JAMES BROWN'S TOP TEN PRISON COMPLAINTS|Only two hair dryers for over 3,000 men!|Guards keep calling me "Little Richard"|Always getting leg caught in bars when doing the splits|Five packs of cigarettes for one bottle of Luster-Silk!|Prison library scandalously short of Jane Austen novels|Escape tunnel too narrow to shimmy in|Irritating snoring of Ike Turner|Death row guys always win talent show because of sympathy vote|Can't believe I'm in here and John Denver walks around free|Just hate being soul brother #175683
TOP TEN HEADLINES THAT WOULD START A PANIC|Casey Kasem Builds Own Nuclear Device|Yanks Swap Mattingly for Eve Arden|Walking Dead Stalk City, Demand Soul Kisses|It Turns Out You Really Need Your Tonsils|Seals & Croft, Brewer & Shipley to Form Supergroup|Nell Carter, Playboy Magazine Reach Terms|Constitution Thrown Out in Favor of Old "Marmaduke" Cartoon|"Sometimes When We Touch" Made National Anthem|Willie Nelson Discovered Washing Hair in New York City Water Supply|"Late Night" to Begin Top Twenty Lists
TOP TEN WORDS THAT ALMOST RHYME WITH "PEAS" (First EVER Top 10 List)|Heats|Rice|Moss|Ties|Needs|Lens|Ice|Nurse|Leaks|Meats
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD ON OUR FIRST SHOW (Second Top 10 List Ever)|"I think he used to play Chip on `My Three Sons'"|"It would be a shame if that band leader ever lost his magnificent head        of hair"|"My name is Dave--and I'm here to sing! Sing! Sing!"|"Oh no!  Not Kamarr the Magician"|"You can't come in here, Mr. Snyder.  Your show was cancelled"|"When's he gonna take out those gag teeth?"|"Can you use the restroom upstairs?  We're doing a show in here"|"I can't belive Lord Melman would stoop to doing American television"|"I sat through the show.  Now where's my tote bag?"|"He's no Dinah"
TOP TEN AMISH PICKUP LINES|Are thee at barn-raisings often?|If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee\n1    for thy number|Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?|You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black\n1    dress|Say, my favorite movie is "Witness" too!|Are thee a model?|There are so many phonies at these quilting bees.  Let's go someplace\n1    quiet|Thy buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job|I got Sinatra tickets|Are thee up for some plowing?
BATMAN'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES|After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody        he's not a professional wrestler|When you can see the outline of his underwear through his Bat suit|Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the\n1     Bat-mobile|Nuclear power sourse for utility belt has rendered him sterile|When really stupid people shout, "Hey!  Where's Tonto?"|When dry cleaner accidentally switches Bat suit and San Diego Chicken\n1    costume|When an episode focuses way too much on Jake (Oh, I'm sorry.  That's the       one of the pet peeves of the "Fatman")|Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman|The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can       summon him at night|When people call him "THE Batman." It's just "Batman," damn it!
TOP TEN CAMPAIGN PROMISES GEORGE BUSH IS SORRY HE MADE|To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO|To bite head off rat at first press conference|To bomb France back to the Stone Age|To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing|To appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarrete         in mouth|To deflower Brooke Shields on board the space shuttle Atlantis|To dispose of radioactive waste through the Home Shopping Network|At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbechev|To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch|To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR FAIRY TALES|The Gingerbread Man Chews Of His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear Trap|Geraldo and Gretel|The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants|The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharpton's Hair|Dr. Campo and the Magic Beans|Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People|Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey|George Bush Won't Raise Taxes|The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't|Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams
TOP TEN NEW ADVERTISING SLOGNAS FOR DELTA AIRLINES|We're Amtrak with Wings|Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program|Ask About Our Out-of-Count Settlements|Noisy Engines?  We'll Term 'Em Off!|Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall|Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You|The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides|Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us|Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose|We Might Be Landing on Your Street!
TOP TEN COMMERCIAL CASKET MODELS|The Dirt-Master|Tupper Tomb|Krazy-Kasket from Whammo|The Slim Reaper|The 19th Hole|McCoffin Styrofoam Casket|The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)|Cap'n Crypt|The Cardboard Warrior|The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM FLAVORS|Oprah Mocha|Raspberry Rash|Norieggnog|Cholesterol Chip|Zsa Zsa Gaboreo|Tiny Filoments o' Tungsten|Vap-O-Rub|Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets|Bus Depot Fudge|Hitle Ripple
TOP TEN CANINE DISORDERS OR DEBUTANTE COMPLAINTS|Distemper|Rabies|Broken heel|Wilted corsage|Mange|Out of shrimp|Heartworms|Warm Tab|Ticks|Kennel cough/Daddy's drunk   (tie)
TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES FROM SHIRLEY MacLAINE'S NEW BOOK|My Years with the White Sox|Pizza to Go--from Alpha Centauri|Leif Erikson; Lousy in the Sack|I Go Completely Nuts and Start Writing Books|I Was the 1,378,000th Burger Sold at McDonald's|Flying Saucers; More Dependable than Eastern|The Voices in My Head Argue Over Their Share of the Book Royalties|Is that a Crystal in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad To See Me?|Didn't I Already Write This Chapter?|I'M Crazy?  You Spent $21.95 on This Book!
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE|Hot Buttered Elves|Santa's Magic Lap|Babes in Boyland|Crisco Kringle|Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia|Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88|Not-So-Tiny Tim|Santa Goes 'Round-the-World|The Nutcracker Swede|I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS BY COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS|Buried in back of the newspaper|Have to share page with horoscope|Word ballon causes pressure on head|Body out of proportion|Poor sex life|Asked out on a date by Sluggo|Dizziness, vomiting from smell of newsprint|Mary Worth is "a real bringdown"|Garfield smells bad|I don't have thumbs
TOP TEN SUPRISES IN THE MR. PEANUT AUTOBIOGRAPHY|First name Keith|His mother was half cashew|Sleeps in big pile of dirt|Divorced First Mrs. Peanut after she became involved with a bag of trail       mix|The pillsbury dough boy?  Gay as a tangerine|Peanut language not that different from english|Once shot out TV screen when Robert Goulet appeared|Belongs to a country club which doesn't admit pistachios|High School Guidance counselor told him he'd never be anything but a\n1     huge unemployed freak|Once arrested wandering the port authority at down chanting "eat me!"
TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT THE DRUIDS|They used Stonehenge for their ceremonies|They regarded oak and mistletoe as sacred|They wore scary-looking hooded robes|They said "please" and "thank you" before and after human sacrifice|They studied the flights of birds to predict the future without aid of a       daily syndicated horoscope column|They kept hot drinks hot, cool drinks cool|They made fun of Roman soldiers wearing skirts|They sometimes worshipped a giant statue of Ray Charles|They claimed to be "born to lose"|They died out in the early fifth century/they partied like it was 1999         (tie)
TOP TEN COURSES FOR ATHELETES AT SMU|Subraction:  Addition's Tricky Pal|The First 30 Pages of A Tale of Two Cities:  Foundation of a Classic|Sandwich-making (final project required)|Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships:  The Interlocking        Economy|Pre-Law Seminar:  Age of Consent in the 50 States|The Denny's Menu:  Recent Discoveries|The Bunny and the Wolf:  Hand Shadow Workshop|Draw Winky|From "First Love" to "Looker":  The Films in Which Susan Dey Appears\n1     Naked|The Poetry of Hank Stram
DAN QUAYLE'S TOP TEN NATIONAL GUARD DUTIES|Make sure Armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks|Look through catalogs for cute gifts for officers' wives|Enforce "no horseplay" rule at public pools|Play hula girl on skit night|Make sure hot side stays hot, cool side cool|Make cool explosion sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades|Beat local Scout troops to best lakeside campsites|Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-Elevens|Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base|Round-the-clock blob watch
TOP TEN DISADVANTAGES OF WINNING A NOBEL PRIZE|Have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf|Automatically disqualifies you from being contestant on "Jeopardy"|Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender|More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services|Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics|Have to get in embarrassing kickline at end of ceremony with other\n1       winners|Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red\n1     Lobsters|Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer Prize winners usually end up in a brawl|Sarcasm of postman when he says, "Here's you new copy of `Big Jugs'\n1      magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate."|Don't see a dime from Mattel Nobel Prize action figures
LIBYA'S TOP TEN DEROGATORY TERMS FOR AMERICANS|Imperialist Pigs|Yankee Jackals|Milkshake-Swilling Devils|Bowling-Addicted Hyenas|Fess Parkers|Steak-Gorged Gunslingers|Red-White-and-Goofies|Hedge-Trimming Elvis-Lovers|Beardless Buick Jockeys|Golfshoe Geeks
TOP TEN DUKAKIS EXCUSES FOR LOSING IN '88|Forgot to wear "lucky" shorts|Thought election was first Tuesday in DECEMBER|It's just a bug popularity contest|Used Wendell to warm up campaign crowds|Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would vote for\n1       George Bush|Extensive campaigning in Belgium was waste of time|Fell for Bush's old "You-vote-for-me-and-I'll-vote-for-you" trick|-= Insert your own eyebrow joke here =-|Ill-advised pledge to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age"|Didn't care about Presidency; just wanted to win $20 bet that I could do       better than Mondale
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MOSCOW McDONALD'S|"You want turnips with that?"|"I'm spending three weeks' salary for this Happy Meal."|"The food was better in the gulag."|"In nine or ten years, when you do get a car, you'll really appreciate         the drive-thru window."|"Excuse me, comrade--my cold side is cold... but so is my hot side!"|"This sure beats driving a New York City cab."|"Volkov, KGB--What's in the secret sauce?"|"I'm sorry, Mrs. Gorbachev, we're not hiring."|"There go our Olympic hopes."|"This sucks.  Let's go to White Castle."
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR EXHIBITS AT THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME|The Tobacco Joice Fountain and Reflecting Pool|Babe Ruth's cup|What-It's-Like-to-Get-Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Nolan-Ryan-Fastball|The Yogi Berra Kissing Booth|The giant stack of Pete Rose's losing OTB tickets|Display case of garbage thrown at the San Diego Chicken|Stever Garvey's bed and on-deck circle|Cocktail glass filled with Billy Martin's knocked-out teeth|Scratch-a-Real-Big-Leaguer|The Audioanimatronic Mookie
TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS|Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops|Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer|Santa's union-busting goons killed a guy last spring|Black elves control weight room|R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol|Incredible markup at North Pole 7-Eleven|Workmen's compensation doesn't cover "mistletoe lung"|The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that's an Elvis complaint)|Dead elves just tossed out on tundra|Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi
BIGFOOT'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES|Fat guys who lounge around the camp-ground shirtless|Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts|Chicks who have a hang-up about lice-infested body hair|This Dan Quayle jerk|Kids today would rather see the San Diego Chicken|Lead role in The Ed Asner Story never materialized|The way squirrels smell when they're damp|Elvis always drops by right before dinner|Honking Winnebagos while you're trying to enjoy road kill|Driver's license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman
TOP TEN LEAST-KNOWN NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTINGS|A Boy's First Manicure|The Old Hobo's Infected Foot|The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout|Caught Touching Himself|Sniper in the Mall|Sweetheart of the Cell-Block|Christmas at the Hair Club for Men|Andrew Myeth Nails Helga|Bad Clams|Turn Your Head and Cough
TOP TEN EXPRESSIONS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT REALLY AREN'T|Frosting the Pastry|Shooting Hoops|Jumping the Turnstile|Checking Your Oil|Tethering the Blimp|Sending Out for Sushi|Picnic on the Grass|Quarter-Pounder at the Golden Arches|Shaking Hands with Abraham Lincoln|Wind-Surfing on Mount Baldy
TOP TEN FEARS OF McDONALD'S MANAGERS|Under excruciating torture, I might reveal ingredients of secret sauce|Customers will figure out fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same\n1     item|Hamburgler's nude, lifeless body will be found in a cheap hotel room\n1     somewhere down south|Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget|After sex with wife, might mistakenly say, "Do you want fries with\n1       that?"|One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and damn it--he's not       ready!|Something will happen to Bush|Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty\n1     inside|Someday a race of supercows will make paper-thin burgers out of ME|That might not be mayonnaise
TOP TEN CARNIVAL PICKUP LINES|I couldn't help noticing you throw up on the Tilt-a-Whirl|Is somebody frying dough or is that you?|But I have to put my hands there to guess your weight|I get off at nine, Senator Tower|After a nice candlelit dinner, I'll let you pound a nail into my head|I'm sure I've got a tattoo of your name on me somewhere...|How'd you like to become Mrs. Torso?|-= Instert your own corndog joke here =-|You know, if you didn't have that hard squinty look so common to\n1         carnival trash, you could be a model|Is that a ring toss game--or are you just glad to see me?
TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE NEW STEALTH BOMBER|Has two-inch ball hitch on back so it can pull Stealth trailer|Makes square and crescent-shaped ice cubes|Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo|Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage|Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down|Siren sounds if monster appears on wing, like in "Twilight Zone"|Nose cone opens to release giant spring-loaded boxing glove|Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a\n1       continent|Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khaddafy's        shorts|Kids fly free
TOP TEN GENERAL ELECTRIC PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT|Artificial appendix|Electric dreadlock de-tangler|TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent|3-speed back shaver|Secret beam that causes brains of Sylvania excecutives to balloon up\n1     until they burst|Telephone voice modulator that makes you sould like Alex Trebek|TV screen that makes every Cosby kid look black|New patio for Robert C. Wright's house|Zombie monkeys who operate waffle iron|The vibrating pocket-buddy
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT|Melting polar ice caps make for better surfing|Long lines at Disney World reduced by sunstroke|Within five years, Jerry Lewis's hair will be bone-dry|Can use "stuck in road tar" as acceptable excuse for missing work|ABC will take a 200-million-dollar bath on Winter Olympics|Intense heat should open pores in General Noriega's forehead|My dog-shaving buisiness will take off|"I'm dehydrated" will replace "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler"       as America's favorite phrase|Can cook lobster by lowering it into toilet|Hot babes, less clothes.  'Nuff said
TOP TEN HEADLINES IN HELL|Hitler Welcomes Mengele in Touching Ceremony|Icewater Canceled--Again!|Slumbering Carnivorous Worms Awaken in Very Bad Mood|Authorities Announce:  Everything to Feel "Itchier"|Satan Vows:  Steinbrenner's My Man for the Entire Season|Roy Cohn to Host Network Barbecue|Most Residents Prefer Flame-Broiling to Frying|Muzak to Feature "Up with People" for Rest of Eternity|Welcoming Party for Ayatollah Best Ever|We're Getting Cable!
TOP TEN FEARS OF SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR|Might someday have to chew on own leg off to escape from lint trap|Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats|He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts|People will find out about the mauled camper back in '78|Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male|First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her\n1          regularly|Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly\n1      suggesting that HE should be the Fabric Softener Bear|Something might happen to George Bush|Company dotors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains\n1    "snuggly" forever|The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower
ELVIS PRESLEY'S TOP TEN HOUSEHOLD HINTS|A little club soda will get out food stains out of satin capes|Bargain metal polishes may discolor your solid gold piano|Use blow-dryer to speed up defrosting time on TV dinners|A wad of gum will keep your medallion from sliding around your chest|Stubborn stain on auto upholstery?  Buy a new car|Jewel-encrusted belts make good emergency snow treads|Put Las Vegas souvenirs on mantel for that "museum" effect|Out of hair spray?  Try PAM|For a classy dessert, remove sticks from Eskimo Pies before serving|A small handgun makes any TV remote control
TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES|I'm down here|Just because I've got a bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy|I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi|I can get you off the naughty list|I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working with toys|I'm a magical being.  Take off your bra|No, no.  I don't bake cookies.  You're thinking of those dorks over at         Keebler|I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man|You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig|I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners
TOP TEN IRANIAN T-SHIRT SLOGANS|Iraq Busters|Surf Straits of Hormuz|Mom and Dad Blew Up a Busload of Tourists, and All I Got Was This Lousy        T-Shirt|Death to All Americans-Except Motley Crue|Official Veil Inspector|Kiss Me, I'm a Walking Time Bomb|I've Been Tested for Sand Chiggers|You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Set Yourself on Fire & Run into an Enemy         Tank--But It Sure Helps!|If you Don't Ride a Camel, You Ain't Shiite|Spuds Khomeini:  The Original Party Animal
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TIPS FROM GENERAL ELECTRIC|If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all|Florescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for the kids|Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm|Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by handing        out bonuses|Keeping several TVs and radios on all the time creates a feeling of\n1      warmth and intimacy|We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas|Same deal with Westinghouse|Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose|A G.E. industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer|Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out
TOP TEN INDY 500 PIT CREW PET PEEVES|Drivers who want a free NFL mug with every fill-up|Being played in the movies by Jim Nabors|Racers in such a hurry to get out of pit they run over your origami\n1      birds|For the rest of your life, any time you're in a car that gets a flat,\n1    everyone just assumes that you should fix it|They keep blacking out the good parts of the Rob Lowe video|It's hard to pick up checks while reeking of methane|The way those suction-cup Garfield dolls fall off at 230 miles per hour|Joke T-shirts that say "Pit Crew Guys Do It in Seven Seconds"|Really big dogs who get themselved booked on TV shows and then don't\n1     show up|Those pansies at Jiffy-Lube 