TOP TEN SIGNS THAT PEOPLE ARE GETTING DUMBER|Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks|The new Brady Bunch show|Nobel Prize for Literature given to guy who first hyphenated "Oat-bran"|Quaylemania!|Japanese successfully marketing a TV set that's just a cardboard box\n1     with a picture of Fess Parker inside it|Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making|Most Americans can name no more than two of the four dancing raisins|People will applaud even when no joke has been made|Presidential seal now reads, "I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler"|The Letterman show is still on the air
TOP TEN REJECTED NBA PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS|It's Dribble-riffic!|A Couple of White Guys Sitting Around the Bench Talking|At Least Our Commissioner Isn't Named "Fay"|We Hope That Squeaking Sneaker Sound Doesn't Drive You Nuts|No George Steinbrenner!|Like Big Sweaty Ballerinas|Sit Up Close and Smell the Exitement!|Unlike Bowling--No Fat Guys|Come See Our Johnsons!|NBA--We're Easy to Spell!
TOP TEN REJECTED CIRCUS SLOGANS|Catch clown fever!|Come smell the exitement!|Yes!  We have middle-aged women in spangled bikinis!|Don't wear shoes you care about.|The lowest-paid performers on earth--we pass the savings on to you!|Our clowns have all their shots!|No shirt. No shoes. No problem!|Come see us before the immigration department does!|Ever see camels do it?|Come have a corndog with the human torso!
TOP TEN WAYS LAS VEGAS IS BETTER THAN PARIS|Vegas not crawling with Frenchmen|Impossible to get "I Crapped Out in Paris" T-shirts|Hard to get change in Louvre at 4 A.M.|Paris inconveniently located thousands of miles from nuclear test sites|Sorbonne basketball team is five tiny white guys|Paris: men in berets on bicycles.  Las Vegas: orangutans in cowboy hats        on unicycles|Vegas didn't lose a single inch of ground to Nazi war machine|Palace of Versailles does not offer double jackpot time every 15 minutes|Ten dollars won't buy you sex act in desert outside Paris|Las Vegans: hardworking, patriotic citizens.  Parisians: lazy, wine\n1      swilling cheeseheads
TOP TEN WAYS LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF DOGS RAN THE WORLD|More Donahue shows about shedding|Presidential candidates more likely to stop in mid-speech and sniff base       of podium|Cats must report address to post office every year|Procter and Gamble introduces new liver-flavored Crest|Drinking from toilet no longer a faux pas|Museums filled with still lifes of table scraps|Constitutional amendment extends vote to wolves|TV commvercial altered so dog catches and devours little chuckwagon|Monument in Washington commemorates "Our Neutered Brothers"|All motorists must drive with head out of car window
TOP TEN DONALD TRUMP PICKUP LINES|How'd you like to be a New York Post headline?|Haven't I evicted you somewhere before?|You don't know Marvin Mitchelson, do you?|Care to take a ride on the Trump Shuttle?|I'd like to do to you what I did to Merv|I can introduce you to Don King|Hello, I'm Donald Trump|Tired of always running to the automated cash machine?|I'm good friends with Dave Letterman|That IS a role of hundreds in my pocket--AND I'm glad to see you
TOP TEN DALAI LAMA WILL SPEND HIS NOBEL PRIZE MONEY|Get saxophone out of hock|No more "budget" English muffins|Give Cadillacs to Sonny and Red|New kitchen cabinets for Mrs. Lama|Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it|Ball out Merv Griffin|Put finishing touches on Lamaland Amusement Park|Kegger!|Hush money to former temple secretary|One seriously large order of McDonald's french fries 
TOP TEN WAYS DAN RATHER COULD CONCLUDE "THE CBS EVENING NEWS"|Put finger in cheek; make cork-popping sound|Pretend to "sweep up" spot light on floor|Say "Nighty-night" and put head on desk|Reveal which news story of the evening was the fake one|Lips lips and say, "Mmm-mmm, time for pie!"|Give coded message to "Li'l Newshounds" fan club|Wink and say, "Pour the gin, Lydia, I'm on my way home."|Hurl sweat-soaked scarf to female fans|Light big cigar and say, "Ha-ha!  See you tomarrow, suckers!"|Feed carrot to CBS News bunny
TOP TEN WAYS TO ADD EXITEMENT TO A LONG CAR TRIP|Play "auto-bingo"|Try to eat ear of corn while steering|Play connect-the-dots with dead bugs on winshield|Practice sudden bootlegger turns|When traffic is light, drop pants around your ankles|Have long conversations with imaginary friends after picking up\n1          hitch-hikers|Lean on horn and swerve as you approach stalled motorists|Tune to static on the radio and pretend you're the last person on earth|See how long you can drive with your eyes closed|Talk guy behind counter at Stuckey's into leaving family and joining you
TOP TEN REJECTED DONAHUE TOPICS|People who keep thinking it's Tuesday|Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland|Problems of guys named Don|People who have seen Raymond Burr naked|Blacks who really get a kick out of Sonny Bono|Department store Santas who marry their customers|People who swear Rex Reed stares in their window at night|Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape|Women who just can't forget Ted Bessell|Professional bowlers who touch themselves
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE GEORGE BUSH MORE EXCITING|Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV|Divorce Barbara; marry 13-year-old cousin|Stick his tongue in Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference|Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with\n1     neckace made of bear teeth|Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the\n1             Bushmeister"|Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember"|Have him bend standing microphone into pretzel shape; give to cub\n1        reporter as souvenir|Nickname him George "the sexecutioner" Bush|Start hanging with Earth, Wind and Fire|Shorter speeches, tighter pants
TOP TEN BODY PARTS OR VAN PATTENS|Heart|Kidney|Vincent|Trachea|Joyce|James|Bladder|Timothy|Spleen|Dick
TOP TEN WAYS PEOPLE PRONOUNCE "BOLOGNA"|Balogna (Ba Lo Nah)|Baloney (Ba Lo Nee)|Balonia (Ba Lo Nya)|Ballooning (Ba Lun Ing)|Fellini (Fe Lee Nee)|Abalone (A Buh Lo Nee)|Papillion (Pa Pee Yon)|Aloney-bay (Uh Lo Nee Bay)|Bloney (Blo Nee)|Bumoney (Buh Mo Nee)
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE COMMUNISM FUN AGAIN|Spell it with a "K."|Have Castro do guest shot on "Cosby"|Add mechanical shark attraction at Lenin's Tomb|Have Revlon introduce new "Khmer Rouge"|Give everybody red birthmark decals to wear on forehead|Adopt "Lovable Loser" persona--like the '61 Mets|Get Skip Gorbachev to do a "Not Your Father's Oldsmobile" commercial|Hire "The Chicken" to disrupt Politburo meetings|Have Deng Xiaopeng cry during Barbara Walters interview|Less centralized economic planning; more rock
YASIR ARAFAT'S TOP TEN WAYS TO IMPROVE THE PLO'S IMAGE|Award frequent flyer mileage during hijackings|Pass out marshmallows at firebombings|Have Itzhak Perlman over for a nice piece of fish|Put really funny message on on office answering machine|Change name to "Palestinian Good Olds Guys"|Promise that for every airport bombing, we'll donate 50 cents to the\n1     Sierra Club|Kidnap Geraldo.  Keep him|Expell Jim and Tammy from ministry; freeze their assets (I'm sorry,\n1      that's how to improve the PTL's image)|Lots of Binaca|New slogan: "You're never fully dressed without a smile"
MIKE TYSON'S TOP TEN WAYS TO MEND A BROKEN HEART|Take a warm bath, sip a fine brandy and toss a sofa through a\n1            plate-glass window|Spend week trout-fishing with Don King|Compare your own life with Leon Spinks'|Float rose petals in your spit bucket|Put on as much gold jewelry as your spine can withstand|Remember:  There are plenty of heartless, calculating gold diggers in\n1    the sea|Remind yourself that your best years as a casino-greeter lie ahead|Rush into a hasty marriage with Brigitte Nielsen|Pictionary, Pictionary, Pictionary!|Try to see the good in each new mother/daughter team you go out with
TOP TEN UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS|Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol|Hasbro's Slippery Steps|Black & Decker Silly Driller|Roof Hanger Paratrooper Outfit|Remco's Pocket Hive|Traffic Tag|Will It Burn?  From Parker Brothers|Chimney Explorer|My First Ferret Farm|Ooh--You're Blue!, the Hold-Your-Breath Game
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE REALLY IN LOVE WITH TOM BROKAW|You hear Tom's voice, even when the news isn't on|You think the new Whitney Houston song was written just for you and Tom|Your picture of Dan Rather suddenly seems so childish|You get a queasy feeling when he jokes with Connie Chung|You daydream about him working on his car with his shirt off|You pray for international catastrophes so there will be more special\n1    reports|Your license plate is "LUVTOM"|You have videocassettes of is three MGM musicals from the '50s|You snatch his clothes from the laundromat dryer|You derail Amtrak trains to get his attention
TOP TEN NAMES FOR ROBERT BORK'S BEARD|The Chin Slinky|The Amish Outlaw|The See-Through|My Very First Beard--from Kenner!|The Lunatic Fringe|Senor Itchy|The Radioactive Goat|Salute to C. Evertt Koop|Gopher Butt|The Babe Magnet
TOP TEN NUMBERS BETWEEN ONE AND TEN|Seven|Four|Ten|Three|Eight and a half|Nine|Two|One|Eight|Five and Six   (tie)
TOP TEN PAPERS WRITTEN BY BROOKE SHIELDS AT PRINCETON|William Shakespeare:  His Poetry Rates a Ten|A Chemical Process in Three Stages:  Lather, Rinse, Repeat|Girls with Thin Eyebrows:  Hideous Freaks of Nature|Cliff Notes Versus Monarch Notes:  Two Views of Hamlet|Circles, Flowers, a Smiling Guy:  So Many Ways to Dot the "I"|The Pushy Overbearing Mother Figure in Literature|Pretty Leaves I Found Outside Somewhere|Black Americans:  What I Hope to Say When I Meet One|Philosophy:  Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?|The Male Organ:  What It Might Look Like
TOP TEN PROM THEMES|We Remember Khomeini|Our Sagging Dollar|A Night in Drew Barrymore's Basement|Mudslide!|The Best Years of Our Lives Are Now Over|Satanic Teenage Time Bombs|Surrounded by Infected Ticks|Our Crummy Gym with a Couple of Streamers|Rob Lowe Pajama Party|McDonald's Is Hiring
TOP TEN PUNCH LINES TO SCOTTISH DIRTY JOKES|It took me a fortnight to get out of the thistles|I didn't know you could also get wool from them!|It's not a bagpipe, but don't stop playing|What made you think I was talking about golf?|I've heard of comin' through the rye--but this is rediculous!|Of course she's served millions--she's a McDonald|Oh, so YOU'RE Wade Boggs|Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?|Who's burning argyles?|She's in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ASKED ON THE WHITE HOUSE TOUR|Can I crash here tonight?|What number president was Martin Sheen?|Hey, cool!  Whose slot cars?|When will we reach Elvis' final resting place?|How can George Bush STAND her?|Can a man really be in love with two women at the same time?|Why are your hamburgers square? (Oops, that's the White CASTLE tour)|When's the next showing of Captain Eo?|Are you cooking beans?|Wow!  Who's the blonde with Weinberger?
TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE LETTERMAN ESTATE|Camp David|Graceland North|Drifter's Haven|The Old Helmsley Place|Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker|The Deep Woods Tick Ranch|The Taj Mahal Gurnee|The House that Ruth Buzzi Built|The Swankienda|Shangri-Dave
TOP TEN QUESTIONS SCIENCE CANNOT ANSWER|Which one's Kate and which one's Allie|How did Ed McMahon get my house address?|How can those guys on the street sell real Rolexes for ten bucks?|Why don't the laws of physics inhibit the expansion of Paul Prudhomme?|How can those wresling refs miss so many illegal holds?|How could the IRS be so dense about my so-called "church"?|Why do men achieve orgasm in a second while women never have them?|Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, did he never complain about having to stand         in straw soaked in his own urine?|How can a list of ten short items seem to take an hour to read?|What exactly was Jimmy the Greek bred for?
TOP TEN RASTA EXPRESSIONS OR BASEBALL CHATTER|Hey batter, hey batter|Him a natty dread mon|Lively up yourslef|No batter, no batter|Easy out|Ride, natty, ride|Stick it in his ear|Hungry mon is an angry mon|Make him pitch to ya|Easy shanking/Hum babe   (tie)
TOP TEN THINGS WE AS AMERICANS CAN BE PROUD OF|Attendance at Liza Minnelli concerts still optional|Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded UFOs|Many newspapers feature "Jumble," that scrambled word game|Crumbling landmarks torn down--not made a big fuss over|Hourly motel rates|Vast majority of Elvis movies made here|Didn't just give up right away in World War II like some countries we could mention|Goatees and vandykes thought to be worn only be weenies|Our well-behaved golf professionals|Fabulous babes coast to coast
TOP TEN REASONS CONGRESS DESERVES A PAY HIKE|Many big corporations cutting back on bribes|Because of C-Span, they all had to buy hairpieces|Tired of carpooling with Barney Frank|Tired of Congressman Fred Grandy's taunts about all the dough he's\n1       making from "Love Boat" reruns|Most of D.C.'s topless bars have raised their cover|Our nation's lawmakers ought to make at least a fraction of the annual         income of the "Hey, Vern" guy|Worked long hours trying to keep down minimum wage|Maybe they'll stop complaining about salaries and start doing something        about our nations oppressive highway speed limits|Close to half have never been indicted|If raise doesn't go though, have vowed to turn the whole thing over to         Quayle
TOP TEN INTERVIEW QUESTIONS ASKED MISS AMERICA CONTESTANTS|Which is your favorite dancing raisin?|Can you spell your home state without looking at your banner?|How does it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?|How much of your scholorship money have you lost in the slots?|If you were stranded on a desert island with a shampoo for oily hair and       creme rinse for dry hair--what would you do?|Aren't there any other girls in your state?|Don't you want some ointment on that?|Are those real?|Don't you have anything better to do?|Would you consider teaming up with Miss Teen U.S.A. to fight crime like        Batman and Robin?
TOP TEN REASONS TO DISCONTINUE TOP TEN LISTS|Snide remarks overheard on elevator|Pressure from the big money boys|Movie deal not materializing|Provides grist for Soviet propaganda mill|Affiliates near mutiny|Pits brother against brother|Looks shabby next to "Soup of the Day"|Moving plea from Council of Bishops|Complaints of drowsiness|Angry letter from Lou Rawls
PRINCESS DIANA'S TOP TEN COMPLAINS ABOUT PRINCE CHARLES|Repulsive orange teeth after scarging down entire bag of Cheetos|Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom|Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards|That phony British accent|Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter|Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef|Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons"|Always calls Pizza Hut before we've decided on topping we want|Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah"|Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts
TOP TEN REASONS TO VOTE|The chance to take a deep breath in a high school gymnasium|Good practice for voting in TV's "People's Choice" awards|Exciting to pretend big red lever is actually power switch to electric         chair|Free pamphlets!|When you finish, Red Cross nurse gives you delicious cookies|To keep resident Canadians under control|You can shout over closed voting booth curtain, "Hey!  Who used up all         the conditioner?"|So we can thumb our noses at the Mexicans and their King|So you'll feel personally involved when new mayor gets hauled off to\n1     jail|Even though it's never come close to happening in over 200 years, your         one vote could make a difference!
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE U.S. IS BETTER THAN SWITZERLAND|Our cheese comes wrapped in individual slices|Our army carries foot-long bayonets; their army carries corkscrews and         tweezers|Swiss heavyweight champion cries like a baby when he gets hit|Swiss noontime cuckoo din causes ears to bleed|So-called "little girls" in Heidi costumes actually hard-boiled midgets        with rap sheets as long as your arm|Countdown of Top 40 yodeling hits wears thin around number 20|People on Swiss streets routinely get into fistfights over the correct         time|Swiss steak.  'Nuff said|While they were dipping fondue, we were kicking Nazi butt|We don't have the word "Switzer" in our name
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN BOOKS|Book readers miss out on K-Tel record offers|Can't drive and read at the same time|No one ever got a paper cut from Hugh Downs|Books ask difficult questions, but don't give away cars or Caribbean\n1     cruises for right answers|Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of chesty babes|"Soul Train"|Learning to work TV set solid training for future astronauts|"TV" easier to spell than "book"|No fun to dance in your underwear in front of book about Jane Pauly|Ralph Waldo Emerson... "The Equalizer"! ... 'Nuff said.
TOP TEN REJECTED NAMES FOR JOAN COLLINS' PERFUME|Fleet's in!|Who's Frying Eggs?|Better than that Crap Linda Evans Is Selling|Sixtysomething|If Symptoms Persist, Contact Your Doctor|Suddenly Exxon!|Kennel Cough|Joan Collins' Latest Cynical Attempt to Cash in on Her Popularity before       the Whole World Gets Sick and Tired of Her Once and for All|REALLY Old Spice|Next!
TOP TEN REJECTED PROVISIONS OF THE CONSTITUTION|President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him up         in junior high school|Give vote to dogs who "think they're people"|When the flag passes, everybody has to open eyes as wide as the can and        say "Gollee!"|Third House of Congress to be filled by really fat guys|If President and Vice President die suddenly, office shall be filled by        People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"|Cruel and unusual punishment is ok on Andy Rooney|The national bird must be served on a bun, never on a stick|Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking\n1    babes|Damage deposit of $25 required before renting White House for keg\n1        parties|The President can change his last name as often as he likes
TOP TEN ROB LOWE PICKUP LINES|I promise I won't sing|BETA or VHS?|I was on HBO forty times last month|I'm a thinking man's Matt Dillon|How'd you like to get on that Maury Povich show?|What a coincidence! You want to be an actress and I have a video camera!|Care to slip into this Snow White costume?|Would you describe your mother as "litigious"?|Don't worry, It'll be like the rest of my movies--nobody will see it|Why--you're as pretty as I am!
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT CHEF BOY-AR-DEE IS LOSING HIS MIND|Believes Speghetti-Os can be used as birth-control device|Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne|Recently got engaged to Robin Givens|Test marketing "Pasta 'N' Thumbs"|At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the Boy back       into Boy-ar-dee!"|Paranoid delusion that his wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben|Every few minutes, and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top       of his lungs|Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman|Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger|Taken to spashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering through the       bus station chanting "Lick me"
TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE IS GETTING MORE RESPECT|Casey Kasem now accepting his calls|Tour groups no longer allowed to use his bathroom|Network news anchors no longer make quotation marks with fingers when\n1    they say "The Vice President"|His confidential Secret Service code name now differs from his actual\n1    name|No longer gets newspapers AFTER the White House puppies|Crediblility soared when public found out he wasn't the captain of that        Exxon tanker|Gets to use deep end in White House pool|Even I'M tired of making jokes about him|People now tell him he's no TED Kennedy|No longer has to wear paper hat saying "Trainee"