops  break  off  when you try to open them, so you have to have
your  own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either
need  a  complete  set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking
Unix Beer for several years.


AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
by  some  weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.  This
beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
understand  marketing.   Like  Unix  Beer,  AmigaDOS  Beer  fans  are  an
extremely loyal and loud group.  It originally came in a 16-oz.  can, but
now  comes in 32-oz.  cans too.  When this can was originally introduced,
it  appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over
the  years,  so it appears dated now.  Critics of this beer claim that it
is only meant for watching TV anyway.


VMS Beer:
Requires  minimal  user  interaction,  except  for  popping  the  top and
sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain
extremely un-beer-like contents.  Best drunk in high pressure development
environments.    When   you   call  the  manufacturer  for  the  list  of
ingredients,  you're  told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown
listing  in  the  manuals published by the FDA.  Rumors are that this was
once  listed  in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no
one can claim to have actually seen it.

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