Another Muddy Pawprint on the Web

The Official Cattle-Mutilation Homepage!

The most merciful thing in the world... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hithero harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, that we shall either go mad from the revelation, or flee from the deadly light, into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

-H.P. Lovecraft

Well, here it is, the Official Cattle-Mutilation Homepage. Here you'll be able to find all the information an enterprising alien race, cult, or secret organization needs to know to hunt and dismember our bovine friends. Maybe. Ok, I'm just joking, you can put away the pitchforks now. I love cows. I really do. Just remember, when you're hunting cows aim for the head and don't be afraid. They can smell fear!

So, you ask, where then are the dead cows? Or more importantly, what's the point? You fool! Don't you realize that even now dark forces are conspiring against us? We are in grave peril! On all fronts we are beseiged by those who would sell our organs to the alien hordes, who plot with the Government to render us into mindless sheep! They must be-- Stop laughing, this is serious!

Sort of...

I guess I've always been a bit addicted to the bizarre. Even when I don't believe in something, it's-- interesting to wonder what it would be like if it was true. Take the mutilation of cattle for instance. Now some folks have claimed that aliens are killing the cows, that people from another solar system, with technology far in advance of our own, have been driven to do strange experiments on large, slow herbivores. Others have looked closer to home and uncovered lurid tales of black helicopters, government coverups, and the inevitable meetings with the Men In Black. More rational souls have snorted, and pointed out that the true culprits are satanists. This seems kind of silly to me, since any satanist worth his robe would take the cow home and eat it after the black mass was over.

The truth is, the cows are mutilating themselves. That's right. In a fit of suicidal angst the cows are obtaining surgical tools and cutting themselves apart. I mean, have you ever thought about what it would be like to be a cow? You're born, you're fattened up, and then you're rounded into a boxcar, killed, and eaten. This really sucks. Any cow with a modicum of intelligence would opt for suicide as a way out. It makes perfect sense.

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