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<p><h5><i>"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"</i><br>
<i>for</i> 6 November 1996. <i>Updated every</i> WEEKDAY.</h5>
<pre> </pre>
<b>
<font size=5><i>Ashes to ASCII</i></font>
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<p><pre> </pre><a name="1"></a>
<p><a href="http://pathfinder.com/@@qfzrlwYAbz7JspK*/Netly/daily/961016.1.html"><img width=175 height=105 src="/daily/96/11/06/lethal.gif" border=0 alt="[Pull the Plug]"></a>
<p>Given the volatile life
<p>expectancy of the average
<p>Internet start-up, it seems only
<p>natural that developers are
<p>increasingly turning their
<p>attention to that inevitable,
<p>last-gasp revenue pump, the Grim
<p>Reaper. Before the death of the
<p>web, there's death on the web:
<p><a href="http://pathfinder.com/@@qfzrlwYAbz7JspK*/Netly/daily/961016.1.html">software</a> that helps you shut
<p>down your system one last time;
<p><a href="http://www.skc.com/Press/press.html#aug22">funeral-casts</a> featuring
<p>superfluously live video; HTML
<p>sim-eteries where souls, once
<p>animate, now exist as marketing
<p>data for <a href="http://www.routsong.com/in-touch/casseroles.html">aftercare
<p>consultants</a>...
<p><pre> </pre><a name="2"></a>
<p><a href="http://www.funeral-supply.com/catalog.html"><img width=153 height=147 src="/daily/96/11/06/18.gif" border=0 alt="[Funeral Stuff]"></a>
<p>At the moment, web-based funerary
<p>applications are in their
<p>infancy, but their future
<p>success seems all but
<p>guaranteed. Indeed, Time
<p>Eternal, which has always
<p>favored the death-merchants, has
<p>a special dividend in store
<p>starting around the year 2010;
<p>that's when the first Baby
<p>Boomers, despite decades of
<p>aerobics classes, antioxidant
<p>megadoses, arterial scrapes,
<p>vigorous colonics regimens, and
<p>facial rejuvenation programs,
<p>will start to drop dead in
<p>record numbers. The <a href="http://www.nfda.org/resources/deathstats.html">annual
<p>mortality rate</a>, currently
<p>hovering at around 2.3 million,
<p>will suddenly increase by at
<p>least several hundred thousand;
<p>the nation's <a href="http://www.nfda.org">undertakers</a>, <a href="http://www.auroracasket.com/products/new.html">coffin
<p>manufacturers</a>, morticians, grief
<p>therapists, and other <a href="http://www.funeral-supply.com/catalog.html">sundry
<p>entrepreneurs</a> whose livelihoods
<p>depend upon a healthy inventory
<p>of corpses are already
<p>anticipating the happy days to
<p>come.
<p><pre> </pre><a name="3"></a>
<p>Of course, the Boomers will bring
<p>a downside with them too. After
<p>lifetimes of no-frills
<p>comparison-shopping at box
<p>retail giants like Price Costco
<p>and Wal-Mart, the great majority
<p>of surviving spouses will
<p>undoubtedly reject the high
<p>margins the funeral business has
<p>historically enjoyed. As
<p>customers search for better
<p>deals, the relatively
<p>noncompetitive nature of the
<p>business will change; some
<p>industry mavericks are already
<p>raising the ire of their
<p>colleagues with their
<p><a href="http://www.interment.com/services.html">progressive</a> sales techniques.
<p>One cemetery in California has
<p>been known to offer two-for-one
<p>plot sales. A funeral director
<p>in Illinois hawks discount
<p>coffins out of a barebones strip
<p>mall location.
<p><pre> </pre><a name="4"></a>
<p><a href="http://www.microweb.com/traffic/web/web04_01.html"><img width=120 height=133 src="/daily/96/11/06/decay04.gif" border=0 alt="[Decay]"></a>
<p>And just imagine how the
<p>competition will increase when
<p>companies that haven't
<p>traditionally included death in
<p>their business plan begin to
<p>understand the opportunities
<p>their aging clientele present:
<p>With cradle-to-grave marketing
<p>all the rage now, can a Pottery
<p>Barn coffin, handcrafted by
<p>Italian artisans in the
<p>classical style of Etruscan
<p>funeral caskets, be far off? Or
<p>headstone-washed burial garb
<p>from Levi's? And what better way
<p>to create a stylish-to-the-end
<p>"memory picture" than with a
<p>little <a href="http://www.urbandecay.com/colors/eyes.html">Pallor</a> eyeshadow from <a href="http://www.microweb.com/traffic/web/web04_01.html">Urban
<p>Decay</a>? Such corporate
<p>necrophagia is bound to catch
<p>the fancy of soon-to-expire
<p>consumers engaged in their
<p>final, poignant credit-card
<p>sprees: Why pay higher prices
<p>for <a href="http://www.dinair.com/dinair/morty.html">stuff</a> you've never heard of
<p>when you can buy funeral
<p>products from the brands that
<p>have given your life its
<p>meaning?
<p><pre> </pre><a name="5"></a>
<p><a href="http://www.funeral.org/"><img width=110 height=167 src="/daily/96/11/06/deccacol.gif" border=0 alt="[Jessica]"></a>
<p>Oh, well. Nothing lasts forever,
<p>not even fantastic mark-ups on
<p>ugly <a href="http://www.cremationconsultants.com/crem8me/ceibayco.htm">jewelry</a> for dead people.
<p>Funeral directors will surely
<p>mourn the loss of such robust
<p>revenue streams, but if anyone
<p>knows about <a href="http://rivendell.org/">grief management</a>,
<p>they do. In the end, the river
<p>of profit is eternal - one must
<p>simply learn to catch its newest
<p>currents. It was this philosophy
<p>that helped transform a modest
<p>sideline enterprise for
<p>cabinet-makers into an
<p>approximately $9 billion a year
<p>business in the U.S. alone- and
<p>now with <a href="http://www.funeral.org/">Jessica Mitford</a> gone,
<p>and no comparable contrarian
<p>stepping up to take her place as
<p>industry watchdog, one imagines
<p>the nation's undertakers may
<p>once again give free rein to
<p>their most unabashedly
<p>hucksterish impulses as they
<p>learn to capitalize on a whole
<p>new array of digital death
<p>services.
<p><pre> </pre><a name="6"></a>
<p>Or at least one hopes...
<p><pre> </pre><a name="7"></a>
<p><a href="http://www.warhol.org/warhol/tour/4.html"><img width=163 height=112 src="/daily/96/11/06/gallery.gif" border=0 alt="[Gallery]"></a>
<p>Because right now, the nascent
<p>death software industry is in
<p>desperate need of
<p>entrepreneurial vision. Sure,
<p>cyberfunerals have a certain
<p>appeal: It's easier to fake
<p>attendance - and <a href="http://www.eff.org/papers/eegtti/eeg_288.html">grief</a> <tt>:'-(</tt> -
<p>on the net. But how many people,
<p>for example, really need a
<p>program that helps them kill
<p>themselves? It's sort of like
<p><a href="http://www.warhol.org/warhol/tour/4.html">recipe databases</a>: another
<p>"solution" that turns what was
<p>once a cheap and simple process
<p>into something complicated and
<p>expensive - technological
<p>overkill.
<pre>
</pre><p><a href="/daily/archive/"><img align=left width=120 height=60 src="/daily/images/daily_archive.gif" border=0 alt="[Daily Archive]"></a><i>courtesy of </i> <a href="mailto:huck@www.suck.com">St. Huck</a><pre>
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