TOP TEN REASONS HUGH HEFNER WILL MAKE A GOOD FATHER|Can warm bottels of formula in the hot tub|Could teach child math while explaining how his half sister is older\n1     than his mother|No greater authority figure than a dad who hangs around all day in a\n1     bathrobe|Jimmy Caan always available to babysit|Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten"\n1       pictorial|If kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand|Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantuket"|Can teach youngster the facts of life using nude photos of Mom|Hef would make the swingingest Little League coach ever|If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them
TOP TEN WAYS AMERICAN CARS WOULD BE DIFFERENT HAD RALPH NADER NEVER BEEN BORN|Dashboard hibachis|Seat belts made of piano wire|Windshield replaced with ant farm for the kids|Stobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like old time movie|50-foot antennas allow you to broadcast while driving|Optional front-seat hammocks|Wiper fluid reservoir routinely filled with Thousand Island dressing|New York City taxis would be exactly the same|The paper Buick|Speedometer replaced with electronic voice chanting "Punch it! Punch\n1     it!"
JIM BAKKER'S TOP TEN PICKUP LINES|Pray here often?|Your eyes are the same color as my leisure suit|Let me give you my 800 number|What's your favorite--Old or New Testament?|I can give you a lift as far as Charlotte|If I don't get two million women by June first, God will kill me|But you're not married to your cousin YET|I look like a frog, but I love like a stallion|You're not Jewish, are you?|Tiffany Lurlene?  Why that was my mother's name!
CLEVELAND INDIAN PLAYERS' TOP TEN EXCUSES|Lost it in the lights|Thought ball would go foul|Ball took a wicked hop|Thought YOU had it|Fumes from artificial turf made my woozy|Feelings hurt by jeers of so-called fans|Had one of my spells|Just couldn't get Michelob Light jingle out of my head|Had bad clams for lunch|Distracted by high-pitched sounds only I can hear
SUBWAYS PUNKS' TOP TEN ETIQUETTE TIPS|When passing a sharpened screwdriver to a friend, remember--it's HANDLE        FIRST.|Don't be selfish; share your radio music with everyone else in the car|Always say, "Could I have five dollars, PLEASE?"|Allow your elders and ladies to jump turnstile ahead of you|Lookouts work as hard as anybody; a 15% gratuity is customary|Don't embarrass a victim by pointing out a fake Rolex|When two wolf packs meet in a car, the group moving from front to rear         has the right of way|Victims who don't press charges deserve a nice thank-you note|Learning a few phrases in a foreign language can save you minutes of\n1     fruitless shoving and slapping|Don't be greedy; leave some valuables for the next gang of toughs
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF NEW YORK CITY COPS|Police-band radio:  too much talk, not enough rock|Shoulder holster can only hold three doughnuts|Out-of-towners undertip|Jackie Onassis always kicks out windows in back of cruiser|Winter uniforms "too dowdy"|Not allowed to sell Amy products on beat|Forced to look the other way when Mayor "greets Merv Griffin"|"Dumb ads" too much like "small town news"|Only nice girls we meet are criminals|Commissioner too quick to call in Batman
DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN DRIVING TIPS|Firemen like it when you race along-side of them|If pursued by highway patrol, always pull over immediately, then try to        flee on foot|Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer|With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible|When transporting a monkey, don't let him take the wheel no matter how         much he screeches|To let other drivers know you are there, start blowing your horn as you        leave the driveway & don't stop until you reach your destination|Only use Bat chutes in a real emergency|An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun|There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan,\n1    Conneticut, police dept.  They are the usung heroes of the 20th century|When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents
TOP TEN "DEAR ABBY" LETTER SIGNATURES|Bewildered in Baltimore|Can't Sit Down in San Pedro|Female, Bearded and Happy|Bitter Soon-to-Be-Divorce Former Swedish Rock Star|Mr. Pelican Pants|Naked in James Garner's Garage|A Cleveland Baseball Team|Bryant Gumbel|In Prison and Loving It|P-Whipped in the White House
JOHN GOTTI'S TOP TEN TAX TIPS|You can deduct the entire piano even if you bought it just for the wire|Guys who escape from the trunk of your car may be considered business\n1    losses|No matter how much he relies on your business, a funeral director does         not count as a dependant|Another write-off:  long-distance calls to Pete Rose|You must accually kill someone in your home for it to qualify as "place        of business"|Three simple words to the auditor:  "How's your family?"|For a vacation to count as a business trip, return with 100 pounds of\n1    heroin|Smart-guy talk show hosts may end up with more medical expenses than\n1     they thought|When reporting income, be plausible.  No pizzeria in the world takes in        3 billion dollars a day|What H&R Block can't do, cement blocks can
TOP TEN CHILDREN'S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION|Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence|The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables|Legends of Scab Football|Teddy:  The Elf with a Detached Retina|Tommy Tune:  Boy Choreographer|Joe Garagoila Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remeber the Endings       to All of Them|Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse|Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will|Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off|The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
TOP TEN SOURCES OF FRICTION IN THE SCHWARZENEGGER-MARIA SHRIVER MARRIAGE|Language barrier|Forrest Sawyer drops in at all hours|Puts steroids in mint dish as practical joke|Uncle Ted always wants to arm wrestle|Thinks Jane Pauley is a "fabulous babe"|Refuses to learn words to "Edelweiss"|Muscle magazines leave no room in rack for Town & Country|Uses "bulking up" as excuse to eat like a pig|Rose always wants to arm wrestle|Body oil on the upholstery
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CANDY BARS|Lug Nut|Turkish Prison Taffy|Hardened Toothpaste Mind Patties|Sunoco Resin Chews|Reverend Al's Marshmallow Medallions|Mexican Monkey Brittle|Good 'N' Linty|Two Muskateers and a Guy with a Hacking Cough|Mookie Way|Roger Ebert's Mystery Log
DAN QUAYLE'S TOP TEN PICKUP LINES|Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?|How about a drink with a historical footnote?|I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you|Can my father buy you a drink?|You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp|I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckley's on the interstate|Look!  I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!|A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage he's done       to the Republican Party|I'll be Vice President after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges|Why, yes, I'm Pat Sajak
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT DISNEY WORLD|The Raw Sewage Flume|Oprah Mountain|Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper|Parade of short actors in stifling animal suits|Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room|Muggyland|Hall of Vice Presidents|Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt|Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp|Peter Pan's All-Male Cinema
THE EASTER BUNNY'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES|Having to cross I-95|Being mistaken for Shelley Duvall|Hopping induces vertigo|All the red trape involved in getting a liquor license|Finding out your date is just a furry pink house slipper|Can't we get someone bigger than Bob Barker as an anti-fur spokesman?|Drunken calls from Santa reminding you that the kids REALLY love him|When the Gambinos won't give you a lousy extra week to come up with the        cash|Jewish kids who own BB guns|Ticks in your fur the size of jelly beans
TOP TEN DONAHUE TOPICS IF DOGS RAN THE SHOW|Worm Pill Addicts|Dogs Who Use Cat Doors|Post-neutering Depression|Lady Mud Wrestlers (Well, they're not going to change EVERYTHING about         the show!)|Korea:  The Evil Empire|Those Romatic Pocono Tick Baths|Falling in Love with Your Vet|Owners Who Eat YOUR Leftovers|Why Quayle?|When to Stop Licking Yourself
TOP TEN LEAST-USED HYPHENATED WORDS|Lick-proof|Owl-flavored|Hat-resistant|Trunk-ripened|Gumbel-scented|Post-moistened|Hitler-riffic|Casket-tested|Pants-happy|Mookie-proofed
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR CHER'S NEW PERFUME|I Smell You, Babe|It's Like Having a Tatto in a Bottle|I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Perfume!|It's Cher-riffic!|The Crowning Touch to Excessive Plastic Surgery|It's Easier than Bathing|I Get 12 Cents for Every Bottle Sold|Now Any Middle-aged Woman Can Marry a Teenager|Easy-Pour Splatter-Proof Bottle|Bring Out the Bono in Your Man
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR PEPPERIDGE FARM COOKIES|Asbestos Snaps|Broccoloons|Tainted Oyster Dainties|Gravel Sandys|Cinnamon Sharptons|Cholesterol Chubbies|Spackle Swirlies|Mallomar Khaddafys|Monkey Clumps|Johnny Bench's Nut Cups
TOP TEN LEAST-LOVED CHRISTMAS STORIES|Amahl and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling|The Sweatiest Angel|Santa's Three-Day Eggnog Bender|Christmas Eve at the All-Male Cinema|A Holiday Visit from Salmonella|Ironman Mike Tyson Hurts Santa Real Bad|My Christmas Sauna with Burl Ives|Jack Frost Loses the Feeling in His Extremities|I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus|The Teddy Bear Who Came to Life and Mauled a Retail Clerk
TOP TEN SUMMER JOBS IN HELL|Intestine adjuster|Professional bownler chaperone|Pit bull tickler|Rex Reed's living chair|Cleveland Indians ticket scalper|Personal scratcher to Mr. Ed Asner|Understudy to big Kool-Aid pitcher|Hornet groomer|Staff psychologist, Islamic Jihad|Human axle, Raymond Burr's town car
TOP TEN DUTIES OF THE NEW JAPANESE EMPEROR|Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2 hours at\n1       funeral|Impress U.N. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu knife|Call Dan Quayle at 3 in the morning and scream "Banzai!" into the phone|Record "Your lights are on" for use in all talking Toyotas|Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Hollywood|Organize title fight between Mike Tyson and Mothra|Find "friends" for John Tower when he's in town|See that Yoko Ono's U.S. citizenship is kept up-to-date|Defend crown every 6 months as required by World Wrestling Federation\n1    bylaws|Make sure America isn't late with the rent check
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BROADWAY SHOWS|Oprah-homa!|Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner|Twelve Angry Men and a Baby|Sharptonmania|Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog and Monkey Rodeo|I'm not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler:  A Dramatic Reading by James         Earl Jones|David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic and Illusion|Meese!|Death of an Amway Salesman|Oh!  Velveeta!
TOP TEN TERRIFYING THOUGHTS THAT COME TO YOU AS YOU'RE FALLING ASLEEP|What if there are OTHER Stallone brothers?|That guy moving in next door sure looked a lot like Jon "Bowser" Bauman.|Could I get a rash on the INSIDE of my skin?|Did I really give Wendell my home number?|What if God is a lot like Howie Mandel?|I could've SWORN I saw Jimmy the Greek behind the hamper!|What if the musical "Cats" IS now and forever?|Is that MY hand?|What the hell is in secret sauce?|What if John Gotti didn't think I was kidding?
TOP TEN THINGS HEARD AT THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE|"Today, my name is Mayer O'Koch."|"All right!  ANOTHER bagpipe band."|"Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it."|"You have the right to remain silent..."|"That's not a float--that's Tip O'Neill."|"Aww... not on my shoes!"|"These foreign cars tip over much easier."|"Hey that guy's not wearing green--kill him!"|"While we're in the neighborhood, let's drop by the Museum of Modern\n1     Art."|"You'll get your own personal effects back downtown, Monsignor."
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT NEW YORK CITY PAY PHONES|"Nine-One-One? ... Sure, I'll Hold."|"Ooh.  What's this goo on the earpiece?"|"Mr. Gotti, that `leaky pipe' won't be bothering you anymore."|"It's a pushbutton phone, but I didn't use my fingers."|"This is Elvis.  Any messages for me?"|"You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."|"This is Frank Stallone.  I'm calling from my--uh--car phone."|"Gotta run--Don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer Olympic\n1     coverage broadcast September fifteenth to October fourth--only on NBC!"|"Is that a thumb in the coin return?"|"Hello.  Al Sharpton's office."
TOP TEN SUMMER SAFETY TIPS FROM JIMMY "THE WEASEL" FRATIANNO|In Italian restaurants, only order food to go|Wait one hour after eating before getting thrown in East River|No horseplay while swinging on a meathook|To avoid dehydration, drink plenty of fluids before being locked in a\n1    trunk|Always grasp knife by handle when removing it from your ribs|Always fasten your seat belt, even in a car compactor|When being held underwater, don't let flailing arms knock radio into tub|Don't be seen having brunch with Geraldo Rivera (good advice for\n1         anybody)|To avoid accidents at home, remember:  Drapes don't have shoes|Call Triple A to start your car in the event you want to start it
CAMPBELL'S TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR SOUPS|Cream of Gristle|Tomato Garagoila|Old-fashioned Grease and Weasel|Mink Bisque|Turkey with Platformate|Tap Water and Lawn Trimming|Turkish Prison Suprise|Bryant Gumbo|Sideburns 'N' Barley|Manhattan-Style Windex and Shrimp
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A SENIOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME|"Is that a signal or is he adjusting his truss?"|"A correction for you home viewers--that was NOT in slo-mo."|"Are those pinstripes or varicose veins?"|"Wow!  The wind really got under that hairpiece!"|"That's not Morgana!  That's Bea Arthur!"|"I'll bet he DOES live through the game, Mr. Rose."|"You wanna wake the guy in the on-deck circle?"|"Hey, batter!  Hey, batter! ... Uh, I forgot what I was going to say."|"Oatmeal!  Get your nice hot oatmeal!"|"Have you ever smelled so much Ben Gay?"
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE BERLIN WALL|"I came for the political freedom--I'm staying for the McRibs!"|"Is this the line for Batman?"|"So many Benettons!"|"As long as you're already in the trunk, let's go to a drive-in."|"We're coming to save you, Zsa Zsa!"|"Here in the West, we don't have to pay a lot for our muffler."|"Finally I can realize my lifelong dream of attending a taping of the\n1    PTL Club."|"Let's stay at Dave's house!"|"This ought to scare the crap out of the French."|"We're going to Disney World."
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY|"Pleased to meet you, Bo.  Is this Mrs. Diddley?"|"How was the food at the Betty Ford Center?"|"How come nobody's sitting with Albert Goldman?"|"The Archies haven't been the same since Jughead died."|"David Crosby wants to know if you're gonna finish your dessert."|"I'm sorry, Mr. Yastrzemski, but you're at the wrong banquet."|"Keith is such a healthy blue color."|"Sure the pay is good, but working with Letterman every night really\n1     sucks."|"Could you please lift your head out of my salad?"|"May I see some I.D., Mr. Presley?"
TOP TEN LINES FROM THE NEW STAR TREK MOVIE|Captain!  There's a horrible life form on your head!  Oh, sorry.  It's         your hairpiece.|Suprise!  Those aren't dilithium crystals--they're Folgers crystals!|Damn it, Jim!  I'm a doctor--not a very good actor!|Don't let Kirk show you what he calls "the Captain's log."|Computer analysis of the tape indicates it really is Rob Lowe.|Geez--I'm sick of you guys!|It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from Earth to        Trump.|Oh, yeah?  Well beam THIS up, pal!|What the hell is Don King doing here?|Screw the Final Frontier!  Let's go see Batman.
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN A G.E. RESEARCH LAB|"Wow!  Look at that stuff burn!"|"I keep forgetting which is AC and which is DC."|"Are you crazy?  Do you know how much a recall would cost?"|"Whoops!"|"Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine."|"Hey!  I think this is the episode where they almost get of the island!"|"What we save on the radiation shild, we can put into advertising."|"The new guy developed a new long-lasting inexpensive filament.  Kill\n1    him."|"The squid is no longer responding to the mind control!  Aaiieeeeee!"|"Here comes the tour group.  Put your pants on."
TOP TEN OTHER THREATS GOD MADE TO ORAL ROBERTS|Send him Redd Foxx as a houseguest|Make him die-hard Seattle Mariners fan|Force him to spend lots of his free time with Judd Nelson|Have the figures on his Civil War chess set come alive and make fun of         his clothing|Give Fred "The Hammer" Williamson the power to strip-search him at any         time|Force him to lend pocket comb to Jerry Lewis|Pepper his speech with "okie-dokies"|Disturb his sleep with 3 a.m. phone calls from a teary-eyed Larry King|Take all black players off the Oral Roberts University basketball team|Make him spend eternity in a Bonanza Steakhouse with Carol Channing
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ASKED ON THE NBC TOUR|Who plays the part of Tom Brokaw on the Nightly News?|Are all those rats for a show?|Can I slap Gene Shalit?|Why do we have to wear goggles around the "Today" show set?|How art thou, brother?  (Quakers only)|When do we get to the shark?|Why can't people live in peace together|Does Roger Mudd give every tour the finger?|Can I have my money back?|Whaddya mean--Cosby's in Brooklyn?
TOP TEN THINGS SHIRLEY MacLAINE WAS IN PREVIOUS LIVES|George Washington's special friend Howie|Original Darren on "Bewitched"|Big dumb fish (mid-thirteenth century)|Confucius groupie|Equipment manager, Buffalo Sabers|Undercooked chop sent back by President Wilson|Another big dumb fish (late sixteenth century)|Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake on "M.A.S.H." (Oops, I'm sorry, that's\n1    McLean Stevenson)|Plankton eaten by big dumb fish (eary nineteenth century)|Can of Stop 'N' Shop diagnally sliced green beans
TOP TEN THINGS COMMUNISTS ARE NO DAMN GOOD AT|Surfing|Imitating Elvis|Laying rubber in front of the Dairy Queen|Arena football|Stage-diving at Motorhead concerts|Broadcasting warm sitcoms featuring lovable black families|Naming soft ice cream cakes|Ball-scuffing|Producing a boxer with as much heart as Rocky|Guessing Final Jeopardy
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF DISNEY WORLD|Driving down Main Street U.S.A. with Bambi's mother strapped to your\n1     fender|Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat|Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz|Taunting the guy in the Pluto costume for not being able to get a better       job|Declaring loudly, "I DO believe in Tinkerbell" in the men's room|Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-whacker|After biting into snack bar sandwich saying "I taste mouse"|Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest|Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear|Bringing your own mouse suit
TOM BROKAW'S TOP TEN TURN-ONS|Long walks on the beach|A perfumed bath on a rainy afternoon|Raisa Gorbachev in a waitress uniform|Doing the news with no pants on|When they sneak some swear words into a PG movie|Connie Chung's discarded makeup sponges|Slow dancing in the White House briefing room|Body glitter|Hand-gliding nude over state prisons|Fat checkout girls who wear a ton of makeup
TOP TEN UNPLEASANT THINGS TO HEAR ON AN ELEVATOR|Does this look infected to you?|Do you know these pants are reversible?|Hold the door!  Willard's coming!|The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodeling|Sorry about my finger.  I was aiming for a button|Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?|We're both going to the fourteenth floor.  How about a hug?|I'm not a just a Jehovah's Witness--I also sell insurance|Does this smell loke root beer to you?|Just ignore Duke.  We're going to have him fixed soon.