             Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards



    Started off on the Grand Quest for True Love on the windy morning of

    April 3, a Wednesday. Checked the place where I'd been dropped off and

    saw there was a taxi stand outside but this was no hot news; I'd just

    paid for the ride out here because Lefty's sounded like as good a place

    to start an impossible mission as any.



    Cracked up my speed a little and took on a faster stroll than hitherto.

    Opened the door of the dilapidated building and went right up to the

    only woman in the bar. All muscles no play makes Larry a naughty boy?

    Better get myself one of the good ol' whiskeys before checking out a

    place the likes of which would have been restricted from most b-movies

    - I had the nasty feeling this place was frequented mostly by roaches

    and their likes.



    One smell of that whiskey was enough to convince me that I might as

    well stay sober for a while. A certain urge arose and I went into the

    back, where my attention was caught by two items - one of which was a

    drunk who was lying in the middle of a small pool that was testimony to

    the fact that he just hadn't made it to the restroom. I offered the

    poor lamb my whiskey and damn if he didn't start making noises; took a

    little while but I did end up with a remote, whatever it was good for.

    I never could say no to a sucker.



    Went into the lavatory and finally found a place free of roaches;

    probably on account of the fact even their kind couldn't survive this

    kind of a stench. Did some interesting reading - and not all of it in

    the newspaper - and picked up a diamond ring en passant. Washed my

    hands and got the hell out of there before I caught some kind of

    infection.



    On my way outside I noticed a naugahyde door that no doubt led into the

    local pimp's domain but despite a certain longing I remembered one of

    the first lesson's my mother gave me and decided not to investigate a

    place that was bound to have an unpleasant surprise for those not

    equipped with the necessary safeties.



    Outside, I called a cab.



    "Yo! Taxi!"



    LEISURE SUIT LARRY IN THE LAND OF THE LOUNGE LIZARDS by SIERRA



    First of all, let me point out that Leisure Suit Larry (LSL) is not

    like most of the adventure games I usually write about. LSL has nothing

    to do with sword & sorcery, dungeons & dragons, cloak & dagger,

    whatever. LSL is a game reportedly for adults only; and although I am

    not at all interested in (and usually turned off by) a lot of software

    in the so-called softporn category because in my personal opinion it's

    basically tasteless, cheap and ugly, I dare say Sierra's (remember

    King's Quest?) Leisure Suit Larry is a completely different story

    altogether because a) the programmers have had the good taste not to

    become vulgar or obscene in terms of visual or textual detail and b)

    these very same programmers have realized that the best way to make a

    semi-sexual adventure acceptable to a large public is to put the accent

    on humor. Which is where you have the reason I like, and thus write

    about this game - LSL is so full of witticisms, sarcasms and ironics

    that I played and finished the whole thing in less than a day. (I

    hereby admit a moderate state of intoxication did exist.)



    Ah! Here's the cabby.



    Cabbie nearly drove me over but must have realised that custumors need

    to be alive to pay their fares. I entered, wondering just how long I'd

    be able to keep in my breath. I gave up and after a short exchange we

    decided that the local convenience shop was definitely a must for a

    new-in-town. I made a senseless call at a public phone there, then went

    in quickly as the swaggering figure of a drunk arrived, accompanied by

    a dog with an obvious fascination for hydrants - and other slow-moving

    elements on the pavement.



    I bought three items in the shop, the last of which could have been

    handled more discreetly by the bigmouth owner. I was highly inclined to

    just walk out without paying when I saw the .44 behind his counter. No

    way to outrun a bullet.



    Outside, I traded the first item for a little pocket knife (you never

    know when a knife comes in handy) and subsequently had the cabbie drive

    me over to Lefty's again. I was somewhat curious about that naugahyde

    door and besides this hot new item was just burning in my pocket.



    I rapped my knuckles on the door and the sliding panel revealed the

    bloated face of the pimp. Gave him the password and subsequently

    entered a basically empty room where the only important item - not

    counting the pimp - was a tv set with the knob broken. I tried to get

    past the pimp upstairs but he wouldn't let me, and my name isn't Larry

    if I have to pay to get laid. So I took out my weapon (never thought

    I'd be grateful for that remote control) and switched on the

    television.



    "Oh John! - oh Marsha!

    Oh John! - Oh Marsha!

    OH John! - OH Marsha!

    OH JOHN! - OH MARSHA!"



    Another boring soap opera. The pimp looked vaguely interested, but not

    enough to leave his place by the staircase. I switched channels from

    one dreadful program to another and although a couple of times I was

    absolutely sure that this was it the pimp seemed not to think anything

    much of my taste - he did keep on watching, which urged me into

    continuing the checks.



    Somewhere in the umpteenth show, right at the time of my third yawn, I

    reached the "cultural level" of the pimp and witnessed the astounding

    speed his oversized body achieved while making its way to the

    television. I bumped into him, he pushed me away and I quickly went up

    the unguarded stairs.



    The room upstairs was occupied by a repulsive hooker the likes of which

    would have scared off a rhinoceros. I made a quick search through the

    apartment and, figuring that she liked gum much better anyway, made

    myself the owner of a box of chocolates.



    Before confronting the girl on a sexual level, I took off my clothes,

    ignoring the look of utter disdain that disfigured the already

    repellant face as I wrestled with my newly acquired hifi prophylactic -

    no wasted luxury in this place.



    I went through the moves but it was all far from satisfactory, if only

    because a midnight stand is not my idea of the Great Love. I did not

    forget to remove the rubber as I dressed again, sad and melancholy.

    Anyway, doubtful about the reaction of the pimp I evaded the stairs and

    left through the window. Trying to move the ladder I found it was

    stuck; an attempt to make it do what I wanted it to do resulted in a

    fall - right in the middle of a (yuck!) trash container. I did pick up

    something interesting there and, getting out quickly, I went to the

    front of Lefty's and once more took a cab.



    Went straight to the casino to find out if there was any action in this

    town and met a guy who seemed to think he was Adam or something. I

    never did find a decent slot machine in that place but blackjack's my

    specialty so I had a little fun at the tables and decided to check out

    the rest of the joint. Went to the back and noticed a disco pass

    occupying valuable space in the ashtray; I had the good manners to take

    it out. Passed by the elevator on my way to the cabaret, where there

    was a show going on. Them dames could dance, you betcha!



    Got up with the elevator all the way to the roof. When I came out I

    noticed a real nice-looking but somewhat overdressed desk-clerk

    handling paper work. Thinking how much nicer it would be to handle each

    other, I started some smooth talk. Nice chat altogether (could you ever

    resist a woman by the name of Faith?) but I finally had to conclude

    that some chemicals were needed here. Now where had I seen a bottle of

    familiar-looking pills?



    Somewhat turned off by the unhappy sequence of events, I decided I

    might as well spend my lonely evening in the local disco. The bouncer

    pretended to recognise me when I showed him the pass; he was a

    well-educated kind of guy. I went inside and damn if I didn't get the

    impression that half the male population was eyeing a beautiful blonde

    sitting at a table all by her lonesome. I went over, and something in

    her eyes told me that I needn't ask to sit down - just do it. Acting on

    instinct, I offered a rose. Fawn seemed to just love roses - before I

    had a chance to ask she was out on the dance floor waiting for me. I

    ignored the jealous stares from the male population and did my very

    best to impress her with some fancy footwork.



    Back at the table, she accepted two more items (Fawn was so intensely

    beautiful and charming I would have given her anything) and before I

    knew what was going on we were talking about getting married. If I had

    a quick hundred for the Honeymoon Suite. I didn't, but Fawn, although a

    great teaser, promised to wait for me while I did my thing at the

    Casino.



    I did more than just my thing and left with the maximum allowed profit,

    figuring that a sophisticated girl like Fawn would probably have an

    expensive taste - also, I realised that wedding services aren't usually

    free.



    She was still there when I got back, and we went to the Quicky Wed

    church. The only place we could find and it was cheap in everything -

    except the fee. Wed and well, Fawn told me to meet her later, in the

    Honeymoon Suite. I went there, and somehow something just wasn't quite

    what it should be. Some champagne, perhaps?  Room service was

    non-existent; the phone downstairs had been viciously violated. I

    dropped in at the cabaret to see if there was any chance of getting a

    bottle but the ancient entertainer never stopped talking. He did tell

    me a couple of new ones, though.



    The only thing left to do was go back to where I'd used the phone

    before and hope the little dog wouldn't piss on me. I ordered some fine

    wine to be delivered to our room at the Casino Hotel and went back as

    fast as I could.  Fawn was ready, willing and eager and before I knew

    it I was undressed, on the bed and anxiously waiting. Fawn was fooling

    around with some rope and I was just about to ask her what kinky stuff

    she had in mind when I found myself tied to the bed - and alone, Fawn

    having taken all my money and a good deal of my self-respect. What a

    bummer; was this true love?



    I did what I had to do and used the little pocket knife to cut myself

    loose. Checking my wallet, I noticed Fawn had taken all except that

    well-hidden ten bucks. At least I could rebuild a small fortune at the

    Blackjack tables.



    Feeling down and blue, I reached for the magazine I'd bought. Searching

    for the centerfold, I came across and article about window washers

    fastening themselves to buildings with ropes. Not interest... wait a

    second! Pills. Faith. The hooker's window. Maybe this night wasn't lost

    after all!



    A few hours later I left the Casino, again with the maximum profit.

    Seeing how the cabbies were asking more and more ominous amounts of

    money, I was glad I'd taken the trouble - especially since the only

    alternative was walking the streets, and that's not a very safe thing

    to do these days.



    I entered Lefty's and was more than surprised to see the pimp still

    completely absorbed in front of the television set - it must have been

    broken for years. Silently applauding the existence of 24-hour

    sex-shows, I moved up and, ignoring the hooker, went through the seedy

    bedroom and out the window.



    I took the rope Fawn had left (it seemed our short marriage had been

    good for something after all) and tied myself to the balcony. I smashed

    the window with the hammer and got the familiar looking bottle of

    pills. Couldn't make out much of the label but pills don't fly - and

    I'd recognise a good stimulant any time of the day, thank you.



    Went back to the Casino and all the way up again. The chat with Faith

    took some time and didn't end where it should have ended - when I gave

    her some pills, she went sex-mad. Which was alright with me, but she

    went in search of her boy-friend. What a bummer.



    I did notice something interesting on her panel now that the

    distraction was gone - a button. Pushed it, and heard the door to a

    private elevator sliding open. Hmmm.



    I stepped through and came out in a penthouse. Most of the art wasn't

    really to my liking, but when I heard the bubbling outside I detected a

    bathing female the likes of which would have molten the heart of Stone

    Golem. I walked over, ready for the umpteenth rejection and

    disappointment - when she actually, spontaneaously, smiled at me. I was

    so absolutely thunderstruck I couldn't even talk.  She just sat there

    and looked at me; I just had to look elsewhere. When I saw here name on

    a towel I suddenly knew what to do; there was only one thing to offer a

    girl named Eve. What followed next is not something to relate to a

    perverted public that has no perception and lacks all feeling for

    romance. Let it suffice to say that my Grand Quest proved successful

    after all - and that neither Eve nor I will ever bother you again. That

    is, if that little round man from Sierra doesn't bug us anymore.





    So far so good and let's hear it for Larry-boy - he had a hard time

    under my scrutinous supervision but I guess a happy ending always makes

    up for everything.





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